Poetry: Neurospicy Frame of Mind

Neurospicy Frame of Mind
Prompt: Paint of picture of your mind

The sky during the Spring 2024 eclipse, left side of photo is the sun with orbs and a dark blue sky, the middle of the photo is clouds and rainbow colors, the right hand side is darker colored clouds 

Spring 2024 Eclipse by Camilla Paige

Lost in confusion
High on joy
Laser focused on topics
Attaching to a problem until the solution is reached

My mind my emotional torturer
- my emotional rescuer
My mind my personal bully
- my personal protector
My mind my bright creator
- my dull detractor

Hard to let things go
My mind a ferris wheel
With malfunctioning controls, unable to stop
Round and round the thoughts go
With each rotation
digging deeper into the soft grooves of my brain

As a scrub jay caches seeds and acorns
Stashing little piles throughout their territory
My mind collects details
Items most people don’t notice
My brain operating unconsciously
Stashing the details into
Tiny, color coordinated file folders
Within tiny, color coordinated filing cabinets
With tiny, color coordinated keys to lock them away
I, oblivious until the details have escaped my lips

A miniature Sherlock Holmes
The size of a microscopic mite
Lives in the folds of my brain
With a minuscule magnifying glass
Wearing a small deerstalker cap
Smoking a teensy cherrywood pipe
Collecting clues
Discovering details
Seemingly useless information
I think maybe some of it is

Springing to my consciousness exactly when I need it
The miniature Sherlock Holmes
Living in the folds of my brain
Works her magic as fast as light travels

Then there’s the slow, peaceful section of my mind
A miniature panda bear mesmerized by the simplest things
Clouds in the sky
Water dancing along the window
Snow flakes falling
Easily distracted
Wonder what that is
How does this work
What’s that noise
Let’s research this

My mind is happiest, is sharpest
When everything goes as planned
When I prepare in advance
Know the route
Know the process
Know the time commitment
I’m in the zone
Fully immersed in a feeling of energized focus
Full involvement and enjoyment in the process

My mind falls apart if things don’t go as planned
If someone doesn’t know the process
If things don’t go as I thought they would
My mind becomes chaotic, hard to focus
My face warm with anxiety
The anxiety creeping throughout my body
A thick fog settles along the bumps of my brain

When I need to remember
My mind repeats it over and over
I’m in the grocery store
Yogurt
Bread
Cheese
My mind repeats these three
Yogurt
Bread
Cheese
I’m driving home
Yogurt
Bread
Cheese
Unintentionally continuing to repeat these three
Consciously telling myself, you can release those now
It’s pretty wild stuff

My mind likes to categorize
I thrive when everything is in its place

My mind likes order
Everything facing the same way
The towels lined perfectly
The blinds even
The windows open to the same level

My mind likes piles
Piles of paperwork - to do
Piles of paperwork - to file
Piles of paperwork - to review
Piles of paperwork - to shred

This poem repeats content
My mind repeats content
This poem is out of order
My mind is out of order
This poem is a work in progress
I am a work in progress

Welcome to my mind
Where ADHD, OCD, and Anxiety live
Where feral Gen X memories live
Where healed trauma lives
Where my pisces spirit lives
You may need a nap now, or a drink
I know
I get it

Colorful, creative mind -
You are a rainbow spectrum
of countless amazing aspects
I love you!
©CamillaDowns, 2024



This prompt is from my local Monday Night Poetry group. You can find me there every Monday, listening and sharing spoken word poetry.


You can find me on Medium here:

View at Medium.com

Poetry: Sword of Unquietness

Sword of Unquietness
Prompt: Broken Silence

A woman with long curled hair, bent over the camera, holding an index finger over her mouth as if to say "be quiet". Only her right eye is visible.

