Throwback Post: This is the Space

**THROWBACK POST**

March 21 2019


(Photo from August 2021 Walk)

This is the space I was in Tuesday night … I sat to write as I felt overwhelmed with the enormity of circumstances and unclear how to proceed.

When it’s my own internal struggles and turbulence I have learned to lean into it, be with it, and try to remember to keep love at the forefront of whatever it is.

What I have not learned is how to do this when someone I love dearly is struggling and I don’t have clarity about how to help them and feel deeply inadequate for the task. Especially when there are two someones struggling. And, sometimes, struggling at the same time.

This is what lies at the forefront of the current journey. It’s definitely not a pleasant place to be. Yet, offers much opportunity to continue to move through one’s own journey while at the same time holding space for those closest to you as they travel their own journey.

I went to bed shortly after writing this. I woke up feeling lighter and more at peace than I had in nearly a week. I also knew which first steps to take in helping my loved one and I took it. PSR Through Writing …. That’s what I call it. Peace Solutions Relief …. Through Writing ..

Blessings,
Camilla
See It. Share It. BE IT … Spread Love Everywhere You Go!

“Words of Alchemy”, published December 2019, is a free-verse poetry memoir covering the last 6 years of my life. The poetry of nature, the poetry of healing, the poetry of appreciation, the poetry of love, in one beautiful book.

Amazing news! My 19 year old daughter, Lillian Darnell’s debut book, “Where Would You Fly and Other Magical Stories” was published January 2018. Learn more and order here

Wonderfully exciting news! My 15 year old son, Thomas Darnell‘s book, Biggest Little Photographer is published. Be inspired! Learn more and order here.

Throwback Post: It Was A Crummy Day

**THROWBACK POST**

I’m not sure of when this was written … 2017, 2018, or could have been in 2019 ??? (When I changed hosting companies in 2020, I lost the original dates for my draft posts.)

I wrote this last night before going to bed. I needed to process. I needed to hear, through the writing, the outcome. I’m on the other side of it now. I’m at peace and ready to put one foot in front of the other. I’m ready to view this with curiosity and anticipation.

Simply sharing with you … as … that’s what I do. I write. I share. And, I do this for you to take away whatever it is that fits your space in this moment. As I finish this preface to yesterday’s writing, I’m hearing Nina Simone’s, “Here Comes the Sun” serenading me …

“Today was such a crummy day. I was incredibly grateful I took the long walk this morning. And that it was such a beautiful, blissful, and magical walk. I didn’t want to go. I wanted to put it off until Thursday or Friday. I am deeply thankful I didn’t put it off as it laid the foundation for processing such a crummy day!

Such is this journey of life. Some days there will be huge disappointment. Some days great expansion and joy. I choose to feel all the feels. The sharp, biting anger and depths of sadness over disappointment and the bliss of magical joy in moments like yesterday.

Interestingly the weather matched me perfectly. The weather seemed to say, “There’ll be days like this. Oh, yes. Days like this.”

I breathe in this disappointment. I breathe it into my entire being, feeling the pings and pangs as it slithers its way through my body. During the walk yesterday in the biting cold and wind, I did what would help me move this through. I screamed to the wind and the trees, WTF am I supposed to do, and some other shi* filled language!!

By the end of the day, I know I am strong enough to keep going and wise enough to allow and know the solutions, and capable enough to do what needs to be done.

My heart and mind are open to accepting that this is not supposed to happen and that it is ultimately in my highest and best interest that it did not happen. As much as I desire to control this and have the outcome I envision, it is not to be.

I shall allow the anger, sadness, and grief to move through me and allow myself to feel it. The old me used to either deflect it or just kind of shove it over in the corner of my cells somewhere. Nice and snug.

I’ve spent many uncomfortable and painful years excavating, breaking free, and releasing loads of anger, sadness, and grief buried in my bones and cells from childhood and teenage years. I’m not about to start burying that crap again!

Once I’m done feeling it all, I will send it love. I will send myself love. I will love myself through to the other side of this. I will keep loving. I will keep smiling. I will keep dancing. I will keep walking. I will keep writing. Where’s my boogie shoes? Gimme my laptop. Time to go to Funkytown!”

Blessings,
Camilla
See It. Share It. BE IT … Spread Love Everywhere You Go!

“Words of Alchemy”, published December 2019, is a free-verse poetry memoir covering the last 6 years of my life. The poetry of nature, the poetry of healing, the poetry of appreciation, the poetry of love, in one beautiful book.

Amazing news! My 19 year old daughter, Lillian Darnell’s debut book, “Where Would You Fly and Other Magical Stories” was published January 2018. Learn more and order here

Wonderfully exciting news! My 15 year old son, Thomas Darnell‘s book, Biggest Little Photographer is published. Be inspired! Learn more and order here.

