Throwback Post: The Evolution of a Coincidence

**THROWBACK POST**

January 24 2018:

Coincidences? Do you see them as signs or messages? Or just something random that happened?


(Camilla and Lillian at Washoe Lake – 2014)

On the Lillian and Camilla date day yesterday, I was only going to buy one order of parmesan, sea salt fries and share them with Lillian.

Not because I wasn’t hungry. It’s just what finances dictate at the moment. When we picked up our fries, we were told they made double the order of fries and so sorry, but the box would not close. No worries! We’ll fix that!

We ended our date with a stop at Kohl’s to get Lillian some new undies. That girl is growing! She grows slow, but it happens!

She has sensory difficulties and when one finds clothing that does not irritate, one must stick with that brand and style! Well, they aren’t cheap either! $25 for 3 pairs. She needed two packages of 3 pairs.

I had a coupon for 15% off that had just expired by about two days. The cashier let me use it anyway and I had a $5 off coupon on my phone, but my phone decided to go dead while in the store.

The lady behind us said she had the same coupon on her phone and we could use it as she wasn’t going to need it. We had returned Christmas gifts that didn’t work out and had money from that. So, for $12 we got $50 worth of undies! Wahoooo!!!

I choose to believe that coincidences are not random happenings. With choosing to believe this, I notice them happening more often, and they inspire and encourage me, and add fuel to the core of my being. I make something my intent .. And the coincidences line up so that what I intend comes to fruition. And, so it is. Bring me more please … xoxo

**December 2022 Update** – About 7 years of economic anxiety. That’s how long this lasted. It ended in the beginning of 2020, but it definitely took a toll on my mental health. I completed crashed in 2020, finally not having to worry and struggle nearly every single day. 

Honestly, we still live below poverty level. But when you go from no income to some income, it’s like you’ve won the lottery! I’m grateful I had taken the time to put myself in a place of being able to gracefully move through all of those years. 

Blessings,
Camilla
See It. Share It. BE IT … Spread Love Everywhere You Go!

“Words of Alchemy”, published December 2019, is a free-verse poetry memoir covering the last 6 years of my life. The poetry of nature, the poetry of healing, the poetry of appreciation, the poetry of love, in one beautiful book.

Amazing news! My 21 year old daughter, Lillian Darnell’s debut book, “Where Would You Fly and Other Magical Stories” was published January 2018. Learn more and order here

Wonderfully exciting news! My 17 year old son, Thomas Darnell‘s book, Biggest Little Photographer is published. Be inspired! Learn more and order here.

 

Throwback Post: Spend More Time With Them

**THROWBACK POST**

This would have been some time in 2015 or 2016. Not sure of the exact date.


(Photo from Pexels)

Since July I have been making it a point to set “coffee dates” with people I already know and have a friendship with and people I know only from facebook who share a similar path.

This is what I have to say about that and how meaningful I think it is for everyone.

Those times when you’re spending time with those who you feel completely and utterly yourself with, talking about things that are meaningful to all of you, with those who get you.

Those times when two and a half hours feels like 30 minutes. Those times when you are saying goodbye all the way out the door and to their cars as they leave …

I got to have one of those afternoons and it blessed my heart and soul. Thank you Melinda Bourke Blackwell and Barbara Richmond Chastain. Our time together today was inspiring and we overflow with gratitude for your support of Thomas and his upcoming book. xoxo

**November 2021 Update** I miss those times. The pandemic put a hold on coffee and lunch chats. I will cherish it when we resume these wonderful blessings!

What about you? Do you know that feeling I’m talking about?

Blessings,
Camilla
See It. Share It. BE IT … Spread Love Everywhere You Go!

“Words of Alchemy”, published December 2019, is a free-verse poetry memoir covering the last 6 years of my life. The poetry of nature, the poetry of healing, the poetry of appreciation, the poetry of love, in one beautiful book.

Amazing news! My 20 year old daughter, Lillian Darnell’s debut book, “Where Would You Fly and Other Magical Stories” was published January 2018. Learn more and order here

Wonderfully exciting news! My 15 year old son, Thomas Darnell‘s book, Biggest Little Photographer is published. Be inspired! Learn more and order here.

