Never Stop Being on Fire – sea change

May 8 2024

To all the sisters who are on fire. 🔥 🔥🔥 Never stop. ❤️‍🔥❤️‍🔥❤️‍🔥

sea change

To quote Stevie Nicks,
“The rooms are all on fire
Every time that you walk in the room
Well, there is magic all around you”

She’s on Fire means
she has shed the layers of herself she wore
for everyone else’s comfort.
The layers she wore to people-please
For fear that she would be rejected
That she would be rejected
Would be rejected
Rejected

She’s on fire means
She confidently asks for what she needs
She walks into spaces
With an air that she is supposed to be there
That she belongs there
She allows all of her self to enter
No longer afraid to take up space

She’s on fire means
That she fully steps into vulnerability
Unafraid to let the sensitive underbelly
Of vulnerability be exposed
For she knows that being vulnerable
allows others to be vulnerable
Letting others know they are not alone
This sharing creates waves of healing
that permeate the air
Inspiring all who are open to receiving

She’s on fire means
She knows when it’s worth the effort to
Engage in disagreements
She knows when being kind is the way
She knows that there are times when
Not being kind is the way
She no longer argues with those who
Are committed to misunderstanding her
She no longer tries to convince
Someone of her beauty, her worth

She’s on fire means
She has mastered the skill
Of knowing when to stay
And when to walk away
She walks away from toxic, one-sided, dead-end,
low vibrational relationships and friendships
She knows when to say, “I’m done”
She actively works on detoxing the part of her
That resonates with toxic people

She’s on fire means
She has mastered the skill
Of setting boundaries
Of knowing when those
Boundaries are not being respected
She knows when to leave
Burning down the damn bridge on her way out

She’s on fire means
She shares secrets with her skin and bones
With her blood and her heartbeat
Together they know
The older she gets
The quicker time moves
They know the finish line of life moves ever closer
She has decided not to waste
Any more time stopping herself from
Being moved by art, nature, music, poetry, words
Whatever it is
She will permit herself to feel it
She will allow it to express outwardly
She will no longer hold this inside of herself
No longer hold this inside of herself
Inside of herself
Herself

She’s on fire means
She will absolutely not be acting her age
Because what the hell does that even mean?
She will tell other women
How absolutely beautiful they are
How absolutely fucking amazing they are
How absolutely on fire they are
She will never use other women for kindling
In burning down what needs to be burned down

She’s on fire means
She allows herself to fully embrace her style
She will not be a paraphrase
In someone’s life
For she is the whole-ass story
She knows that there is magic
In showing others her true self

She’s on Fire means
She has been to hell and back
Where she collected the ashes of past struggles, past hurt and trauma
To use as confetti whenever she celebrates
And she brought back fire-tinged glitter
To sprinkle on her sisters when they need fire
she has stepped into her true, fluid chameleon self
she has released worry about what others think
Released
worry
About
What
Others
Think
For this is true freedom.
This is true freedom
True freedom
Freedom

And it is fucking glorious.

Camilla Downs, 2024

Poetry – The Love of Laughter

The Love of Laughter

We meet for coffee
Ordering our favorite, hot, steaming beverage
In a mug that fits perfectly into the hands

We begin catching up with one another
Sharing about life events
Future plans

Taking turns talking
Darting from one topic to another
Then back again to the same topic
Oblivious to the buzz and chatter
Of the cafe and people around us

We pause between words
Lift the mug to the lips
Inhale the intoxicating scent of that
Dark liquid gold
Take a sip
Feel it touch the tongue
And slide down the throat

Next the conversation takes a turn
For the lighter side
We share something that
Only the two of us would find funny
We begin to laugh together

What we laugh about
Is something that could be crushed
By the weight of sadness
Were it to be viewed in that way

Nevertheless, we laugh
This is how we have chosen to
Meet these life moments

Laughing til our faces hurt
Laughing til we can no longer form words
Laughing til we can’t breathe
Laughing til our stomach muscles contract with pain
Laughing til the laughter spreads to the people next to us
Laughing til the laughter
Sprouts wings
Fluttering down the lane
Infecting all in its path
Taking to the skies
Bringing laughter to the clouds
The sun, the stars, the moon

When the wave of laughter subsides
We take a deep breath,
sip our coffee
And think how good this felt

We open our minds
And see into one another’s soul
With this shared experience

Our sense of humor is our virtue
There is nothing that compares
to this type of joy shared together.