Throwback Post: Float Your Boat

**THROWBACK POST**


(Photo by me, taken during a 2017 Walk)

December 11 2017:

After an extremely rough afternoon, what a blessing to receive a sweet, loving, kind, and generous message … Just the push I needed to bring on the sobbing so I could connect and release ….

When you have one with difficulties in the executive functions area, it is nearly impossible to suggest spur of the moment activities. In Lillian’s case a meltdown is going to happen 95% of the time.

Yet, I continue to try. We have a blu-ray Christmas movie to watch from the library as they had no regular DVD of this movie.

I figured we could watch it at the lodge in the theater as their equipment will play blu-ray. (I use a really old portable DVD player plugged into a projector for our movie watching as we don’t have a TV.)

I looked on the library website and saw we would have to return the movie on Wednesday so I suggested we head on over and watch it. Well, at the same time, I must have given my patience a vacation. And, invited every worry and concern that has been bothering me over the past three months.

Two kids having meltdowns, one mom having an outburst, and two hours later ….. We are still out of sorts … but this wonderful and generous message was exactly what my heart needed ….

Sharing for anyone else who is having an off day, anyone who gave their patience the day off, or anyone who invited worry and concerns to cloud their day … From one human to another; I share a loving, warm, heart hug with you … And say .. You are not alone. Be still. And know …. xoxo

I find when I am already in “Why me victim mode” and my thoughts are full of worries and concerns that having nothing to do with a current incident … That’s when I lose it. So … when not in that meltdown moment I practice mindfulness and meditation and walks in nature so that I can have a balanced and peaceful perspective most times. Yet, we are human, so that’s not going to happen every time … And … That. Is. Okay …. xoxo

I have felt incredibly out of sorts and in a huge fog lately. Along with some anxiety. I know when I feel anxiety it is usually due to something surfacing that it would be best for me to connect with so as to release. Sometimes I forget that, though, and resist …

Most times if I would quit trying to row the boat and just let that sweet little boat float through life, peace would be more consistent …. For, I fully believe that life knows what its doing and has my back …. xoxo

Blessings,
Camilla
See It. Share It. BE IT … Spread Love Everywhere You Go!

“Words of Alchemy”, published December 2019, is a free-verse poetry memoir covering the last 6 years of my life. The poetry of nature, the poetry of healing, the poetry of appreciation, the poetry of love, in one beautiful book.

Amazing news! My 19 year old daughter, Lillian Darnell’s debut book, “Where Would You Fly and Other Magical Stories” was published January 2018. Learn more and order here

Wonderfully exciting news! My 15 year old son, Thomas Darnell‘s book, Biggest Little Photographer is published. Be inspired! Learn more and order here.

Throwback Post: The Day Lightning Struck My Heart

**THROWBACK POST**


(Cloud Angel – Taken by me during a 2016 or 2017 walk)

August 25 2017

Friday, August 25, 2017, was the day “lightning” struck my heart. It was intense and was the culmination of a month long journey of confusion, worry, discombobulation, frustrations, and dead ends.

Tempered with moments of knowing that this was the work of my psyche and being an observer to the pure madness it was stirring up. (Just to be clear, I am not speaking literally of lightning striking my heart. It’s simply a metaphor for the culmination of a series of events which opened my heart and lightened it.)

The day began by waking with mild anger within me that intensified as the morning progressed. I made my way to the grocery story early. I could feel the anger growing within me.

Next, I made my way to the used book store to pick up a book they had on hold for me. Turns out they re-shelved it two days earlier as I didn’t show up to get it and now it was on hold for someone else. Somewhere along the way I lost a day or two. That was the straw that broke me and made way for the lightning strike.

As I drove away I began sobbing and I felt an urge to scream as loud as I could. I could hold this baggage in no longer. So, I did. I screamed so loud and for so long, “Why, Why, Why”, over and over.

For a split second, I feared I may bust my ear drums with the sheer volume of the screaming. I’m quite sure I have never yelled that loud before. My face felt like it would explode! Then there was a lot of cussing at everyone and everything that came to mind. Sealed with lots of sobbing, sobbing, sobbing.

I felt like I had let myself finally feel some past and current emotions and released them. There was still some releasing to process and it climaxed around lunch time with a full blown potty mouth smack down of the food I was using to make lunch. I felt more of the anger release after that.

Then I sat down and saw I had a new email titled, “Starting, Over and Over Again.” The content of that email guided the release of the remaining anger. A sweet wave of Pure peace and relief embraced me at that point. I had finally connected with and let myself feel and process old and new emotions.

Next, This Happened

One, beautiful, kind, loving gesture. If you have the opportunity to share loving kindness with someone, I beg of you to do it.

