About Me – Camilla – Updated June 2025

Featured

Posted on by
Reply

Camilla – Summer 2024

I’ve joined Substack! In doing so, I created an up to date About me. Thought I would share it here, too. If you’re on Substack, let’s connect there!

My name is Camilla Downs (pronounced like Pamela, but with a “C”), and I’m mom to Lillian Darnell and Thomas Darnell, who are now adults. I have single-parented them and advocated for them from the time they were 1-year-old and 5-years-old. We are a neurospicy trio, with all of us being neurodivergent in one way or another.

I’m late diagnosed with ADHD, Anxiety, and OCD. I am a bestselling author, indie publisher, writer, poet, and prior to becoming a mom, I enjoyed a career as a paralegal, working at The Pierce County Prosecutor’s Office — Civil Division in Tacoma, Washington. I’m also a late bloomer with coming out as bisexual; pansexual to be more specific (thanks to my kids).

Currently, I am a Project Leader and Family Navigator, having been with Family Navigation Network since February 2022. Family Navigation Network is a project of Nevada Center for Excellence in Disabilities, which operates within the University of Nevada, Reno.

I consider myself to be a master improviser and problem solver. I can access a situation, nail down the tasks, take action, and get results. I live in Northern Nevada in the foothills of the Sierra Nevada Mountains with gorgeous Lake Tahoe nearby.

A photo of Lake Tahoe taken from a distance (Hwy 431), with a blue sky and a tree in the right hand side of the photo.

Lake Tahoe — Taken by me 2024

My daughter Lillian has 18p-, being diagnosed when she was 3 years old after the pediatrician suggested genetic testing, due to Lillian being behind in more than three areas of development. The pediatrician called me as soon as she got the results, letting me know over the phone, rather than postponing until we could get in to see her.

After pulling myself together, I found the Chromosome 18 Registry that night while searching online. This was before facebook, and social media groups, and I joined The Registry shortly thereafter. I spent time observing the conversations in the Yahoo listserv before jumping in, introducing myself, and asking questions.

Writing has been a sanity saving bridge that has led to peace and solutions. Single parenting two children, losing nearly everything, and choosing to dig deep within, led me on a journey for which I had no map. Through writing, I created the map as I traveled this wild, at times unlovely and uncomfortable, life journey.

Writing led me to acceptance of myself and my role as a parent to my two unique and beautiful children. Writing brought solid steps to take with decisions. In some situations, writing was not the only factor; yet, it has been a shining thread of grace that connected my heart and mind along this life journey. And still is.

I wrote the first poem in January 2013. I still remember how wild it felt having these words populate my mind and how compelled I felt to free them. It was the beginning of the alchemy. Alchemy which continues to this day. My book published in 2019, Words of Alchemy, is a free-verse poetry memoir of six years of my life.

Poems have not been the only style of writings throughout the past thirteen years. My first book published in 2012, D iz for Different — One Woman’s Journey to Acceptance, is a memoir of experiences and acceptance up to that point in time. After the publication, writings seemed to ebb and flow between life narratives and poetry.

Writing is my witness, my soul song. Writing is my therapist, my medicine, my best friend, my parent, and my advisor. This is not to say that writing replaces any of these roles, it simply enhances them.

Writing alchemizes what I experience. My laptop becomes the couch I rest upon; while writing my experiences becomes the therapist. This helps me to synchronize with life, giving myself feedback for these experiences. Writing becomes an avenue to connect with and release the myriad of emotions and experiences of life.

It is through writing that I find myself. It is through writing that I allow myself to physically feel emotions. It is through writing that I connect with the unlovely events of the past buried in my body on a cellular level. It is through writing that I allow myself to feel what I dared not feel beginning at some point in childhood, through to adulthood. It is through writing that past and present events are alchemized and released.

I look forward to vibing with you. Just to let you know, my older writings are incredibly tame, nature centric, with no foul language. My writings from 2020 to current are wild, bold, raw, and laced with cussing. My writings mirror where I am in this journey, and the current phase of Camilla that shines.

A family of five. A smiling mom in the front, with her oldest smiling daughter to her right, two smiling grandparents behind them, and the mom’s youngest child, smiling in the back.

