The overriding theme of my childhood was that I was doing it wrong and not to trust myself. Therefore, I have struggled all my life with low self-esteem and incredibly low self-worth. Believing I am not worthy of having a beautiful and peaceful life, full of unconditional love is something I have always thought was not something I deserved.
I have spent the last 20 years learning to like and love my self, learning who I truly am, and for 2016 and 2017 walking into, connecting with, and releasing this darkness.
Indeed the children of our world and the future of our world strongly depends on not conforming children to the way it’s “supposed” to be done and always has been done. They come into this world (and we did too) knowing who we are, knowing the gift we brought with us, and trusting our self, our intuition. I feel each and every one of us came here to share Divine Love in our own unique way … to share loving kindness and compassion for one another, Nature, and animals.
August 2020 Update: This was originally written to add to another post that was published about the same time. It’s a letter written to my son, Thomas. Go here to read the original post and why I felt moved to add this additional note.
I am in a much better place these days. I feel this is mainly due to the courage of walking into what I needed to do to heal myself. I still have days where I feel I’m doing things wrong, making wrong decisions, days full of guilt and shame. However, I’ve learned how to process and feel these emotions. They don’t ever truly go away. I’ve learned how to go to the core of the issue, let myself feel what needs to be felt, with the knowing that it is okay to trust myself.
(I recently changed the hosting company for this website, along with all other websites I manage. In the aftermath, my draft posts got deleted. Oh no! Fortunately, they were in the back up and could be reinstalled. However, the original draft dates were deleted. I’m taking that as a sign that it’s time to do cleanup and housekeeping.)
See It. Share It. BE IT … Spread Love Everywhere You Go!
“Words of Alchemy”, published December 2019, is a free-verse poetry memoir covering the last 6 years of my life. The poetry of nature, the poetry of healing, the poetry of appreciation, the poetry of love, in one beautiful book.
Amazing news! My 18 year old daughter, Lillian Darnell’s debut book, “Where Would You Fly and Other Magical Stories” was published January 2018. Learn more and order here.
Wonderfully exciting news! My 14 year old son, Thomas Darnell‘s book, Biggest Little Photographer is published. Be inspired! Learn more and order here.
I’m currently “house cleaning” on my blog. I have drafts dating back to 2012 that got lost in the rush and hustle, in the ups and downs of this spiritual journey I have chosen to travel, down into the depths of my own darkness, up to the peaks of the light and love within us all.
Most of the drafts I come across, I’m deleting as, so far, they’ve just been one sentence or phrase and no longer speak to me. This one called to be posted and expanded upon.
After she had just shown me EVERY Mardi Gras costume she has designed, made herself, and worn in New Orleans at Mardi Gras since 1992; I said to her, “YOU are a talented woman! What do you do? Are you a designer?”
She got quite, her eyes welled with tears and I could feel the hurt and pain. She went on to explain that she has an MBA and things just haven’t lined up how she wants … she’s in limbo … she hasn’t made any money in a long time. She’s disappointed in herself …..
I instantly felt a connection with her. Those who know me, know why. I touched her arm and her heart, looked her in the eye and said, “YOU Are an Amazing and Talented Woman, What you Want WILL happen” …
I shared some of my story with her and gave her one of my books. When it was time to go, I gave her a big hug and repeated what I had said earlier.
I could have changed the subject right after I asked the question that brought her to tears. I could have. I chose not too.
I chose to let this woman know that she is loved, that she is perfect and that she is worthy. We have a choice when we come across these moments …. We have a choice … ♥ ♥ ♥
… I have committed to the World to not let an opportunity pass when I can either inspire someone, help them see their worth or just simply tell them they are amazing … Whether that’s with words I share with them, a look I share with them, or a warm, comforting hug …
I don’t do this to be recognized myself, I do this from the pain of not knowing my worth for so many years of my life … Too many of us were never taught at a young age that we are worthy just as we ARE and that we have a special and unique gift to share.
We search and search and we do stuff and do other stuff and look for what we are supposed to do to prove our worth, when all along it’s always been inside of us …. The more we teach our young that they are worthy, the healthier the human race will be … Love to all and a big, warm, loving, comforting hug … ♥ ♥ ♥
I do feel it is incredibly important that we let others know they are worthy, perfect as they are, that you believe in them, and that they are loved. However, to find ourselves in a consistent position of being able to do this; we must first turn the mirror on our self.