You never know what they carry on their shoulders and your act could be the one thing that offers them much needed relief; before they explode or implode. And also restores their faith and knowing in themselves and others.

Someone saying, “yes” to you when it’s been a month of “No” and negative events. That just happened this afternoon. It landed on this heart with such gratitude and relief.

And, from all places, an employee at the Reno Social Security office. I had requested a waiver of an amount owed to Social Security due to an error (having to do with Lillian’s SSI). I felt the two items required to be met for the approval of the waiver, were met.

I had received a letter denying it, and a conference was automatically set for today so that an uninvolved third party could review with me. He agreed with me, and with a few strokes of the keyboard, waived the amount.

That landed on a heart that is parched and thirsted for relief. I hope I didn’t embarrass him. I blessed him and left in tears. Relief, Dear God, Relief from one issue. Thank you, Thank you, Thank you!!! Thank you to Happy, my Guardian Angel. And, thank you to Ram Dass as I sat reading one of his books while waiting. And, And, Thank You to my Mammaw, Elnor Downs, whose presence I felt with me while waiting.

I Let Myself Connect and Feel

This is what happened the day lightning struck my heart. I let myself connect and feel, the new and the old. The shell around my heart was split wide open and warm Divine love poured into me. Deep relief and peace were with me the rest of the day … and still are.

I acknowledged the yearnings of my heart and soul. I let them know that we will have that which we all desire. Just not yet. And I asked for patience while I fully unearth, connect, feel, release and transform into that which is needed for the light I am to fully shine in this life.

The Beginning of the Month Long Emotional Roller Coaster Ride

This actually began back in mid-June when I applied for a Library Assistant position with Washoe County Library System. My deep love of the written word and the mission of library systems is what led me to this and with encouragement from the Librarian at our local library. I also knew that I needed some relief from the pressure of financial obligations. Yet, I feel strongly that whatever I do must be aligned with my heart.

My application was accepted, I was scheduled for and took the test in mid July. I learned while at the Chromosome 18 conference that I passed the test within the needed percentage to be called in for an interview. I interviewed in mid July and felt sure I’d get offered a position as there were four openings. I received the results of the interview on August 2nd.

Wait, Let’s Back Up

The lease for our apartment was up on August 19th and the renewal lease came wrapped with a pretty significant rent increase. If we were going to move, I needed to give a 30 Day Notice to Move; which would land on July 19th. I had calculated that we would not be able to stay here if I did not have some type of part time income flowing our way.

I had to decide, without knowing whether I would get offered the Library Assistant position, whether or not to give the notice. I asked the management if I could back out of the Notice if it turned out I was offered the job and they said, “Absolutely!” So with that, I took a leap of faith and turned in the notice on July 19th.

On August 2nd, while on the Thomas and Camilla August Date Day, I received the email from Washoe County letting me know I was not offered an assistant position. I thought I had been doing a good job at staying detached from the outcome.

Yet, when I received that message, it felt like my entire world came crashing down around me. I kept thinking, “What the heck just happened?” And, of course, my psyche was full of commentary on what I had done wrong during the interview.

Fortunately, Thomas and I were at Sand Harbor, Lake Tahoe when I received the news. Her precious waters soothed me and absorbed some of the disappointment. I was in a foggy, confused, mess of a state for the next couple of days.

Once the fog cleared, I began simultaneously packing more, looking and applying for part time work, and looking for a less expensive place to live. In addition, to exploring ideas that didn’t involve signing a year long lease; such as a motor home or a temporary place for a month or two.

And This Was Also Happening During The Month

I was notified that a small percentage of our current income was to be reduced.

Lillian’s craniosacral therapist left a message that we needed to cancel Lillian’s next appointment as Anthem Blue Cross has decided they will not pay for more sessions.

I received a few “no thanks” responses to jobs for which I had applied or interviewed.

We were denied for a place that would have been perfect! The population has increased so much in Reno that there are thirty or more people trying to get one place. The rental prices have increased beyond a typical increase. When already existing apartments had a vacancy, it was snapped up quickly. New construction apartments have waiting lists; for apartments that won’t even be finished for a year or more.

I had difficulties finding a storage unit that would be large enough that wasn’t overpriced. Those were also being snapped up quickly. Any size of U-Haul truck was not available between August 24 and September 3rd due to Burning Man.

All of these things happening within close proximity were extremely overwhelming.

**February 2021 Update**

It’s pretty wild having stumbled across this while housecleaning on my blog. I remember all of this like it was yesterday, with deep compassion for the 2017 Camilla. I’m shedding tears now for her, and the path she traveled. I did indeed keep the patience, and continue moving forward.

