My Entire Life Dissolved

On Tuesday, 12.3, my entire life dissolved. It simply disappeared like sugar in boiling water. Who I am, who I thought myself to be disintegrated. In my mind’s eye, I could see creations and events literally crumbling. Have you ever had that happen?

Being me, I view this as the only way I know how … As a deeply spiritual experience. And I am grateful to be traveling this path … uncomfortable experiences, and all.

It left this one saturated with confusion and pain. I had been sobbing on and off for the past week, lost in this confusion, attempting to find the way out. Desperately trying to figure out the solution, the way to fix it. I did not want this uninvited guest.

Only a week later did I realize what happened on the previous Tuesday, and chose to use the “love and embrace” practice, everything that arises, everything one finds oneself in the midst of experiencing.

I turned into the confusion and despair with love and welcomed it like a long lost friend. When I woke up the next morning, the feeling of heaviness, confusion, and anxiety of needing to figure out the situation had lifted.

It’s not an easy task to embrace and welcome an uninvited guest, to turn an uninvited guest into an invited guest. Yet, you know what I learned? When we do this the uninvited guest delivers what it came bearing and must depart to remain the uninvited guest.

That was one freaking wild ride. Is it all figured out now? Well, on some level it is. I just don’t consciously know the solution yet. For now, I am at peace being in the space of not knowing …. Oceans of love …. xoxo

P.S. … No need for sadness .. I consider what happened a deeply spiritual experience and I treasure it. I feel there is incredible wisdom and power within confusion. And when we experience what we thought to be our life and who we are dissolving in our minds eye; it’s the beginning of BEing who we truly are …. At least, that’s what I’m going with! Hahaha!

I feel this minute or so video touches on what I experienced … 

Blessings,
Camilla
See It. Share It. BE IT … Spread Love Everywhere You Go!

Amazing news! My 17 year old daughter, Lillian Darnell’s debut book, “Where Would You Fly and Other Magical Stories” is published. Learn more and order here

Wonderfully exciting news! My 13 year old son, Thomas Darnell‘s book, Biggest Little Photographer is published. Be inspired! Learn more and order here.

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Facing Fear – I Welcome You

Thomas Cole (American, 1801 - 1848), The Voyage of Life: Youth, 1842, oil on canvas, Ailsa Mellon Bruce Fund 1971.16.2

Thomas Cole (American, 1801 – 1848), The Voyage of Life: Youth, 1842, oil on canvas, Ailsa Mellon Bruce Fund 1971.16.2

The Best Version of Me

I expect and know I will see the possibilities and opportunities in this situation. I will Know when to take action. And, I will be the best version of me that I can possibly be. 

I welcome this fear and I take it’s hand as I walk through the foggy illusion fear creates. As I reach the other side I gently release the hand of fear and lovingly whisper, “Thank you.”

Thank you for helping me to see and know the walls as an illusion. The walls I have felt trapped within, no matter which path I chose. Thank you for allowing me to see that even though I may outwardly seem to conform; within I know the Truth. I hold that Truth close to my Heart, so that I may freely and openly share the Gift of my Heart as only I can do in the Way I came forth to share. 

Break Free of Illusions

I thank you for helping me to see the opportunities and possibilities in seemingly difficult situations. I thank you for teaching me to expect opportunities and possibilities so that I may break free of the illusions of these Worldly rules. I thank you for teaching me that being Good and doing things how they are expected is not a requirement. Thank you for teaching me that fitting in is not a requirement of BEing on this Earth. 

Fear keeps us focused on the past or worried about the future. If we can acknowledge our fear, we can realize that right now we are okay. Right now, today, we are still alive, and our bodies are working marvelously. Our eyes can still see the beautiful sky. Our ears can still hear the voices of our loved ones. – Thich Nhat Hanh

Thank you for teaching me the Truth, my Truth. A Truth that at times, creates heaviness and an internal explosion so fierce I feel I may die from the physical discomfort it brings. A discomfort so unbearable I contemplate if leaving this Earthly body is the way to Freedom from these Worldly rules. Thank you for teaching me in the next second that these thoughts are a trick of the Ego. As are all thoughts that cause me to whither and hide the Light Within. 

Thank you for teaching me how to make a decision from a Knowing and Trusting place of Love. Thank you for teaching me the difference between this Knowing and being stuck in a sludgy tar filled pit of despair, anxiety, fear, and loneliness.

The Key to Freedom

Thank you to the Angels who have come into my life to Guide me in seeing the illusion of the sludgy tar filled pit. Thank you for showing me Where the Key to Freedom lay in wait. Thank you for not giving up on me. Thank you for holding space for me to learn and process what has been necessary for grasping this Key and using it as was meant.

Thank you to those who have given up on me. Thank you to those who have turned away from me. Thank you to those who have lost patience with this path I travel. For you have been an integral piece of my Truth as well. 

I expect and know I will see and act upon the possibilities and opportunities in this situation. I am no longer stuck in the sludgy tar filled pit. I am ready to live my Truth. I am ready to receive the slings and arrows that come my way as I live this Truth. I am ready to Love myself, and to give and receive Love. I am FREE. Freedom. Hallelujah! -©2018, Camilla Downs

Blessings,
Camilla
See It. Share It. BE IT … Spread Love Everywhere You Go!

Amazing news! My 16 year old daughter, Lillian Darnell’s debut book, “Where Would You Fly and Other Magical Stories” is published. Learn more and order here

Wonderfully exciting news! My 12 year old son, Thomas Darnell‘s book, Biggest Little Photographer is published. Be inspired! Learn more and order here.

And my book published in 2012, D iz for Different – One Woman’s Journey to Acceptance; which reached #2 in the Self-Help Category and #1 in Special Needs Parenting on Amazon.

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Alchemy: A Haunting Memory Reveals the Truth

A Haunting Memory

Tree Roots Walking Through Tunnel Post 8.4.17

Why does this memory haunt her? Why does it keep returning? She does not remember the exact age of when this happened. She would have been 5, 6 or 7 years old. The past couple of years when this memory surfaced she has taken the time to feel emotions she buried from that time …. sadness and anger. Event though she remembers not who was involved, she has forgiven whoever it was.

She used to ignore it. Telling herself either she imagined it or if it happened then it lives in the past and does not matter. Which she does believe to be partly true. It is in the past and no longer exists. Yet, she left something of herself in that crawl space, behind a locked door. Something that begs to be retrieved.

She bears no anger towards the one or ones who thought it fun or a game or just plain unkind to lock her in that crawl space. She has been patient each time the memory surfaces. Recently she wrote about it in great detail in a “written quilt piece” in preparation for an upcoming memoir. Well, the details she can remember.

The Meditation Alchemy

Perhaps that writing was the catalyst to finally retrieving what she had left there. She traveled to that crawl space once again on May 30, 2018. Not by a conscious choice. She was divinely led there. With eyes closed, seated comfortably and relaxed; she was invited to imagine herself in a cocoon. Her heart and mind took her straight to that crawl space behind the locked door. She found herself alternating between difficulty breathing and her breath quickening as she felt paralyzing anxiety.

She was invited to imagine two layers to the cocoon and that she was about dissolve one layer. The first of these layers appeared to be the lock of the door. The door handle melted into a silken gold liquid with the embrace of pure, divine love. The second layer to be dissolved was the door. As she watched in her mind’s eye the wooden door magically rotted and dissolved into the dirt floor of the crawl space.

She was also invited to see a symbol or word held within the cocoon that she was to take with her. She was guided to know that this symbol holds meaning as to why she is here on this Earth and here at this time, and that this is the message she is to share with others. Surprising to her, she saw a beautiful symbol that had come into her life at about the age of twenty.

Real True Sincere Tattoo June 2018

A Japanese symbol she had chosen to have permanently etched onto her skin. At the age of twenty she did not know the depth of why she chose this symbol. Well, other than the fact that it only cost $20 and that’s about all she had to spend on permanent body art. This is that symbol and its meaning is real, true, and sincere. Floating underneath the symbol was the word “write”.

The Truth is Revealed

Clouds May 2018 #1

She absorbed the symbol and word into the loving embrace of her heart as she emerged from the crawl space with a knowing as to why she had to keep returning. It wasn’t to torture herself, nor to stay living in the past, nor to have sadness and anger; of which the latter was long gone.