Throwback Post: This is the Space

**THROWBACK POST**

March 21 2019


(Photo from August 2021 Walk)

This is the space I was in Tuesday night … I sat to write as I felt overwhelmed with the enormity of circumstances and unclear how to proceed.

When it’s my own internal struggles and turbulence I have learned to lean into it, be with it, and try to remember to keep love at the forefront of whatever it is.

What I have not learned is how to do this when someone I love dearly is struggling and I don’t have clarity about how to help them and feel deeply inadequate for the task. Especially when there are two someones struggling. And, sometimes, struggling at the same time.

This is what lies at the forefront of the current journey. It’s definitely not a pleasant place to be. Yet, offers much opportunity to continue to move through one’s own journey while at the same time holding space for those closest to you as they travel their own journey.

I went to bed shortly after writing this. I woke up feeling lighter and more at peace than I had in nearly a week. I also knew which first steps to take in helping my loved one and I took it. PSR Through Writing …. That’s what I call it. Peace Solutions Relief …. Through Writing ..

Blessings,
Camilla
See It. Share It. BE IT … Spread Love Everywhere You Go!

“Words of Alchemy”, published December 2019, is a free-verse poetry memoir covering the last 6 years of my life. The poetry of nature, the poetry of healing, the poetry of appreciation, the poetry of love, in one beautiful book.

Amazing news! My 19 year old daughter, Lillian Darnell’s debut book, “Where Would You Fly and Other Magical Stories” was published January 2018. Learn more and order here

Wonderfully exciting news! My 15 year old son, Thomas Darnell‘s book, Biggest Little Photographer is published. Be inspired! Learn more and order here.

Throwback Post: It Was A Crummy Day

**THROWBACK POST**

I’m not sure of when this was written … 2017, 2018, or could have been in 2019 ??? (When I changed hosting companies in 2020, I lost the original dates for my draft posts.)

I wrote this last night before going to bed. I needed to process. I needed to hear, through the writing, the outcome. I’m on the other side of it now. I’m at peace and ready to put one foot in front of the other. I’m ready to view this with curiosity and anticipation.

Simply sharing with you … as … that’s what I do. I write. I share. And, I do this for you to take away whatever it is that fits your space in this moment. As I finish this preface to yesterday’s writing, I’m hearing Nina Simone’s, “Here Comes the Sun” serenading me …

“Today was such a crummy day. I was incredibly grateful I took the long walk this morning. And that it was such a beautiful, blissful, and magical walk. I didn’t want to go. I wanted to put it off until Thursday or Friday. I am deeply thankful I didn’t put it off as it laid the foundation for processing such a crummy day!

Such is this journey of life. Some days there will be huge disappointment. Some days great expansion and joy. I choose to feel all the feels. The sharp, biting anger and depths of sadness over disappointment and the bliss of magical joy in moments like yesterday.

Interestingly the weather matched me perfectly. The weather seemed to say, “There’ll be days like this. Oh, yes. Days like this.”

I breathe in this disappointment. I breathe it into my entire being, feeling the pings and pangs as it slithers its way through my body. During the walk yesterday in the biting cold and wind, I did what would help me move this through. I screamed to the wind and the trees, WTF am I supposed to do, and some other shi* filled language!!

By the end of the day, I know I am strong enough to keep going and wise enough to allow and know the solutions, and capable enough to do what needs to be done.

My heart and mind are open to accepting that this is not supposed to happen and that it is ultimately in my highest and best interest that it did not happen. As much as I desire to control this and have the outcome I envision, it is not to be.

I shall allow the anger, sadness, and grief to move through me and allow myself to feel it. The old me used to either deflect it or just kind of shove it over in the corner of my cells somewhere. Nice and snug.

I’ve spent many uncomfortable and painful years excavating, breaking free, and releasing loads of anger, sadness, and grief buried in my bones and cells from childhood and teenage years. I’m not about to start burying that crap again!

Once I’m done feeling it all, I will send it love. I will send myself love. I will love myself through to the other side of this. I will keep loving. I will keep smiling. I will keep dancing. I will keep walking. I will keep writing. Where’s my boogie shoes? Gimme my laptop. Time to go to Funkytown!”

