My Entire Life Dissolved

The Dissolution

On Tuesday, 12.3, my entire life dissolved. It simply disappeared like sugar in boiling water. Who I am, who I thought myself to be disintegrated. In my mind’s eye, I could see creations and events literally crumbling. Have you ever had that happen?

Being me, I view this as the only way I know how … As a deeply spiritual experience. And I am grateful to be traveling this path … uncomfortable experiences, and all.

It left this one saturated with confusion and pain. I had been sobbing on and off for the past week, lost in this confusion, attempting to find the way out. Desperately trying to figure out the solution, the way to fix it. I did not want this uninvited guest.

Only a week later did I realize what happened on the previous Tuesday, and chose to use the “love and embrace” practice, everything that arises, everything one finds oneself in the midst of experiencing.

I turned into the confusion and despair with love and welcomed it like a long lost friend. When I woke up the next morning, the feeling of heaviness, confusion, and anxiety of needing to figure out the situation had lifted.

It’s not an easy task to embrace and welcome an uninvited guest, to turn an uninvited guest into an invited guest. Yet, you know what I learned? When we do this the uninvited guest delivers what it came bearing and must depart to remain the uninvited guest.

That was one freaking wild ride. Is it all figured out now? Well, on some level it is. I just don’t consciously know the solution yet. For now, I am at peace being in the space of not knowing …. Oceans of love …. xoxo

P.S. … I understand if this post brings forth feelings of sadness. Although I felt sad in the midst of it, there is no need for sadness on the other side of it .. I consider what happened a deeply spiritual experience and I treasure it. I feel there is incredible wisdom and power within confusion. And when we experience what we thought to be our life and who we are dissolving in our minds eye; it’s the beginning of BEing who we truly are …. At least, that’s what I’m going with! Hahaha!

The Final Straw

An hour or two before this happened, someone close to me and whom I love deeply, said this to me in a passionate conversation ….

“You are just in denial about how much your life sucks.”

My immediate response was that I choose not to view my life in this way. I choose to see all there is for which to be grateful and to enjoy the present moments of life. Even though there are moments when I sink into how restricted I feel by circumstances. I further commented I cannot view it any other way. For, should I choose to see it on a consistent basis as “my life sucks”, I feel that would be giving up on myself ….

However, this one statement was the final straw in bringing forth this spiritual experience. It was needed to open my heart further, needed to show me that there are areas where I still turn away from discomfort; rather than embracing it in all of it’s “sucky” darkness.

I feel this minute or so video touches on what I experienced … 

Blessings,
Camilla
See It. Share It. BE IT … Spread Love Everywhere You Go!

Amazing news! My 17 year old daughter, Lillian Darnell’s debut book, “Where Would You Fly and Other Magical Stories” is published. Learn more and order here

Wonderfully exciting news! My 13 year old son, Thomas Darnell‘s book, Biggest Little Photographer is published. Be inspired! Learn more and order here.

Go here for latest posts.

The Seed of an Idea

Have you ever had your thoughts overflow with an idea of something you feel you’re supposed to be doing? Yet …. The heart whispers, “Not yet, sweet one. Let’s plant that idea. It’s still a seed.”

The idea for “The Alchemy of You – Empowering You from Within” was born as a seed nearly five years ago. A seed of knowing so deep, that I bought the domain name at that same time.

The seed was planted, the root system was formed and then I moved on ….

Until about a month ago, when the seed was no longer. The seed had emerged from the soil of my heart, ready to grow.

Just as with anything that is birthed, I know that the idea in it’s current form, and at some point in the future, is sure to lay to rest or transform into something completely different. So, if you feel moved; reach out to me sooner, rather than later.

“The Alchemy of You – Empowering You from Within” is a mentoring program I soft launched last month by offering 10 gratis sessions. Only 1 gratis session remains.

“I have done 2 sessions with Camilla, and the process has been so healing for me during this tough time I am experiencing. I highly recommend initiating contact with Camilla if you need an alternative way to process the stresses of life. She is empowering and kind!” – Maria Barber, Nevada

“Camilla is a wonderful mentor. I took four sessions with her. She taught me simple techniques to connect with my inner self, and enjoy the present moment. She also helped me cultivate more self-trust, self-love, and peace of mind. What I loved the most about her mentoring sessions was that the answers I was seeking for, came from the heart! I also loved the writing and breathing exercises she shared with me. Thank you Camilla!” Jessica Araus, Netherlands

This mentoring is for anyone who: struggles with self appreciation, struggles with decision making, struggles when triggered by others or one’s own thoughts, or struggles being one’s true self.