November 2019 brought much relief in the form of a new, affordable place to live. And, February 2020 brought relief by way of a steady income. I am deeply grateful to the friends who stood by me, during those years, and for The Romano Duo and my dad for all that they did to help us.

What a heavy load I was carrying. I’m grateful to be on the other side of it. 

Blessings,
Camilla
See It. Share It. BE IT … Spread Love Everywhere You Go!

“Words of Alchemy”, published December 2019, is a free-verse poetry memoir covering the last 6 years of my life. The poetry of nature, the poetry of healing, the poetry of appreciation, the poetry of love, in one beautiful book.

Amazing news! My 19 year old daughter, Lillian Darnell’s debut book, “Where Would You Fly and Other Magical Stories” was published January 2018. Learn more and order here

Wonderfully exciting news! My 15 year old son, Thomas Darnell‘s book, Biggest Little Photographer is published. Be inspired! Learn more and order here.

 

Throwback Post: Walk With Me – Nature is a Knowing Mirror

**THROWBACK POST**

May 13 2016:

Today’s Walk With Me theme: Anything is possible if the intention is there. If grass can grow on a rock, then your dreams, your creations are possible.

Confirmation that nature is indeed a mirror reflecting your beauty and whatever it is that will benefit you in the moment.

In the stillness, there is clarity. At times there may be ripples, yet, clarity always returns. xoxo

May 16 2016:

Nature had amazing and beautiful gifts this morning. How did she know I was in need of such beauty and gifts? She knows. She always knows. xoxo

 

Friday, May 20, 2016: Today’s Walk With Me theme was: Let those emotions and feelings blow right on through you; rather than letting them settle within and make themselves at home. Let them stay just long enough to connect with, be curious with, and physically feel. After this, they will leave on their own … If it helps, go stand in the wind!

December 2020 Update: These are from a time I was processing deep healing. Nature was a constant source of comfort, helping me to view events in the most helpful light. My views have changed a bit regarding emotions and feelings. I feel it is imperative that we allow ourselves to physically feel emotions and feelings, so that when they do “blow right through”, we have processed what needed to be processed. If not, these emotions will keep reappearing.

Blessings,
Camilla
See It. Share It. BE IT … Spread Love Everywhere You Go!

“Words of Alchemy”, published December 2019, is a free-verse poetry memoir covering the last 6 years of my life. The poetry of nature, the poetry of healing, the poetry of appreciation, the poetry of love, in one beautiful book.

Amazing news! My 19 year old daughter, Lillian Darnell’s debut book, “Where Would You Fly and Other Magical Stories” was published January 2018. Learn more and order here

Wonderfully exciting news! My 15 year old son, Thomas Darnell‘s book, Biggest Little Photographer is published. Be inspired! Learn more and order here.

Throwback Post: You’re Doing it Wrong

**THROWBACK POST**

*Written sometime in mid to late 2017*


(from a June 2020 Walk – Taken by me)

The overriding theme of my childhood was that I was doing it wrong and not to trust myself. Therefore, I have struggled all my life with low self-esteem and incredibly low self-worth. Believing I am not worthy of having a beautiful and peaceful life, full of unconditional love is something I have always thought was not something I deserved.

I have spent the last 20 years learning to like and love my self, learning who I truly am, and for 2016 and 2017 walking into, connecting with, and releasing this darkness.

Indeed the children of our world and the future of our world strongly depends on not conforming children to the way it’s “supposed” to be done and always has been done. They come into this world (and we did too) knowing who we are, knowing the gift we brought with us, and trusting our self, our intuition. I feel each and every one of us came here to share Divine Love in our own unique way … to share loving kindness and compassion for one another, Nature, and animals.

August 2020 Update: This was originally written to add to another post that was published about the same time. It’s a letter written to my son, Thomas. Go here to read the original post and why I felt moved to add this additional note.

Dear Thoughts: I Want To Be Happy With Myself

I am in a much better place these days. I feel this is mainly due to the courage of walking into what I needed to do to heal myself. I still have days where I feel I’m doing things wrong, making wrong decisions, days full of guilt and shame. However, I’ve learned how to process and feel these emotions. They don’t ever truly go away. I’ve learned how to go to the core of the issue, let myself feel what needs to be felt, with the knowing that it is okay to trust myself.

(I recently changed the hosting company for this website, along with all other websites I manage. In the aftermath, my draft posts got deleted. Oh no! Fortunately, they were in the back up and could be reinstalled. However, the original draft dates were deleted. I’m taking that as a sign that it’s time to do cleanup and housekeeping.)

Blessings,
Camilla

See It. Share It. BE IT … Spread Love Everywhere You Go!

“Words of Alchemy”, published December 2019, is a free-verse poetry memoir covering the last 6 years of my life. The poetry of nature, the poetry of healing, the poetry of appreciation, the poetry of love, in one beautiful book.

