End it With the Period

Life is Not the Stories We Tell Ourselves

“Do not expect others to follow your way. When things always go your way, it is easy to become arrogant.” -The Treatise on the King of Treasures Samadhi

Sunday, May 13, 2018 was Mother’s Day in the United States. It was the worst Mother’s Day I can remember experiencing.

Mother's Day May 8 2016 #6

I’m writing this, I’m sharing this, for those amongst us whose hearts were covered and weighted with sadness. As I know not everyone had a great and blessed day being showered and pampered with love by themselves or loved ones.

Thomas had just returned to Reno from his visit with The Romano Duo (grandparents) in Arizona. He had much blunt and forthright thoughts to share about how unhappy he is with our situation and with Lillian’s inflexibilities and anxieties. I grabbed that hook and sank into a deep sadness of telling myself how much of a failure I am at providing for my kids, how much of a failure I am at being their parent.

(Let me add here that I do not blame Thomas. I have raised him to be honest and to openly share his thoughts and opinions with others. Usually he is thoughtful with his word choice when doing so.)

I awoke to no cards, no hugs, no smiles at any time during the day. I am not one to expect store bought gifts; yet, I have always loved the handmade notes, cards and art Thomas and Lillian have given me. I’m sure a wee bit has to do with them getting older and moving out of this stage of their lives. Mostly this stung so badly due to the deeply sad state in which I had sunk. I maneuvered through the day with a heavy and painful body shrouded by a fog of sadness and confusion.

“As we experience adversity in our lives, we mature and become more understanding. Just remember that the person who has made your life difficult today could be an undercover teacher sent from above, tasked with your spiritual growth.” -The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down by Haemin Sunim

Throughout the week Thomas and I talked about the things he shared. And, Monday and Tuesday followed with incredibly healing walks and messages from nature.

I also had a deep realization and reminder that life is NOT the stories we tell ourselves. Things happen. Period. Words are spoken. Period. Seasons change. Period. Life continues. Period. All grow older. Period.

If we can remember to end each of these at the period and not ruminate with stories beyond the period; we deflect much suffering for ourselves.

Nature’s Messages

…. from a walk this Monday morning …… Reflections. Cloudy and clear at the same time? Ahhhh. Such is it.

Solo Walk Vintage Lake Reflections 5.14.18

Don’t hold onto it. Let it roll right off your back.

Nature always has a perfect message for us when we stop, be quiet, and listen. I mean, look at those cute little water droplets. How could I not stop, take it in, and capture the moment? …. from a walk this morning …

Walk Vintage Water Droplets 5.14.18

This found me on a walk. Lots of goose quills around, yet have never seen two like this before.

I just had the chance to research online a bit and found that the quill of a goose has long been a preferred writing instrument. Apparently it awakens the imagination and intuition flows. The writer travels through time capturing stories of past, future and present.

I’ll take it! Time to write more. I’ll imagine my fingers are goose quills and that I’m writing like the wind as I type. My fingers and hand begin to hurt after about 5 minutes of handwriting so I just can’t do it.

Solo Walk Vintage Lake Goose Feathers 5.15.18

Alchemy Happens

By the end of the week the sadness had fully lifted and Thursday evening brought a tremendously huge aha moment bringing even more clarity (blog post to follow about this – if it feels right, sign up to receive blog posts via email should you not want to miss new blog posts).

Friday was a beautiful, light, and joyful day. Thomas and I had a great time on our May 2018 date day going out for lunch and then to Little Washoe Lake for digging in the sand and playing with a huge piece of driftwood.

After all of this and after writing this, I am able to come back around and say, “2018 was an uneventful Mother’s Day. I did not receive homemade gifts from my kids.” Period. No stories or harsh self talk to follow. No stories of “worst Mother’s Day ever”. 

I do not share this to cause others to feel badly. It is my hope that your heart overflows with gratitude that these are not lessons you need to learn and to have compassion for others. I share because sharing is what I do. And, I know the person who needs to receive this message will receive it.

Everything is going to be okay.

Blessings,
Camilla
See It. Share It. BE IT … Spread Love Everywhere You Go!

Amazing news! My 16 year old daughter, Lillian Darnell’s debut book, “Where Would You Fly and Other Magical Stories” is published. Learn more and order here

Wonderfully exciting news! My 12 year old son, Thomas Darnell‘s book, Biggest Little Photographer is published. Be inspired! Learn more and order here.

And my book published in 2012, D iz for Different – One Woman’s Journey to Acceptance; which reached #2 in the Self-Help Category and #1 in Special Needs Parenting on Amazon.

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He’s A Truth Compass

Team TLC Sunset Walk Damonte Ranch Trail 6.18.17 #1

Oh Snap! Thank you to Thomas for continually being the one that says to me, flat out, “That wasn’t kind.” …. He’s like a truth compass when my own internal compass feels like it’s been 20 rounds in the washing machine.

Truth be told, on the day I wrote this, I woke up feeling heavy, sad, overwhelmed …. and EXHAUSTED. Had me a good cry after meditation. Yet, the down feelings remained. I only got one thing accomplished today. I completed a 2 page application and emailed it. Wahooooo! Smokin’ .. HA!

I actually completed it twice. I put the folder on the patio table to put my jacket on and forgot about the folder. When I got back the document had freed itself and went for a joy ride in the wind! So … back to the beginning to complete it again.

Feeling much better now after having a focused and uninterrupted conversation with Thomas this afternoon while Lillian was having her independent time at the lodge. Typically, it’s difficult for he and I to have an uninterrupted conversation.

