Poetry: cloud nine and all that

August 3 2024

Prompt: “Where is your paradise” or “Ohana”

Cloud Nine and all that

Where I find my paradise is not static for me
It’s a shapeshifter
Conforming to my
Current mood,
The phase of life
I have arrived to explore

There were all the years
Of financial struggle
The years of
What I later learned
Included a bit of spiritual bypassing
On my part

My paradise during
These times
Was found by reading
What others had to say about
Finding one’s personal paradise

It was found during meditation
Burning sage and palo Santo
Cleansing the air and energies of my environment

Paradise was reached
When on walks
When in nature
Walking amongst the trees
Listening to the sounds of nature
Being mesmerized by the clouds
Feeling the breeze brush against my skin

Paradise was walking
Barefoot in the grass
Barefoot in the sand
Letting Lake Tahoe swallow me
Into her comforting crisp embrace

Paradise in those times was found
By not complaining
About the hardship
I was in the midst of

Paradise was found in
Enduring it with a smile
With my head held high
With perhaps a wee bit of
toxic positivity at times
Letting it be known that
I must be experiencing this
To learn a lesson

All of that is still a part of me
Pieces of this
Camilla mosaic

I still find paradise
In these things

Although, the paradise
Lands differently these days
It’s not a paradise of escape
It’s a paradise of relaxing
Into arriving at the finish line
Of the battles I have won

These days I find paradise
In adoring and appreciating people
Listening to music,
soaking in every note and lyric of live music
Dancing, moving my body to the beat

I find paradise in poetry,
listening, creating, and delivering
Laughing, being my silly, weird, chaotic self
Sharing deep, thoughtful conversations
With new and old friends
Living out loud and proud

I find my paradise
When I connect
With like-minded people

I find paradise
In learning and discovering
All of the ways in which my power
Was chipped away by others

I find my paradise
In having reclaimed my power
In knowing that I house within me
The portal to life

I find my paradise at the intersection
Of the goddess within me
My joy
And my will to continue learning
About myself

I am learning that paradise
Is when I allow myself
To experience the ecstasy
Of treating myself
To the little things that bring me joy
Having dates with myself
Appreciating my body
My femininity
Noticing my beauty
Rather than criticizing myself

I am learning that paradise
Is when I let myself know
That I am a wonderland
That I have the wondrous ability
To have this ecstatic state of being
From the inside out
Feeling a sense of my own aliveness

I carry paradise within me
For how do I know paradise
Without having traveled through hell
To arrive here

This
This right here
This is Paradise

Camilla Downs, July 2024

Poetry: Crying in the sunshine

July 21 2024

“I am an ocean of emotions but I taught myself to swim.” Louise Kaufman

Crying in the sunshine

I am an ocean of emotions
So I taught myself to swim
For the moments when I have the fortitude
Swimming through the varying
Degrees of emotions

I am an ocean of emotions
So I bought myself a float
For the moments when my strength is depleted
I drift through the emotions
As they ebb and flow

I am an ocean of emotions
So I taught myself to surf
The surfboard my grit
As I slice my way
Through the waves of emotions

I am an ocean of emotions
So I bought myself a life preserver
For the moments
I feel I no longer have the strength
To continue

I am an ocean of emotions
So I befriended the
Ocean creatures
They listening when no one else
Would or could

I am an ocean of emotions
So I transformed
The salty water into
The healing ointment for my wounds

I am an ocean of emotions
So I devoured
Her sands to cleanse
The sadness of perceived rejection
Birthed from past trauma

I am an ocean of emotions
Flowing in and out
The ocean, her creatures
teaching me
It’s do or die

The ocean guiding
Me to release the pressure
Guiding me to know
That how others respond to me
How others perceive me
Ain’t got shit to do with me

The ocean reminding me
That I’m still learning
That I’ll always be learning
To walk as myself
To live as myself
To know myself
To love me

The ocean teaching
Me how to be awake
Knowing that when
I’m awake
I am alive
That when I am alive
I am Fucking FREE
Camilla Downs, 2024

Poetry: Feeling the Breeze – Updated Version 2024

June 29 2024

Originally written and shared June 2023 – This is an updated version June 2024

Prompt: What does Pride mean to you?

Feeling the Breeze

Pride means
I am a safe person
I am a safe space
If you need a warm, loving hug
I will happily share one with you

Pride means
I am an ally
I am an advocate
I am a supporter
I am a member of this community

Pride means
I have a little bit of anger
At times a lot of anger
About not being exposed to the full
Spectrum of relationships and sexuality
As a young person

Sadness over what might of been
With my life had I known
That what I felt, my truth
was not wrong
what might have been
If were to have been
Raised to trust myself

Pride means
Embracing my neurospicy,
Pisces, sexually diverse self
I am undefinable
And I will not define others
A little bit chaos
A little bit edgy
A little bit shy
A little bit bold
A little bit needy
A little bit of a loner
A little bit gypsy
A little bit mermaid
A little bit hippy
A little bit witchy
A little bit enchantress
A little bit seductress.