Blessings,
Camilla
See It. Share It. BE IT … Spread Love Everywhere You Go!

“Words of Alchemy”, published December 2019, is a free-verse poetry memoir covering the last 6 years of my life. The poetry of nature, the poetry of healing, the poetry of appreciation, the poetry of love, in one beautiful book.

Amazing news! My 19 year old daughter, Lillian Darnell’s debut book, “Where Would You Fly and Other Magical Stories” was published January 2018. Learn more and order here

Wonderfully exciting news! My 15 year old son, Thomas Darnell‘s book, Biggest Little Photographer is published. Be inspired! Learn more and order here.

Throwback Post: Every Breath We Take is a Miracle

**THROWBACK POST**

July 23 2015:

View from Little Washoe Lake yesterday …

I share these words from the heart space, a place of compassion and love and of wanting the same for all of you. I have been practicing Loving Life and letting Life Love me in return. Some of this has to do with loving-kindness for one’s self, some to do with loving each other, the Earth, nature, and animals.

Life really loved on me yesterday. I embraced some fears yesterday morning, knowing that they are a part of me and not trying to push them away or crush them. I just let them be and in turn they did not stop me!

Then I went on to have an absolutely wonderful day. Found out that we would be able to stay in Salt Lake City from Friday to Friday as we originally planned and would not have to cut it short. I had loving interactions with everyone I came across … at Mill Street Tire getting the oil changed and tires rotated, an impromptu stop to see a friend, and getting Thomas a haircut.

As we were checking out at Whole Foods, two women came up to me and thanked me over and over again for the kindness of my son as he had helped them get something they could not reach (I was not aware of this.). Thomas was confused on the drive home and kept asking why they kept thanking him (and me).

Then when we got home, I had a message asking if I’d be interested in contributing a 2,000-4,000 word article to a multidisciplinary government journal having to do with intellectual disabilities. Later, I began to feel guilty. I chose to connect with that feeling, to see what I needed to learn from it. I learned that when good things happen, I begin to feel I am not worthy.

Well, not anymore. I am worthy and so are YOU! We do not have to accomplish spectacular things, be a certain way, look a certain way, have a certain amount of money and prestige. And, if you have all those things … You are worthy too! We are all worthy, because we are breathing and every breath we take is a miracle. Love is indeed the answer … xoxo …

**Update April 19 2021 – What an amazing journey I’ve been on. It’s wild how difficult it can be to like ourselves, to believe we are worthy, to not see ourselves in the worst light. I moved through the worst of this, leaving it behind with the dawn of 2020. However, I still have days, weeks even, where I question my worthiness.

I suppose that’s simply a component of being human. I witness as my beautiful 15 year old son has these same struggles, and feelings. May he, may all of us, stop being so hard on ourselves, and come to know how precious, beautiful and worthy we are. xoxo (Here’s the article I was asked to contribute – 

My Journey With Intellectual Disability and Relationships – A Short Memoir

Blessings,
Camilla
See It. Share It. BE IT … Spread Love Everywhere You Go!

“Words of Alchemy”, published December 2019, is a free-verse poetry memoir covering the last 6 years of my life. The poetry of nature, the poetry of healing, the poetry of appreciation, the poetry of love, in one beautiful book.

Amazing news! My 19 year old daughter, Lillian Darnell’s debut book, “Where Would You Fly and Other Magical Stories” was published January 2018. Learn more and order here

Wonderfully exciting news! My 15 year old son, Thomas Darnell‘s book, Biggest Little Photographer is published. Be inspired! Learn more and order here.

Throwback Post: Float Your Boat

**THROWBACK POST**


(Photo by me, taken during a 2017 Walk)

December 11 2017:

After an extremely rough afternoon, what a blessing to receive a sweet, loving, kind, and generous message … Just the push I needed to bring on the sobbing so I could connect and release ….

When you have one with difficulties in the executive functions area, it is nearly impossible to suggest spur of the moment activities. In Lillian’s case a meltdown is going to happen 95% of the time.

Yet, I continue to try. We have a blu-ray Christmas movie to watch from the library as they had no regular DVD of this movie.

I figured we could watch it at the lodge in the theater as their equipment will play blu-ray. (I use a really old portable DVD player plugged into a projector for our movie watching as we don’t have a TV.)