Camilla Downs, 2024

Poetry: Unfinished Poem

**THROWBACK POETRY**

August 2023

Unfinished Poem

White puffy clouds in the sky
You know how I feel
Bright blue sky
You know how I feel

The first time we met
I could feel him in my bones
Heart beating faster, entire body lit up,
Lightheaded
Sizzling, tingling,
thick clouds of sweet, sticky nectar invading my brain
Drunk on him, I was

I’d lose all capacity
To think and speak coherently

We began texting
It felt as if we gave one another
Permission to go deeper

Holding hands in the darkness
We were safe from the world spinning around us

Sharing a little more with each message sent
And with each of those messages
The fondness grew stronger
I felt safe with him

A light breeze blowing through my hair
You know how I feel
The cool water caressing my body
You know how I feel

His uniqueness
authenticity
beauty
willingness to share his truths with me
His enthusiasm about getting to know me
Filled me with excitement, anticipation

The first time we kissed
Warm, tender, sweet
Delicious

The messages getting hotter
The fondness growing stronger
The hugs shared drenched me
With a feeling of being home

Sitting under a shade tree
You know how I feel
The touch of the cool, soft grass
You know how I feel

That time he touched my inner thigh
Telling me he loved my legs
Igniting the desire even more

I thought this was mutual
He wanting to know more about me, my life
Me wanting to know more about him, his life

Then he turned away,
stopped sharing, stopped reaching out, something had shifted
My neurospicy brain and tender heart
Wanted to make sense of it

Warm sand between my toes
You know how I feel
The scent of honeysuckle
You know how I feel

One minute into me, the next not
This continued for a while
Until I had to turn away
As the Mystery of this Love
Was tormenting me
My fondness, my desire for him
Was not where he could be

I had to leave us Unfinished
Unfinished as is the poem
He wrote to me
That lives in the messages on my phone

Two unfinished poems
That came together for a
Brief moment in time

The sun shining through my window
You know how I feel
The full moon in the deep black sky
You know how I feel

A brief moment in time
To experience an intense, sizzling
Safe, bright connection
The bits of our lost souls coming together
For a sweet, slippery dance to the tune of our poetry.

Leave out: This experience,
these poems,
The music he shared with me,
him
I treasure.

And That’s where this poem must end.

Unfinished
Yet, complete.

Camilla Downs, 2023

Poetry: Arrivederci

March 23 2024

Arrivederci

Goodbye
Farewell
So long

I just can’t stand the pain
There’s a non-stop herd of elephants
Stampeding across my heart

Goodbye

I’m leaving
I’ve done all I can

The disappointment that keeps getting delivered
Fractures my heart into a trillion pieces
My nervous system simply
Cannot take the rise and fall,
The dopamine hits
Of the delicious intense encounters
And the heart breaking let down
Of disappointment

Farewell

I’m headed to the craft store
To buy glue, steel, and comfort

I’ll glue the pieces of my heart
Back together,
Melting the steel
Into the crevices
Smooshing in words of comfort, strength,
and resilience
More glue,
More melted steel
More words

So long

I’ll calm the elephants stampeding
Across my heart
I’ll take the love that has hit a dead end
The love that has no where to go

I’ll feed it to the elephants
Pouring the love into them,
Onto them, over them
Until they slowly calm
Inhaling the love with their snouts
Wrapping me in their herd
Taking me into their trust
Showering me with that same love

Showering me, rocking me with their love
Until my heart has healed
Reviving my ability to love
Showering until my light returns
Until the joy returns

They disperse
I disperse
Having a fortified heart
Feeling calm, peaceful

Dare I say
Ready to do it
All over again

That is, of course,
After this process has
Repeated from
Five to five hundred and fifty five times

Goodbye
Farewell
So long

Camilla Downs 2024

Monday Night Poetry – Filling My Cup

March 23 2024

Monday Night Poetry filled my cup to overflowing! 🩷🩷🩷

Thank you Paolo, Isis, Levi, Jesse, Fredley, Caleb and a few others whose names I cannot remember (sorry!) for the hugs and holding space for me to share what I needed to share.

If you’ve followed my writing for some time, you know that I write to process life experiences. Nearly 100% of the time, I feel much better afterwards as it helps me to get on the other side of it.

Everyone at Monday Night Poetry instinctively understood that I was not asking for advice. I just needed to get this out of my head, heart, and body. And I needed comfort by way of hugs. That’s it.