Amazing news! My 18 year old daughter, Lillian Darnell’s debut book, “Where Would You Fly and Other Magical Stories” was published January 2018. Learn more and order here

Wonderfully exciting news! My 14 year old son, Thomas Darnell‘s book, Biggest Little Photographer is published. Be inspired! Learn more and order here.

Throwback Post: No Plans and Connecting With Emotions

(I recently changed the hosting company for this website, along with all other websites I manage. In the aftermath, my draft posts got deleted. Oh no! Fortunately, they were in the back up and could be reinstalled. However, the original draft dates were deleted. I’m taking that as a sign that it’s time to do cleanup and housekeeping. Here’s a throwback to nearly four years ago!)


(Photo taken by me at Scripts Wildlife Preserve – Reno, Nevada, USA)

**THROWBACK POST**

June 2016: My words from this time last year (below) …. May the words inspire and encourage those whom it is meant for … xoxoxo

words from June 2015: “Team TLC has come to the end of a chapter in our adventures and we embark on a new chapter. This chapter will be a living-in-the-moment adventure, with intentions of it being FUN and memorable.

I don’t have plans, I don’t know where we’ll live after the summer with the Romano Duo, I don’t know exactly what will happen. I am not always okay with this, but mostly I am. I feel the desire to know exactly how things will happen and the worry that accompanies this are just fears.

In the past I’ve spent a great deal of time confronting and connecting with these and other fears and they no longer have power within me. I know these fears are not the true me and as long as I live from the heart with love as the foundation of all actions, I, and the rest of Team TLC, will be blessed and affluent.

I DO know where I want to live and have much clarity about the role I am to play in being of service. That is all I need to know for now. Connecting with emotions, specifically fear, has been one of the most empowering “non-actions” I have ever taken …. May you choose to connect with any emotion that holds you back.

I know everything will be okay and worry has no hold on me. That’s not to say that worry is no longer present in my life. I am now able to recognize worries, fears, anger, complaining, the desire to be right and have someone else be wrong, as simply the ego throwing a tantrum because I am stepping into my power.

The world is a beautiful love-filled place and none of us were meant to suffer. Our suffering is self imposed with the thoughts that we consciously and unconsciously choose to think. I have chosen to go deep, clear out all the crud and live at a deeper level. xoxo”

June 2016: Still so meaningful to me as we are about to embark on our longest road trip so far in Team TLC history, still not knowing with certainty how we will pay for it all, and when we get back, we’ll be deciding by the end of July on the course of a new adventure …

The need to know when, how, where, and what next; can at times, be the very block that keeps us from fully experiencing life and experiencing it as our true selves … minus the ideas and beliefs of others.

**May 2020: WOW! When I look back at the experiences I had, the way I handled them, I almost find it hard to believe that I wrote this, and that I experienced this! HA! I have moved away from the belief that we 100% cause our own suffering.

That’s pretty harsh, discounting the horrors that some have experienced. Yet, I think I needed to feel and believe this to get to the place where I am now, having more compassion for my own past experiences and those of my fellow humans. Here’s to learning, growing, not being afraid of being authentic, and making it known when you no longer hold certain beliefs.

Blessings,
Camilla
See It. Share It. BE IT … Spread Love Everywhere You Go!

“Words of Alchemy”, published December 2019, is a free-verse poetry memoir covering the last 6 years of my life. The poetry of nature, the poetry of healing, the poetry of appreciation, the poetry of love, in one beautiful book.

Amazing news! My 18 year old daughter, Lillian Darnell’s debut book, “Where Would You Fly and Other Magical Stories” was published January 2018. Learn more and order here

Wonderfully exciting news! My 14 year old son, Thomas Darnell‘s book, Biggest Little Photographer is published. Be inspired! Learn more and order here.

 

The Decision to Feel – Syllables of Swathi

I was recently a guest of Priya on the beautiful book blog, Syllables of Swathi. I shared my thoughts on the choice to allow myself to feel emotions and feelings.

The Decision to Feel

I had a decision to make. I could continue to be stuck in a place of self pity, of feeling like I’m not one of the chosen who gets to have a peaceful, abundant, and joyful life. By no means was this an easy decision to make. I struggled on and off for more than 20 years with a core belief that people like me do not get to have an easy, peaceful life.

A charmed and privileged life of knowing what one wants, how one wants to contribute to society, and for this to effortlessly flow into one’s experience. No, as much as I tried to affirm the opposite of that belief into my consciousness; I found the “people like me don’t get to have it that way” belief still lurked in the dark hidden crevices of my mind.

