Throwback Post: What Will I Be When I Grow Up?

**THROWBACK – JANUARY 2018**

Lillian Shadow on Hill 2014 or 2015(Photo of Lillian taken by Camilla in 2014)

She asked, “What will I be when I grow up?”

Dear One,

You will Be what you already Are. That is constant and never changes. You do not have to be anything other than what is aligned with your heart. You do not have to strive for labels and titles … unless these are aligned with one’s heart.

You’ve been asked many times over the years by well meaning adults, “What do you want to be when you grow up?” You have stayed true with your response to this even when the questioner did not understand your answer, even though the questioner thought that you didn’t understand their question, and pressed you for a different answer.

You Will BE what you already Are. Uniquely You. Sharing what only you can share in the unique way only you can share it. What is “it”, you may ask. It has many names. Love, kindness, compassion, unconditional love, divine love … Whatever it is called, matters not.

For when you share the gift of yourself with another, this gift will guide them in the knowing that they are loved and the knowing of their true gifts. When you share your gift with others, it in turn inspires others to tap into their unique gifts. This sharing arouses the courage in another to share their unique gifts with others.

This creates a ripple effect that can eventually travel the world over. Just your one act of sharing your true self has the power to create a shift in the world. A shift that would awaken many to the compassion, kindness, oneness, and unconditional love which is the core of each and every one of us.

You will BE what you already Are. Stay true to your heart. Follow the compass of the heart. The heart is one’s true compass.

Love,
The Fairy Princess Helper
xoxoxo

Update July 18 2020: I had completely forgotten about this! I remember being inspired to write this by the sheer volume of times that Lillian had been asked this throughout the years, probably reignited by something I had seen in social media. Her answer had always been that she wanted to be a fairy princess helper, she wanted to help people. Many did not understand her answer, or pressed her to make the answer fit into an “real” profession or career.

When Lillian was in kindergarten or first grade, she was working on a project about herself. One of the questions was, “What do you want to be when you grow up?” I remember as if it was yesterday … We were in the car, Lillian in the backseat, I asked her what her answer to this question would be. She said she wanted to be a tooth fairy. The “old” Camilla was still a huge presence in me, and I almost told her that being a tooth fairy, or fairy, was not a real job.

However, the awakened me took over and told Lillian that there were many types of fairies. Book fairies, nature fairies, flower fairies, etc. I also told her she could call whatever she does, any name she likes. The name does not matter. At that time, she said she wanted to be a book fairy. Soon after, she shifted to a fairy princess helper and has stuck with that.

I feel this question should be rephrased. I think it has the tendency to cause children to feel “less than” if they don’t have an answer, or an answer the adult does not understand. I feel they aren’t given enough messages that they are worthy and loved for simply being themselves. (A message partly coming to you from the child within me, who always felt less than and grew up to feel she was not worthy.) xoxo

(I recently changed the hosting company for this website, along with all other websites I manage. In the aftermath, my draft posts got deleted. Oh no! Fortunately, they were in the back up and could be reinstalled. However, the original draft dates were deleted. I’m taking that as a sign that it’s time to do cleanup and housekeeping.)

Blessings,
Camilla
See It. Share It. BE IT … Spread Love Everywhere You Go!

“Words of Alchemy”, published December 2019, is a free-verse poetry memoir covering the last 6 years of my life. The poetry of nature, the poetry of healing, the poetry of appreciation, the poetry of love, in one beautiful book.

Amazing news! My 18 year old daughter, Lillian Darnell’s debut book, “Where Would You Fly and Other Magical Stories” was published January 2018. Learn more and order here

Wonderfully exciting news! My 14 year old son, Thomas Darnell‘s book, Biggest Little Photographer is published. Be inspired! Learn more and order here.

Throwback Post: Being a Sibling to One With Special Needs

(I recently changed the hosting company for this website, along with all other websites I manage. In the aftermath, my draft posts got deleted. Oh no! Fortunately, they were in the back up and could be reinstalled. However, the original draft dates were deleted. I’m taking that as a sign that it’s time to do cleanup and housekeeping.)