He wanted to talk about Syria, driving on the left side of the road vs right side, that 52% of people in Finland are left-handed, country borders, Alaska, Hawaii, and how he feels that those who created the country borders must have stopped off at a bar beforehand. Although, he did add that he hasn’t researched the history of country borders so there may be a reason of which he is not aware.

I actually feel much better now. Perhaps it was getting to have a focused and mindful talk with Thomas and a couple of other little blessings that came my way today. I still feel overwhelmed and exhausted, yet not as heavy and sad.

I like to share a glimpse of the downward times with everyone so as to present a balanced picture of Team TLC. I do not share for sympathy or advice … Just to let you know, “Me too.” I BE rollin’ in humanness … the lovely and the unlovely …. And that’s what it’s all about. And now I’ve got Tina Turner performing “Proud Mary” in my mind … Wonderful!! xoxo

I shared this on facebook and the below are the comments from me that followed input from others:

I feel it’s so incredibly important that we be real and transparent with others. There’s so much I do not share as I have an aversion to being around complaining, whether it comes from me or others.

My entire body tenses when presented with complaining. When I do share, I am careful to present it in a way that is simply sharing a snapshot rather than complaining … at least that’s my intent.

Thomas and I have these conversations daily. Maybe I don’t get out enough or around others enough; but, his thought processes blow my mind. Yesterday, he told me he was researching World War II and how Hitler came to power. He was comparing it to a current political situation. He then switched to immigration and deeply feels that the root of the issue is not being addressed. He compared it with something I’m having a hard time remembering … It had to do with borders and comparing to a physics theory having to do with two boxes side by side.

I feel the more of us that share our humanness the more in tune with one another we’d all feel and be.

I am moved at times to pop that bubble of separation we place amongst ourselves. We are all traveling a unique path; yet, with many similarities along the way .. And, I am a huge supporter and practitioner of releasing through crying. It is incredibly relaxing … xoxo

Blessings,
Camilla
See It. Share It. BE IT … Spread Love Everywhere You Go!

Amazing news! My 16 year old daughter, Lillian Darnell’s debut book, “Where Would You Fly and Other Magical Stories” is published. Learn more and order here

Wonderfully exciting news! My 12 year old son, Thomas Darnell‘s book, Biggest Little Photographer is published. Be inspired! Learn more and order here.

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Fear Alchemized – Who Will Love Them Unconditionally?

Virginia Foothills Park Team TLC 2.2.18 #1

Who Will Love Them Unconditionally?

As she took in the message that family means much more than those whom she was born amongst, she felt deep sadness within for having not a close relationship with those whom, by blood, she is connected. A deep sadness also for having not friends or community that are like family.

A sadness that sank and spread to include sadness that her kids know not a close knit relationship with those whom one traditionally calls family. Sad that neither of her kids have an anointed or appointed person or person(s) who have committed to be there for them. Committed to mentor them, listen to them, and guide them should she leave this Earth space before they become adults.

The thought of this brings a cloud of darkness that she created this life in such a way that there are no others who are a part of their lives in a familial way. Whether that be by blood or simply shared humanness.

Who will they talk with should she not be around?

Who will continue to facilitate their journey for them until they take over facilitating their own journeys?

Who will ensure the well-being of the one with special needs?

Who will they share their life happenings with?

Who will unconditionally love them?

This is what brings forth this dark sadness. Not that she didn’t have a tribe surround and embrace her and her little ones when they were born into their human form. That does indeed cause sadness. Yet, the deep biting sadness is caused by fear of the future for her kids.

Virginia Foothills Park Team TLC 2.2.18 #5 Virginia Foothills Park Team TLC 2.2.18 #8

The Fear

Fear. Fear comes to us in so many different forms to rattle our hearts and minds. Fear disguises itself in such a way that, at times, we even miss that at the core of what we are feeling is fear.

Thoughts that she has failed are dropped by fear, like bombs in a war zone. Failed at being the parent that these kids need. Failed at opening herself to the friendships and kinships of others. Failed at providing and surrounding these kids with mentors, facilitators, and friendships. Failed to teach them how to cultivate and nurture friendships. Failure whispers these thoughts over and over as she withers within while they compound upon one another and weigh upon her Light.

The Alchemy

Behold. A still, small, whisper of a voice beneath the weight of fear’s thoughts awaits with strength, fortitude, and love for the perfect moment. The moment when this thought will gently rise to the surface of her heart and place a knowing that fear’s thoughts are simply smoke and mirrors. An illusion created by fear to distract her from the journey of the heart that she is traveling.

The voice of light, this voice of Love, gently embraces these fear thoughts, allowing her to physically feel them within her body. Once she has let herself feel the discomfort caused by these fear thoughts, the voice of Love swallows the fear thoughts and transmutes them into love and light and they are released to the stars, moon and sun to be scattered as the magical dust that makes up all of life.

She becomes fully aware that although fear would have her believe she does not have a tribe, that she does not have those whom unconditionally love her, those that support and cheer her on …. Love Knows this NOT to be the Truth. Love Knows.

Wilbur May Team TLC Walk 4.5.17 #6

And so she breathes in a deep and long breath, knowing that all is okay. All will be okay. And she breathes another breath. And she breathes and releases the smoke and mirrors that is fear. And, so it is …

Blessings,
Camilla
See It. Share It. BE IT … Spread Love Everywhere You Go!

Amazing news! My 16 year old daughter, Lillian Darnell’s debut book, “Where Would You Fly and Other Magical Stories” is published. Learn more and order here

Wonderfully exciting news! My 12 year old son, Thomas Darnell‘s book, Biggest Little Photographer is published. Be inspired! Learn more and order here.

Latest Articles: