February 14 2025
Monday Night Poetry. These people, this space. I don’t know what I would do if I didn’t have y’all in my life. People have no fucking idea what is happening in the lives of those around them. Empathy wrapped in non-judgment is a lost, elusive emotion in our world. However, you will find it in places like this. Find a space like this in your community. It is vital, life saving even.
me walking away after burning down the patriarchy
i’m not trying to be humble
it’s frightening how made-up our masks can be
give away our identity
dissolve into a system
not of our creation
not knowing who we are
quietly crumbling
voiceless
nameless
unseeable
the self-esteem
succumbs quickly
effortlessly in children
authenticity we are born with
replaced with layers of masks
gifted to us by family
by society
by media
by teachers
by parents
by friends
by lovers
by enemies
we receive these masks
attaching them to our essence
the weight of the masks from others
smothering the light
shining from our eyes
shining from our smiles
the neighbors yard
lush green grass
tidy flower beds
with no weeds
our yards
dead grass
dandelions decorating
the dry cracked earth
weeds have taken over
mistaken for something else
through the gaze of another
bodies that tell a fictional story
privileged messages surround
messages of their idea of beauty
messages of their idea of love
messages of their idea of relationships
messages rooted in isms and phobias
messages destroying the
childlike wonder
the childhood innocence of
knowing and seeing the bright beauty of the dandelion
the place
the space
we occupy
becoming one with the dandelion
standing alone at first
later being joined by
supportive
empathetic humans
connecting the dots
of our past experiences
as the foundation
for convergence with
our current experiences
the golden years dawn
one by one
shedding the masks
created by others
the self-esteem
resurrected
voiced
named
strong
determined
seen
deconstructing the binary
blowing that shit up
breaking apart the othering
assumptions made
that ain’t got shit to do with this
spread the word
tell everybody y’all
it’s the season of “so what”
it’s the season of rejecting humbleness
it’s the season of unmasking
happy halloween ya’ll!
-camilla Downs, 2024
Theme: What kind of monster would you be
Also inspired by Toni Morrison’s The Bluest Eye
Neurospicy Frame of Mind
Prompt: Paint of picture of your mind
Spring 2024 Eclipse by Camilla Paige
Lost in confusion
High on joy
Laser focused on topics
Attaching to a problem until the solution is reached
My mind my emotional torturer
- my emotional rescuer
My mind my personal bully
- my personal protector
My mind my bright creator
- my dull detractor
Hard to let things go
My mind a ferris wheel
With malfunctioning controls, unable to stop
Round and round the thoughts go
With each rotation
digging deeper into the soft grooves of my brain
As a scrub jay caches seeds and acorns
Stashing little piles throughout their territory
My mind collects details
Items most people don’t notice
My brain operating unconsciously
Stashing the details into
Tiny, color coordinated file folders
Within tiny, color coordinated filing cabinets
With tiny, color coordinated keys to lock them away
I, oblivious until the details have escaped my lips
A miniature Sherlock Holmes
The size of a microscopic mite
Lives in the folds of my brain
With a minuscule magnifying glass
Wearing a small deerstalker cap
Smoking a teensy cherrywood pipe
Collecting clues
Discovering details
Seemingly useless information
I think maybe some of it is
Springing to my consciousness exactly when I need it
The miniature Sherlock Holmes
Living in the folds of my brain
Works her magic as fast as light travels
Then there’s the slow, peaceful section of my mind
A miniature panda bear mesmerized by the simplest things
Clouds in the sky
Water dancing along the window
Snow flakes falling
Easily distracted
Wonder what that is
How does this work
What’s that noise
Let’s research this
My mind is happiest, is sharpest
When everything goes as planned
When I prepare in advance
Know the route
Know the process
Know the time commitment
I’m in the zone
Fully immersed in a feeling of energized focus
Full involvement and enjoyment in the process
My mind falls apart if things don’t go as planned
If someone doesn’t know the process
If things don’t go as I thought they would
My mind becomes chaotic, hard to focus
My face warm with anxiety
The anxiety creeping throughout my body
A thick fog settles along the bumps of my brain
When I need to remember
My mind repeats it over and over
I’m in the grocery store
Yogurt
Bread
Cheese
My mind repeats these three
Yogurt
Bread
Cheese
I’m driving home
Yogurt
Bread
Cheese
Unintentionally continuing to repeat these three
Consciously telling myself, you can release those now
It’s pretty wild stuff
My mind likes to categorize
I thrive when everything is in its place
My mind likes order
Everything facing the same way
The towels lined perfectly
The blinds even
The windows open to the same level
My mind likes piles
Piles of paperwork - to do
Piles of paperwork - to file
Piles of paperwork - to review
Piles of paperwork - to shred
This poem repeats content
My mind repeats content
This poem is out of order
My mind is out of order
This poem is a work in progress
I am a work in progress
Welcome to my mind
Where ADHD, OCD, and Anxiety live
Where feral Gen X memories live
Where healed trauma lives
Where my pisces spirit lives
You may need a nap now, or a drink
I know
I get it
Colorful, creative mind -
You are a rainbow spectrum
of countless amazing aspects
I love you!