She now knew that she had left parts of her Worth in that crawl space, mixed in with the well packed dirt floor. Pieces of it dislodged from her heart and scattered amongst the dust particles in the coolness of that dark place. She now retrieved the pieces of Worth and became aware that hanging around her neck from a golden silk cord was an aqua colored pen engraved with the word “Jump”. She flew peacefully from that crawl space on gypsy wings inscribed with authenticity, truth, sincerity and love.

Clouds May 2018 #2

She continues to write to this day. Her writing has evolved and shifted over the years and ever remains authentic, true, and sincere. Watch for it. One day one of her writings may sweep you away to travels that excite, delight, or may even bring an alchemical experience of your own.

Please be kind with yourself should you be experiencing recurring unlovely memories of the past. Know you are not doing it to torture yourself. Be patient and the truth shall be revealed when you are ready. And so it is.

**Special thanks to Jessica Levity Daylover and The Alchemist Theatre members. Jessica’s magical meditations and the entire show almost always spark an amazing “story” for me. That’s where this one was born!**

It was pretty wild! Like, “Oh, now I see why this has kept coming up. Got it. Worth retrieved! Let’s do this!!” Definitely some alchemy happening!!

Blessings,
Camilla
See It. Share It. BE IT … Spread Love Everywhere You Go!

Amazing news! My 16 year old daughter, Lillian Darnell’s debut book, “Where Would You Fly and Other Magical Stories” is published. Learn more and order here

Wonderfully exciting news! My 12 year old son, Thomas Darnell‘s book, Biggest Little Photographer is published. Be inspired! Learn more and order here.

And my book published in 2012, D iz for Different – One Woman’s Journey to Acceptance; which reached #2 in the Self-Help Category and #1 in Special Needs Parenting on Amazon.

Latest Articles:
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The Alchemy of Writing

“I learn by going where I have to go.” -Theodore Roethke

Walk Vintage Lake Path 5.30.18 #3

Why

I Know that I am supposed to share that which I experience, that which I live. I know that I am supposed to share it by way of writing, so I do. I release it to fly free …

In searching my blog for other articles I’ve written about writing, I came across this one from May 2016 …

I feel it is my purpose to openly share my own life experiences with others. I freely explain and share lessons I’ve learned and practices I use that work for me and my family. If needed, I listen with love and compassion and intuitively share thoughts and examples from my own life.

“The meaningful question is never what we did yesterday, but what we have learned from it and are doing today ….. No one can help with anything like someone who has been through the pain themselves.” – A Return to Love by Marianne Williamson

There is something inside of me that won’t let me not write. Something that gently nudges and says, “You’ve just got to share that.”

When I write I can hardly contain the emotions I feel inside. The emotions are as hot as lava and as sweet as honeysuckle – from the pit of my belly all the way up to my throat.

To read the entire post from 2016, go here “Why I Write“.

How

Everything I write has been experienced and lived by me. When I sit to write, at times I listen to music, and at others I write in silence. I lay my fingers to rest on the keyboard of my well worn laptop. I close my eyes, take a deep breath, and type a few words.

Camilla's laptop 7.14.18

Once the first few words appear on the screen, something within takes over. My heart begins to race with the excitement of opening a meticulously wrapped gift. I become lost in another dimension. My fingers and hands become warm, the veins in my hands rising like miniature mountains. Interestingly, forming a large H on my left hand and a large Y on my right hand. (Which happened as I was writing this passage ….. !!)

Left hand Typing 7.14.18 Right hand Typing 7.14.18

The words begin to flow as fast and smooth as water running from a faucet. I type as fast as my fingers and hands will allow. For which I am thankful for having had typing class in high school.

At times, I notice I have forgotten to take a breath for fear of missing the words that are streaming forth. Yet, I know the words I miss will return at some point or they will land with another to share in their own way. In the past I fretted over the words that go away. Now I know that it matters not. All comes forth in perfect timing.

The Alchemy

Writing is my witness, my alchemy, my soul song. Writing is my therapist, my medicine, my best friend, my parent, my sibling, and my lover.