(Thomas and Lillian – 2010 – Geiger Way Lookout)

**THROWBACK TO 2014**

After a huge Lillian meltdown this morning which caused him to be a wee bit late for school.

I am trying to help him notice when it’s not a good idea to push Lillian. He does try so hard, but just wants to not have to try sometimes. Lillian is making huge progress, yet, we still have those moments. Thomas’ teacher shares often with me how she enjoys his presence in the classroom as he’s so empathetic and compassionate.

I have recently pulled back from intervening when they decide to be unkind with one another. I’ve explained that I have taught them methods to use and I model those methods. It is up to them whether they use them or not.

This morning it escalated, I remained calm and not involved. It escalated and escalated and escalated. There was screaming and door slamming. I remained calm and not involved. I got scratched and pinched, I remained calm. I kept emphasizing that I’d be happy to help her get calm and to let me know when she was ready. And. Finally, Lillian asked for help in calming down. I walked her through a meditative breathing exercise and we moved on …. I don’t always remain calm. I did this morning and it makes such a huge, huge, huge difference when I do. Mindfulness is an amazing way to live …

Yes, this. I am blessed and grateful that we are a team. I am having the time of my life on this journey with them. The joy, suffering, happiness, peace, love, and all … xoxo

**June 2020 Update** – Six years later. I’d love to say that Thomas and Lillian get along fabulously now. They don’t. Lillian is 18 and Thomas is 14.

Thomas has much anger and unsettled feelings about being Lillian’s sibling. The years of horrific meltdowns. I mean we just had one at 1:30am this morning. I’ve told him as often as I could remember that it was okay to be angry, okay to have whatever feelings he has about the situation.

Much of my time being spent with Lillian. Not having a typical sibling, with a typical sibling relationship, doing typical activities as a family. These all became too much at some point, with him internalizing much. This is something we will be addressing at some point this year.

Lillian has much jealousy towards Thomas, for all the things he can do that she can’t do. Jealous of my time spent with him, jealous even when he and I speak to one another. Jealous may not be the word to use here, it’s quite possibly stems from something else. She may have internalized some trauma from her childhood. All issues to be addressed when she is ready to do so.

I do not share to receive comfort or sympathy. I share as that’s what I know I am to do. I share so other siblings and parents know they are not alone. As I know that in the past I have felt guilt and shame when observing a sibling with their special needs sibling getting along fabulously, with compassion and love. Wondering what I had done wrong. I now know I have done nothing wrong. People are just different.

Blessings,
Camilla
See It. Share It. BE IT … Spread Love Everywhere You Go!

“Words of Alchemy”, published December 2019, is a free-verse poetry memoir covering the last 6 years of my life. The poetry of nature, the poetry of healing, the poetry of appreciation, the poetry of love, in one beautiful book.

Amazing news! My 18 year old daughter, Lillian Darnell’s debut book, “Where Would You Fly and Other Magical Stories” was published January 2018. Learn more and order here

Wonderfully exciting news! My 14 year old son, Thomas Darnell‘s book, Biggest Little Photographer is published. Be inspired! Learn more and order here.

Throwback Post: No Plans and Connecting With Emotions

(I recently changed the hosting company for this website, along with all other websites I manage. In the aftermath, my draft posts got deleted. Oh no! Fortunately, they were in the back up and could be reinstalled. However, the original draft dates were deleted. I’m taking that as a sign that it’s time to do cleanup and housekeeping. Here’s a throwback to nearly four years ago!)


(Photo taken by me at Scripts Wildlife Preserve – Reno, Nevada, USA)

**THROWBACK POST**

June 2016: My words from this time last year (below) …. May the words inspire and encourage those whom it is meant for … xoxoxo

words from June 2015: “Team TLC has come to the end of a chapter in our adventures and we embark on a new chapter. This chapter will be a living-in-the-moment adventure, with intentions of it being FUN and memorable.