Camilla – June 2024

Trigger Warning: Rape

Silence
Noiseless
The absence of sound
Censorship of oneself
As multifaceted as the eyes of a dragonfly

Silence offers welcome respite from the noise of life
Silence is used against someone as punishment
Silence allows space to focus, space to be mindful
Silence is used as a form of protection
Silence welcomes relief to a noisy, chaotic mind

At a young age I learned that silence discouraged attention
I learned to censor myself
My brain became the staging ground
Where it was decided which thoughts to release
Which thoughts not allowed to escape

Staying silent meant safety
When I disagreed
When invisibility was required
Silence was my shield
My knight in shining armor
Protecting me from the judgment of others
Safeguarding me from unwanted attention

This shield was my instinctive response
When as a teenager I naively got into a dangerous situation
Alone in a car with a stranger
I innocently believed this person
when asked if I wanted to ride along for an errand

As the car entered a wooded area
I felt sick with anxiety
My body became numb
My face flush with mounting panic
Looking around to see if I could spot someone

Would anyone hear me if I screamed for help?
Would I be lost in the woods if I jumped out and ran?

I thought I was going to die that night
I guess I was lucky because he didn’t kill me
Instead, he raped me

I feared for my life
I thought if I fought back, if I screamed
I would die

The knight in shining armor
My shield of silence came to my aid
My shield brought reinforcements
Another skill I learned as a child
I disassociated from what was happening
As he lowered the passenger seat
As he pulled my pants down
As he got on top of me
My body was there
My mind, heart, and soul were not

A similar scenario came into my life
Two additional times in my late teens

I never told anyone
I stayed silent
What would people think about me if I told them
I had been raped
Once
Twice
Three times

I buried that shit deep, telling no one

Until my silence was broken in the year 2017
The 2006 “me too” movement dominated news cycles
Flooded social media

Using all my strength, I moved forward
The silence of my decade long spiritual journey
Empowered me to break a different type of silence

I was motivated, uplifted, and inspired by other brave humans
This is the moment I broke my silence
Sharing on my blog and social media

No longer will I remain silent
About this or any topic I am moved to speak about
My knight in shining armor
My shield of silence
Now replaced with a sword of unquietness

For there is power in the many voices
Who decide to stay silent no longer

For those of us who stayed silent
For fear of what they would think about us
Fear of being told it was our fault
Fear of not being believed
Fear of attention being drawn
To those who shrink and wither under the weight of this attention

No longer staying silent
When voices need to be heard
By those who have built walls of ignorance
Turned deaf ears to traumatic events
Discounting fellow humans they have deemed less than
You will hear our collective unquietness

I’m not going back
The silence is broken
Never to be quieted again
©Camilla Downs, 2024

Poetry: The Banned Heart

The Banned Heart
Prompt: If you could buy a new heart, what kind would you buy?

Image captured by Camilla Downs

If I could buy a new heart
I’d return to my childhood

I’d buy a heart
that was not emotionally neglected
as a child and a teen

I’d buy a heart that knew she was enough
A heart that understood she was unconditionally loved
by the adults around her

I’d buy a heart that knew in her coming-of-age years
that she could love and be attracted to whoever she was attracted to
No matter what body parts they have or don’t have
No matter what their skin color or nationality
a heart that knew and understood that love, that sexuality, is a spectrum
with the knowing that this is a beautiful aspect of being human

I’d buy a heart that wasn’t raised
in an environment of living life a certain way
just because that’s the way it has always been lived

I’d buy a heart that knew she could burn all that shit down
A heart that understood she didn’t have to mask
She didn’t have to hide her true self
She didn’t have to be less than for the comfort of others

I’d buy a heart of mirrored glass
That reflected the divine love
that is inherently ours

A mirrored heart
That let others know they are loved
They are worthy
They belong
They are free to be themselves

I’d buy a heart that now knows
Why some amongst us want to ban books
Books that enlighten us
That help us to be our true selves
Books that show us we aren’t wrong for not conforming
Books that help us to know we aren’t flawed
for the way we feel or don’t feel

I’d buy a heart that knew she was worthy
of respect and love
a heart that knew she deserves
Exactly what and who she wanted

I’d buy a heart that understood she
Did not have to settle
A heart that knew she did not
Have to help others reach their potential
While draining her energy

I’d buy a heart that claimed her uniqueness
Her beauty, her authenticity, from a young age
Sprinkling that shit wherever she went
For it to marinate with the fertilizer shed
by the broken hearted, the emotionally abused
blossoming into unconditional love, and worthiness
to be claimed as they free their burdened hearts

I’d buy a heart that
Is the portal to freedom
I’d buy the heart that has taken me decades to cultivate
the heart that has repeatedly been through hell and back,
the heart that is tenacious, loving, empathetic, fierce
the heart that beats quicker and quicker
within my chest as I write these words

That heart
That’s the heart I’d buy.
©Camilla Downs, 2024


This poem was shared on Medium in August 2024. There will be a delay in posting poetry on my blog as paid Medium subscribers get first reads. You can connect with me on Medium here. There is a free version.