I looked on the library website and saw we would have to return the movie on Wednesday so I suggested we head on over and watch it. Well, at the same time, I must have given my patience a vacation. And, invited every worry and concern that has been bothering me over the past three months.

Two kids having meltdowns, one mom having an outburst, and two hours later ….. We are still out of sorts … but this wonderful and generous message was exactly what my heart needed ….

Sharing for anyone else who is having an off day, anyone who gave their patience the day off, or anyone who invited worry and concerns to cloud their day … From one human to another; I share a loving, warm, heart hug with you … And say .. You are not alone. Be still. And know …. xoxo

I find when I am already in “Why me victim mode” and my thoughts are full of worries and concerns that having nothing to do with a current incident … That’s when I lose it. So … when not in that meltdown moment I practice mindfulness and meditation and walks in nature so that I can have a balanced and peaceful perspective most times. Yet, we are human, so that’s not going to happen every time … And … That. Is. Okay …. xoxo

I have felt incredibly out of sorts and in a huge fog lately. Along with some anxiety. I know when I feel anxiety it is usually due to something surfacing that it would be best for me to connect with so as to release. Sometimes I forget that, though, and resist …

Most times if I would quit trying to row the boat and just let that sweet little boat float through life, peace would be more consistent …. For, I fully believe that life knows what its doing and has my back …. xoxo

Blessings,
Camilla
See It. Share It. BE IT … Spread Love Everywhere You Go!

“Words of Alchemy”, published December 2019, is a free-verse poetry memoir covering the last 6 years of my life. The poetry of nature, the poetry of healing, the poetry of appreciation, the poetry of love, in one beautiful book.

Amazing news! My 19 year old daughter, Lillian Darnell’s debut book, “Where Would You Fly and Other Magical Stories” was published January 2018. Learn more and order here

Wonderfully exciting news! My 15 year old son, Thomas Darnell‘s book, Biggest Little Photographer is published. Be inspired! Learn more and order here.

Throwback Post: Walk With Me – Nature is a Knowing Mirror

**THROWBACK POST**

May 13 2016:

Today’s Walk With Me theme: Anything is possible if the intention is there. If grass can grow on a rock, then your dreams, your creations are possible.

Confirmation that nature is indeed a mirror reflecting your beauty and whatever it is that will benefit you in the moment.

In the stillness, there is clarity. At times there may be ripples, yet, clarity always returns. xoxo

May 16 2016:

Nature had amazing and beautiful gifts this morning. How did she know I was in need of such beauty and gifts? She knows. She always knows. xoxo

 

Friday, May 20, 2016: Today’s Walk With Me theme was: Let those emotions and feelings blow right on through you; rather than letting them settle within and make themselves at home. Let them stay just long enough to connect with, be curious with, and physically feel. After this, they will leave on their own … If it helps, go stand in the wind!

December 2020 Update: These are from a time I was processing deep healing. Nature was a constant source of comfort, helping me to view events in the most helpful light. My views have changed a bit regarding emotions and feelings. I feel it is imperative that we allow ourselves to physically feel emotions and feelings, so that when they do “blow right through”, we have processed what needed to be processed. If not, these emotions will keep reappearing.

Blessings,
Camilla
See It. Share It. BE IT … Spread Love Everywhere You Go!

“Words of Alchemy”, published December 2019, is a free-verse poetry memoir covering the last 6 years of my life. The poetry of nature, the poetry of healing, the poetry of appreciation, the poetry of love, in one beautiful book.

Amazing news! My 19 year old daughter, Lillian Darnell’s debut book, “Where Would You Fly and Other Magical Stories” was published January 2018. Learn more and order here

Wonderfully exciting news! My 15 year old son, Thomas Darnell‘s book, Biggest Little Photographer is published. Be inspired! Learn more and order here.

Throwback: Parenting is My Work and My Art

**THROWBACK POST**


(Team TLC – 2015)

Written some time in 2015

Parenthood is my work and my art. Something within was awakened when I became a parent. My life completely shifted when my two kids entered it. They reflected back, and still do, what I feel is the gift I am to share with others. They were the catalyst.