I don’t have plans, I don’t know where we’ll live after the summer with the Romano Duo, I don’t know exactly what will happen. I am not always okay with this, but mostly I am. I feel the desire to know exactly how things will happen and the worry that accompanies this are just fears.

In the past I’ve spent a great deal of time confronting and connecting with these and other fears and they no longer have power within me. I know these fears are not the true me and as long as I live from the heart with love as the foundation of all actions, I, and the rest of Team TLC, will be blessed and affluent.

I DO know where I want to live and have much clarity about the role I am to play in being of service. That is all I need to know for now. Connecting with emotions, specifically fear, has been one of the most empowering “non-actions” I have ever taken …. May you choose to connect with any emotion that holds you back.

I know everything will be okay and worry has no hold on me. That’s not to say that worry is no longer present in my life. I am now able to recognize worries, fears, anger, complaining, the desire to be right and have someone else be wrong, as simply the ego throwing a tantrum because I am stepping into my power.

The world is a beautiful love-filled place and none of us were meant to suffer. Our suffering is self imposed with the thoughts that we consciously and unconsciously choose to think. I have chosen to go deep, clear out all the crud and live at a deeper level. xoxo”

June 2016: Still so meaningful to me as we are about to embark on our longest road trip so far in Team TLC history, still not knowing with certainty how we will pay for it all, and when we get back, we’ll be deciding by the end of July on the course of a new adventure …

The need to know when, how, where, and what next; can at times, be the very block that keeps us from fully experiencing life and experiencing it as our true selves … minus the ideas and beliefs of others.

**May 2020: WOW! When I look back at the experiences I had, the way I handled them, I almost find it hard to believe that I wrote this, and that I experienced this! HA! I have moved away from the belief that we 100% cause our own suffering.

That’s pretty harsh, discounting the horrors that some have experienced. Yet, I think I needed to feel and believe this to get to the place where I am now, having more compassion for my own past experiences and those of my fellow humans. Here’s to learning, growing, not being afraid of being authentic, and making it known when you no longer hold certain beliefs.

Blessings,
Camilla
See It. Share It. BE IT … Spread Love Everywhere You Go!

“Words of Alchemy”, published December 2019, is a free-verse poetry memoir covering the last 6 years of my life. The poetry of nature, the poetry of healing, the poetry of appreciation, the poetry of love, in one beautiful book.

Amazing news! My 18 year old daughter, Lillian Darnell’s debut book, “Where Would You Fly and Other Magical Stories” was published January 2018. Learn more and order here

Wonderfully exciting news! My 14 year old son, Thomas Darnell‘s book, Biggest Little Photographer is published. Be inspired! Learn more and order here.

 

The Decision to Feel – Syllables of Swathi

I was recently a guest of Priya on the beautiful book blog, Syllables of Swathi. I shared my thoughts on the choice to allow myself to feel emotions and feelings.

The Decision to Feel

I had a decision to make. I could continue to be stuck in a place of self pity, of feeling like I’m not one of the chosen who gets to have a peaceful, abundant, and joyful life. By no means was this an easy decision to make. I struggled on and off for more than 20 years with a core belief that people like me do not get to have an easy, peaceful life.

A charmed and privileged life of knowing what one wants, how one wants to contribute to society, and for this to effortlessly flow into one’s experience. No, as much as I tried to affirm the opposite of that belief into my consciousness; I found the “people like me don’t get to have it that way” belief still lurked in the dark hidden crevices of my mind.

I’m not one of those who knew as a child what she liked to do and stuck to it. In fact, I have no memories of any interests or leanings during my childhood. In my mind’s eye all that I see or remember are like snapshot photos, like a polaroid instant photo. I don’t remember my childhood as if it were a movie with the scenes replaying in my mind. The things I do remember are frozen in time.