©CamillaDowns, 2024
This prompt is from my local Monday Night Poetry group. You can find me there every Monday, listening and sharing spoken word poetry.
You can find me on Medium here:
dandelion days
Prompt: Where is your paradise?
Photo by Camilla at Script’s Wildlife Preserve
Paradise is
a shapeshifter
transforming to my current mood
the phase of life I have arrived to explore
Paradise is
going for walks
when in nature amongst the trees
listening to the sounds of nature
being mesmerized by the clouds
making dandelion wishes
feeling the breeze brush against my skin
Paradise is
walking shoeless in the grass
treading barefoot in the sand
watching the water lap the shoreline
listening to the sound of the waves, the seagulls
letting Lake Tahoe swallow me into her comforting crisp embrace
Paradise is
arriving at the finish line of the battles I have won
relaxing into the satisfaction of the struggles I overcame
Paradise is
adoring and appreciating people
listening to music
soaking in every note and lyric of live music
dancing, moving my body to the beat
Paradise is
found in poetry,
reading the powerful words
listening to the spoken word
writing what lives in my mind and heart
sharing and speaking it with like-minded friends
Paradise is
reading books
educating myself
being transported to different times, other worlds
Paradise is
expressing my feelings
living out loud and proud
speaking my mind with no filter
laughing, being my silly, weird, chaotic self
Paradise is
connecting, vibing with kindred spirits
sharing deep, thoughtful conversations with new and old friends
Paradise is
learning and discovering
all of the ways in which my power was chipped away by others
Paradise is
reclaiming my power
solidified by a foundation birthed by the wisdom of my years
Paradise is
at the intersection of my joy
the goddess within me
and my will to continue learning about myself
Paradise is
the ecstasy of treating myself
to that which brings me joy
having dates with myself
appreciating my body, my femininity
noticing and loving my beauty
rather than criticizing myself
Paradise is
when I allow myself to know
that I am a wonderland
that I have a mystical ability
to be euphoric from the inside out
feeling a sense of my own aliveness
I carry paradise within me
for how do I know paradise
without having traveled through hell
to arrive here
This
This right here
This is Paradise
©Camilla Downs, July 2024
Spoken Version:
Sword of Unquietness
Prompt: Broken Silence
Camilla – June 2024
Trigger Warning: Rape
Silence
Noiseless
The absence of sound
Censorship of oneself
As multifaceted as the eyes of a dragonfly
Silence offers welcome respite from the noise of life
Silence is used against someone as punishment
Silence allows space to focus, space to be mindful
Silence is used as a form of protection
Silence welcomes relief to a noisy, chaotic mind
At a young age I learned that silence discouraged attention
I learned to censor myself
My brain became the staging ground
Where it was decided which thoughts to release
Which thoughts not allowed to escape
Staying silent meant safety
When I disagreed
When invisibility was required
Silence was my shield
My knight in shining armor
Protecting me from the judgment of others
Safeguarding me from unwanted attention
This shield was my instinctive response
When as a teenager I naively got into a dangerous situation
Alone in a car with a stranger
I innocently believed this person
when asked if I wanted to ride along for an errand
As the car entered a wooded area
I felt sick with anxiety
My body became numb
My face flush with mounting panic
Looking around to see if I could spot someone
Would anyone hear me if I screamed for help?
Would I be lost in the woods if I jumped out and ran?
I thought I was going to die that night
I guess I was lucky because he didn’t kill me
Instead, he raped me
I feared for my life
I thought if I fought back, if I screamed
I would die
The knight in shining armor
My shield of silence came to my aid
My shield brought reinforcements
Another skill I learned as a child
I disassociated from what was happening
As he lowered the passenger seat
As he pulled my pants down
As he got on top of me
My body was there
My mind, heart, and soul were not
A similar scenario came into my life
Two additional times in my late teens
I never told anyone
I stayed silent
What would people think about me if I told them
I had been raped
Once
Twice
Three times
I buried that shit deep, telling no one
Until my silence was broken in the year 2017
The 2006 “me too” movement dominated news cycles
Flooded social media
Using all my strength, I moved forward
The silence of my decade long spiritual journey
Empowered me to break a different type of silence
I was motivated, uplifted, and inspired by other brave humans
This is the moment I broke my silence
Sharing on my blog and social media
No longer will I remain silent
About this or any topic I am moved to speak about
My knight in shining armor
My shield of silence
Now replaced with a sword of unquietness
For there is power in the many voices
Who decide to stay silent no longer
For those of us who stayed silent
For fear of what they would think about us
Fear of being told it was our fault
Fear of not being believed
Fear of attention being drawn
To those who shrink and wither under the weight of this attention
No longer staying silent
When voices need to be heard
By those who have built walls of ignorance
Turned deaf ears to traumatic events
Discounting fellow humans they have deemed less than
You will hear our collective unquietness
I’m not going back
The silence is broken
Never to be quieted again
©Camilla Downs, 2024
The Banned Heart
Prompt: If you could buy a new heart, what kind would you buy?