Lillian is 14 years old and Thomas is 10 years old. Lillian has a chromosome deletion called 18p- as she is missing the short arm of chromosome number 18. This manifests in speech difficulties, emotional issues, and problems with her proprioceptive system. I have single parented them since Thomas was one year old.

The self-realization journey I began nearly 20 years ago, was sparked with the initial thoughts of parenthood and grew into an all consuming flame as they entered my life. I knew there was a different way to live life, to experience life, other than the way I had been raised and the way in which some of society chooses to live.

These two are weaved throughout anything I create. The three of us are a team and I actively encourage each of them to explore being creative. Whether that’s with painting, drawing, photography or writing. By choice, we do not own a television and have not since 2008. Instead of watching television, we read and go for nature walks.

Our family life is a form of art that I openly share with the world as I feel that is my gift to share. I came to the realization that the more children we encourage to never lose their sense of wonder, to always follow their heart paired with the practice of mindfulness and emotional connection; the happier and more peaceful world we will have as they age. I feel some children these days are led down the same rabbit hole as I was, in always seeing our happiness and peace not arriving until some point in the future when this, that, or the other is obtained or accomplished.

This thought process begins with, I must be “good” so I can get rewarded. Then, I must get “good” grades and be a “good” student so I can be acknowledged. I must do this also so I can get into college and get a “good” job. If I don’t go to college, I won’t get a “good” job and I won’t make money … and I won’t be happy.

I do this mainly through writing (non-fiction and poetry) and also through nature photography; and lately through painting.

My writings are centered on mindfulness, emotional connection, nature connection, and positive, connected parenting. I draw from personal experience and intuitively share what I am moved to share with others.

***November 20, 2020 Update***I’m pretty sure this was written as an introduction of myself, to be shared somewhere that I had contributed content. In reading this, I am filled with love and adoration for myself as I stood five years ago. I begin to think, how on earth did I make it through the incredibly rough years of 2012 – 2020?

The above is a little snippet of how I made it through. I know I took a path many would not choose, but when I look back at the strength, compassion, and empathy I exhibited, I feel it was the right path for me and my family.

Blessings,
Camilla
See It. Share It. BE IT … Spread Love Everywhere You Go!

“Words of Alchemy”, published December 2019, is a free-verse poetry memoir covering the last 6 years of my life. The poetry of nature, the poetry of healing, the poetry of appreciation, the poetry of love, in one beautiful book.

Amazing news! My 19 year old daughter, Lillian Darnell’s debut book, “Where Would You Fly and Other Magical Stories” was published January 2018. Learn more and order here

Wonderfully exciting news! My 15 year old son, Thomas Darnell‘s book, Biggest Little Photographer is published. Be inspired! Learn more and order here.

Throwback Post: If You Can Walk Through It

**THROWBACK POST**

November 2016

My art fortune from Pan received earlier this month. Things got crazy busy with Biggest Little Photographer and this got buried in papers. Just came across it again.

I had just met Pan minutes earlier. He did not know the ideas that come to me daily nor that walking is so deeply intertwined with who I be.

Win the day, I have to say, forthcoming, will be the way. …… Walk With Me and Lessons from Nature ….. I AM Ready …. xoxo

art-fortune-for-camilla-by-pan-december-2016

(I recently changed the hosting company for this website, along with all other websites I manage. In the aftermath, my draft posts got deleted. Oh no! Fortunately, they were in the back up and could be reinstalled. However, the original draft dates were deleted. I’m taking that as a sign that it’s time to do cleanup and housekeeping.)

Blessings,
Camilla

See It. Share It. BE IT … Spread Love Everywhere You Go!

“Words of Alchemy”, published December 2019, is a free-verse poetry memoir covering the last 6 years of my life. The poetry of nature, the poetry of healing, the poetry of appreciation, the poetry of love, in one beautiful book.

Amazing news! My 18 year old daughter, Lillian Darnell’s debut book, “Where Would You Fly and Other Magical Stories” was published January 2018. Learn more and order here

Wonderfully exciting news! My 14 year old son, Thomas Darnell‘s book, Biggest Little Photographer is published. Be inspired! Learn more and order here.

