Tag Archives: monday night poetry

Monday Night Poetry – Unquietness

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March 9 2024

We had a guest last Monday Night Poetry. Ashley Vargas, Ms. AyeVee, from Vegas. She and her poetry are fire! ❤️‍🔥❤️‍🔥❤️‍🔥 It was such a fabulous night.

Unquietness

Silence

The absence of sound
Censorship of oneself
Staying quiet

In searching for a quote about silence
I was reminded of the multifaceted nature of silence

Depending on the context,
Silence can offer welcome respite from the
Noise of life
Silence can be used against someone
As punishment
Silence can allow space to focus
And be mindful
Silence can be used as a
Form of protection
Silence can be welcome relief to one who has
Difficulty quieting the mind

Early in my life
I learned that silence
Was a way to reject attention

I learned to censor myself
My brain became the staging ground
For deciding which thoughts to release
And which thoughts weren’t allowed to leave

Staying silent meant safety
When I disagreed
When I had input on a topic
Silence was my knight in shining armor

I didn’t have to worry about others disagreeing with me
Disagreements brought forth an immediate learned response
Within me that I was wrong, that I was being stupid

I didn’t have to worry about others thinking
I was weird
Silence was the shield that protected me
From others thinking this about me

This shield was my instinctive response
When as a teenager I naively got myself into a bad situation
Of being alone in a car with someone I did not know
I thought we were going to someone’s house

As the car entered a wooded area, I begin to think
This was going to be the night I died
I guess I was lucky because he didn’t kill me
Instead, he raped me

I feared for my life
Thought if I fought back
If I screamed
I would die

So I used my shield of silence
Along with something else I learned as a child
I disassociated from what was happening

A similar scenario as this came into my life
Two additional times in my late teens

I never told anyone
I stayed silent
I mean, what would people think about me if I told them
I had been raped
Once
Twice
Three times

I buried that shit deep, telling no one.

Until my silence was broken
In the year 2017
With the sexual assault allegations against Harvey Weinstein
Thrusting the 2006 Me too movement into popularity

I was motivated, uplifted, and inspired by
Other brave humans
To break my silence

I shared on social media
That I was also part of this movement

I no longer remain silent
About this or any topic I am moved to speak about
I replaced my shield of silence with a shield
Of unquietness

For there is power in the many voices
Who decide to stay silent no longer

For those of us who stayed silent
For fear of what they would think about us
Fear of them saying it was our fault
Fear of not being believed
Fear of attention being drawn
To those who would shrink and wither
under the weight of this attention

I moved forward, using all my strength
The silence of my decade long spiritual journey
Empowered me to break a different type of silence in 2017

No longer being silent
When voices need to be heard
By those who have built walls of ignorance,
turned deaf ears,
To events, to fellow humans
They have deemed less than

The silence is broken
Never to be quieted again.
Camilla Downs

**Please note. I do not need comforting, nor sorrow about this. These events happened over 30 years ago. After doing my own internal work, and working with an EMDR therapist, it’s just something that happened. And I think we should talk and share about these things.

This is simply the poem that came forth to our prompt of, Broken Silence.**

This is simply the poem that came forth to our prompt of, Broken Silence. At the conclusion of Monday Night Poetry a much younger participant came up to me, thanking me, and telling me my poem meant very much to her. That’s reason enough to have shared this poem.**

Monday Night Poetry – Mermaids of the Sea – Camilla’s Birthday

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February 27 2024

My poetry friends sang me Happy Birthday last night, and treated me like a Queen. ❤️❤️❤️ Full house last night, with wonderful poetry shared.

Lillian wrote a poem for me; which I shared. It was a hit! (Lillian is my 22 year old special needs daughter) She totally understood the assignment. 😁

The mermaids of the sea bow down
To the queen of the oceans
Bravely dancing

In the seas of love and the heart of kindness
Dances the braveness of the mermaid
Of my heart of friendliness

Swimming into the dancing sea of stars
The mermaid dances to the song
Of life bravely and free
To the mermaids of sea
Lillian Darnell – 2024

I wrote a poem titled, “Me”. I’ll share that one in a separate post.