View at Medium.com

 

Poetry: Whispers of a Wild Summer Trip

Whispers of a Wild Summer Trip

Camilla at a Scenic Overlook Near Lake Mead – taken by Thomas – July 2016

(Written to be read as Spoken Word poetry)

This was a case of
Don’t think, just do it

I thought about it just enough to know
That this would be an opportunity
To walk into my fire
Let me tell you
I wildly walked into that fucking fire
And came out the other side
Thinking, girl you are unhinged!

I didn’t know what I was in for when
Me and my two kids, Thomas and Lillian
Began attending the yearly
Chromosome 18 Family conference in 2009

I didn’t grasp
the significance of
attending our first conference
I didn’t know the weight
held within taking that first step
That it would have such a
profoundly positive effect on us

I didn’t know
That this event
These strangers
Our connection
Would soak deeply
Into our hearts
Our souls
Becoming a part of us
Sprouting into life-long friendships

I didn’t know that
It would become so important to us
That I would do whatever it took
To get us there

Then came the 2016 conference
San Antonio, Texas that year

Every year we held a family fundraiser
Creating artwork to sell
Raising money to pay for the airfare,
hotel, and registration fee

2016 was a financially hard year
Not enough money that summer
I was deeply worn out
Feeling the exhaustion
From years of unease
Worrying about how to pay for food
Pay the rent
Pay for gas
Pay for necessities
Combined with advocating for Lillian
The piles of paperwork
The never ending phone calls

But I knew that I must
Get us to that conference
So with very little thought
I decided I would drive us

I would drive us from Reno, Nevada
To San Antonio, Texas
I would drive us 1,722 miles
25 hours with 1 adult
1 special needs 14-year-old
And a full of energy, talkative,
17 questions a minute, 10-year-old
In a 15-year-old car
With a tendency to overheat
A 15-year-old car
That burned through oil
As quickly as I burned through
joints in my teen years

Sure
No worries
Right?
What could go wrong?

One Camilla meltdown later
A very late start
Spending an hour in a gas station bathroom
with Lillian vomiting due to car sickness
No cell service for 8 hours
Hundreds of thoughts of getting
Stranded on the side of the road, and worse
During those 8 hours

The car overheating many times
Not using the air conditioner in 90–100 degree weather
So the car would cool down
My body so intensely hot
I began to fantasize about taking ice baths

The glue holding the driver’s side mirror in place?
Oh, that shit melted due to the intense heat
Holding the mirror with my left hand
While driving the last 45 minutes

Finally arriving in San Antonio
Three days after leaving Reno
Ready to drop from tiredness and relief
Then four days of joy
Enjoying the conference

Time to get back to Reno
Luggage in the car
Team TLC in the car
Borrow duct tape from the hotel
Tape driver’s side mirror
And we were off

{Lunch left sitting in the lobby — Shit}
{Adding a 30 minute detour to get new lunch}

Three long days later
Rolling into Reno after midnight
My body fueled only by my tenacity
Every single muscle of my body aching
I finally landed in bed with relief

Pleased with myself that I did it
I got us to the conference
Damn, I did it

I drove my little family 3,444 miles
To do something that
Is important to all of us
I conquered that damn road
I became a (S)hero in that moment

The pride for having achieved this wild trip was not alone
It brought with it a strong, informed voice
Whispering ….

That was wild
That was a little bit crazy
That was a little bit, maybe, not the smartest thing you’ve ever done
And there is no way in hell
No way in hell
I will ever do that again.
Not
Ever
Again.
©Camilla Downs, 2024

Selfie of Thomas Lillian Camilla at a rest stop July 2016


Written using a combination of three different prompts. At times, I like to combine prompts.