Having a gratitude practice has been the shining light during times when it seemed there was only darkness. Many times it appears as if I have nothing for which to be grateful. With practice, I have learned to dig a bit deeper than what seems to be happening.

On the days in which my mind is swirling with the heaviness of circumstances; I can bring my will power to the table, allow myself to feel the heaviness, and then move into that for which I have to be grateful. There can be a seemingly never ending stretch of time between moving from feeling the heaviness to a gratitude practice. Yet, it’s worth the wait for me to do it in this way.

I can look around me and find dozens of things for which to be grateful. The clothes I’m wearing, the furniture in the room, the laptop I use to pour out my heart, the food in the kitchen, indoor plumbing, toilet paper, a comfortable bed.

Then I can shift my gaze to the window. I am grateful for the window itself so that I may see and have nature within eyesight. Gratitude continues for the trees, and grass, the fresh air, the warmth of the sun, the shade of the clouds, and the delightful bird song.

This is just the beginning. I then close my eyes and bring to mind more images for which I am grateful. My two kids come to mind. I see each of their faces, their smiles, and my heart swells with love and overflows with gratitude. These two wonderful beings have brought deep lessons and incredible joy as they were the catalyst for my arriving at a different destination than I had imagined and shifting my entire view of this thing called life. You bet I’m grateful for these two.

When my daughter, Lillian Darnell, was 3 years old, she was diagnosed with a rare chromosome condition called 18p-; which affects 1 in 56,000 people. Was I grateful for this diagnosis at the time? Absolutely not. I cursed the harshness of it, I cursed life, I was angry and I felt betrayed. Do I feel the same way 15 years later, with an 18 year old Lillian? Absolutely not. …….. Well, let’s be honest. Yes, I do at times. That’s where feeling the emotions and then the gratitude practice shine their amazing light and lend a hand.

In the past I did, in fact, bypass allowing myself to feel the cruddy stuff that called for my attention. I went straight to the gratitude practice without first acknowledging and embracing the unloveliness that had risen to the surface. These days I only bypass when I can’t possibly focus on what needs to be released or I just don’t have the energy or will power. Otherwise, I dive into the abyss and hope I come up for air some time soon!

This gratitude practice and connecting with emotions works best for me when I pour my feelings and emotions into my digital journal. First, I get it all out. Feel what I need to feel as I’m writing, from numbness, to anger, hopelessness, and despair. While at the same time either sobbing or laughing at the ridiculousness of it. For me, this is a critical first step before even entering the gratitude practice. If I did not take this first step, I’d simply be stuffing the unlovely feelings to resurface later.

In all honesty, I forget many times to come back around to gratitude. I am in a hurry, I don’t have time to sit reminding myself of all for which I have to be grateful. By allowing myself to first feel what I need to feel, I can then experience a pivotal shift by acknowledging that for which I am grateful.

At 14 years old, Lillian’s younger brother, Thomas Darnell, has gone through a year or so of being in the throes of puberty and has his own set of challenges. This single parenting journey of raising two kids who each have challenges has been a wild ride. I turn to writing in my digital journal, following with the gratitude practice.

I am not meaning this to sound as if my challenges are any more important or deeper than another’s challenges. At this point I have come to realize each one of us has shadows and struggles. Some of us have perfected bypassing all this jazz, living life seemingly to the fullest. Some of us have perfected diving into it and living life to the fullest. And, some of us are patiently making our way through the diving in part and doing the darn best we can at living life to the fullest. We’re all in this together. Just in a different way.

Having a gratitude practice has been an integral part of this journey for me. I am blessed to remember to appreciate life’s delights, nature’s art and beauty, the kindness and compassion of others; balanced with diving deep into the unlovely feelings and emotions that rise to the surface, ready to be embraced, loved, felt and released.

Breathe in, Breathe out, Feel it …. One breath at a time.

