April is National Poetry Month. I’m going to attempt to write one poem every day this month. Today’s poem: 14/30 – April 14th.

The Beginning of the End

There’s a barely visible view
The murky fog nearly obscures everything
There’s a deep window ledge with pottery pieces
Made by my daughter in her preschool class
Her name and the date are written on the back
With a blue sharpie marker
The translucent strawberry curtains are draped to the side

The mood, this setting
Transported me back in time
An eventful night in Spring 2006

I couldn’t sleep
My stomach was bothering me
It felt like something was wrong
The air, the energy was unsettled
The weird feeling lodged in my gut

My stomach gurgling with discomfort
I made my way to the bathroom
As I sat on the toilet
I couldn’t shake this unsettled feeling

That’s when I saw his phone on the edge of the counter
I debated with myself whether or not to pick it up
Whether or not to infringe upon another person’s privacy
The weird feeling that something was not right
Overtook the debate happening in my mind

I opened to the call history
My gut discomfort suddenly worsened

I found hours long calls on his phone,
Dozens per day
Calls with another woman
I began to panic, to sob, my body became numb

I wondered what I had done wrong
What I had done wrong
Had done wrong
Wrong

I was awake the rest of the night
Analyzing the previous days and months

The next morning I asked him about her
He blew me off, telling me I was being paranoid
I was being a crazy woman
Being a crazy woman
Crazy woman

I thought
I
HAD
DONE
SOMETHING
WRONG

That whatever was happening
It was my fault
What had I done wrong
To make this happen?

That was the beginning
Of
The End.

This scene initiated the months of turmoil
The emotional hell
Of trying to figure out why another person
Has done what they did
Has said what they said
Is the way they are

That was the beginning of understanding
I could not let society
The leanings of the community I had aligned with
To dictate what was right or wrong for me

That was the beginning of showing myself grace
The beginnings of understanding
That I had done nothing wrong

That was the beginning
Of the fog lifting
Of clarity
Of knowing

There’s an expansive view
The sun shines with its rays reaching far into the room
Brightening the walls, the corners
Catching and reflecting through the crystals suspended from the top of the window,
Decorating the walls, the ceiling, the floor with rainbow prisms
I can see the Virginia Foothills and Mt Rose
There’s a deep ledge with a cat perch attached to it
There are no curtains

I can see clearly now

Camilla Downs, 2024

**I mixed two ideas. This one – Prompt: Write a poem using this photo as a jumping off point. The other idea from the poetry workshop attending this afternoon. I’ve attached the original prompt photo (second) and one of my own window photos.