It is imperative that when we are triggered by others or when we are drowning in the depths of sadness, despair, and the like to let our self feel this.
I am speaking about physically feeling it. Where do you feel the sadness? Is it a heaviness in your stomach or chest or a tightness in your jaw or neck. Place your focus on the physical feeling without analyzing the feeling.
And, tell yourself everything that you needed to hear as a child. Make a script of all that you needed to hear.
For example: You are worthy and deserving of a joyful and peaceful childhood. I am sorry you did not have the childhood you craved. I am sorry I did not listen to you. I am sorry you did not feel heard. I believe in you. You are beautiful and wise.
Every single time you are triggered or in darkness, do this. For every time this is faced and felt and you tell your self what you needed to hear; you heal and your heart continues to open. I say this from experience, from practice, and the powerful and positive impact this has had on my life.
I did not create this exercise. I first read about emotional connection in 2014 in a book by Raphael Cushnir; “The One Thing Holding You Back”, and began the practices he suggested. I loosely continued with the practice throughout the years.
Recently, a new book found me at the library, titled, “Whatever Arises, Love That” by Matt Kahn. This book reminded me of the emotional connection practice AND added the practice of telling one self what one needed to hear as a child.
In my own words, “Love the hurt, love the pain, love the unknown, love all of it until it is released, transmuted and the heart opens even further.”
Over the past 17 or so years I have been a heavy and frequent user of the phrase and similar phrases like, “Love is the Answer” and “All You Need is Love.” For me, this practice of loving whatever arises gives a new and different meaning to this. It’s the next level. It’s the game changer. I’m in.
“Love is the impulse to embrace the innocence of life that brings spiritual harmony to the forefront of your experiences. Whenever love is poured into your heart or sent out as blessings to others, the light within all things awakens.” – Matt Kahn
Camilla See It. Share It. BE IT … Spread Love Everywhere You Go!
Amazing news! My 16 year old daughter, Lillian Darnell’s debut book, “Where Would You Fly and Other Magical Stories” is published. Learn more and order here.
Wonderfully exciting news! My 12 year old son, Thomas Darnell‘s book, Biggest Little Photographer is published. Be inspired! Learn more and order here.
“I wish to be okay with myself.” This is what I heard him say. And, this is the message I relay to him.
Your wish shall be granted. Your heart knows you are okay just the way you are. You are the way you are for a reason. And that reason has nothing to do with causing suffering for your self. You are uniquely you for a beautiful reason.
You are worthy and okay. This is a self supporting statement. The words “because” need not be included as it does not apply. You are worthy. You are okay.
You DO NOT have to be a certain way or DO certain things. You don’t have to dress a certain way, talk a certain way, live a certain way, say certain words or say them in a certain way. You don’t have to say words you think others want to hear.
As each tree serves an interdependent purpose in the forests, you serve an interdependent purpose in the forests of human life. A purpose unique to you and which only you can serve.
Simply by being you, the benefit will come to others. Others miss out on this benefit, if you choose to listen to the ego and not the heart. For the ego will tell you and is the one telling you that you are not okay.
Keep your heart open to the unique gifts and talents you are to share with others. Turn your eyes and ears to those who have done the same and who listen only to the message of their heart. You will see it shine from the face of the ones. You will feel it exuding from the ones. These are the ones who will guide and mentor you to listen to the heart and not the ego.
“I wish to be okay with myself.”
Indeed, you are not alone in this wish. You spoke the words so many of us feel. May we all join in the knowing of our hearts.
P.S. This was written to my son, Thomas, in December 2016 or January 2017. He and I attended a ceremony of releasing the old and calling in the new. He had remained quite during the entire event. He’s 12 years old now.
On the last pass of the bowl where we were releasing and calling in, he said ever so quietly, “I wish to be okay with myself.” My heart fell to pieces as well as my eyes began sweating like crazy (a term Thomas coined for crying when he was a wee young one).
I am so incredibly blessed by his presence in my life and many times over have been shown why we chose one another as Mom and Son …. xoxo
Camilla See It. Share It. BE IT … Spread Love Everywhere You Go!
Wonderfully exciting news! My 12 year old son, Thomas Darnell‘s book, Biggest Little Photographer has arrived. Be inspired! Learn more and order here.