I’m not one of those who knew as a child what she liked to do and stuck to it. In fact, I have no memories of any interests or leanings during my childhood. In my mind’s eye all that I see or remember are like snapshot photos, like a polaroid instant photo. I don’t remember my childhood as if it were a movie with the scenes replaying in my mind. The things I do remember are frozen in time.

Having a gratitude practice has been the shining light during times when it seemed there was only darkness. Many times it appears as if I have nothing for which to be grateful. With practice, I have learned to dig a bit deeper than what seems to be happening.

On the days in which my mind is swirling with the heaviness of circumstances; I can bring my will power to the table, allow myself to feel the heaviness, and then move into that for which I have to be grateful. There can be a seemingly never ending stretch of time between moving from feeling the heaviness to a gratitude practice. Yet, it’s worth the wait for me to do it in this way.

I can look around me and find dozens of things for which to be grateful. The clothes I’m wearing, the furniture in the room, the laptop I use to pour out my heart, the food in the kitchen, indoor plumbing, toilet paper, a comfortable bed.

Then I can shift my gaze to the window. I am grateful for the window itself so that I may see and have nature within eyesight. Gratitude continues for the trees, and grass, the fresh air, the warmth of the sun, the shade of the clouds, and the delightful bird song.

This is just the beginning. I then close my eyes and bring to mind more images for which I am grateful. My two kids come to mind. I see each of their faces, their smiles, and my heart swells with love and overflows with gratitude. These two wonderful beings have brought deep lessons and incredible joy as they were the catalyst for my arriving at a different destination than I had imagined and shifting my entire view of this thing called life. You bet I’m grateful for these two.

When my daughter, Lillian Darnell, was 3 years old, she was diagnosed with a rare chromosome condition called 18p-; which affects 1 in 56,000 people. Was I grateful for this diagnosis at the time? Absolutely not. I cursed the harshness of it, I cursed life, I was angry and I felt betrayed. Do I feel the same way 15 years later, with an 18 year old Lillian? Absolutely not. …….. Well, let’s be honest. Yes, I do at times. That’s where feeling the emotions and then the gratitude practice shine their amazing light and lend a hand.

In the past I did, in fact, bypass allowing myself to feel the cruddy stuff that called for my attention. I went straight to the gratitude practice without first acknowledging and embracing the unloveliness that had risen to the surface. These days I only bypass when I can’t possibly focus on what needs to be released or I just don’t have the energy or will power. Otherwise, I dive into the abyss and hope I come up for air some time soon!

This gratitude practice and connecting with emotions works best for me when I pour my feelings and emotions into my digital journal. First, I get it all out. Feel what I need to feel as I’m writing, from numbness, to anger, hopelessness, and despair. While at the same time either sobbing or laughing at the ridiculousness of it. For me, this is a critical first step before even entering the gratitude practice. If I did not take this first step, I’d simply be stuffing the unlovely feelings to resurface later.

In all honesty, I forget many times to come back around to gratitude. I am in a hurry, I don’t have time to sit reminding myself of all for which I have to be grateful. By allowing myself to first feel what I need to feel, I can then experience a pivotal shift by acknowledging that for which I am grateful.

At 14 years old, Lillian’s younger brother, Thomas Darnell, has gone through a year or so of being in the throes of puberty and has his own set of challenges. This single parenting journey of raising two kids who each have challenges has been a wild ride. I turn to writing in my digital journal, following with the gratitude practice.

I am not meaning this to sound as if my challenges are any more important or deeper than another’s challenges. At this point I have come to realize each one of us has shadows and struggles. Some of us have perfected bypassing all this jazz, living life seemingly to the fullest. Some of us have perfected diving into it and living life to the fullest. And, some of us are patiently making our way through the diving in part and doing the darn best we can at living life to the fullest. We’re all in this together. Just in a different way.

Having a gratitude practice has been an integral part of this journey for me. I am blessed to remember to appreciate life’s delights, nature’s art and beauty, the kindness and compassion of others; balanced with diving deep into the unlovely feelings and emotions that rise to the surface, ready to be embraced, loved, felt and released.

Breathe in, Breathe out, Feel it …. One breath at a time.

Follow the link to see the post on Priya’s blog …

Guest: Camilla Downs on ‘The Decision to Feel’

 

Throwback Post: This is Life With All the Feels

(I recently changed the hosting company for this website, along with all other websites I manage. In the aftermath, my draft posts got deleted. Oh no! Fortunately, they were in the back up and could be reinstalled. However, the original draft dates were deleted. I’m taking that as a sign that it’s time to do cleanup and housekeeping. Here’s a throwback to almost a year ago!)

**THROWBACK POST**

May 9 2019:

This is life. This is feeling all the feels. For anyone else in the midst of feeling all the feels. Sending love ….

