June 27 2023

Last night was the Pride Poetry event and it was absolutely incredible. This photo is just over half the folks who attended as it went way past the usual time and some had already left.

So much love, so much joy, so much heartbreak. The poems were happy, sad, intense, angry. The full spectrum. It was like a giant rainbow exploded with so many beautiful queers, and a few straight folks. ❤️🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍🌈❤️ I adore these people.

I read two poems. One old, and one new. The prompt was, What does Pride mean to you?

Feeling the Breeze

Two months ago, a series of
Positive, healthy changes came together.
Having to do with my mental,
physical and emotional health.

When that happened the part of me that I put
To sleep 15 years ago, woke up.
Wide open, burning, tingling, on fire,
Inviting the rest of me to wake the fuck up,
Get out, do shit, meet people,
Have fun, live life!

For a year and a half I sat in my car
For the hour long appointment that my teenager
Had every other Monday.
A 5 minute drive from here

This new chapter of my life began the day
I chose not to sit in the car for that hour,
The day I stepped into
The door of Shim’s Surplus,
Attending My first spoken views collective poetry event.

For me, pride means

I am a safe person
I am a safe space
If you need a warm, loving hug
I will happily share one with you

For me, pride means

I have a little bit of anger
At times a lot of anger
About not being exposed to the full
Spectrum of relationships and sexuality
As a young person

Sadness over what might of been
With my life had I known
There wasn’t just one way to be
And one way to love.

For me, pride means

Embracing my neurospicy,
Pisces, sexually diverse self.
A little bit chaos
A little bit edgy
A little bit shy
A little bit bold
A little bit gypsy
A little bit mermaid
A little bit hippy
A little bit witchy
A little bit enchantress
A little bit seductress.

Actually though, I am undefinable
And I will not define others.

Living life on my terms
Meeting life in this moment
Doing what I am moved to do
Saying what I am moved to say
Feeling whatever arises

My eyes wide open
I’ve broken free from the shackles
Of tradition
I’ve opened the windows
Feeling the breeze on my skin
Blowing through my hair
Blowing through my thoughts
Blowing through my heart

Breaking free from the conditions
Of a childhood of constraint
Of not being seen
Not being heard
In fear of rejection
In fear of doing it wrong

In fear of not being understood
Not being appreciated
wanted
desired
loved.

Feeling the breeze
I’m releasing the traumas of the past.
Knowing when I am responding or living from the old me.
Still falling back into those old ways
The old fears of not being wanted, desired, loved.
Yet catching it when it happens.
Saying to myself, Nah girl.
Your worth does not come
From whether or not they like your posts on the gram
Whether they text or not
That’s old shit.

So I take young Camilla by the hand
Reminding her she is loved, wanted, and desired
That this does not come from them
It is a given, already there.
And this brings liberation, FREEDOM
And Freedom is just another word
For nothing left to lose.

I’m letting it in
No one else can do this for me
Living my life from this point forward
Til I can live it no longer

Being attracted to whoever the hell I want to be attracted to,
Without feeling shame or feeling like I’m wrong.
Breaking free from the the traditional concepts of what it
Means to be in a relationship with another.
Ready to have fun with kindred spirts, be playful, hold on loosely,
leaving that serious shit out of the equation
Exploring, being open
Ready to be touched
Ready to touch
Sparking deep connections
Heart to heart conversations
Connecting with those kindred spirits
Holding space for those I love to be who they are, love who they love.

Conditioning, traditions, shame, being afraid to make a mistake
I’m treating myself to throwing those
Bitches into the ocean
To be liberated by her depths.

Feeling the breeze on my skin
Blowing trough my hair
Blowing through my thoughts
Blowing through my heart

Living life with my heart wide open
Words unspoken, flowing forth
Shared with any who wish to hear them.

The old poem I read on Monday night at the Pride Spoken Views Poetry event (an oldie from 2018)

My Dearest Thomas,

A child called Thomas was born
on this day in 2005.

The child arrived around 9:00 in the evening; swimming into a new world.
Incredible joy this one brought along to share. Smiling, smiling, smiling a great deal of the time.

A beautiful baby body,
soft as silk, deep with warmth, and a perfect fit
in this Mom’s arms and heart.

The Mom’s love and support for the child, Thomas,
runs as deep and wide
as the Universe and beyond.

What the Mom most wants Thomas to know in the deepest recesses of the heart ….
You cannot disappoint me,
You are not here to please me
You are not here to do as you think I want. You do not have to fear what I will think.
You cannot disappoint me.

This Mom will support you
always and forever,
beyond even the time in
which she is using this body.

This Mom’s love is not
conditioned on who you be or don’t be, nor what you do or don’t do.
This Mom trusts you.
This Mom believes in you.
This Mom knows you are worthy of your heart’s desire.
This Mom apologizes for conditions not being as you
and she would like.

You cannot disappoint me. I will love and support you always and forever …
Happy 13th Birthday Thomas! I love YOU!!

November 13 2018