What is Poetry – Monday Night Poetry

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February 21 2024

Monday Night Poetry was an absolute blast! Everyone’s poetry was fire! 🔥🔥🔥 I shared two new poems. Here’s one:

What is poetry?

Poetry is the feel of the breeze
as it brushes against your skin,
through your hair

It’s the soft touch of another
as they hold your hand,
press their lips against yours

It’s the sounds of the birdsong,
the song of the crickets,
the purrs of a beloved cat

Poetry is the words of another
Felt in the depths of your soul

Poetry is
The words that move you
Words that take you by the hand and heart
Words that bring a smile or a laugh
Words that take your breath away
Words that enter your heart and
exit your body through the liquid love of your eyes

Poetry is the the language of the broken hearted
It’s the language of activism
It’s the language of nature, soaked into our souls,
mixed with our experiences,
and released from our body through words.

Poetry is art
Poetry is pain
Poetry is love
Poetry is a path to feeling and healing

Poetry is a golden thread of sunshine
That connects us, binds us
And let’s us know we’re not alone

Poetry is home
Poetry is fast
Poetry is slow
Poetry is a living thing
The heartbeat of the human race
Poetry is magic
Poetry is witchy

Poetry extracts the pain, the love,
the advocacy, the activism
From the mind, the heart, the mouth
Pouring and releasing it into the winds of time
To work it’s witchy magic
On all who read or hear it.

Poetry make my heart beat faster
Poetry makes my lower stomach tingle
Poetry makes everything else melt away
Poetry is the absolute fucking best!
Camilla Downs – 2024

The Path of the Heart – Monday Night Poetry

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February 14 2024

Another fantastic Monday Night Poetry. I 🖤 these beautiful, creative folks. 🥰🥰🥰

I shared an oldie from 2018.

The Path of the Heart

The path back home seems littered with suffering and struggle.

What is this insane ability to cause
one’s self such suffering?

Suffering by way of the thoughts
that dart
here and there,
at times penetrating the soul as if they
were a cold, jagged knife.

When one golden day the tides of change
bring the knowing that the path
is also littered with Love.

A Love shining remarkably bright and clear,
suffering seems almost
not to have happened.

The path of Love
The path of suffering
The path of struggles
The path of Joy
The path of Harmony
The path of irritation
The path of guilt
The path of Peace.

All the same path
The path that we each travel.
Made to seem different
by way of the
degree of suffering we endure.
Made to seem different until that glorious day
that we learn
to love ourselves
and
to love one another through everything that happens.

For the things that happen will still be;
yet, the perception
of each will shift
the more the one
loves one’s self through the things.

The path of Love.
The path we all shall arrive upon one sweet day.
Oh, glory be. We shall see.

November 17 2018

Give Me One Reason – Monday Night Poetry

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February 9 2024

Last Monday was exactly what I needed and I had a blast! Love these deep diving poetry folks!

The Space in My Heart

Give me one good reason
Why I should stay

When we’re together the words
You say to me
Bury themselves into the fertilizer
Of my heart
Watered with the tears that shed
When you ignore me
Sprouting, growing into the garden of you

Only to be crushed by the boot
Of your unreliability, dishonesty
Your empty, meaningless words
Supported by your inconsiderate nature

You come to me as an option
When you need replenished
When you’re lonely, sad, or confused

I am sustenance caught
In your web
Suspended, stuck
Waiting for you to come for me

I’m continually questioning my
Position in your life

I’m tempted by your tasty fruit
I know I should disconnect

My soul knows this

I want to understand you
I want to explain how I feel

But my soul knows I need someone
Who chooses me over and over again
Someone whose efforts reflect
I am wanted in their life
Someone who abundantly fills my cup

Give me one good reason
Why I should stay

Are we just telling ourselves stories?
We would do and say anything
To hang on to each other

Fiction filled stories
With pieces of truth
Patching the plot holes

Dancing to the tune of
Each others energy
Smiling in each other’s sunlight
Singing the joy bursting from our hearts
Drawn together like magnets

Is it fiction or truth?

