What the Hell – Death of Democracy

November 1 2024

It’s a multi day process, ending with sending those precious and powerful votes by starlight. 💙💙💙 Not fucking going back.💙💙💙

November 8 2024

Co-sign. 100% … I love you, my child.

My own thoughts via a poem dropping tomorrow. If you don’t want to see it in your feed, you may want to unfollow or unfriend now. 🖤✊🖤

“There’s a lot that can and has been said about all that has occurred in the past 24 hours. I could write a poem, share a quote, or do what everyone else is doing, but I’d like to take a moment to speak about the people I know who will be particularly affected by this. If you voted for Trump, I want you to look me in the eyes and tell me you do not care about a single one of these people.

I have a new professional friend in Russia. With the fact that Ukraine will no longer be supported in its fight against Russia, the chance that this war will continue into a brutal finality, and they will be recruited, has only increased. This is only in addition to a possible path to changes in the country to improve their life being closed.

I have been mentoring a younger teen who recently fell in love with another guy. I have to look at them and try to help them while knowing that they will be in a climate of spite, hate, and despicable activities for another four years. All because they are not part of the majority. They will attend high school with those who feel emboldened to treat them like shit because of this.
I have to think about one of my friend’s partners, who is trans and has been struggling to not hurt herself this entire day. I can advise her logically about DIY HRT, or any number of things, but that doesn’t change that America proudly stated they want her erased. Dead. Never to have existed. The only emotional appeal I can make is about those who still love them, and those who will try to protect them.

I have to go to class with my colleagues and fellow students who I heard cry about the fact that because they were born with a uterus, or because they were born with more melanin, or because they were born asexual, they were somehow seen as “less than” by so many of the people around them. So many best friends, and partners, erased because others did not see them as human at a fundamental level.

My family, both blood and found, is full of queer people, including myself. We have never shied from that identity. But now, we are being told that we should be ashamed, and removed from the public eye. It seems like some of y’all wish it was the 80s again when you could ignore a plague ravaging the gay community. Well, a new plague is here. And I’ll be damned if I associate with anyone who would ignore it.

If you’re going to leave some snarky jackass comment, or really post any bullshit at all, I do not care who you are or how close you thought you were to me. I do not want to be associated with you. Period. I’ll fuck with you, obviously, and then block you. That is all. Much love to those of you who treat your fellow humans like they deserve.” – Thomas Darnell

My rage thoughts:

This is not a simple disagreement
Over what one person likes and one person dislikes
This is not about policy differences
I’ve had friends and acquaintances all my voting life with different policy views
I am a grown ass woman, having voted for over 3 decades now
Therefore, I have had my candidate of choice lose at times
I take the loss with my fellow citizens and we move on

This is different ….

Most of the folks who voted for trump
Won’t say this out loud
But it’s because they feel whiteness is under threat
Out loud they will say it’s about the economy
And this is the message they push
To get some to vote against their own self interest

How do I know this? Why do I believe this?
Some of you may not know that I am a former conservative republican
I was a card carrying NRA member and hard core rush limbaugh fan
Disgusts me to even write those words
It breaks my heart to think back to how entitled and judgmental I was
Unlike those who left the party because of trump
I left before that
It began in 2007 after I fled my 10 year marriage
I withdrew from all forms of media
It took years

It was a slow process
But I finally shed the layers of bullshit
I had bought into
And wore as my own
I KNOW what is said and discussed when they are in private
I know because, unfortunately, I was there
It was not easy to remove the nastiness
I had to unlearn what I thought to be the truth
I not only had to unlearn thoughts
I had to unlearn beliefs that were hidden in my subconscious
Anyone raised in a subtle culture of prejudice, racism, and sexism
Who later in life realized this
Understands what I’m talking about
If you have not confronted these subconscious beliefs
You have no idea what I’m talking about

Throughout history
Plenty of “normal” people have voted for very bad men

If you are truly and honestly confused by this post
Carve out some time, step out of the conservative trump bubble
And educate yourself about what I and many others are sharing
(Don’t ask me to explain. The information is out there, you just have to leave your comfort zone.)

Sometimes I evade my audience
This is not one of those times

~red~

check your privilege
check your empathy
human rights are not politics

death by suicide
73 million people
have assisted in a first step towards the unaliving of democracy
people with the idea that giving rights to others
somehow takes away their rights

they who live in fear of having to share of Earth’s bounty with humans who are different from them
they who make themselves feel better by “othering” their fellow humans
those with closed hearts
those with no empathy
those who drink the hate to
fuel the flames of the fear
those who eat the stereotypes
to satisfy the hunger of White privilege and power
satiating that Christian privilege and othering

for those who don’t assimilate and conform
they are okay with us being targeted
they don’t want to have to see or be around others who are different
they feel threatened by this

somehow they have outnumbered us
grown stronger by the steady diet of propaganda, hate and division
fed to them
like newborn nestlings
mouths wide open, waiting for the next delivery
the
lies
racism
sexism
bigotry
lies
homophobia
transphobia
ableism
misogyny
lies
classism
greedily devoured
easily swallowed
sinking into the hearts
marinating, softening
regurgitated as biblical verse
spewing from their mouths as scorching lava
causing the fear
the hate
the divide
to grow
burning Mother Earth as the divide grows larger
a vortex devouring any chance of seeing eye to eye

they’ve told us all they care about is money
it’s about the economy
by telling me that, they tell me they do not care about me
my children,
the marginalized in our society
having to pay a little less for food gas
is more important to them
than treating human beings as they deserve to be treated

i bear the load of my family’s survival under a trump administration
for we are all marginalized
i walk into this dystopian nightmare
eyes wide open
with my friends and chosen family

bigotry was never gonna go out without a fight
i stand by to get scrappy as hell
i’m ready to be a fucking thorn in the side of tyrants

being vulgar is the name of their game
they dehumanize and other those of us who are different to make themselves feel better
they justify their greed
they screw over the Ukrainians
they jeopardize our relationship with our allies, with NATO
they ignore there is a genocide happening
they are so concerned about losing a small piece of their pie
they are okay with having a convicted felon, ableist, bully, selfish, narcissistic, entitled, sexual predator, racist, sexist, xenophobic, bigoted, ignorant, pussy grabbing, disgusting man as president
a man who stands in front of his frothing fans
making fun of the marginalized
making fun of people like my daughter
degrading comments about people
like my daughter
making fun of people like my daughter
telling lie after lie after lie
he, and they, disgust me

i will not go gently into the night

Actual conversation I had with a trump voter Thursday night: (this was not a stranger or someone I barely know. this is a person I have known since I was born – my dad)

Him: Kamala doesn’t even claim her race. He said racist, sexist stuff about Kamala. Said he couldn’t stand that cackling she did, said she couldn’t form a sentence or speak coherently. And erroneous information about her parents.

Me: That’s racist and sexist. Plus, trump is the one who cannot form a damn sentence and just talks nonsense, in between saying racist, sexist, ableist shit.

Him: Said that if people learned economics and how the economy works they would have voted for trump.

Me: You think 70 million people don’t know how the fucking economy works? I told him we know how the damn economy works, but we have empathy, and care about humans more than money.

Me: Being very loud and sweary.

Him: Just calm down.

(That’s invalidating and sexist, by the way.)

Him: I love trump because he’s such a good business man.

Me: What the actual fuck? Guy had all his money given to him, has filed bankruptcy 9 times, and has most of his business ventures have gone belly up.

Him: Says he supports the rounding up of illegal immigrants. Says he paid the money for his wife to be here legally.

Me: First, that’s privileged and classist. And by the way, stephen miller says they are going to go after the legal immigrants after rounding up illegal immigrants.

Him: Who is stephen miller?

Me: Holy shit!

Him: The Haitian immigrants are eating the cats and dogs. And immigrants are murdering people.

Me: The Republican governor, the mayor, and the police department said on multiple occasions that was not happening. It was false. Immigrants are not murdering people. There have been maybe TWO cases where that has happened.

Him: Kamala was going to take away and ban ALL the guns.

Me: That’s not true. Only the guns that are being used for mass shootings in schools. Do you not care about these kids?

Him: They would just use knives instead of the guns.

Me: How many people can you mass kill with knives as opposed to rapid fire guns?

Him:

Him: Abortion should be left up to each state

Me: That’s not working. Women who have miscarriages are dying because they cannot get proper care due to the abortion bans

Him: They should just keep their legs closed and use birth control

Me: {My brain actually exploded}

Him: Just go calm down and write your poem

Me: I will not calm down, but I will write my poem

Poetry: Neurospicy Frame of Mind

Neurospicy Frame of Mind
Prompt: Paint of picture of your mind

The sky during the Spring 2024 eclipse, left side of photo is the sun with orbs and a dark blue sky, the middle of the photo is clouds and rainbow colors, the right hand side is darker colored clouds 

Spring 2024 Eclipse by Camilla Paige

Lost in confusion
High on joy
Laser focused on topics
Attaching to a problem until the solution is reached

My mind my emotional torturer
- my emotional rescuer
My mind my personal bully
- my personal protector
My mind my bright creator
- my dull detractor

Hard to let things go
My mind a ferris wheel
With malfunctioning controls, unable to stop
Round and round the thoughts go
With each rotation
digging deeper into the soft grooves of my brain

As a scrub jay caches seeds and acorns
Stashing little piles throughout their territory
My mind collects details
Items most people don’t notice
My brain operating unconsciously
Stashing the details into
Tiny, color coordinated file folders
Within tiny, color coordinated filing cabinets
With tiny, color coordinated keys to lock them away
I, oblivious until the details have escaped my lips

A miniature Sherlock Holmes
The size of a microscopic mite
Lives in the folds of my brain
With a minuscule magnifying glass
Wearing a small deerstalker cap
Smoking a teensy cherrywood pipe
Collecting clues
Discovering details
Seemingly useless information
I think maybe some of it is

Springing to my consciousness exactly when I need it
The miniature Sherlock Holmes
Living in the folds of my brain
Works her magic as fast as light travels

Then there’s the slow, peaceful section of my mind
A miniature panda bear mesmerized by the simplest things
Clouds in the sky
Water dancing along the window
Snow flakes falling
Easily distracted
Wonder what that is
How does this work
What’s that noise
Let’s research this

My mind is happiest, is sharpest
When everything goes as planned
When I prepare in advance
Know the route
Know the process
Know the time commitment
I’m in the zone
Fully immersed in a feeling of energized focus
Full involvement and enjoyment in the process

My mind falls apart if things don’t go as planned
If someone doesn’t know the process
If things don’t go as I thought they would
My mind becomes chaotic, hard to focus
My face warm with anxiety
The anxiety creeping throughout my body
A thick fog settles along the bumps of my brain

When I need to remember
My mind repeats it over and over
I’m in the grocery store
Yogurt
Bread
Cheese
My mind repeats these three
Yogurt
Bread
Cheese
I’m driving home
Yogurt
Bread
Cheese
Unintentionally continuing to repeat these three
Consciously telling myself, you can release those now
It’s pretty wild stuff

My mind likes to categorize
I thrive when everything is in its place

My mind likes order
Everything facing the same way
The towels lined perfectly
The blinds even
The windows open to the same level

My mind likes piles
Piles of paperwork - to do
Piles of paperwork - to file
Piles of paperwork - to review
Piles of paperwork - to shred

This poem repeats content
My mind repeats content
This poem is out of order
My mind is out of order
This poem is a work in progress
I am a work in progress

Welcome to my mind
Where ADHD, OCD, and Anxiety live
Where feral Gen X memories live
Where healed trauma lives
Where my pisces spirit lives
You may need a nap now, or a drink
I know
I get it

Colorful, creative mind -
You are a rainbow spectrum
of countless amazing aspects
I love you!
©CamillaDowns, 2024



This prompt is from my local Monday Night Poetry group. You can find me there every Monday, listening and sharing spoken word poetry.