Pride means, living life on my terms
Meeting life in this moment
Doing what I am moved to do
Saying what I am moved to say
Feeling whatever arises

My eyes wide open
I’ve broken free from the shackles
Of tradition
I’ve opened the windows
Feeling the breeze on my skin
Blowing through my hair
Blowing through my thoughts
Blowing through my heart
Breaking free from the conditions
Of a childhood of constraint
Of not being seen
Not being heard
In fear of rejection
In fear of doing it wrong
Doing it wrong

In fear of not being understood
Not being appreciated
not being wanted
not being desired
not being loved.

Feeling the breeze
I release the traumas of the past.
Knowing when I am responding or living from the old me.
Still falling back into those old ways
The old fears of not being wanted, desired, loved.
Yet catching it when it happens.
Reminding myself
that my worth does not come
From receiving positive feedback from others
That’s old shit.

Pride means, taking young Camilla by the hand
Reminding her she is loved, wanted, and desired
That this does not come from others
It is a given, already there.

I remind myself that I am the love of my life
That I am my partner in this dance of life
That now is the time to rock my world
Having the best love affair of my life
With myself
And this brings liberation, FREEDOM
And Freedom is just another word
For nothing left to lose.

I’m letting it in
No one else can do this for me
Living my life from this point forward
Til I can live it no longer

Pride means,
Being attracted to whoever the hell I want to be attracted to,
Without feeling shame or feeling like I’m wrong.
Breaking free from the the traditional concepts of what it
Means to be in a relationship with another.
Ready to connect and have fun with kindred spirts
Explore, be open
Ready to be touched
Ready to touch
Sparking deep connections
Heart to heart conversations

Pride means,
Loving my two kids, age 18 and 22, loudly
By supporting and
holding space for Lillian and Thomas
By Encouraging them to be authentically themselves
And to be attracted to whoever they are attracted to
And to love whoever they love

Conditioning, traditions, shame,
being afraid to make a mistake
I’m treating myself to throwing those
fuckers into the ocean
To be liberated by her depths

Feeling the breeze on my skin
Blowing through my hair
Blowing through my thoughts
Blowing through my heart
Living life with my heart wide open
Words unspoken, flowing forth
Shared with any who wish to hear them.

Happy Pride Y’all
Camilla Downs, 2024

Poetry: Hot and Salty

June 22 2024

Hot and Salty

The taste of satisfaction
Is one of my favorite flavors

Whirling into my nostrils
Dancing between my lips
Sliding through the spaces
Between my teeth
Gliding over my tongue
Lighting up my taste buds

The taste of satisfaction
Sweet and savory
Satisfaction an eagle coursing
Through my veins
Satisfaction a honeysuckle bloom
Freed from its vine
The scent escaping from my skin

Satisfaction the flavor
Released when the results
Of past decisions
Grow to bear
Desired fruits

Satisfaction the flavor
Released when life
Blooms sweet memories
From past darkness, harshness

Satisfaction the flavor
Released when words
Flow, come together
Linking the puzzle pieces of language
to sync with readers or listeners

The taste of satisfaction
the flavor released from the love language
I give to myself
By having the courage
To be vulnerable
The courage to say yes
The courage to say no
The courage to get up
And do the things
Grabbing ahold of life
Speaking, Dancing, Laughing
The courage to wake up
And heal, releasing my mind
Loving myself
Giving myself stability

The taste of satisfaction
A little bit hot
A little bit salty
Is one of my favorite flavors

June 17 2024

Prompt: Turn your favorite flavor into a paragraph

Never Stop Being on Fire – sea change

May 8 2024

To all the sisters who are on fire. 🔥 🔥🔥 Never stop. ❤️‍🔥❤️‍🔥❤️‍🔥

sea change

To quote Stevie Nicks,
“The rooms are all on fire
Every time that you walk in the room
Well, there is magic all around you”

She’s on Fire means
she has shed the layers of herself she wore
for everyone else’s comfort.
The layers she wore to people-please
For fear that she would be rejected
That she would be rejected
Would be rejected
Rejected

She’s on fire means
She confidently asks for what she needs
She walks into spaces
With an air that she is supposed to be there
That she belongs there
She allows all of her self to enter
No longer afraid to take up space

She’s on fire means
That she fully steps into vulnerability
Unafraid to let the sensitive underbelly
Of vulnerability be exposed
For she knows that being vulnerable
allows others to be vulnerable
Letting others know they are not alone
This sharing creates waves of healing
that permeate the air
Inspiring all who are open to receiving

She’s on fire means
She knows when it’s worth the effort to
Engage in disagreements
She knows when being kind is the way
She knows that there are times when
Not being kind is the way
She no longer argues with those who
Are committed to misunderstanding her
She no longer tries to convince
Someone of her beauty, her worth

She’s on fire means
She has mastered the skill
Of knowing when to stay
And when to walk away
She walks away from toxic, one-sided, dead-end,
low vibrational relationships and friendships
She knows when to say, “I’m done”
She actively works on detoxing the part of her
That resonates with toxic people

She’s on fire means
She has mastered the skill
Of setting boundaries
Of knowing when those
Boundaries are not being respected
She knows when to leave
Burning down the damn bridge on her way out