I’m exhausted. My body aches. My back aches. My shoulders ache. My neck aches. My hips ache. I’m sad and I’ve been sobbing on and off all day. I’m deeply tired.

And, I’d just really like someone else to take care of me and everything else for a week or two …

I know that this too shall pass … However, in the midst of this crud, is definitely an unlovely place to be. Here’s to feeling all the feels … May they move on through … And, so it is … (PS … This is definitely not how I look today … I took a photo but not brave enough to post it … HA!)

**Editing to add the morning after thoughts … Thank you so much everyone for your love, hugs, and beautiful comments … You are all a blessing … I am feeling much better this morning.

Having been reminded before falling asleep to embrace what I have been resisting. (Well, that and having a lovely dream in which a lovely person held my hand, held me, touched me gently in all the right places … and other steamy, beautiful things!!) If I’m not meant to have a romantic relationship in the flesh, I can certainly do it in my dreams!

I have a mind that ruminates at times about situations … over and over and over. I forget to breathe into these situations and live through them … They seem to pile on top of me like a stack of wooden blocks … the car needs a new radiator and windshield, money owed for dental work, Lillian’s graduation tassel, diploma, and announcements that need to be ordered, the life insurance bill that is due, vitamins and oils we are out of, this body of mine needs a massage and other body work, getting Lillian’s craniosacral therapy going again as the place that took her disabled medicaid no longer offers it, getting my book finished and ready by the 1st of July, Lillian’s issues, Thomas’ issues, and I truly just need a good, long, relaxing break as I haven’t had one in 13 years …… When all of these begin to swirl and need attention at the same time …. I lose my footing in the knowing.

Thanks to your lovely attention, embracing these things rather than resisting them; and breathing into where I’m at; I feel much much better this morning and have regained my footing. Much love to all of YOU!! 💜💜💜

May 10 2019:

To follow the post I made last night …. After delicious Sumatra coffee and breakfast this morning, I went for the first swim of the season in our community pool.

I am Pisces and I’m pretty sure partially mermaid (as well as partial gypsy) so being in the water is pure heaven for me. It washes things away, it resets and recharges me, it soothes me and energizes me. Then I soaked this aching body in the hot tub for a bit, letting the jets massage my back. I floated back home and had a lovely shower. Ahhhhh … it was perfectly perfect!

Spent most of the day creating a new website that I am incredibly excited to launch! Here’s a wee hint … It has to do with books and authors. Can’t wait to share!

After dinner, I visited Mittens & Jack (two cats I care for when their human is gone) and then enjoyed a peaceful walk around the little lake.

Plus, if you read the post yesterday, I mentioned trying to get craniosacral visits going again for Lillian. I received a text from Lillian’s previous CS therapist that Lillian can come for once a month, 30 minute visits for gratis. I am so relieved as craniosacral therapy was deeply beneficial for Lillian. And a friend is going to gift us the oils we’re out of at the moment. Thank you friends and the powers that be! Hallelujah!

**Update – May 2, 2020: I remember this with love and compassion in my heart for the experiences I moved through, sat with, and let shape and empower the me of 2020. What a beautiful thing to let ourselves experience the shit of life, without trying to sweep it under the rug. For if we do that, things are sure to get messy and stinky for some time to come. Best to sit with it, clean it up, and be on the other side of it. Here’s to living life, with all the feels. xoxo

Blessings,
Camilla
See It. Share It. BE IT … Spread Love Everywhere You Go!

“Words of Alchemy” has arrived, December 2019! A free-verse poetry memoir covering the last 6 years of my life. The poetry of nature, the poetry of healing, the poetry of appreciation, the poetry of love, in one beautiful book.

Amazing news! My 18 year old daughter, Lillian Darnell’s debut book, “Where Would You Fly and Other Magical Stories” was published January 2018. Learn more and order here

Wonderfully exciting news! My 14 year old son, Thomas Darnell‘s book, Biggest Little Photographer is published. Be inspired! Learn more and order here.

Breathe In and Breathe Out and Feel It

I had a decision to make. I could continue to be stuck in a place of self pity, of feeling like I’m not one of the chosen who gets to have a peaceful, abundant, and joyful life. By no means was this an easy decision to make. I struggled on and off for more than 20 years with a core belief that people like me do not get to have an easy, peaceful life.

A charmed and privileged life of knowing what one wants, how one wants to contribute to society, and for this to effortlessly flow into one’s experience. No, as much as I tried to affirm the opposite of that belief into my consciousness; I found the “people like me don’t get to have it that way” belief still lurked in the dark hidden crevices of my mind.