“Don’t think, just speak” was our Monday Night Poetry prompt.

A prompt from my poetry friend, Elise. “I didn’t know what I was in for when …”

Wild Writers Club August Theme of Wild Summer — Found here:

View at Medium.com


This poem was shared on Medium in August 2024. There will be a delay in posting poetry on my blog as paid Medium subscribers get first reads. You can connect with me on Medium here. There is a free version.

View at Medium.com

The Author’s Words Are Like Honey – Words of Alchemy

Super soothing, this beautiful book of poetry really spoke to me and it was an utter joy to dip into it over several nights. So many themes are explored – from nature to healing to family to love to change to acceptance. The author’s words are like honey; uplifting, blissful and popping with Eureka moments! – Isabella May

You can learn more about Words of Alchemy by going here …

Author

Blessings,
Camilla
See It. Share It. BE IT … Spread Love Everywhere You Go!

“Words of Alchemy”, published December 2019, is a free-verse poetry memoir covering the last 6 years of my life. The poetry of nature, the poetry of healing, the poetry of appreciation, the poetry of love, in one beautiful book.

Amazing news! My 20 year old daughter, Lillian Darnell’s debut book, “Where Would You Fly and Other Magical Stories” was published January 2018. Learn more and order here

Wonderfully exciting news! My 16 year old son, Thomas Darnell‘s book, Biggest Little Photographer is published. Be inspired! Learn more and order here.

Raw and Deeply Touching – Words of Alchemy

Thank you to Jenifer Jansen for this beautiful review!

“I was so touched by the words within the pages of this book. It’s so real, it’s raw, it’s deeply touching. Absolutely brilliant!” – Jennifer Jansen

You can learn more about Words of Alchemy by going here …

Author

Blessings,
Camilla
See It. Share It. BE IT … Spread Love Everywhere You Go!

“Words of Alchemy”, published December 2019, is a free-verse poetry memoir covering the last 6 years of my life. The poetry of nature, the poetry of healing, the poetry of appreciation, the poetry of love, in one beautiful book.

Amazing news! My 20 year old daughter, Lillian Darnell’s debut book, “Where Would You Fly and Other Magical Stories” was published January 2018. Learn more and order here

Wonderfully exciting news! My 15 year old son, Thomas Darnell‘s book, Biggest Little Photographer is published. Be inspired! Learn more and order here.

 

Enjoyable and Soothing – Words of Alchemy

Thank you to Chantelle Atkins for this lovely, glowing review for Words of Alchemy!

I found this to be a very enjoyable and soothing read and would recommend it to anyone who feels the need to dip out of this busy life for a while and lose themselves in words and imagery. The author does a fantastic job of penning poems that are thought provoking but ultimately calming. I read this in a few sittings and came away feeling soothed and replenished each time. I particularly liked the different topics tackled, such as parenting, healing and nature, and I really feel there is something for everyone in this collection. – Chantelle Atkins

You can learn more about Words of Alchemy by going here …

Author

Blessings,
Camilla
See It. Share It. BE IT … Spread Love Everywhere You Go!

“Words of Alchemy”, published December 2019, is a free-verse poetry memoir covering the last 6 years of my life. The poetry of nature, the poetry of healing, the poetry of appreciation, the poetry of love, in one beautiful book.

Amazing news! My 19 year old daughter, Lillian Darnell’s debut book, “Where Would You Fly and Other Magical Stories” was published January 2018. Learn more and order here

Wonderfully exciting news! My 15 year old son, Thomas Darnell‘s book, Biggest Little Photographer is published. Be inspired! Learn more and order here.

A Book of Affirmations, A Book of Magic Spells – Words of Alchemy

“This collection of free-verse poetry is vivid and heart-felt. At times it seemed like a book of affirmations; at others a meditation on life. Even more poems reminded me of magic spells, sending love and good wishes out into the world. I enjoyed reading the explanations that many of the poems carried too. All in all, Words of Alchemy by Camilla Downs is a magical read.” – Fi Phillips

To learn more about Words of Alchemy, go here …

Words of Alchemy

Blessings,
Camilla
See It. Share It. BE IT … Spread Love Everywhere You Go!