It is the way I connect with life so that I can release it and to also receive advice, solutions, and be consoled. Writing alchemizes what I experience; guiding me to the lesson I am to learn, memories I am to remember and release, and to the Knowing of why I am experiencing whatever it is.

This is not to say that writing replaces any of these roles, it simply enhances them.

The Vow

I vow to write.

I vow to listen for what to write. I vow to write even if no one reads what is written. I vow to write even if it turns some away. I vow to write for the writing is the food that feeds my soul. I vow to write until the day I am no longer inhabiting this beautiful Earth.

I vow to write. And, I vow to let myself not write when the time calls for it; not feeling guilty or a failure for doing so.

Camilla at Damonte Ranch Trail Fall 2015

Blessings,
Camilla
See It. Share It. BE IT … Spread Love Everywhere You Go!

Amazing news! My 16 year old daughter, Lillian Darnell’s debut book, “Where Would You Fly and Other Magical Stories” is published. Learn more and order here

Wonderfully exciting news! My 12 year old son, Thomas Darnell‘s book, Biggest Little Photographer is published. Be inspired! Learn more and order here.

And my book published in 2012, D iz for Different – One Woman’s Journey to Acceptance; which reached #2 in the Self-Help Category and #1 in Special Needs Parenting on Amazon.

Latest Articles:
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End it With the Period

Life is Not the Stories We Tell Ourselves

“Do not expect others to follow your way. When things always go your way, it is easy to become arrogant.” -The Treatise on the King of Treasures Samadhi

Sunday, May 13, 2018 was Mother’s Day in the United States. It was the worst Mother’s Day I can remember experiencing.

Mother's Day May 8 2016 #6

I’m writing this, I’m sharing this, for those amongst us whose hearts were covered and weighted with sadness. As I know not everyone had a great and blessed day being showered and pampered with love by themselves or loved ones.

Thomas had just returned to Reno from his visit with The Romano Duo (grandparents) in Arizona. He had much blunt and forthright thoughts to share about how unhappy he is with our situation and with Lillian’s inflexibilities and anxieties. I grabbed that hook and sank into a deep sadness of telling myself how much of a failure I am at providing for my kids, how much of a failure I am at being their parent.

(Let me add here that I do not blame Thomas. I have raised him to be honest and to openly share his thoughts and opinions with others. Usually he is thoughtful with his word choice when doing so.)

I awoke to no cards, no hugs, no smiles at any time during the day. I am not one to expect store bought gifts; yet, I have always loved the handmade notes, cards and art Thomas and Lillian have given me. I’m sure a wee bit has to do with them getting older and moving out of this stage of their lives. Mostly this stung so badly due to the deeply sad state in which I had sunk. I maneuvered through the day with a heavy and painful body shrouded by a fog of sadness and confusion.

“As we experience adversity in our lives, we mature and become more understanding. Just remember that the person who has made your life difficult today could be an undercover teacher sent from above, tasked with your spiritual growth.” -The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down by Haemin Sunim

Throughout the week Thomas and I talked about the things he shared. And, Monday and Tuesday followed with incredibly healing walks and messages from nature.

I also had a deep realization and reminder that life is NOT the stories we tell ourselves. Things happen. Period. Words are spoken. Period. Seasons change. Period. Life continues. Period. All grow older. Period.

If we can remember to end each of these at the period and not ruminate with stories beyond the period; we deflect much suffering for ourselves.

Nature’s Messages

…. from a walk this Monday morning …… Reflections. Cloudy and clear at the same time? Ahhhh. Such is it.

Solo Walk Vintage Lake Reflections 5.14.18

Don’t hold onto it. Let it roll right off your back.

Nature always has a perfect message for us when we stop, be quiet, and listen. I mean, look at those cute little water droplets. How could I not stop, take it in, and capture the moment? …. from a walk this morning …

Walk Vintage Water Droplets 5.14.18

This found me on a walk. Lots of goose quills around, yet have never seen two like this before.

I just had the chance to research online a bit and found that the quill of a goose has long been a preferred writing instrument. Apparently it awakens the imagination and intuition flows. The writer travels through time capturing stories of past, future and present.

I’ll take it! Time to write more. I’ll imagine my fingers are goose quills and that I’m writing like the wind as I type. My fingers and hand begin to hurt after about 5 minutes of handwriting so I just can’t do it.