Me and my two kids, Thomas and Lillian, and my mom and dad — May 2024

If you’re on Substack, let’s connect –

https://substack.com/@camilladowns

 

Book Musings: Why Poetry

Posted on by
Reply

June 28 2025

Finally back to reading “Why Poetry”. I received this as a Christmas gift, started reading right away, and had to stop when spring semester began. I’m only 60 pages in and this book is so darn good.

“French poet Charles Baudelaire rejected all poetic convention entirely, including rhyme, meter, and even line breaks, creating the oxymoronic “Prose Poem” (p 64) **Baudelaire is my spirit poet!! This man must live in my poetry veins!**

Unlike prose, the prose poem is freed of any responsibility to consistency. The purpose of the poem is above all else to create an atmosphere: it is to enact the feeling of starting, impossibly, to understand what it is that yes up the human soul.

The one thing poetry can do is to remind us of a time when we were, as a species, in a sort of childlike state of perpetual wonder.”

Gratitude for Scattered Pieces Coming Together

Posted on by
Reply

June 28 2025

(Originally posted on my Substack – https://camilladowns.substack.com/)

Welcome to this new weekly (maybe) installment. Please let me know if you think this will be too much for your inbox; receiving this weekly share in addition to my Friday essay or poem. Since this will be inconsistent and not necessarily covering only a week, or even the week in which I share it, I’m titling it, Freeze Frame.

Watched: The Lighthouse. This is one wild movie. I still don’t know what happened. Were both men crazy? Was one of them hallucinating? Or both?

Watched I Saw the TV Glow. I first heard about this movie from a fellow student in my script writing class. I was intrigued as she was emphatic about the greatness of this movie. I also came across an instagram post a few days ago discussing the film. It was a pretty good movie about feeling different, like you’re not really in your body and time moving weirdly, along with the possibility of other dimensions. The two main characters felt like real people. I’ve watched some shows and films where I could not related to characters as they behaved in ways that no person would behave.

Watched Prospect. I watched this because I love a good sci-fi and adore Pedro Pascal. It was good. Kept my attention with touching on our ability to trust others and speaking to human’s desire to remove precious materials (and fight over it) from any world, not just Earth.

Watched Vesper. I watched this one as it’s about Earth’s eco-system having been destroyed, and biohacking wrapped into a sci-fi theme and feel. I really liked this one, too. I love that the teen girl is strong and intelligent, and moved to help the population that is banned from entering the areas where the elite live.

Watched the series, Dept. Q. I love a good mystery. Make it a grumpy British detective and I’m hooked! I hope there’s more seasons of this one.

Walked: I went for walk at Virginia Foothills Park; which I haven’t visited in a year or two. I was down in the dumps, deeply sad. I haven’t been for a walk outside of my complex since last fall, before fall semester began at UNR. I went to bed deeply sad last night, woke up the same. Between this lovely, much needed walk, and a therapy session where we dug into what was triggering the sadness, I’m feeling better.

I am deeply grateful to my therapist and her use of EMDR therapy. We unpacked some deep stuff, traveled back to 5th grade, and I made a decision to honor my feelings; and to stop doing things for fear that I will miss out, or be excluded. And the big one, to stop creating solely to receive recognition. Damn if that stuff isn’t tied to sweet lil 5th grade Camilla.

Read: Finished Trumpet by Jackie Kay. I really like Jackie Kay’s writing style, and I love this story.

Listened to: Driving around running errands, I listened to Shake it Up by The Cars, Venus by Bananarama, The Glamorous Life by Sheila E., Got to Be Real by Cheryl Lynn, Crazy Little Thing Called Love by Queen, Whoomp! (There It Is) by Tag Team, and Give Me One Reason by Tracy Chapman.

Wrote: No fresh writing other than this. I did make a decision to recenter myself as far as my writing goes. I have been forcing myself to write poetry. And the results have been way less than stellar. It seems I let myself move away from writing because I needed to say something, or needed to get something outside of myself. I had unconsciously shifted to writing to receive acknowledgment. Not at all why I began to write in the first place. So I’m beginning with this weekly Freeze Frame essay. It may dwindle to nothing when fall semester begins, but I will be writing as I’m taking poetry and creative non-fiction.

Tasted: I ordered a Reuben sandwich and Belgian fries from a (new to me) Austrian restaurant, Edelweiss Pub. The best damn fries I think I have ever had! The Reuben was unlike any Reuben I’ve ever had, and was delicious!