Image captured by Camilla Downs
If I could buy a new heart
I’d return to my childhood
I’d buy a heart
that was not emotionally neglected
as a child and a teen
I’d buy a heart that knew she was enough
A heart that understood she was unconditionally loved
by the adults around her
I’d buy a heart that knew in her coming-of-age years
that she could love and be attracted to whoever she was attracted to
No matter what body parts they have or don’t have
No matter what their skin color or nationality
a heart that knew and understood that love, that sexuality, is a spectrum
with the knowing that this is a beautiful aspect of being human
I’d buy a heart that wasn’t raised
in an environment of living life a certain way
just because that’s the way it has always been lived
I’d buy a heart that knew she could burn all that shit down
A heart that understood she didn’t have to mask
She didn’t have to hide her true self
She didn’t have to be less than for the comfort of others
I’d buy a heart of mirrored glass
That reflected the divine love
that is inherently ours
A mirrored heart
That let others know they are loved
They are worthy
They belong
They are free to be themselves
I’d buy a heart that now knows
Why some amongst us want to ban books
Books that enlighten us
That help us to be our true selves
Books that show us we aren’t wrong for not conforming
Books that help us to know we aren’t flawed
for the way we feel or don’t feel
I’d buy a heart that knew she was worthy
of respect and love
a heart that knew she deserves
Exactly what and who she wanted
I’d buy a heart that understood she
Did not have to settle
A heart that knew she did not
Have to help others reach their potential
While draining her energy
I’d buy a heart that claimed her uniqueness
Her beauty, her authenticity, from a young age
Sprinkling that shit wherever she went
For it to marinate with the fertilizer shed
by the broken hearted, the emotionally abused
blossoming into unconditional love, and worthiness
to be claimed as they free their burdened hearts
I’d buy a heart that
Is the portal to freedom
I’d buy the heart that has taken me decades to cultivate
the heart that has repeatedly been through hell and back,
the heart that is tenacious, loving, empathetic, fierce
the heart that beats quicker and quicker
within my chest as I write these words
That heart
That’s the heart I’d buy.
©Camilla Downs, 2024
This poem was shared on Medium in August 2024. There will be a delay in posting poetry on my blog as paid Medium subscribers get first reads. You can connect with me on Medium here. There is a free version.
Whispers of a Wild Summer Trip
Camilla at a Scenic Overlook Near Lake Mead – taken by Thomas – July 2016
(Written to be read as Spoken Word poetry)
This was a case of
Don’t think, just do it
I thought about it just enough to know
That this would be an opportunity
To walk into my fire
Let me tell you
I wildly walked into that fucking fire
And came out the other side
Thinking, girl you are unhinged!
I didn’t know what I was in for when
Me and my two kids, Thomas and Lillian
Began attending the yearly
Chromosome 18 Family conference in 2009
I didn’t grasp
the significance of
attending our first conference
I didn’t know the weight
held within taking that first step
That it would have such a
profoundly positive effect on us
I didn’t know
That this event
These strangers
Our connection
Would soak deeply
Into our hearts
Our souls
Becoming a part of us
Sprouting into life-long friendships
I didn’t know that
It would become so important to us
That I would do whatever it took
To get us there
Then came the 2016 conference
San Antonio, Texas that year
Every year we held a family fundraiser
Creating artwork to sell
Raising money to pay for the airfare,
hotel, and registration fee
2016 was a financially hard year
Not enough money that summer
I was deeply worn out
Feeling the exhaustion
From years of unease
Worrying about how to pay for food
Pay the rent
Pay for gas
Pay for necessities
Combined with advocating for Lillian
The piles of paperwork
The never ending phone calls
But I knew that I must
Get us to that conference
So with very little thought
I decided I would drive us
I would drive us from Reno, Nevada
To San Antonio, Texas
I would drive us 1,722 miles
25 hours with 1 adult
1 special needs 14-year-old
And a full of energy, talkative,
17 questions a minute, 10-year-old
In a 15-year-old car
With a tendency to overheat
A 15-year-old car
That burned through oil
As quickly as I burned through
joints in my teen years
Sure
No worries
Right?
What could go wrong?
One Camilla meltdown later
A very late start
Spending an hour in a gas station bathroom
with Lillian vomiting due to car sickness
No cell service for 8 hours
Hundreds of thoughts of getting
Stranded on the side of the road, and worse
During those 8 hours
The car overheating many times
Not using the air conditioner in 90–100 degree weather
So the car would cool down
My body so intensely hot
I began to fantasize about taking ice baths
The glue holding the driver’s side mirror in place?
Oh, that shit melted due to the intense heat
Holding the mirror with my left hand
While driving the last 45 minutes
Finally arriving in San Antonio
Three days after leaving Reno
Ready to drop from tiredness and relief
Then four days of joy
Enjoying the conference
Time to get back to Reno
Luggage in the car
Team TLC in the car
Borrow duct tape from the hotel
Tape driver’s side mirror
And we were off
{Lunch left sitting in the lobby — Shit}
{Adding a 30 minute detour to get new lunch}
Three long days later
Rolling into Reno after midnight
My body fueled only by my tenacity
Every single muscle of my body aching
I finally landed in bed with relief
Pleased with myself that I did it
I got us to the conference
Damn, I did it
I drove my little family 3,444 miles
To do something that
Is important to all of us
I conquered that damn road
I became a (S)hero in that moment
The pride for having achieved this wild trip was not alone
It brought with it a strong, informed voice
Whispering ….
That was wild
That was a little bit crazy
That was a little bit, maybe, not the smartest thing you’ve ever done
And there is no way in hell
No way in hell
I will ever do that again.
Not
Ever
Again.
©Camilla Downs, 2024
Selfie of Thomas Lillian Camilla at a rest stop July 2016
Written using a combination of three different prompts. At times, I like to combine prompts.
“Don’t think, just speak” was our Monday Night Poetry prompt.
A prompt from my poetry friend, Elise. “I didn’t know what I was in for when …”
Wild Writers Club August Theme of Wild Summer — Found here:
This poem was shared on Medium in August 2024. There will be a delay in posting poetry on my blog as paid Medium subscribers get first reads. You can connect with me on Medium here. There is a free version.
October 6 2024
An oldie I don’t think I shared. 🖤
Goodbye
I’m leaving
I’ve done all I can
The disappointment that keeps getting delivered
Fractures my heart into a trillion pieces
My nervous system simply
Cannot take the rise and fall,
The dopamine hits
Of the delicious intense encounters
And the heart breaking let down
Of disappointment
Farewell
I’m headed to the craft store
To buy glue, steel, and comfort
I’ll glue the pieces of my heart
Back together,
Melting the steel
Into the crevices
Smooshing in words of comfort, strength,
and resilience
More glue,
More melted steel
More words
So long
I’ll calm the elephants stampeding
Across my heart
I’ll take the love that has hit a dead end
The love that has no where to go
I’ll feed it to the elephants
Pouring the love into them,
Onto them, over them
Until they slowly calm
Inhaling the love with their snouts
Wrapping me in their herd
Taking me into their trust
Showering me with that same love
Showering me, rocking me with their love
Until my heart has healed
Reviving my ability to love
Showering until my light returns
Until the joy returns
They disperse
I disperse
Having a fortified heart
Feeling calm, peaceful
Dare I say
Ready to do it
All over again
That is, of course,
After this process has
Repeated from
Five to five hundred and fifty five times
Goodbye
Farewell
So long
Camilla Downs 2024
August 30 2024
Monday Night Poetry – prompt: “Paint a picture of your mind”
Such a good one! Thanks Caleb!
Love my poetry people! 🖤🖤🖤
June 22 2024
Hot and Salty
The taste of satisfaction
Is one of my favorite flavors
Whirling into my nostrils
Dancing between my lips
Sliding through the spaces
Between my teeth
Gliding over my tongue
Lighting up my taste buds
The taste of satisfaction
Sweet and savory
Satisfaction an eagle coursing
Through my veins
Satisfaction a honeysuckle bloom
Freed from its vine
The scent escaping from my skin
Satisfaction the flavor
Released when the results
Of past decisions
Grow to bear
Desired fruits
Satisfaction the flavor
Released when life
Blooms sweet memories
From past darkness, harshness
Satisfaction the flavor
Released when words
Flow, come together
Linking the puzzle pieces of language
to sync with readers or listeners
The taste of satisfaction
the flavor released from the love language
I give to myself
By having the courage
To be vulnerable
The courage to say yes
The courage to say no
The courage to get up
And do the things
Grabbing ahold of life
Speaking, Dancing, Laughing
The courage to wake up
And heal, releasing my mind
Loving myself
Giving myself stability
The taste of satisfaction
A little bit hot
A little bit salty
Is one of my favorite flavors
June 17 2024
Prompt: Turn your favorite flavor into a paragraph