Follow the link to see the post on Priya’s blog …

Guest: Camilla Downs on ‘The Decision to Feel’

 

Throwback Post: Our Purpose and Path

(I recently changed the hosting company for this website, along with all other websites I manage. In the aftermath, my draft posts got deleted. Oh no! Fortunately, they were in the back up and could be reinstalled. However, the original draft dates were deleted. I’m taking that as a sign that it’s time to do cleanup and housekeeping. Here’s a throwback to nearly four years ago!)

**THROWBACK POST**

July 1 2016:

Last night we gathered around and had discussions about where each of us is regarding our purpose and path, about each of our personal visions, how we plan to get there, how far we’ve gotten, what’s holding each of us back, current challenges and where we are as a family.

Then Lillian and I had a beautiful sunset walk.

I came back to an email from Thomas (only a little snippet to follow, per Thomas):

“…… And why? I want to be a role model to others.

Really this is the only time I have wanted to be the leader of something but it is something that I believe is my vision, and my purpose.

You said to do what you like doing and I do know I would like it …..”

Made my eyes pool with sweat … xoxo …

This morning I had a magical early morning walk. Just now looked at the pictures .. the two reflection photos …. and they leave me in awe … May you have a day full of letting go and of being in awe of nature … xoxo

**Update – May 2 2020: There were no photos with the draft post. I was able to locate one of them (above). We no longer gather around and have these types of discussions (which I do miss). With Thomas being 14 years old and Lillian 18 years old, they’ve moved on from doing many of the rituals and conversations we had during their youth. I hope that some of what we discussed and did, is somewhere within each of them, waiting the time when the wisdom is needed.

Throwback Post: This is Life With All the Feels

(I recently changed the hosting company for this website, along with all other websites I manage. In the aftermath, my draft posts got deleted. Oh no! Fortunately, they were in the back up and could be reinstalled. However, the original draft dates were deleted. I’m taking that as a sign that it’s time to do cleanup and housekeeping. Here’s a throwback to almost a year ago!)

**THROWBACK POST**

May 9 2019:

This is life. This is feeling all the feels. For anyone else in the midst of feeling all the feels. Sending love ….

I’m exhausted. My body aches. My back aches. My shoulders ache. My neck aches. My hips ache. I’m sad and I’ve been sobbing on and off all day. I’m deeply tired.

And, I’d just really like someone else to take care of me and everything else for a week or two …

I know that this too shall pass … However, in the midst of this crud, is definitely an unlovely place to be. Here’s to feeling all the feels … May they move on through … And, so it is … (PS … This is definitely not how I look today … I took a photo but not brave enough to post it … HA!)

**Editing to add the morning after thoughts … Thank you so much everyone for your love, hugs, and beautiful comments … You are all a blessing … I am feeling much better this morning.

Having been reminded before falling asleep to embrace what I have been resisting. (Well, that and having a lovely dream in which a lovely person held my hand, held me, touched me gently in all the right places … and other steamy, beautiful things!!) If I’m not meant to have a romantic relationship in the flesh, I can certainly do it in my dreams!

I have a mind that ruminates at times about situations … over and over and over. I forget to breathe into these situations and live through them … They seem to pile on top of me like a stack of wooden blocks … the car needs a new radiator and windshield, money owed for dental work, Lillian’s graduation tassel, diploma, and announcements that need to be ordered, the life insurance bill that is due, vitamins and oils we are out of, this body of mine needs a massage and other body work, getting Lillian’s craniosacral therapy going again as the place that took her disabled medicaid no longer offers it, getting my book finished and ready by the 1st of July, Lillian’s issues, Thomas’ issues, and I truly just need a good, long, relaxing break as I haven’t had one in 13 years …… When all of these begin to swirl and need attention at the same time …. I lose my footing in the knowing.

Thanks to your lovely attention, embracing these things rather than resisting them; and breathing into where I’m at; I feel much much better this morning and have regained my footing. Much love to all of YOU!! 💜💜💜

May 10 2019:

To follow the post I made last night …. After delicious Sumatra coffee and breakfast this morning, I went for the first swim of the season in our community pool.