Love is at the root of these sessions; helping to melt the frozen barrier surrounding the heart … xoxo

(Photo Credit: Me)

Blessings,
Camilla
See It. Share It. BE IT … Spread Love Everywhere You Go!

Amazing news! My 17 year old daughter, Lillian Darnell’s debut book, “Where Would You Fly and Other Magical Stories” is published. Learn more and order here

Wonderfully exciting news! My 13 year old son, Thomas Darnell‘s book, Biggest Little Photographer is published. Be inspired! Learn more and order here.

Go here for latest posts.

Want to Help Spread the Word – The Alchemy of You

Just over a month ago I soft launched my mentoring program, “The Alchemy of You – Empowering You from Within”. The feedback from participants and internal shifting experienced by participants thus far has been profound and palpable.

I can share on my blog and Facebook until the end of time; yet, the reach is limited. I have a knowing that this is deeply needed by society and for that reason I offer prana pay (pay what you can) for those who feel they would benefit and simply don’t have the resources.

A knowing blossomed within me that the time was now to begin. Even if it meant beginning with one person at a time. It all begins with one person, right?

The time is now to begin an Appreciation Revolution. The time is now to learn the Power of Self Appreciation, thereby opening one’s heart. The time is now to spread and share the Power of Self Appreciation to any who feel called.

Love is at the root of the sessions, speaking, and (un)workshops. By way of learning the Power of Self Appreciation coupled with loving oneself through anything and everything that comes into one’s experience. I like to refer to them as (un)workshops as these aren’t traditional workshops.

I offer one to one online mentoring sessions. These sessions are for one hour, once per week, for 4 consecutive weeks.

In addition, I offer (un)workshops. These can be offered as 4 consecutive, once per week, one hour (un)workshops or an in person 3 hour (un)workshop.

I am also available to speak to groups. If the group is searching for a speaker that not only inspires; but gives the audience empowering and tangible techniques they can begin to use immediately, please reach out to me.

Audience participants will learn techniques for the art of self appreciation and loving oneself through any situation.

These techniques will help in:

* decision making,
* being one’s true self and speaking one’s truth,
* knowing the solutions to situations,
* diffusing internal triggers when they arise, and
* paving the way for more harmonious relationships with loved ones and strangers alike.

I am a speaker who will listen to the audience, who will see the audience, and will leave them feeling appreciative of themselves and more empowered.

If you feel called and inspired to help spread the word, it would be graciously appreciated. Should you feel the need to experience this for yourself before sharing with anyone, just let me know, as that can absolutely be arranged.

Please let me know if you’d like further information or would like to collaborate in some manner should you have a service or product that compliments The Alchemy of You’s Appreciation Revolution.

“Camilla is a wonderful mentor. I took four sessions with her. She taught me simple techniques to connect with my inner self, and enjoy the present moment. She also helped me cultivate more self-trust, self-love, and peace of mind. What I loved the most about her mentoring sessions was that the answers I was seeking for, came from the heart! I also loved the writing and breathing exercises she shared with me. Thank you Camilla!” Jessica Araus, Netherlands

“I have done 2 sessions with Camilla, and the process has been so healing for me during this tough time I am experiencing. I highly recommend initiating contact with Camilla if you need an alternative way to process the stresses of life. She is empowering and kind!” – Maria Barber, Nevada

Blessings,
Camilla
See It. Share It. BE IT … Spread Love Everywhere You Go!

Amazing news! My 17 year old daughter, Lillian Darnell’s debut book, “Where Would You Fly and Other Magical Stories” is published. Learn more and order here

Wonderfully exciting news! My 13 year old son, Thomas Darnell‘s book, Biggest Little Photographer is published. Be inspired! Learn more and order here.

Latest Articles:
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Mentoring Sessions: The Alchemy of You – Empowering You from Within

For the past 20 years I have been on a path of opening my heart. I believe when we focus on opening our own heart, we help in opening the hearts of all.

As I continue to open my heart, I feel the time has come to share what I’ve learned to assist others in this process.

I am soft launching my mentoring sessions, “The Alchemy of You – Empowering You from Within.” During the soft launch I’m offering 10 gratis sessions! Five are taken with 5 remaining.

During a session, client chooses a situation that triggers negative emotions, responses, or uncomfortableness. This could be a situation at work, in a relationship, or something triggered by a complete stranger.