“Words of Alchemy”, published December 2019, is a free-verse poetry memoir covering the last 6 years of my life. The poetry of nature, the poetry of healing, the poetry of appreciation, the poetry of love, in one beautiful book.

Amazing news! My 19 year old daughter, Lillian Darnell’s debut book, “Where Would You Fly and Other Magical Stories” was published January 2018. Learn more and order here

Wonderfully exciting news! My 15 year old son, Thomas Darnell‘s book, Biggest Little Photographer is published. Be inspired! Learn more and order here.

My Desired Super Power With a Million Pounds – Chelle Interviews Camilla

I’m chatting with Chelle of Curled up with a good book about jobs I’ve had over the past 13 years, Fahrenheit 451, Arsenic & Old Lace, the best thing I’ve done so far in my life, my desired super power, Equal Justice Initiative, and what I would do with a million pounds! Check it out … xoxo ….

Tell us a bit about yourself:

My name is Camilla (pronounced like Pamela, but with a “C”) and I live in Northern Nevada, USA in the beautiful city of Reno. We live in very close proximity to Lake Tahoe with great walking and hiking in forests surrounded by fir and pine trees, with gorgeous lakes. I love reading, going for swims, going for walks, and taking nature photographs.

How many books have you written and published?

I’ve written two books, and contributed to two others for a total of four books. I’m an indie author and publisher under my own imprint of Loving Kindness Books.

December 2019: The latest to be published is the free-verse poetry memoir, Words of Alchemy.

January 2018: My 19 year old daughter’s book, Where Would You Fly and Other Magical Stories. This is a collection of her short stories and poetry from the age of 5 years old through 16 years old.

October 2016: My 14 year old son’s book, Biggest Little Photographer. This is a collection of photographs that he took during a 365 photo a day project, beginning when he was 8 years old, concluding at 9 years old.

February 2012: D iz for Different – One Woman’s Journey to Acceptance, a memoir of my journey to acceptance of becoming a single parent, acceptance of becoming a parent to a special needs child, acceptance of myself, and acceptance of financial ruin.

What other jobs have you done other than being an author?

Before I became a mom in 2001, I was a paralegal for 10 years and before that I worked in the mortgage industry. My day job for the past 18 years has been being mom to my two kids, 19 year old Lillian, and 14 year old Thomas. I’ve homeschooled (well, unschooled them) for about the past 5 or 6 years, with Lillian graduating in June 2019. Lillian is special needs, having a chromosome deletion called 18p-, so I’ve been her caretaker too.

Throughout the past 13 years, I have had many “jobs” so that I could focus on being a parent, being in charge of my own schedule. I’ve made jewelry, been a social media consultant, been a substitute teacher, Reiki practitioner, mentor, delivered newspapers, dog walking, cat sitting, and elderly visits.

Name one book you think everyone should read and tell us why?

I recently read Fahrenheit 451 by Ray Bradbury. I know, very late to the game with this one. However, I was swept away by the story, and kept finding myself comparing it to modern times. A must read for anyone who has been living under a rock, like me. Hahaha!

What’s your favourite film of all time and why?

It’s impossible for me to name a favorite of all time. So, I’m going to share the first movie that came to mind …. Frank Capra’s Arsenic & Old Lace. We watch this every year on October 31st. My son and I love the oldies, especially Frank Capra movies. Here’s a link to the trailer …

What is the best thing you’ve done in your life so far?

The best thing I’ve done in life so far is spending the past 15 years on healing myself, getting to know myself, loving and appreciating myself; while solely single parenting two unique kids.

If you could have a superpower, what would it be and why?

My superpower would be a heightened and clear intuition. Specifically, having to do with myself, where I would be happiest and most useful at contributing to society, while also supporting my family. This is a blind spot for me. Others can see the areas in which I shine. Yet, it is not clear to me.

You win a million pounds – you give half to charity. Which charity do you pick and why?

