**THROWBACK POST**

I feel it’s vitally important to shine a spotlight on mental health and talk about it. There are people who are feeling so utterly alone and misunderstood. Especially in the neurodivergent community. Please look after them. Please. And, please feel free to add to this.

Stop

Will I outlive you
Will you outlive me
I hope that you outlive me
I fear that I will outlive you

Every day I send a text
How’s it going?
I keep checking for the receipt
Delivered
Read

I don’t even need a reply
I just need to see that it has been read
When an hour goes by
Two hours
Three hours
With no receipt at all
panic begins to take over
I send another message
Are you there?
Is everything okay?
Still
No receipts

The panic turning to dread turning to hysteria
My thoughts unaliving you
My heart in a vice
I’m about to drive to your place
I finally receive a text from you
I sob with relief

I ask
Did you write a poem today
They reply yes, they did

Stop
Stop
Stop
Stop
Stop
Stop
Stop

I cannot possibly know
I cannot possibly understand
The torturous thoughts that invade your mind
The pain that invades your body
The thoughts that make you feel
There’s no other way

You are my child
You are a piece of me
Your essence lives in my heart
I wish I could extract this pain
I would do anything to make this go away
I feel helpless, hopeless, powerless

I tell you every chance I get that I love you
I hug you
I make sure you know that you matter
You matter to me
I celebrate your successes with you
I laugh with you
I listen to your favorite music with you
I want you to know
That you mean the world to me
Without you I would not have found me
I would not have discarded the mask
That others created for me

I feel you will help others too
You will show them joy
You will show them love
You will show them parts of life
They never knew existed

My dear child
I hope that one day
The pain of existing
Is replaced with the joy
Of discovering the beauty, the love
That this world holds in waiting for you

May I not outlive you
May you outlive me
I hope that you outlive me
I hope that you outlive me
I hope that you outlive me
Camilla Downs, 2024