I’m not one of those who knew as a child what she liked to do and stuck to it, no matter what. In fact, I have no memories of any interests or leanings during my childhood. In my mind’s eye all that I see or remember are like snapshot photos, like a polaroid instant photo. I don’t remember my childhood as if it were a movie with the scenes replaying in my mind. The things I do remember are frozen in time.

Having a gratitude practice has been the shining light during times when it seemed there was only darkness. Many times it appears as if I have nothing for which to be grateful. With practice, I have learned to dig a bit deeper than what seems to be happening.

On the days in which my mind is swirling with the heaviness of circumstances; I can bring my will power to the table, allow myself to feel the heaviness, and then move into that for which I have to be grateful. There can be a seemingly never ending stretch of time between moving from feeling the heaviness to a gratitude practice. Yet, it’s worth the wait for me to do it in this way.

I can look around me and find dozens of things for which to be grateful. The clothes I’m wearing, the furniture in the room, the laptop I use to pour out my heart, the food in the kitchen, indoor plumbing, toilet paper, a comfortable bed.

Then I can shift my gaze to the window. I am grateful for the window itself so that I may see and have nature within eyesight. Gratitude continues for the trees, and grass, the fresh air, the warmth of the sun, the shade of the clouds, and the delightful bird song.

This is just the beginning. I then close my eyes and bring to mind more images for which I am grateful. My two kids come to mind. I see each of their faces, their smiles, and my heart swells with love and overflows with gratitude. These two wonderful beings have brought deep lessons and incredible joy as they were the catalyst for my arriving at a different destination than I had imagined and shifting my entire view of this thing called life. You bet I’m grateful for these two.

When my daughter, Lillian Darnell, was 3 years old, she was diagnosed with a rare chromosome condition called 18p-; which affects 1 in 56,000 people. Was I grateful for this diagnosis at the time? Absolutely not. I cursed the harshness of it, I cursed life, I was angry and I felt betrayed. Do I feel the same way 14 years later, with a 17 year old Lillian? Absolutely not. …….. Well, let’s be honest. Yes, I do at times. That’s where feeling the emotions and then the gratitude practice shine their amazing light and lend a hand.

In the past I did, in fact, bypass allowing myself to feel the cruddy stuff that called for my attention. I went straight to the gratitude practice without first acknowledging and embracing the unloveliness that had risen to the surface. These days I only bypass when I can’t possibly focus on what needs to be released or I just don’t have the energy or will power. Otherwise, I dive into the abyss and hope I come up for air some time soon!

This gratitude practice and connecting with emotions works best for me when I pour my feelings and emotions into my digital journal. First, I get it all out. Feel what I need to feel as I’m writing, from numbness, to anger, hopelessness, and despair. While at the same time either sobbing or laughing at the ridiculousness of it. For me, this is a critical first step before even entering the gratitude practice. If I did not take this first step, I’d simply be stuffing the unlovely feelings to resurface later.

In all honesty, I forget many times to come back around to gratitude. I am in a hurry, I don’t have time to sit reminding myself of all for which I have to be grateful. By allowing myself to first feel what I need to feel, I can then experience a pivotal shift by acknowledging that for which I am grateful.

At 13 years old, Lillian’s younger brother, Thomas Darnell, is in the throes of puberty and has his own set of challenges. This single parenting journey of raising two kids who each have challenges has been a wild ride. I turn to writing in my digital journal and following with the gratitude practice.

I am not meaning this to sound as if my challenges are any more important or deeper than another’s challenges. At this point I have come to realize each one of us has shadows and struggles. Some of us have perfected bypassing all this jazz, living life seemingly to the fullest. Some of us have perfected diving into it and living life to the fullest. And, some of us are patiently making our way through the diving in part and doing the darn best we can at living life to the fullest. We’re all in this together. Just in a different way.

Having a gratitude practice has been an integral part of this journey for me. I am blessed to remember to appreciate life’s delights, nature’s art and beauty, the kindness and compassion of others; balanced with diving deep into the unlovely feelings and emotions that rise to the surface, ready to be embraced, loved, felt and released.

Breathe in, Breathe out, Feel it …. One breath at a time.

Blessings,
Camilla
See It. Share It. BE IT … Spread Love Everywhere You Go!

Are you an author who would like to be interviewed or a book lover who wants to discover new and interesting books? Head over to Meeting the Authors … I think you will love it!

Coming Soon!! “Words of Alchemy” is the latest book coming to life! Cover is currently being created and we are shooting for July 2019 for release date!

Amazing news! My 17 year old daughter, Lillian Darnell’s debut book, “Where Would You Fly and Other Magical Stories” was published January 2018. Learn more and order here.

Wonderfully exciting news! My 13 year old son, Thomas Darnell‘s book, Biggest Little Photographer is published. Be inspired! Learn more and order here.

Go here to see latest soul writings. xoxo