I am Pisces and I’m pretty sure partially mermaid (as well as partial gypsy) so being in the water is pure heaven for me. It washes things away, it resets and recharges me, it soothes me and energizes me. Then I soaked this aching body in the hot tub for a bit, letting the jets massage my back. I floated back home and had a lovely shower. Ahhhhh … it was perfectly perfect!

Spent most of the day creating a new website that I am incredibly excited to launch! Here’s a wee hint … It has to do with books and authors. Can’t wait to share!

After dinner, I visited Mittens & Jack (two cats I care for when their human is gone) and then enjoyed a peaceful walk around the little lake.

Plus, if you read the post yesterday, I mentioned trying to get craniosacral visits going again for Lillian. I received a text from Lillian’s previous CS therapist that Lillian can come for once a month, 30 minute visits for gratis. I am so relieved as craniosacral therapy was deeply beneficial for Lillian. And a friend is going to gift us the oils we’re out of at the moment. Thank you friends and the powers that be! Hallelujah!

**Update – May 2, 2020: I remember this with love and compassion in my heart for the experiences I moved through, sat with, and let shape and empower the me of 2020. What a beautiful thing to let ourselves experience the shit of life, without trying to sweep it under the rug. For if we do that, things are sure to get messy and stinky for some time to come. Best to sit with it, clean it up, and be on the other side of it. Here’s to living life, with all the feels. xoxo

Blessings,
Camilla
See It. Share It. BE IT … Spread Love Everywhere You Go!

“Words of Alchemy” has arrived, December 2019! A free-verse poetry memoir covering the last 6 years of my life. The poetry of nature, the poetry of healing, the poetry of appreciation, the poetry of love, in one beautiful book.

Amazing news! My 18 year old daughter, Lillian Darnell’s debut book, “Where Would You Fly and Other Magical Stories” was published January 2018. Learn more and order here

Wonderfully exciting news! My 14 year old son, Thomas Darnell‘s book, Biggest Little Photographer is published. Be inspired! Learn more and order here.

Shake Your Booty – Dancing Before Dinner — Team TLC = Thomas, Lillian and Camilla

Quote

March 24 2020 I didn’t feel like going for a walk in this wind, so stayed home and had a dance party, looking out the window while dancing. Close enough!! I heard them say, “Shake Your Booty”, so I put on my Boogie Shoes, became a Dancing Queen, pretended it was September, and felt my…

via Shake Your Booty – Dancing Before Dinner — Team TLC = Thomas, Lillian and Camilla

What Does it Mean to Love

I’ve had a huge, important realization in the past two weeks. One that’s taking quite a bit of courage to put out there … Yet, I feel the need to ask my fellow humans, or at least the three or four of you who read this, for assistance.

What does healthy love, in a relationship with a partner, look like for you?

Do you have an example from your life you’d be willing to share? Whether it’s a few words, a story, a poem, whatever you’ve got that defines a healthy, unconditional love. Let me add that I believe that Love is Love. Period. So, if you have something to share from your partnership that helps to define healthy, unconditional love; please share.

When I say unconditional, that in no way means, staying in a situation with another who is abusive. That is absolutely not unconditional love, going either way. That is an unhealthy and dysfunctional relationship.

The reason I ask …

I recently had a situation arise with someone I love dearly. I suddenly and clearly realized that, of all the behaviors and values I have modeled throughout the past 18 years, there has been one key area missing. I’ve been divorced since 2007, and have not had a relationship with another since then. I am quite clear on what an unhealthy relationship is and can share from experience regarding that.

Prior to my divorce, I had 20 years of experience with unhealthy relationships, so, I’ve got that area covered. Although I received care and affection in my childhood, I grew up in a terribly dysfunctional family, which carried over into partners. That’s why I decided no more for me until I learned to love myself and to love my children unconditionally. 