You can find me on Medium here:

View at Medium.com

Chad Basil the First in His New Place

August 16 2024

I visited my grand kitty and Thomas today, arriving with 4 bags of groceries. Don’t be telling me you don’t have food. Imma show up with lots of it. 🤭😂🤭 We had a great visit! Love you Thomas. Love you Basil!! 🖤🖤🖤

sea change – National Poetry Month – April 21st

April is National Poetry Month. I’m going to attempt to write one poem every day this month. Today’s poem: 21/30 for April 21st.


(Photo by Camilla – 2024)

sea change

To quote Stevie Nicks,
“The rooms are all on fire
Every time that you walk in the room
Well, there is magic all around you”

She’s on Fire means
she has shed the layers of herself she wore
for everyone else’s comfort.
The layers she wore to people-please
For fear that she would be rejected
That she would be rejected
Would be rejected
Rejected

She’s on fire means
She confidently asks for what she needs
She walks into spaces
With an air that she is supposed to be there
That she belongs there
She allows all of her self to enter
No longer afraid to take up space

She’s on fire means
That she fully steps into vulnerability
Unafraid to let the sensitive underbelly
Of vulnerability be exposed
For she knows that being vulnerable
allows others to be vulnerable
Letting others know they are not alone
This sharing creates waves of healing
that permeate the air
Inspiring all who are open to receiving

She’s on fire means
She knows when it’s worth the effort to
Engage in disagreements
She knows when being kind is the way
She knows that there are times when
Not being kind is the way
She no longer argues with those who
Are committed to misunderstanding her
She no longer tries to convince
Someone of her beauty, her worth

She’s on fire means
She has mastered the skill
Of knowing when to stay
And when to walk away
She walks away from toxic, one-sided, dead-end,
low vibrational relationships and friendships
She knows when to say, “I’m done”
She actively works on detoxing the part of her
That resonates with toxic people

She’s on fire means
She has mastered the skill
Of setting boundaries
Of knowing when those
Boundaries are not being respected
She knows when to leave
Burning down the damn bridge on her way out

She’s on fire means
She shares secrets with her skin and bones
With her blood and her heartbeat
Together they know
The older she gets
The quicker time moves
They know the finish line of life moves ever closer
She has decided not to waste
Any more time stopping herself from
Being moved by art, nature, music, poetry, words
Whatever it is
She will permit herself to feel it
She will allow it to express outwardly
She will no longer hold this inside of herself
No longer hold this inside of herself
Inside of herself
Herself

She’s on fire means
She will absolutely not be acting her age
Because what the hell does that even mean?
She will tell other women
How absolutely beautiful they are
How absolutely fucking amazing they are
How absolutely on fire they are
She will never use other women for kindling
In burning down what needs to be burned down

She’s on fire means
She allows herself to fully embrace her style
She will not be a paraphrase
In someone’s life
For she is the whole-ass story
She knows that there is magic
In showing others her true self

She’s on Fire means
She has been to hell and back
Where she collected the ashes of past struggles, past hurt and trauma
To use as confetti whenever she celebrates
And she brought back fire-tinged glitter
To sprinkle on her sisters when they need fire
she has stepped into her true, fluid chameleon self
she has released worry about what others think
Released
worry
About
What
Others
Think
For this is true freedom.
This is true freedom
True freedom
Freedom

And it is fucking glorious.

Camilla Downs, 2024

*Prompt: What does “She’s on Fire” mean to you?

Give Me One Reason – Monday Night Poetry

February 9 2024

Last Monday was exactly what I needed and I had a blast! Love these deep diving poetry folks!

The Space in My Heart

Give me one good reason
Why I should stay

When we’re together the words
You say to me
Bury themselves into the fertilizer
Of my heart
Watered with the tears that shed
When you ignore me
Sprouting, growing into the garden of you

Only to be crushed by the boot
Of your unreliability, dishonesty
Your empty, meaningless words
Supported by your inconsiderate nature

You come to me as an option
When you need replenished
When you’re lonely, sad, or confused

I am sustenance caught
In your web
Suspended, stuck
Waiting for you to come for me

I’m continually questioning my
Position in your life

I’m tempted by your tasty fruit
I know I should disconnect

My soul knows this

I want to understand you
I want to explain how I feel

But my soul knows I need someone
Who chooses me over and over again
Someone whose efforts reflect
I am wanted in their life
Someone who abundantly fills my cup

Give me one good reason
Why I should stay

Are we just telling ourselves stories?
We would do and say anything
To hang on to each other

Fiction filled stories
With pieces of truth
Patching the plot holes

Dancing to the tune of
Each others energy
Smiling in each other’s sunlight
Singing the joy bursting from our hearts
Drawn together like magnets

Is it fiction or truth?

Deep down I know the answer

Infusing myself with the strength
Of all the goddesses before me,
I close my eyes,
take a deep breath
And I
Walk away

February 2024

Inspired by Tracy Chapman’s “Give Me One Reason”

Hosted by @sidewayseightprojects and @mondaynightpoetrynv

Throwback Post: Lillian and Camilla October 2015 Date Day

**THROWBACK POST**

October 14 2015:

Lillian and Camilla October 2015 Date Day – Lillian’s first time visiting Rock Park. So pretty!! – part 1

Lillian and Camilla October 2015 Date Day- Lillian’s first time visiting Rock Park. So pretty! Then stopping for a gluten free dessert for our picnic later. – part 2

Lillian and Camilla October 2015 Date Day- Picnic on the patio and then dessert in the garden area by the lodge. Pumpkin spice tea with a sea salt caramel cannoli for me and a candy cookie for Lillian! Yum!

Lillian and Camilla October 2015 Date Day- last stop – Window shopping and getting ideas. We haven’t been here in a year or two. She loves looking at the beds and couches. xoxo

Throwback Post: Lillian and Camilla November 2015 Date Day

**THROWBACK POST**

November 23 2015:

Lillian and Camilla November 2015 Date Day …

Trader Joe’s for some groceries. It was packed and had to park further out then ever! I was inspired by Angela’s post a few days ago and grabbed 2 stray carts to return as we were walking to the entrance. It was like a can of sardines in there! Yet, we enjoyed ourselves and I smiled at everyone I could. Shared some giggles with people I don’t know and it was great.

As I was taking my cart back to the store, a person who parked near us offered to take my cart back and wished me a Happy Thanksgiving!! I love loving-kindness! Then we went to Whole Foods for a gluten free dessert for Lillian. Then home for a candlelight dessert. Mini eggnog cheesecake for me and a red velvet macaroon for Lillian. xoxo

Lillian and Camilla November 2015 Date Day … A beautiful, crisp walk around the lake. xoxo

New Poetry – Pride Poetry Event

June 27 2023

Last night was the Pride Poetry event and it was absolutely incredible. This photo is just over half the folks who attended as it went way past the usual time and some had already left.

So much love, so much joy, so much heartbreak. The poems were happy, sad, intense, angry. The full spectrum. It was like a giant rainbow exploded with so many beautiful queers, and a few straight folks. ❤️🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍🌈❤️ I adore these people.

I read two poems. One old, and one new. The prompt was, What does Pride mean to you?

Feeling the Breeze

Two months ago, a series of
Positive, healthy changes came together.
Having to do with my mental,
physical and emotional health.

When that happened the part of me that I put
To sleep 15 years ago, woke up.
Wide open, burning, tingling, on fire,
Inviting the rest of me to wake the fuck up,
Get out, do shit, meet people,
Have fun, live life!

For a year and a half I sat in my car
For the hour long appointment that my teenager
Had every other Monday.
A 5 minute drive from here

This new chapter of my life began the day
I chose not to sit in the car for that hour,
The day I stepped into
The door of Shim’s Surplus,
Attending My first spoken views collective poetry event.

For me, pride means

I am a safe person
I am a safe space
If you need a warm, loving hug
I will happily share one with you

For me, pride means

I have a little bit of anger
At times a lot of anger
About not being exposed to the full
Spectrum of relationships and sexuality
As a young person

Sadness over what might of been
With my life had I known
There wasn’t just one way to be
And one way to love.

For me, pride means

Embracing my neurospicy,
Pisces, sexually diverse self.
A little bit chaos
A little bit edgy
A little bit shy
A little bit bold
A little bit gypsy
A little bit mermaid
A little bit hippy
A little bit witchy
A little bit enchantress
A little bit seductress.

Actually though, I am undefinable
And I will not define others.

Living life on my terms
Meeting life in this moment
Doing what I am moved to do
Saying what I am moved to say
Feeling whatever arises

My eyes wide open
I’ve broken free from the shackles
Of tradition
I’ve opened the windows
Feeling the breeze on my skin
Blowing through my hair
Blowing through my thoughts
Blowing through my heart

Breaking free from the conditions
Of a childhood of constraint
Of not being seen
Not being heard
In fear of rejection
In fear of doing it wrong

In fear of not being understood
Not being appreciated
wanted
desired
loved.

Feeling the breeze
I’m releasing the traumas of the past.
Knowing when I am responding or living from the old me.
Still falling back into those old ways
The old fears of not being wanted, desired, loved.
Yet catching it when it happens.
Saying to myself, Nah girl.
Your worth does not come
From whether or not they like your posts on the gram
Whether they text or not
That’s old shit.

So I take young Camilla by the hand
Reminding her she is loved, wanted, and desired
That this does not come from them
It is a given, already there.
And this brings liberation, FREEDOM
And Freedom is just another word
For nothing left to lose.

I’m letting it in
No one else can do this for me
Living my life from this point forward
Til I can live it no longer

Being attracted to whoever the hell I want to be attracted to,
Without feeling shame or feeling like I’m wrong.
Breaking free from the the traditional concepts of what it
Means to be in a relationship with another.
Ready to have fun with kindred spirts, be playful, hold on loosely,
leaving that serious shit out of the equation
Exploring, being open
Ready to be touched
Ready to touch
Sparking deep connections
Heart to heart conversations
Connecting with those kindred spirits
Holding space for those I love to be who they are, love who they love.

Conditioning, traditions, shame, being afraid to make a mistake
I’m treating myself to throwing those
Bitches into the ocean
To be liberated by her depths.

Feeling the breeze on my skin
Blowing trough my hair
Blowing through my thoughts
Blowing through my heart

Living life with my heart wide open
Words unspoken, flowing forth
Shared with any who wish to hear them.

The old poem I read on Monday night at the Pride Spoken Views Poetry event (an oldie from 2018)

My Dearest Thomas,

A child called Thomas was born
on this day in 2005.

The child arrived around 9:00 in the evening; swimming into a new world.
Incredible joy this one brought along to share. Smiling, smiling, smiling a great deal of the time.

A beautiful baby body,
soft as silk, deep with warmth, and a perfect fit
in this Mom’s arms and heart.

The Mom’s love and support for the child, Thomas,
runs as deep and wide
as the Universe and beyond.

What the Mom most wants Thomas to know in the deepest recesses of the heart ….
You cannot disappoint me,
You are not here to please me
You are not here to do as you think I want. You do not have to fear what I will think.
You cannot disappoint me.

This Mom will support you
always and forever,
beyond even the time in
which she is using this body.

This Mom’s love is not
conditioned on who you be or don’t be, nor what you do or don’t do.
This Mom trusts you.
This Mom believes in you.
This Mom knows you are worthy of your heart’s desire.
This Mom apologizes for conditions not being as you
and she would like.

You cannot disappoint me. I will love and support you always and forever …
Happy 13th Birthday Thomas! I love YOU!!

November 13 2018