Health and Body: After filing a complaint with Renown in regard to the rejection of my cardiologist’s referral to hematology, and some back and forth, I finally received a message that I can schedule an appointment now. I simply need my iron levels to be monitored since I’ve had to have an iron infusion two times in the last few years.

I also finally got Lillian’s iron infusion scheduled!! That took much time, advocating, and back and forth, too. Now to get her referral to the hematologist addressed which was also denied. I filed a complaint for that also.

I got a pretty drastic haircut. I’ve not had bangs in nearly 30 years. So I got bangs and a shag cut. I’m not quite sure how to deal with bangs anymore so I’ve just been pinning them down. And I actually like them that way. I don’t think I like hair touching my forehead. Ha!

See you next week, or the next, or the next … Thank you for reading my writings and for subscribing!

Lovely Walk and EMDR Therapy

Posted on by
Reply

June 24 2025

I haven’t been for a walk outside of my complex since last fall, before fall semester began. I went to bed deeply sad last night, woke up the same. Between this lovely, much needed walk, and a therapy session where we dug into what was triggering the sadness, I’m feeling better.

I am deeply grateful to my therapist and her use of EMDR therapy. We unpacked some deep stuff, traveled back to 5th grade, and I made a decision to honor my feelings; and to stop doing things for fear that I will miss out, or be excluded. And the big one, to stop creating solely to receive recognition. Damn if that stuff isn’t tied to sweet lil 5th grade Camilla. 🖤👽🖤

Covering for Survival – Discussing the film Different for Girls

Posted on by
Reply

June 29 2025

Discussion question relating to the class viewing of Different for Girls (1997) in my Women in Literature class at University of Nevada, Reno.

How is Kim for much of the film an example of Yoshino’s idea of “covering”? How is her personal life received by her workplace? How is her personal life affected by her concerns with passing and “covering”?

Covering is a way to blend in by hiding your true self behind mannerisms and characteristics expected by the dominant groups in society. As I read about Yoshino’s idea of covering in Lecture 1, I kept thinking of “masking”. I understand they are different, but as a neurodivergent person and being a part of the community, we mask at times to blend in, to not stand out. We cover our true self so that we are accepted into the group. I find this a fascinating thread of similarity. I wonder if anyone has written a paper comparing these.

Kim is terrified of being noticed by others, of standing out. She seems to want to blend in, and not have her identity cause problems, or get her into trouble. She maneuverers each day doing what society expects her to do, dressing and behaving in the way society dictates that women dress and behave. Kim’s personal life is perceived as a mystery to her co-workers. They gossip about her, and make assumptions about her home life and love life. No matter how hard Kim tries, they still see her as “other”, not one of them and she is excluded from their gossip. I connect these women to the journalist, Sophie, in Trumpet. She views Joss as a freak, an oddity, someone that needs to be uncovered and exposed, even after death. Kim and Joss are in different situations, but Sophie’s attitude is similar to many of the characters in Different for Girls.

She seems to keep a routine, lives alone (so no worries about having to cover with a flatmate), she writes the type of cheesy greetings that are expected of her, and keeps hidden that she secretly writes non-conforming poetry/greetings. Kim also keeps her identification and all necessary documents with her at all times, for fear of having her identity challenged. She is worried about getting in trouble with the cops and having them send her into a cell with men.

I find this heartbreaking. Even though the film is dated, we still have people who have to cover, who live in fear. Especially now. MAGA has successfully run a propaganda campaign vilifying the transgender community, othering them, calling them pedophiles. It’s vile and disgusting. I have a loved one who is non-binary so I am passionate about this.

Covering for Survival by Camilla Downs

Discussion Question for the film, Different for Girls

Read on Substack

Poetry Under No King – Monthly Poetry Slam: Incredibly Talented Poets

Posted on by
Reply

June 21 2025

I finally made it to this new Reno event! Poetry slam! 🔥🔥🔥 This is different from Monday Night Poetry. It’s slam style, a competition that’s judged with winners receiving a cash prize!

I was forced to be a judge by local legend, Courtney. Very mean of her. 😂😂😂 It was a great time, with incredibly talented poets. You should definitely go next month!