The one I am asking this for, is on the verge of exploring relationships, that aren’t familial or friends … And, I find myself struggling to help that one understand what true love is … (as opposed to what one sees in movies and reads in many books). In this age of role playing games, with avatars and made up worlds, I am experiencing first hand how one can be lead down a path that is anything but true love, when they’ve nothing to compare it with.

I can also share what I’ve read about true, unconditional love, and what I’ve witnessed amongst other couples. Yet, I do not have first hand experience of what it means to have a partner who unconditionally loves you, and whom you unconditionally love. Therefore, I turn to all of you, those amongst you who have and do experience this … What does that look and feel like?


(“Love is Magical” Renga Poem written by me and my two kids)

The time is now, the time is ripe for me to help this one whom I love to know about this. Both of us are avid readers, so I have given this one three books that I have read that do a very good job of giving real life examples, defining a true and unconditional love. Those books are, “all about love” by bell hooks (which, synchronistically, I happened to be reading when this realization smashed into my consciousness), “The Path to Love” by Deepak Chopra, and “Return to Love” by Marianne Williamson.

“To truly love we must learn to mix various ingredients – care, affection, recognition, respect, commitment, and trust, as well as honest and open communication.” … from “all about love” by bell hooks

I am in tune with this way of defining it, and have experienced dimensions of this, care and affection, being two of those.

All those years ago, I suppose I had hoped that I would have experienced a true and unconditional love with a partner. Yet, that was not to be the path I traveled. I reckon I was not ready to love and to be loved. I had been laser focused on healing and learning how to unconditionally love myself and my children. The beginning of 2020 marked a tipping point for the healing journey. Now begins the journey of heart opening. Hallelujah!

I invite you to share this with those you know who would be willing to share their thoughts. In this case, I do not feel there could be too much information. If you would like to reply privately, you can email to Camilla Downs @ gmail.com. Thank you for taking the time to share. A couple of photos of me and my loves, Thomas and Lillian.

PS: I do not welcome responses that are homophobic, patriarchic, or that support sexist-defined gender roles. 

Blessings,
Camilla
See It. Share It. BE IT … Spread Love Everywhere You Go!

“Words of Alchemy” has arrived, December 2019! A free-verse poetry memoir covering the last 6 years of my life. The poetry of nature, the poetry of healing, the poetry of appreciation, the poetry of love, in one beautiful book.

Amazing news! My 18 year old daughter, Lillian Darnell’s debut book, “Where Would You Fly and Other Magical Stories” was published January 2018. Learn more and order here

Wonderfully exciting news! My 14 year old son, Thomas Darnell‘s book, Biggest Little Photographer is published. Be inspired! Learn more and order here.

One of Those Extra Sensitive Days

With Lillian turning 18 and the stressful move, I got behind on posting things here. For a while, you’ll be getting some older posts as I get caught up … Much love!

December 15 2019:


(Photo of me during a 2013 Date Day with Thomas – seemed fitting)

Feeling extra sensitive today, hormonal, grumpy, pouty, sad, and sleep deprived due to being up to the early morning hours with Lillian. Had I been on the receiving end of the following unsolicited “suggestions” when not in this state, I would have (probably) easily laughed it off. (Sharing for anyone else who is going through some really weird times!)

“You should write about your life, things that happened during your youth, up through your divorce, up through the current time. That would be very interesting. That stuff you’re writing now is too girly and boring. You should write something that appeals to middle aged white males, possibly divorced (the person making the suggestion is also very conservative). A book that details all the raw details (the not nice stuff) and the ripple effect of what you did when you decided to divorce. You could have a section in there from my (the one making this suggestion) point of view, too. Saying no less than five times, “of what happened when you decided to divorce”.

I was so stunned, I remained silent and just responded with Hmmmm … Coming from someone I’ve spoken to a handful of times in the past 6 years. I absolutely welcome input from well meaning friends. All of the previous and a few other things were said in a nice, seemingly helpful tone, with the underlying energy of shaming. I may be extra sensitive today, but I’m no fool. (In case it’s not clear, these suggestions came from my ex-husband.)