I appreciate this wonderful group of creative folks so damn much! 💋💋💋

 

Throwback Post: Baking With Books and Art

**THROWBACK POST**

October 5 2014:

Wahoo Thomas! He made gateau au yaourt (yogurt cake) this afternoon … all by himself! So good! Topped with a spoonful of creme fraiche. Yum!

October 5 2013:

That’s right … Library adventures! Wahoooo!

Stepping out of my warm, fuzzy cocoon tonight … Going to Sierra Arts and gonna hang out with some adult people at 7:30. Perhaps I won’t turn into a pumpkin when the clock strikes 8:30. We shall see! If you see me there and I don’t see you please get my attention and say “Hey”!

Wonderful job Sharon!! Loved it!!!! Such awesomeness!

I Am a Trillion Parts – Monday Night Poetry

March 15 2024

Monday Night Poetry.

Prompt: How do you let go of something that won’t let go of you?

Such great poems were shared.

I Am A Trillion Parts

Why is it that I cannot let you go?

My mind is on board, most days
My heart agrees, most days

Yet, there’s this mystical thread
Connecting us

Some days it’s visible, strong and tight
Other days it’s invisible, and I am free to let you go

Some days it sparkles
Some days it’s sticky sweet
Some days it’s sharp and painful

I know it sounds crazy

One day, I’m free
Free to let you go
Feeling relief
Feeling strong
Feeling invincible

Two days later
I don’t want to let you go
I feel the comfort of knowing you’re there
Remembering, with pleasure, our time together

I am not one dimensional

Feeling so damn good having made
The decision to let you go
Feeling so damn good having made
The decision not to let you go

There’s the free spirit in me
That just wants to go with the flow
Enjoying life in the moment
Let what is, be what is

There’s the little girl in me
Who doesn’t want to lose
That which helps her to feel good
Makes her feel good
Feels so damn good

The little girl who doesn’t
Want the feeling of being abandoned to return
Covering her heart in a cloud of darkness

I am not one dimensional

There’s light at the end of this tunnel
The more I learn about myself
The more I uncover and walk through
The trauma of my childhood
The more my mind and heart connect the dots
Of not wanting to let go of past trauma
The closer I get to letting you go

Here I come again

And while I make my way to this place
Of letting you go, for good
Knowing that yesterday is gone
That time is lost forever
Time will not wait for me

Written on my heart
Is the knowing that my time
Is now limited
For the first time in my life
I can clearly see the finish line of my life

For that reason,
I damn well plan on enjoying myself
Enjoying the bright light of others
Enjoying the company of others
Hugging those that want to share this intimate
Love-filled act

I will wake up one day
After uncovering all facets of me
To finally be able to let you go for good
With no regrets

And that right there,
Is fucking freedom
Like no other.
Camilla Downs – 2024

my salad days – National Poetry Month – April 30th

April is National Poetry Month. I’m going to attempt to write one poem every day this month. Today’s poem: 30/30 for April 30th – YES!!! I did it! 30 days, 30 poems!

(I want to work on this one more, but I wanted to get one posted for the last day of poetry month!)

my salad days

It is one of my favorite scents

When the thick, sweet
Scent enters my nostrils
I get a dopamine hit to the brain
sending me back to my childhood

Summer days spent
Outside all day playing
Riding bikes
Climbing my Aunt Mary’s plumb trees
Plucking yellow and purple plums,
sitting on a tree limb to eat them
Not too many
Or you’d have to run to the bathroom

Remembering the time I jumped
from the trampoline
Landing in a gigantic bed of fire ants

My Aunt Mary
Rushed me in the house
Tore off my clothes
Immersing me in a bathtub of cold water
Fire ant bites
HURT

Remembering the times
Helping my pappaw mow lawns
All the grandkids had to take turns helping him
It was hard work in that oppressive Mississippi heat
He always paid us for our help
Me and my cousin, Stephanie
Would walk to the tote-sum
Taking our time choosing penny candy
We’d leave with a good size bag of
Glorious sugar loaded treats

Remembering that time
My pappaw let me try
Some of his chewing tobacco
When I tell you I spit that shit
Out so fast
Nasty stuff!

It is one of my favorite scents

Honeysuckle

It reminds me of childhood summer days

Camilla Downs, 2024

Prompt: Think about your favourite scent. Write a poem depicting the things and activities it reminds you of.