I walk client through connecting with the emotion/feeling to release it and to further open the heart. Love is the root of these sessions.

The sessions are to guide you in changing the way you experience and perceive life from within.

I feel what is holding so many of us back from being our authentic selves and knowing what we want to contribute to the world are these triggers and our response to them.

I like to describe the process I offer as a recipe, and like all recipes the ingredients can be adjusted by the client to suit their “taste”.

Let me know if you’d like to reserve a session! The feedback and forward progress so far have been beautiful! You do not have to be local to Reno. The four reserved slots have been taken by someone in The Netherlands, someone in Mississippi, Reno, and California USA! xoxo

Blessings,
Camilla
See It. Share It. BE IT … Spread Love Everywhere You Go!

Amazing news! My 17 year old daughter, Lillian Darnell’s debut book, “Where Would You Fly and Other Magical Stories” is published. Learn more and order here

Wonderfully exciting news! My 12 year old son, Thomas Darnell‘s book, Biggest Little Photographer is published. Be inspired! Learn more and order here.

Latest Articles:
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May You See the Beauty of the Internal Scars

August 25 2018:

“The thing we surrender to becomes our power.” -Ernest Holmes

This is a LONG post … May the force be with you … And may you enjoy and be inspired by it should you choose to read on …

This poem and subsequent writing was sparked by a phrase within one of Lalita Simon-Creasey’s August 2018, “The Authentic Self Energy Update” via her Soulful Insights page.

A phrase of Lalita’s flew on wings of love and landed in my heart. This was the phrase … “Pull the weeds to plant the seeds.” Thank you Lalita!

May You See the Beauty

Pulling the weeds of internal scars
and planting seeds of Truth, I am.

An instrument of the Divine Universe, I am.
A Universe that knows not of suffering and lack.

Yet, I must come to know for myself
that these are but illusions.

These are the weeds of the internal scars
Carried for this life and past lifetimes.

What to do with these weeds?

Either pull them so as to
plant what is perceived as beautiful

or

Shift the way the weeds are viewed
and see the beauty within the weeds.

Either way will have the desired effect
of seeing through the illusions.

For what matters is the intent behind the action.

In the midst of the illusion,
it feels as if the weeds
will suffocate and extract
the life essence from this body.

It is difficult, this is known.
It does not have to be difficult,
yet, this is the Way few Know.

Yet, one glorious morning;
And sometimes over and over again,
She awakens to discover that he has
indeed been pulling the weeds and
shifting her view.

And the illusion has lifted.

Pulling the weeds of internal scars
and planting seeds of Truth, I am.
©2018, Camilla Downs

*************

Internal Scars

I share this history of myself now as I wish to free my heart and further heal. For I believe when one person moves towards opening of the heart and healing; it heals and opens the heart of others.

I have been raped, choked, bitten on the nose, beat on the hand with a big, clunky cell phone, had things thrown at me, overpowered, and not had my wishes respected in regards to this body.

I have been manipulated, caused to feel I do not matter, emotionally abused, told over and over that I’m stupid and crazy, abandoned, locked in a confined space, made to feel unwelcome and unwanted in my own home, and rejected.

I’ve also dished out my own fair share of manipulation, controlling behavior, and unkind and unloving comments. I have hurt people with my words. I have been untruthful at times.

During my late teens and early twenties I abused this body with psychedelic drugs and booze (about 30 years ago – the late 80’s).

I lived childhood, teenage years, and young adulthood with anger, jealousy, envy, extremely judgmental of others and myself, and deeply disliking myself and my life; never feeling that I was worthy of or deserving of a love filled and kind life.

From my childhood days through to middle age I have lost everything many times over.

I learned at an early age to bury deep the unlovely and unkind experiences of my life. Throughout the past 6-10 years I have been letting them surface, connecting with feelings that I had not let myself feel at the time, telling the child within that she is loved and telling her all of the things she needed to hear as a child, and doing my best to release them to be transmuted … and when possible, to include forgiveness of those involved.

On the surface I harbor no anger towards others for we were all doing the best we could with where we were in our journey thus far. However, there does appear to be bits and pieces of anger and resentment still buried. I am working those to the surface in their due time.

In addition, my body begs me to release this lingering anger and resentment. It continues to speak from the gall bladder/liver area with aches of urging me to connect with and release this sludge.

Although there were some who knew of some of this; no one knew the entirety of it, for I kept it buried deep and hidden for fear of further rejection and abandonment. And somehow I taught myself if I didn’t think about something that happened, I would forget about it and it could not hurt me.

This is the first time I have uttered some of these words “out loud” to anyone.

Yet, there was also this ….

The Seeds of Internal Knowing and Beauty

I have watched the sun rise and the sun set.

I have watched and listened to the meditative ocean waves.

I have walked in the pure soft sand.

I have birthed two precious humans.

I have listened to the soul lifting giggles of these same two precious humans when they were wee infants.

I have grown to know my connection with trees and water.

I have touched, hugged and kissed the trees.

I have let water caress my skin and gently engulf this body.

I have walked barefoot in the smooth and gentle grass.

I have felt the deep warmth of the sun on my face as it sinks into this body.

I have smelled the intoxicating aroma of honeysuckle, lilies, lilac and roses.

I have watched and listened as the wind causes the leaves of the oak tree to dance and create music.

I have listened to the bird song and calls of the robin, the chickadee, the black neck stilt, the duck, the goose, crows, killdeer, and the black-billed magpie.

I have listened to the pop and crackle of a camp fire.

I have smelled the refreshing scent of a pine tree.

I have listened to the croak of a bull frog.

I have watched a mama duck as she patiently guides the young ducklings up and over boulders and tight spaces to the safety of the water.

I have caressed the soft fur of kittens, puppies, guinea pigs, horses, donkeys, llamas, and alpacas.

I have experienced the grace, bliss, and deep silence of new fallen snow.

I have experienced beautiful friendships.

I have felt the gentle and kind touch of others.

I have tasted the invisible wind and plump rain drops.

I have walked bare foot in pure, sparkly, and inviting snow.

These are the Seeds that have and continue to guide me in healing. Alongside other humans who travel the same, yet different, path to Knowing.

I have felt called to share this for more than a year; yet fear of rejection still loomed like a dark storm cloud, threatening to shower me with the perceived consequences of having shared my Truth.

I share now from a place of Love in the Knowing that this will land in front of the person or people who need it. And for those it causes to turn away; that is their own Journey to travel and I have been merely a guidepost should they have been ready.

I had friends along the way who saw the True me. Friends that have stood by me. Some, many, know not of these internal weeds. Yet, they have stuck around as I have slowly revealed the weeds and pulled them to be released to the soil from which they came or transmuted to the Light that is their Truth.

The time has come to pull the remaining weeds and allow them to be exposed to the Light of others. I know I will continue to find and discover weeds as this isn’t a one time deal.

Pulling the weeds of internal scars
and planting seeds of Truth, I am.

****************

The Story Behind the Sharing

About an hour or two after I read Lalita’s daily update I began to write in my journal about something completely unrelated, or so I thought. I was having a free write about how I feel physically and was going to move on to how I feel emotionally and psychologically. I didn’t get past the physical when the previous poured forth.

I share with Lalita’s support and permission as it was sparked from a phrase that came from within her. I love Lalita’s updates as they seem to be so in tune with the journey I travel. I encourage you to have a look and see if they speak to you.

The exchange Lalita and I had after I asked permission to share what had poured forth was nearly indescribable. Two people whose initial responses were kind; although a little less than authentic. Yet, this quickly made way for authentic exchanges.

We were both nearly in tears from having noticed we weren’t speaking our Truth, coming back with Authenticity, connecting with what called for attention and parting having just helped one another pull weeds and plant seeds!! I actually got the benefit of pulling two weeds!

An old childhood wound was one of the weeds. The wound that causes me to feel that I have done something wrong and that I am bad. I was able to soothe that young Camilla and let her know that she had done nothing wrong. That, in fact, she had acted from the heart. And, I was able to do it with Lalita as my witness! I have NEVER done that before. It felt incredible!

The other was the realization of something I had been doing from a place of fear. I was able to see the action would be the same; yet, have a different feeling and outcome when done from a place of love. Amazing, graceful and miraculous even.

If you’re still here after reading this long a** post …. Oceans of love, healthy healing, and warm hugs to you!! xoxo

Blessings,
Camilla
See It. Share It. BE IT … Spread Love Everywhere You Go!

Amazing news! My 17 year old daughter, Lillian Darnell’s debut book, “Where Would You Fly and Other Magical Stories” is published. Learn more and order here

Wonderfully exciting news! My 12 year old son, Thomas Darnell‘s book, Biggest Little Photographer is published. Be inspired! Learn more and order here.

Latest Articles:
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