I don’t write to an audience. I write what wants to be written and doubt I’ll ever write something that appeals to his demographic … as that’s not ME. What a weird, un-fun, and unlovely past few months this has been. And, yes, I think this will be included in the memoir that has been brewing for years. It just wasn’t ready to be born yet. It may even be born as a fiction, based on true events. We shall see … Here’s to taking deep breaths, being kind to myself, and most of all, loving myself through times like this. And, when needed for release, saying bunches of swear words, bunches …

March 18 2020 Update – Although I was in a sensitive state when this conversation happened, it still would have triggered me. However, I moved through it, letting myself feel what I needed to feel, not trying to push it away. Sending love to anyone who has experienced a similar situation.

Blessings,
Camilla
See It. Share It. BE IT … Spread Love Everywhere You Go!

“Words of Alchemy” has arrived, December 2019! A free-verse poetry memoir covering the last 6 years of my life. The poetry of nature, the poetry of healing, the poetry of appreciation, the poetry of love, in one beautiful book.

Amazing news! My 18 year old daughter, Lillian Darnell’s debut book, “Where Would You Fly and Other Magical Stories” was published January 2018. Learn more and order here

Wonderfully exciting news! My 14 year old son, Thomas Darnell‘s book, Biggest Little Photographer is published. Be inspired! Learn more and order here.

It’s a Wild Ride At Times

With Lillian turning 18 and the stressful move, I got behind on posting things here. For a while, you’ll be getting some older posts as I get caught up … Much love!

November 9 2019:

Entering packing mode and mastering the art of uncertainty (sort of … ). After months of construction delays we are finally moving either on 11.15, 11.18, or 11.19. HA! And even then it will only be temporary until our unit is ready on 12.2.

It is and has been a wild ride of having triggers ignited, meeting all sorts of emotions … sadness, joy, anger, frustration, irritation, shame, and guilt; testing my faith that all will work out eventually. My 2019 theme has been “Meeting My Edge”. Good grief, have I been meeting my edge!

At times, I’ve been holding on to the edge by my fingernails. My method is to allow myself to be with these emotions, walk into them, embrace them, FEEL them, so that I can process and release. All while trying to remember to be kind to myself and love myself through the depths of the shadows I have been traveling.

All of this happened at the same time as Lillian turning 18, with the changes that has brought for her, having to sign documents, take more responsibility for her self care, and we still aren’t passed this. It remains fresh. She is struggling with the change of this, the change of moving, and changes to her schedule.

I share this not for sympathy. I share as that’s my nature. I feel it is important to share the raw and authentic life happenings. The fun, lovely, and joyful. The unlovely and sad. I don’t share everything as I tend to withdraw, turning into the moments. Once I’ve processed, I come back around and share as I feel it’s important for others who may need to hear or see that they are not alone. Being reminded that I’m not alone has been incredibly meaningful for me. Oceans of love to anyone who may need to hear this message … 💜💜💜

So …. let the remainder of the packing and purging begin …

March 7 2020 Update – We are in our new place, settling in nicely. I’m almost finished with paperwork having to do with Lillian turning 18. And as soon as they finish construction on the clubhouse here, I’ll have an official launch party of Words of Alchemy. Whew!

Blessings,
Camilla
See It. Share It. BE IT … Spread Love Everywhere You Go!

“Words of Alchemy” has arrived, December 2019! A free-verse poetry memoir covering the last 6 years of my life. The poetry of nature, the poetry of healing, the poetry of appreciation, the poetry of love, in one beautiful book.

Amazing news! My 18 year old daughter, Lillian Darnell’s debut book, “Where Would You Fly and Other Magical Stories” was published January 2018. Learn more and order here

Wonderfully exciting news! My 14 year old son, Thomas Darnell‘s book, Biggest Little Photographer is published. Be inspired! Learn more and order here.