Solo Walk Vintage Lake Goose Feathers 5.15.18

Alchemy Happens

By the end of the week the sadness had fully lifted and Thursday evening brought a tremendously huge aha moment bringing even more clarity (blog post to follow about this – if it feels right, sign up to receive blog posts via email should you not want to miss new blog posts).

Friday was a beautiful, light, and joyful day. Thomas and I had a great time on our May 2018 date day going out for lunch and then to Little Washoe Lake for digging in the sand and playing with a huge piece of driftwood.

After all of this and after writing this, I am able to come back around and say, “2018 was an uneventful Mother’s Day. I did not receive homemade gifts from my kids.” Period. No stories or harsh self talk to follow. No stories of “worst Mother’s Day ever”. 

I do not share this to cause others to feel badly. It is my hope that your heart overflows with gratitude that these are not lessons you need to learn and to have compassion for others. I share because sharing is what I do. And, I know the person who needs to receive this message will receive it.

Everything is going to be okay.

Blessings,
Camilla
See It. Share It. BE IT … Spread Love Everywhere You Go!

Amazing news! My 16 year old daughter, Lillian Darnell’s debut book, “Where Would You Fly and Other Magical Stories” is published. Learn more and order here

Wonderfully exciting news! My 12 year old son, Thomas Darnell‘s book, Biggest Little Photographer is published. Be inspired! Learn more and order here.

And my book published in 2012, D iz for Different – One Woman’s Journey to Acceptance; which reached #2 in the Self-Help Category and #1 in Special Needs Parenting on Amazon.

Latest Articles:
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He’s A Truth Compass

Team TLC Sunset Walk Damonte Ranch Trail 6.18.17 #1

Oh Snap! Thank you to Thomas for continually being the one that says to me, flat out, “That wasn’t kind.” …. He’s like a truth compass when my own internal compass feels like it’s been 20 rounds in the washing machine.

Truth be told, on the day I wrote this, I woke up feeling heavy, sad, overwhelmed …. and EXHAUSTED. Had me a good cry after meditation. Yet, the down feelings remained. I only got one thing accomplished today. I completed a 2 page application and emailed it. Wahooooo! Smokin’ .. HA!

I actually completed it twice. I put the folder on the patio table to put my jacket on and forgot about the folder. When I got back the document had freed itself and went for a joy ride in the wind! So … back to the beginning to complete it again.

Feeling much better now after having a focused and uninterrupted conversation with Thomas this afternoon while Lillian was having her independent time at the lodge. Typically, it’s difficult for he and I to have an uninterrupted conversation.

He wanted to talk about Syria, driving on the left side of the road vs right side, that 52% of people in Finland are left-handed, country borders, Alaska, Hawaii, and how he feels that those who created the country borders must have stopped off at a bar beforehand. Although, he did add that he hasn’t researched the history of country borders so there may be a reason of which he is not aware.

I actually feel much better now. Perhaps it was getting to have a focused and mindful talk with Thomas and a couple of other little blessings that came my way today. I still feel overwhelmed and exhausted, yet not as heavy and sad.

I like to share a glimpse of the downward times with everyone so as to present a balanced picture of Team TLC. I do not share for sympathy or advice … Just to let you know, “Me too.” I BE rollin’ in humanness … the lovely and the unlovely …. And that’s what it’s all about. And now I’ve got Tina Turner performing “Proud Mary” in my mind … Wonderful!! xoxo

I shared this on facebook and the below are the comments from me that followed input from others:

I feel it’s so incredibly important that we be real and transparent with others. There’s so much I do not share as I have an aversion to being around complaining, whether it comes from me or others.

My entire body tenses when presented with complaining. When I do share, I am careful to present it in a way that is simply sharing a snapshot rather than complaining … at least that’s my intent.

Thomas and I have these conversations daily. Maybe I don’t get out enough or around others enough; but, his thought processes blow my mind. Yesterday, he told me he was researching World War II and how Hitler came to power. He was comparing it to a current political situation. He then switched to immigration and deeply feels that the root of the issue is not being addressed. He compared it with something I’m having a hard time remembering … It had to do with borders and comparing to a physics theory having to do with two boxes side by side.