Deep down I know the answer

Infusing myself with the strength
Of all the goddesses before me,
I close my eyes,
take a deep breath
And I
Walk away

February 2024

Inspired by Tracy Chapman’s “Give Me One Reason”

Hosted by @sidewayseightprojects and @mondaynightpoetrynv

The Alchemy of Writing – Monday Night Poetry

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January 13 2024

Monday Night Poetry celebrates 2 years of once a week gatherings! I’ve only been participating since May 2023 and am deeply grateful I decided to step out of my comfort zone last May. This is the absolute best group of folks!! ❤️🎉❤️

The Alchemy of Writing

Originally written in 2019, Modified January 2024

Writing = Poetry

Writing
a sanity saving bridge that has led to peace and solutions.
Single parenting two children,
losing nearly everything,
choosing to dig deep within,
led me on a journey for which I had no map.
Through writing
Creating the map as I travel this wild life journey.
Writing led to acceptance
Acceptance of myself
Acceptance of my role as sole parent
to two unique and beautiful children.
Writing brought solid steps to take
Writing has been a shining thread of grace that connected my heart and mind along this life journey.
And still is.
Writing that first poem in January 2013.
It felt wild having these words populate my mind
It was an indescribable feeling,
Being compelled to set these words free.
It was the beginning of the alchemy.
Alchemy which continues to this day.

When I write
the emotions I feel within cannot be contained.
They are as hot as lava and as sweet as honeysuckle,
from the tips of my toes to the top of my head.
I write while listening to music,
or while immersed in the sounds of family,
or in silence.
I touch my fingers to the keyboard
I close my eyes, take a deep breath, and type a few words.
Once the first few words appear on the screen,
something within takes over.
My heart begins to race with the excitement of anticipation.
I become lost in the flow of words.
My fingers and hands become warm,
the veins in my hands rising like miniature mountains.
The words begin to flow as fast and smooth
as water running from a faucet.
I type as quickly as my fingers and hands will allow.
At times, I notice I have forgotten to take a breath
for fear of missing the words that are streaming forth.
Writing is my witness,
my soul song.
Writing is my therapist,
my medicine,
my best friend,
My lover,
my parent,
and my advisor.
Writing alchemizes what I experience.
My laptop becomes the couch I rest upon;
while writing my experiences becomes the therapist.
Writing becomes an avenue to connect with
and release the avalanche of emotions
and experiences of life.
It is through writing that I find myself.
It is through writing that I allow myself to physically feel emotions.
It is through writing that I connect with the unlovely events of the past
It is through writing that past and present events
are alchemized and released.
This has been my journey to consciousness,
to living from my heart,
to peace.
At times, I skirted the healing that called to be addressed.
At others, I walked directly into the triggers,
with pain from the past that festered like a venomous poison
coursing through my cells and bones.
I walked into the pain with fear,
yet with love to embrace what part of me feared to let myself know
and physically feel.
It has been incredibly difficult at times,
yet deeply freeing.

Happy 2nd Birthday to this amazing, warm venue
Overflowing with talented writers
Each who create their own unique alchemy
Breathing life into their creations
With the power of writing.

January 2024

Pax to the Max – Birthday Party with Poetry Friends

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January 7 2024

What a fun afternoon celebrating my Monday Night poetry friend’s birthday! Happy birthday to you Pax! 🎉🎉🎉 Pax to the Max!!! Took some photos in front of the Pax Wall. 🤣🤣🤣 Got to dancing and didn’t take anymore. Oops!

Memory Lane – Monday Night Poetry

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November 18 2023

Monday Night Poetry – Such an amazing, beautiful, poetic group of folks. I love poetry nights!

I shared an oldie, but tweaked it a bit for my current mood.

Memory Lane

Why did the beautiful and fun memories hurt so badly
Why did her chest feel
heavy and her stomach in knots

The place where she and her children had spent seven years of their lives.

The place where her youngest spent their young life from one year old through eight years old.

Driving past the many sidewalks and the trail where she had taken walks alone, walks with
just her youngest, and walks
together as a family.

Driving past the home
her parents had lived,
the home she and her kids had lived, the second home her parents had lived.

Remembering neighbors she had chatted with. Remembering
the spread of holiday cheer.

Oh, the pain, the pain.
Why do such wonderful memories hurt her heart?

Why does she feel
a sense of loss
no longer living
in this neighborhood? No longer having
her parents live
in the same neighborhood.

Why does she feel
like nothing turned out as she had wanted?

Why does she feel like she has failed her children in
not providing them with the same kind of home that they loved so much
in their early childhood?

Why does she feel
like she has given up?

Why do the tears flow in mourning something that never really was?
She keeps reminding herself that nothing is permanent. The only thing that’s permanent is change Itself.

She reminds herself that home is truly where the heart is.
Yet, what if the heart is closed and calls bullshit on that.

What if she reminds herself that none of
it seems to have gone as she wanted it to go,
the way she dreamed
it would.

Seems as if she
has been but
a piece of sand
in a vast ocean
of life tossing
her here and there into this experience and that experience.

She thinks she should not return to this place if it is so painful …
but then she knows
she must keep returning until she has felt
all the pain there
is to feel, for in
feeling the pain and being with the pain
loving the pain
embracing the pain
is she assured
of the joy and beauty that awaits her
on the other side
of the pain.

She may not have
fully let herself
feel the pain at the time she and her children
had to leave their
home and neighborhood.

Brushed it under
the heart she did.

Believing she did not have to feel the pain. She knows she let herself feel some of the pain.
Yet, there is more there.

She makes a new commitment to continue to visit this neighborhood until she has let herself feel every single bit
of grief, guilt, and sadness there is to feel.

She will feel it, feel the
aches in her chest, feel
the knots in her stomach
feel and taste the salty tears as they stream down her face.

She reflects back on these times as some of the happiest of her
and her children’s lives.
So carefree and joyful.
Doing many things together
as a family, many adventures, every trip in the car an adventure.

It seems those times are no longer. Where have they gone? The kids are no longer kids. One a teenager and one a preteen. Change.
Change is the nature
of life. This season of autumn reminds us always that this
is how it flows. Change.

Why did she grip so tightly to that time in her life,
in her kids’ lives?
Why does she not want to let it go? Why does she remember it with longing?
Why does she feel lost in shifting to this
new normal for her and her kids?

Interests have shifted. What was fun and exciting is no longer.
How does she go with the flow, with the change, without clinging to the Past?

She does it one breath at a time.
One blink at at time.
One step at a time.
One gratitude thought at a time.
One fucking meltdown at a time.
One act of kindness at a time. One smile at a time.

With kindness and love directed to herself and her heart.
She does it by observing and not letting herself
get caught in the spiral
of emotions. Or spiraling with the emotions.

Be with them, feel them,
and let them release to reveal the new normal. As it will only
be the new normal for a short time.

That is the nature
of life.
For life will support
in whatever stage of life one finds one’s self.

Nature is the Gift that allows one to experience change and the cyclical nature of life.
Be still. Feel the emotions. Let them pass through
like the wind passes through the autumn leaves. And know.
This is life.

We are always on our way home.
November 2017
Camilla Downs

The Facets of Invisibility – Monday Night Poetry

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November 4 2023

Monday Night Poetry! I had missed an entire month. It was lovely to be amongst these beautiful folks once again. I shared a new poem and an oldie that was published in Elephant Journal in 2015.

The Facets of Invisibility

The I in neurospicy stands for invisibility

The other day I came across this quote,

“Invisibility didn’t keep me safe. It kept me lonely.” – Facilitate Joy’s instagram

At first I thought, Yes! That’s it! And then I thought, No! I like being alone!

Invisibility is control
It is staying in the safety of my home
Reaching out on my terms
Texting on my terms
Posting on social media on my terms
Answering the phone on my terms
Stepping out the door on my terms

Invisibility is not saying yes to invites because on the day of the event I may not have the spoons to be around others
It is waiting until the last minute to buy tickets because on the day of the event I may not have the spoons to be around others
It means buying the tickets, but staying home because on the day of the event I didn’t have the spoons to be around others

And then I came across this quote,

“Too much. Too fast. Too intense. The glass soul falls to the ground and shatters into a thousand words. The invisible boy becomes visible, and all of a sudden, his emotions blast neon.” – Author: David Levithan

Invisibility means safety
Being vulnerable only when I’m at my strongest,
mentally and emotionally
It means loneliness and longing
It means happiness and contentment
It means encouraging and loving myself
It means longing for a deep friendship or a partner
While intermittently being profoundly happy with my current status

Invisibility means being alone more than I’ve been partnered
It means having mind blowing conversations with my teen that are the same fucking conversations I have with myself

About relationships, understanding social cues, understanding why people do the things they do, why it’s so damn hard to make friends, build friendships, and make romantic connections

Invisibility, loneliness and contentment become my partners
We dance together to keep each other company
Invisibility is the times when I’ve been brave
Stepped out of the comfort zone of my home
Exposing my tender under belly
Losing the mental acuity I possess when working, writing, and advocating
I become naive, trusting what others say
Attracting absolutely the wrong people
Losing control, losing myself

And then I found this quote,

“I was invisible, and I was only just beginning to realise the extraordinary advantage my invisibility gave me. My head was already teeming with plans of all the wild and wonderful things I had now impunity to do.” – Author: H.G.Wells

The I in neurospicy stands for invisibility

Invisibility means control
It means retracting back into the safety of my home
Reaching out on my terms
Texting on my terms
Posting on social media on my terms
Stepping out the door on my terms
And beginning the process all over again.
2023 Camilla Downs

Oldie shared:

Anger is like a storm rising up from the bottom of your consciousness. When you feel it coming, turn your focus to your breath. ~Thich Nhat Hanh

Dear Meltdowns, Welcome and Meet My Friend Mindfulness

Sometimes I’m able to sense when you’re lurking in the shadows. Sometimes I’m not. And you sneak up like a cat stalking its prey.

You penetrate the peace of an otherwise tranquil day like an earthquake suddenly rocking and rolling in the middle of a quiet night’s sleep. You are the complete opposite of fun and joy.
You are loud, aggressive, physically harmful, and verbally malicious. You lack compassion, empathy, and kindness. You take all actions and words personally.

What I want you to know is that I welcome you. Not like I’d welcome my best friend coming over for coffee and chatting. I welcome you like one later appreciates a grumpy relative during the holidays knowing that being around this person can help us to learn more about our own triggers.
You are helping us to know what emotions and situations Lillian has resistance to fully experiencing. You are the red flag that goes up as a warning that THIS is where she feels vulnerable.

So, I welcome you. I meet you with love.

When I am in a peaceful, mindful state, going with the flow of life, I handle you just as easily as a leaf floating in the wind. I choose not to accept your meltdown hook.

When I’m resisting life, choosing grumpiness, and having an off day, I accept the hook you’ve thrown out and jump right in with both feet. These are the times I learn more about myself.
Either way, one thing I know for sure is that you are not the true Lillian. The true Lillian is there, and you are simply acting as a buffer so she doesn’t have to experience the rawness of life. It is my hope that as I meet you with kindness and compassion, you see that it’s okay to move aside.

Lillian can handle the unexpected, the discomfort of not getting her desires, and the “letting go” of learning to be flexible. It’s okay to release your grip.

I will continue to meet you with a calm voice and compassion as often as possible, until the day you realize it’s okay to become dormant, slip into an eternal sleep, and allow a miracle – the miracle of Lillian fully experiencing emotions and going with the flow of life.

Love,
Camilla (Mom to Lillian)

And the story behind this one (from my 2015 perspective).

Lillian has a rare genetic condition called 18p-. This means that she is missing the short arm of chromosome number 18 and it affects about 1 in 50,000. The main way this manifests for her is that she is speech impaired, and has balance and motor skill issues. Also, for the past year and a half she has struggled with experiencing anxiety and difficult emotions.

Situations that can cause Lillian to meltdown:

Events not unfolding as anticipated
Schedules being adjusted
Communication difficulties
Being reprimanded
Teasing from her sibling

In July 2015, Lillian had the worst explosive meltdown we’ve ever experienced. We made a quick stop at the grocery store to get a few items.

As I paid for our items, Lillian caught up with me, and once I was finished, I could sense her energy shift. Apparently, there was a miscommunication between us about looking at more gluten free desserts.

This quickly led to a volcanic explosion for Lillian. Fortunately, I was close to the exit doors, so I made my way out and headed to the car with Lillian melting down behind me. I quickly got into the car and invited Lillian to do the same if she was going with me. She was not open to doing any of the mindfulness techniques we’ve been learning.

I decided to start making our way home even though she had not calmed down – not the best choice in that moment. She was scratching, pinching, and pulling my hair from behind.

I pulled the car over, turned to Lillian and screamed some ridiculously outrageous comments. I quickly realized I must get out of the car. We needed space between us as I was bleeding and in a great deal of pain from the scratches and she was a big hot mess.

Once out, I closed my eyes, took a few deep breaths, and asked to see the situation differently. Upon opening my eyes, I saw, shining up at me from the rock and dirt filled ground, a beautiful red jewel heart. There was my answer, a reminder to always respond with love.

At this point, Lillian was ready to do a calming, mindful technique and I requested that she do it on her own. She got out of the car, chose to pick up a couple of rocks and studied them. After a few minutes we got back into the car and drove home.

We’ve not had anything of that magnitude happen since and I am hopeful this was simply “one step backward” before more steps forward. When this happens, one of us must be fully present and mindful or things can escalate.

Lillian has been seeing a psychotherapist since April 2015. We are working on cognitive behavioral therapy with mindfulness training. Additionally, I work with her on physically feeling the emotions within her body.

She has made great progress. It’s slow going, yet I feel we are closer to the ultimate goal.
The miracle of Lillian truly experiencing negative emotions and the rawness of life without the buffer of a meltdown.

At some time or another it’s possible we’ve all experienced our own version of a meltdown. Mindfulness is a miraculous practice to bring into one’s life. Once we become practitioners of mindfulness, more often than not, we are able to remain calm and peaceful when we or our children experience the rawness of life.

With mindfulness we are able to tune into our body and notice the beginning signs of a meltdown; clenched jaw, increased heart rate, tight shoulders or neck, stomach pain.
At this point we can say or think to ourselves, “There is anger inside of me.” This is the opposite of thinking or saying, “I am angry.” These two statements have completely different meanings and will take one down different paths.

Once we acknowledge there is anger (or any other uncomfortable emotion) within us, we can then put our focus on how this physically feels in the body. Is it tight, rolling, moving from place to place?

Let’s be real here. This is absolutely not fun and can be extremely uncomfortable. Yet, if we stick with this practice, it will become more of a habit and eventually the uncomfortable emotion will release.

Poetry: Burn it to the Ground – Monday Night Poetry

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September 9 2023

Monday Night Poetry – Thank you to my friends, Melinda and Fran, who surprised me with showing up!! It was so fun to see you two, and hang out together! The poetry shared by everyone was absolutely amazing! What a great night!

This is the first poem I’ve written with this tone, and with the specific intent of being spoken. I wanted to record myself performing it, but I just don’t feel like it. For those of you who have heard me speak, or had conversations with me, imagine this in my voice, with the emotion of a person who has had enough!

When I finished speaking this poem, I received the most applause I’ve received so far, with some commenting that I need to run for office. There just happened to be a campaign manager in the audience. Ha!

I’m not looking for advice. I’ve got everything figured out. This was written to help move through what I was feeling last Monday.

Trigger warning for mention of suicide, lots of cussing and if you work in the insurance industry, don’t take this personally (unless you are a higher up in the industry).

Burn it to the Ground

She said they had received the paperwork
It’s in review
There’s a 14 day turnaround
Unless it’s urgent
Urgent bumps it to a 24 hour turnaround

This had already been in limbo
For a month and a half I tell her

Approved visits were depleted
Authorization requested for more visits
Denied.
Something not submitted,
Or filled out properly.

Resubmitted.
Each time submitted
There’s that fucking 14 day turnaround

I ask her
What would elevate this to urgent?
I tell her this has to do with mental health,
The person has an official diagnosis of major depression
One can’t say to suicidal thoughts,
“Hey, hold up now we’ve got to wait 14 days
Before we’re approved more visits with the therapist.”
That’s not how it works.

I’m placed on hold while
She speaks to the authorization department.
You see, I’m not “allowed” to speak
To the authorization department.
Only providers/doctors can do that.

Which is complete bullshit
And depends on who happens
To take your call.

How do I know this?
Because I called two weeks ago
To inquire about the hold-up
And I eventually got transferred
To the AUTHORIZATION department.

She comes back on the line
Authorization department
Says the provider can call
And tell them that the matter is urgent
This will escalate to a 24 hour turnaround.

Okay. I let the provider know this.
Has it been done?
Who knows?

Insurance in this country
Is a fucking load of bullshit.
Meant to wear us down
Confuse us, overwhelm us

I just happen to be one of those
That won’t give up
You cannot wear me down
I have a tenacity fueled
By the hammer of the gods
I will fight for what my family needs.
Many people can’t do this,
or don’t have the energy
To deal with the system.

A system that fucks over the
Actual people who need health care
Lining the pockets of those
Who need their pockets stripped clean
To take a walk on the side of those
Of us their screwing over.

You would have thought I received
Good news when I received notice
That the promotion I got in July
For a few more hours, and few more dollars
Also resulted in me being eligible for insurance benefits.

Let me tell you
There’s something seriously wrong
When you have to sit through a THREE fucking hour
Orientation to learn about these benefits

They making it so fucking confusing
It would almost be easier just to opt out
Of the whole racket.

So now this few dollar raise
Has bumped me over the limit to
Receive the crappy ass medicaid we’ve
Had for the past 13 years
Now I’ve got to choose between 4 fucking plans
That eat away at the few dollars raise I received

All with different levels of my contribution
Co-insurance, deductibles,
It’s plenty enough to make an ADHD brain fucking explode.

So, yes, we need to burn it all to the ground
Start from scratch again.
Simple, easy

One shouldn’t have to have the tenacity
Of 20 people, a college degree
Or a non-chaotic mind to figure this shit out.

Fuck off insurance companies!

**Since writing and performing this poem, I received word that insurance DENIED more therapist visits. To say I was filled with intense rage is putting it lightly.

I will appeal but in the meantime, I will be paying out of pocket for visits that happened during this two month period. How can you look at a person who has an official diagnosis of Major Depression with suicidal thoughts and then DENY their fucking therapist visits?

I am seriously done with being kind. Those in the insurance industry who make the damn guidelines can pack it. May it always rain on them whenever they leave their home, may all their food taste like rotten lemons, and may they be forever constipated.