How Writing Helps Me With Parenting

Writing has been a sanity saving bridge which has led from processing parenting experiences to peace and solutions. Single parenting two children led me on a journey for which I have no map. Through writing, I create the map as I travel this wild and wonderful parenting safari.

My parenting journey has included many life lessons disguised as sinkholes, road blocks, and dead ends. My daughter, Lillian, was diagnosed at age 3 years old with a rare condition called 18p-. This chromosome deletion only affects 1 in 56,000 people. Her sibling, Thomas, is a strong willed empath who either speaks his mind or holds how he feels inside until he explodes. In 2006 I became a single parent to them, lost nearly everything, and was forced to file bankruptcy.

I have been single parenting Thomas and Lillian for the past twelve years. Lillian is 17 years old now and the main way that 18p- affects her is an inability to articulate words, anxiety, chronic pain, irrational fears, and difficulty processing strong emotions. Thomas is 13 years old with his own difficulties of being a sibling to Lillian and puberty has hit him full throttle.

Writing led me to peace and acceptance of my role as parent to these two unique and beautiful children. Writing brought peace and solid steps to take in regards to medical issues, schooling, and emotional challenges faced by Thomas and Lillian. In some situations, writing was not the only factor; yet, it has been a shining thread of grace that connected my heart and mind along this parenting journey. And still is.

Several factors led to a loosely held practice of writing every day. When I became a single parent I intuitively felt moved to learn the practice of mindfulness, meditation, and journaling.

My practice of going for a walk three times a week also solidified into a committed practice of noticing and immersing in nature. All of these practices combined with the writing practice opened my eyes to a different style of parenting, a more focused and connected style.

My laptop became the couch I rest upon; while writing of my experiences became the therapist. This also serves as a tool for me to sync with life and for giving myself feedback for those experiences. Writing became an avenue to connect with and release the myriad of emotions and experiences of parenting.

The writing becomes an observer of my experiences. One that allows me to step away from the situation by pouring my heart onto the digital pages. I feel we all know in our heart the solution to tough parenting situations; or at the least, what would be the better of available options.

Although I choose to publicly share much of my experiences through writing, one does not have to write with the intention of sharing with others. The very act of writing about experiences and feelings is deeply therapeutic. There are many writing practices from which to choose. Writing with pencil and paper, using a laptop, writing in the morning, in the evening, in silence, while listening to music, at home, in a cafe, in nature … You get the idea.

The how, when and where is a completely personal preference. The portion of the practice I have found to work best for me and those I have mentored is to first get centered in one’s heart. If you find yourself stumbling and no words flowing; this is a sign you are still centered in your mind.

Take three long, deep breaths and gently release whatever thoughts you may be having. Begin to write about the parenting issue facing you. Write about your feelings and thoughts on the issue. Once you feel finished with this portion, stop for a moment. Take three long, deep breaths once again dropping your focus into the heart.

Next, write these six words … “What do I need to know?” Don’t hesitate. Just write. Write until the words are no longer flowing. Write no matter how wacky or scary this may seem. Write no matter what crazy thoughts come to mind. Write those too.

For some of you this may not be concrete enough and seem like “fluff”; and for you, it simply may not work. Yet, I’m betting that more than half of those who try this will at least feel at peace with the situation and at most know what actions to take that are in everyone’s highest and best interest.

I have experienced parenting guidance in this way and have seen others receive peace and guidance as well. If you aren’t accustomed to writing, it may take a while to grease the writing wheels. Don’t give up. Try it for at least a month. No one has to see what you write. Delete it, tear it up, shred it, crumple and stomp on it, burn it, eat it, whatever.

Write. Write and watch the transformation of becoming a more connected and focused parent. Not only that. Write and watch the transformation as you begin to trust yourself and become more at peace with life.

©2019 Camilla Downs

Blessings,
Camilla
See It. Share It. BE IT … Spread Love Everywhere You Go!

Amazing news! My 17 year old daughter, Lillian Darnell’s debut book, “Where Would You Fly and Other Magical Stories” was published January 2018. Learn more and order here.

Wonderfully exciting news! My 13 year old son, Thomas Darnell‘s book, Biggest Little Photographer is published. Be inspired! Learn more and order here.

Go here to see latest soul writings. xoxo