I feel the more of us that share our humanness the more in tune with one another we’d all feel and be.

I am moved at times to pop that bubble of separation we place amongst ourselves. We are all traveling a unique path; yet, with many similarities along the way .. And, I am a huge supporter and practitioner of releasing through crying. It is incredibly relaxing … xoxo

Blessings,
Camilla
See It. Share It. BE IT … Spread Love Everywhere You Go!

Amazing news! My 16 year old daughter, Lillian Darnell’s debut book, “Where Would You Fly and Other Magical Stories” is published. Learn more and order here

Wonderfully exciting news! My 12 year old son, Thomas Darnell‘s book, Biggest Little Photographer is published. Be inspired! Learn more and order here.

Latest Articles:
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Fear Alchemized – Who Will Love Them Unconditionally?

Virginia Foothills Park Team TLC 2.2.18 #1

Who Will Love Them Unconditionally?

As she took in the message that family means much more than those whom she was born amongst, she felt deep sadness within for having not a close relationship with those whom, by blood, she is connected. A deep sadness also for having not friends or community that are like family.

A sadness that sank and spread to include sadness that her kids know not a close knit relationship with those whom one traditionally calls family. Sad that neither of her kids have an anointed or appointed person or person(s) who have committed to be there for them. Committed to mentor them, listen to them, and guide them should she leave this Earth space before they become adults.

The thought of this brings a cloud of darkness that she created this life in such a way that there are no others who are a part of their lives in a familial way. Whether that be by blood or simply shared humanness.

Who will they talk with should she not be around?

Who will continue to facilitate their journey for them until they take over facilitating their own journeys?

Who will ensure the well-being of the one with special needs?

Who will they share their life happenings with?

Who will unconditionally love them?

This is what brings forth this dark sadness. Not that she didn’t have a tribe surround and embrace her and her little ones when they were born into their human form. That does indeed cause sadness. Yet, the deep biting sadness is caused by fear of the future for her kids.

Virginia Foothills Park Team TLC 2.2.18 #5 Virginia Foothills Park Team TLC 2.2.18 #8

The Fear

Fear. Fear comes to us in so many different forms to rattle our hearts and minds. Fear disguises itself in such a way that, at times, we even miss that at the core of what we are feeling is fear.

Thoughts that she has failed are dropped by fear, like bombs in a war zone. Failed at being the parent that these kids need. Failed at opening herself to the friendships and kinships of others. Failed at providing and surrounding these kids with mentors, facilitators, and friendships. Failed to teach them how to cultivate and nurture friendships. Failure whispers these thoughts over and over as she withers within while they compound upon one another and weigh upon her Light.

The Alchemy

Behold. A still, small, whisper of a voice beneath the weight of fear’s thoughts awaits with strength, fortitude, and love for the perfect moment. The moment when this thought will gently rise to the surface of her heart and place a knowing that fear’s thoughts are simply smoke and mirrors. An illusion created by fear to distract her from the journey of the heart that she is traveling.

The voice of light, this voice of Love, gently embraces these fear thoughts, allowing her to physically feel them within her body. Once she has let herself feel the discomfort caused by these fear thoughts, the voice of Love swallows the fear thoughts and transmutes them into love and light and they are released to the stars, moon and sun to be scattered as the magical dust that makes up all of life.

She becomes fully aware that although fear would have her believe she does not have a tribe, that she does not have those whom unconditionally love her, those that support and cheer her on …. Love Knows this NOT to be the Truth. Love Knows.

Wilbur May Team TLC Walk 4.5.17 #6

And so she breathes in a deep and long breath, knowing that all is okay. All will be okay. And she breathes another breath. And she breathes and releases the smoke and mirrors that is fear. And, so it is …

Blessings,
Camilla
See It. Share It. BE IT … Spread Love Everywhere You Go!

Amazing news! My 16 year old daughter, Lillian Darnell’s debut book, “Where Would You Fly and Other Magical Stories” is published. Learn more and order here

Wonderfully exciting news! My 12 year old son, Thomas Darnell‘s book, Biggest Little Photographer is published. Be inspired! Learn more and order here.

Latest Articles:
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