**THROWBACK POST**

January 12 2025

Prompt: Authenticity or Betrayal

tilt

a joyful baby birthed
defenseless
trusting
innocent

i pressed play
the game began
with a motherboard of pure authenticity
the controls locked from the beginning

i a slot machine
the adults around me
feeding me coins
of love
of Joyful times
feeding me coins of
hate
of Conditional love
of Praise for pleasing them
feeding me coins of
judgment
of Unwanted attention
feeding me coins
that led to the betrayal of myself
feeding me coins
laced with
a culture of Prejudice
sexism
misogyny
classism
stereotypes
colorism
white privilege
homophobia
transphobia
feeding me coins
until they hit the jackpot
of having me as they needed me to be

i traveled through life stuck on these default settings
society feeding me more of the same coins
i believing this to be the true me

nearing midlife the game tilted
the error reverberated
throughout my system
a crack was revealed
curiouser and curiouser
i poked the crack
the crack becoming a crevice
the crevice becoming a canyon
the canyon a decade long journey
revealing the code to unlock
character customization

customize I did
unlearning the bullshit I’d been fed
i collected new coins of
acceptance
solidarity
and freedom
devouring books, movies, articles and music
deleting the old codes
continuing to customize
and will continue to customize
until this Camilla game has ended

i reach high
grab a few stars
squeeze them between my lips
and Swallow
the stars evidence
that showing myself grace
is the flavor they shed

i reach down
grab handfuls of grit
smearing it onto my skin like glaze
this, my shield against other’s agenda

i am pieces of all my experiences
coded together
by the text of the books I’ve read,
by the poetry I devour
by the adventures I pursue
by the letters that form the words that make the sounds of conversations
by the smell of coffee
by the salt water of the ocean
by the two kids I birthed and raised
by the relationships I’ve had
by the beat and lyrics of music
by the nectar of honeysuckle

if all of this is absurd
if life is simply a ridiculous illusion
i have no choice but to have fun
mostly anyway
i have no choice but to
continue customizing this character called Camilla
i have no choice but to
continue my conversations
with the moon and the trees
i have no choice but to acknowledge
i was at my most authentic on the day of my birth
and I will be again on the day of my death
Camilla Downs, 2024