Sword of Unquietness
Prompt: Broken Silence

Camilla – June 2024

Trigger Warning: Rape

Silence
Noiseless
The absence of sound
Censorship of oneself
As multifaceted as the eyes of a dragonfly

Silence offers welcome respite from the noise of life
Silence is used against someone as punishment
Silence allows space to focus, space to be mindful
Silence is used as a form of protection
Silence welcomes relief to a noisy, chaotic mind

At a young age I learned that silence discouraged attention
I learned to censor myself
My brain became the staging ground
Where it was decided which thoughts to release
Which thoughts not allowed to escape

Staying silent meant safety
When I disagreed
When invisibility was required
Silence was my shield
My knight in shining armor
Protecting me from the judgment of others
Safeguarding me from unwanted attention

This shield was my instinctive response
When as a teenager I naively got into a dangerous situation
Alone in a car with a stranger
I innocently believed this person
when asked if I wanted to ride along for an errand

As the car entered a wooded area
I felt sick with anxiety
My body became numb
My face flush with mounting panic
Looking around to see if I could spot someone

Would anyone hear me if I screamed for help?
Would I be lost in the woods if I jumped out and ran?

I thought I was going to die that night
I guess I was lucky because he didn’t kill me
Instead, he raped me

I feared for my life
I thought if I fought back, if I screamed
I would die

The knight in shining armor
My shield of silence came to my aid
My shield brought reinforcements
Another skill I learned as a child
I disassociated from what was happening
As he lowered the passenger seat
As he pulled my pants down
As he got on top of me
My body was there
My mind, heart, and soul were not

A similar scenario came into my life
Two additional times in my late teens

I never told anyone
I stayed silent
What would people think about me if I told them
I had been raped
Once
Twice
Three times

I buried that shit deep, telling no one

Until my silence was broken in the year 2017
The 2006 “me too” movement dominated news cycles
Flooded social media

Using all my strength, I moved forward
The silence of my decade long spiritual journey
Empowered me to break a different type of silence

I was motivated, uplifted, and inspired by other brave humans
This is the moment I broke my silence
Sharing on my blog and social media

No longer will I remain silent
About this or any topic I am moved to speak about
My knight in shining armor
My shield of silence
Now replaced with a sword of unquietness

For there is power in the many voices
Who decide to stay silent no longer

For those of us who stayed silent
For fear of what they would think about us
Fear of being told it was our fault
Fear of not being believed
Fear of attention being drawn
To those who shrink and wither under the weight of this attention

No longer staying silent
When voices need to be heard
By those who have built walls of ignorance
Turned deaf ears to traumatic events
Discounting fellow humans they have deemed less than
You will hear our collective unquietness

I’m not going back
The silence is broken
Never to be quieted again
©Camilla Downs, 2024