She’s on fire means
She shares secrets with her skin and bones
With her blood and her heartbeat
Together they know
The older she gets
The quicker time moves
They know the finish line of life moves ever closer
She has decided not to waste
Any more time stopping herself from
Being moved by art, nature, music, poetry, words
Whatever it is
She will permit herself to feel it
She will allow it to express outwardly
She will no longer hold this inside of herself
No longer hold this inside of herself
Inside of herself
Herself

She’s on fire means
She will absolutely not be acting her age
Because what the hell does that even mean?
She will tell other women
How absolutely beautiful they are
How absolutely fucking amazing they are
How absolutely on fire they are
She will never use other women for kindling
In burning down what needs to be burned down

She’s on fire means
She allows herself to fully embrace her style
She will not be a paraphrase
In someone’s life
For she is the whole-ass story
She knows that there is magic
In showing others her true self

She’s on Fire means
She has been to hell and back
Where she collected the ashes of past struggles, past hurt and trauma
To use as confetti whenever she celebrates
And she brought back fire-tinged glitter
To sprinkle on her sisters when they need fire
she has stepped into her true, fluid chameleon self
she has released worry about what others think
Released
worry
About
What
Others
Think
For this is true freedom.
This is true freedom
True freedom
Freedom

And it is fucking glorious.

Camilla Downs, 2024

Poetry – The Love of Laughter

The Love of Laughter

We meet for coffee
Ordering our favorite, hot, steaming beverage
In a mug that fits perfectly into the hands

We begin catching up with one another
Sharing about life events
Future plans

Taking turns talking
Darting from one topic to another
Then back again to the same topic
Oblivious to the buzz and chatter
Of the cafe and people around us

We pause between words
Lift the mug to the lips
Inhale the intoxicating scent of that
Dark liquid gold
Take a sip
Feel it touch the tongue
And slide down the throat

Next the conversation takes a turn
For the lighter side
We share something that
Only the two of us would find funny
We begin to laugh together

What we laugh about
Is something that could be crushed
By the weight of sadness
Were it to be viewed in that way

Nevertheless, we laugh
This is how we have chosen to
Meet these life moments

Laughing til our faces hurt
Laughing til we can no longer form words
Laughing til we can’t breathe
Laughing til our stomach muscles contract with pain
Laughing til the laughter spreads to the people next to us
Laughing til the laughter
Sprouts wings
Fluttering down the lane
Infecting all in its path
Taking to the skies
Bringing laughter to the clouds
The sun, the stars, the moon

When the wave of laughter subsides
We take a deep breath,
sip our coffee
And think how good this felt

We open our minds
And see into one another’s soul
With this shared experience

Our sense of humor is our virtue
There is nothing that compares
to this type of joy shared together.

Camilla Downs, 2024

Poetry: Unfinished Poem

**THROWBACK POETRY**

August 2023

Unfinished Poem

White puffy clouds in the sky
You know how I feel
Bright blue sky
You know how I feel

The first time we met
I could feel him in my bones
Heart beating faster, entire body lit up,
Lightheaded
Sizzling, tingling,
thick clouds of sweet, sticky nectar invading my brain
Drunk on him, I was

I’d lose all capacity
To think and speak coherently

We began texting
It felt as if we gave one another
Permission to go deeper

Holding hands in the darkness
We were safe from the world spinning around us

Sharing a little more with each message sent
And with each of those messages
The fondness grew stronger
I felt safe with him

A light breeze blowing through my hair
You know how I feel
The cool water caressing my body
You know how I feel

His uniqueness
authenticity
beauty
willingness to share his truths with me
His enthusiasm about getting to know me
Filled me with excitement, anticipation

The first time we kissed
Warm, tender, sweet
Delicious

The messages getting hotter
The fondness growing stronger
The hugs shared drenched me
With a feeling of being home

Sitting under a shade tree
You know how I feel
The touch of the cool, soft grass
You know how I feel

That time he touched my inner thigh
Telling me he loved my legs
Igniting the desire even more

I thought this was mutual
He wanting to know more about me, my life
Me wanting to know more about him, his life

Then he turned away,
stopped sharing, stopped reaching out, something had shifted
My neurospicy brain and tender heart
Wanted to make sense of it

Warm sand between my toes
You know how I feel
The scent of honeysuckle
You know how I feel

One minute into me, the next not
This continued for a while
Until I had to turn away
As the Mystery of this Love
Was tormenting me
My fondness, my desire for him
Was not where he could be

I had to leave us Unfinished
Unfinished as is the poem
He wrote to me
That lives in the messages on my phone

Two unfinished poems
That came together for a
Brief moment in time

The sun shining through my window
You know how I feel
The full moon in the deep black sky
You know how I feel

A brief moment in time
To experience an intense, sizzling
Safe, bright connection
The bits of our lost souls coming together
For a sweet, slippery dance to the tune of our poetry.

Leave out: This experience,
these poems,
The music he shared with me,
him
I treasure.

And That’s where this poem must end.

Unfinished
Yet, complete.

Camilla Downs, 2023