I would donate to the Equal Justice Initiative (https://eji.org/). The work that Bryan Stevenson does through EJI is much needed, and speaks to my heart. I cannot fathom if someone I loved experienced what those who EJI helps experience. It’s maddening and heartbreaking. I watched a movie recently based on the case that Stevenson took on that created the EJI. It’s titled, Just Mercy, and it is a powerful movie.

What would you do with the rest of the money?

I would invest some of the money. With the remainder, I would take my family on a lovely vacation. Then, I would buy a piece of property, and build each of us a small house on it. My daughter will always need someone with her, or at least really close. This way she could experience being independent and I would get a BREAK from her!! Hahahaha!

What is your favourite time to write, and why?

My favorite time to write is in the morning. I feel more alert and in the zone during that time. However, I’m okay writing at any time, whenever content decides it’s ready to be written!

Go here to read the full interview post ….

https://curledupwithagoodbook.co.uk/meet-the-author-camilla-downs/

Blessings,
Camilla
See It. Share It. BE IT … Spread Love Everywhere You Go!

“Words of Alchemy”, published December 2019, is a free-verse poetry memoir covering the last 6 years of my life. The poetry of nature, the poetry of healing, the poetry of appreciation, the poetry of love, in one beautiful book.

Amazing news! My 19 year old daughter, Lillian Darnell’s debut book, “Where Would You Fly and Other Magical Stories” was published January 2018. Learn more and order here

Wonderfully exciting news! My 15 year old son, Thomas Darnell‘s book, Biggest Little Photographer is published. Be inspired! Learn more and order here.

The Number 18 – Words of Alchemy

The Number 18

Today is your 18th Birthday.
Lillian Paige Darnell is 18 years old today.

I can still see you in my mind’s eye
as a wee 4 pound sweetheart
as I wondered and dreamed
about your journey to adulthood.

Wow! Did we take giant
twists and turns,
paths less traveled.

Little did I know as I snuggled
you close, sang to you (sorry about that),
and read, read, read to you;
that the number 18 would come
to be a powerful number for you,
for us, in more ways than we could imagine.

When you were 3 years old,
As we sat eating dinner,
As the phone rang,
As the pediatrician delivered
news – 18p-, she said,
missing the short arm of
chromosome 18, she said –
that rendered me speechless,
with tears sliding down my face
into a dinner I could no longer eat.

Little did I know at the time
that this was not the horrible
news I assumed it to be.

Oh, yes. Life changing, for sure.
Yet, not in the way my mind
led me to believe in those first few weeks.

There is no way on this Earth
I could have foreseen how
life changing this would be for me.

Life changing for me so as to
let you be who you came here to be.
For that to happen unconditionally
and organically, I had much learning to do.

Not just learning about genetics,
chromosomes, DNA,
and the effects of deletions of genes.
That was the small stuff compared to
the enormity of the path that lie ahead.

As you step into adulthood on this day
It is my deepest hope that
I have made more decisions for
the highest good, than not.

It is my deepest hope that the times when I have
remembered to share and be unconditional love
stand out and far outweigh the times when
I have not been at my best.

May the wishes you wish come true.
May the dreams you dream become reality.
May the sunshine light your way ever more.
May the moon teach you its secrets.
May the birdsong always sing sweet melodies to your heart.

May you step into adulthood
with iridescent rose gold fairy
wings of the highest and brightest
as you take flight on the next
greatest adventure of your life.

I love you
I honor you
I respect you
I am grateful for all that you
have taught and continue to teach me.

You are You
And You Are Perfect!

Love,
Camilla
Mom – ©Camilla Downs

To learn more about Words of Alchemy, go here …

Words of Alchemy

Blessings,
Camilla
See It. Share It. BE IT … Spread Love Everywhere You Go!

“Words of Alchemy”, published December 2019, is a free-verse poetry memoir covering the last 6 years of my life. The poetry of nature, the poetry of healing, the poetry of appreciation, the poetry of love, in one beautiful book.

Amazing news! My 19 year old daughter, Lillian Darnell’s debut book, “Where Would You Fly and Other Magical Stories” was published January 2018. Learn more and order here

Wonderfully exciting news! My 15 year old son, Thomas Darnell‘s book, Biggest Little Photographer is published. Be inspired! Learn more and order here.