F is for Flexibility

(Excerpt from my book, “D iz for Different – One Woman’s Journey to Acceptance” – published 2012)

Flexibility, fun and faith . . . that’s a trio I definitely want in my life!

There are times in our lives when fun does not fit in with what’s going on! It’s not possible to always have fun, or find the joy in every situation. However, it is possible to be at peace with the experiences life deals us. To be at peace is to be in a state of acceptance, and be present and attentive in the here and now. Once we have achieved the place of acceptance it is easier to see the joy, humor, and fun in the everyday happenings of life, and ultimately have faith.

With each passing day acceptance becomes easier. I am more attentive and present when Thomas and Lillian are talking to me. I am really listening to what they are saying. Sometimes, I must admit, it is just plain funny! One morning Thomas, Lillian and I had a conversation that each of them are actually aliens from Planet Mercury. They told me they are just here visiting and will have to go back home soon. We had a thirty minute conversation about their home planet. I told them I would miss them so very much when they go back home. They said they would miss me too. After breakfast they began packing for their return voyage back to Mercury. Not your typical Saturday morning breakfast, but we had tons of fun using our imaginations. I choose to stimulate their imaginations instead of discounting what they say. Being able to call upon their imagination is a skill I want them never to lose.

As often as possible, I attempt to create an adventure out of as many minutes, hours and days that I can. It may sound like a lot of work, but really, it doesn’t have to be. Adventure is what one makes it. If we remind ourselves to be flexible and think simplistically, it isn’t hard at all to create adventures. I find great fun in turning a simple task or event (something we are already doing), into an adventure.

Something as simple as going to the library can be made into an adventure by having a scavenger hunt for certain types of books. One day, I had Thomas and Lillian make a list of about five places or things they wanted to see, or find. We had a great time driving around all day to parks and stores finding the items on their lists. We didn’t buy anything, but I marked their success by taking a photo of them in front of the place, or with the item they found (you can see some in the photo gallery).

Being flexible decreases stress, and allows us opportunities to be creative. Flexibility also serves us in releasing our attachment to rigid expectations. When we choose to be flexible rather than rigid, it is much easier to accept change when situations do not turn out as we may have planned.

Flexibility is a characteristic that serves me well as a parent, definitely as a mom to a child with special needs, and in life in general. I am sorry to say that the old Camilla was not a very flexible person. Things had to be done my way, or someone was going to pay! I cringe when I think about how rigid, and inflexible I used to be.

The awakened Camilla has learned the wonderful quality of being flexible. To some, it may seem like indifference when I shrug my shoulders, or turn the other cheek, but through practice, I have learned to be okay with whatever happens.

F is for Fear

I could not let this chapter be complete without mentioning fear. Fear is something that every parent experiences. In fact, everyone has fears. Parents of children with special needs have an entirely different set of fears, and then some, compared to parents of kids who develop typically. Fear is one of the stages we move through when we first learn of our child’s diagnosis. These fears can get the better of us if we are not managing our thoughts in the present moment. For instance, we may take one little comment from a doctor, nurse, parent, or friend, and let our mind run away with it. We fabricate in our mind what the future would be like; what about the next time …next week…next year…from now to when our time here is over? I am not saying we shouldn’t make plans for our family’s future. Make those plans, get everything lined-up, and set in the best way for your child with special needs and their siblings. Just remember not to always play out future events (school, friends, sports, marriage etc.) in your mind.

Learning to have faith in myself, and the decisions I make has absolutely helped me along this journey. Even though I still experience moments, days, and even weeks, when my faith in myself gets weak, I never ever fully lose sight of it. Having a rock solid faith in ourselves, is the foundation for the journey we are traveling.

Tip for the Journey:

Learning to be flexible comes with patience and practice. Choose one situation a week to be flexible about. Then take it to one situation per day. Each morning when you wake up, say to yourself with love and joy, “I choose to be flexible today.”

Developing the habit of having consistent, strong faith in yourself and your choices will only come with time and practice. To battle being your own worst critic, put sticky notes on your mirror, in your purse, in your car, and wherever else you need them, with reminders that you are amazing, you are perfect the way you are, to have faith in yourself, trust your path and trust your intuition. Choose whatever phrases or quotes are meaningful to you and put those on the sticky notes also. It can be hard to keep faith in ourselves; but the more we practice being kind, the quicker we will pull ourselves out of those times when we lose the faith.

Heartfuly Inspired,
Camilla
See It. Share It. BE IT … Spread Love Everywhere You Go!

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Emotions: Feel It

Ever had haunting thoughts that you missed something; that you had all these clues and didn’t put them together? Those thoughts that sweep over you and wrap around you like a dark storm cloud? I share this for anyone who needs it.

These words are like landmarks on a map. Landmarks that lead to a deep peace. The words are doing their work if they bring peace to anyone whose eyes and heart they touch.

Recently I had thoughts that I let something slip through the cracks back in 2006 concerning my daughter*, Lillian. In the midst of some huge life changes** I simply “forgot” something. As I began researching, a heavy feeling came over me. Heavy, dark, and sad, with the feeling I had done something wrong.

Thomas, my son, and Lillian could both sense something was wrong so I went to my room to change clothes. While there I burst into tears and cried with thoughts of how with this one piece of the Lillian puzzle I was right back where I was in 2006. I began to feel guilty and then like a victim and then angry ….. And …..

Then I chose to connect with these feelings. I breathed them in. I didn’t think about why I felt this way. I focused on the way it felt in my body. Heavy and tight. Within minutes the feeling lifted and I was in a peaceful, quiet state.

I realized that for whatever reason, the timing was not right for this path in 2006. I chose not to dwell on why or what if questions. This is now and that doesn’t exist any longer. Something that I would have let carry on for days or weeks in the past (or buried and ignored) was now learned from, felt and processed in half an hour.

Now, I embrace all emotions. They are me. They are us. My thoughts had changed. My perception had changed. I saw it differently. I had just experienced a miracle.

May you let yourself feel what you need to feel, connect with it and have your own miracle today! If you need guidance let me know. So much love to y’all!

Heartfuly Inspired™,
Camilla
See It. Share It. BE IT … Spread Love Everywhere You Go!

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*Lillian is 13 years old and has a chromosome abnormality called 18p-; which means that she is missing a part of the short arm of chromosome #18. Learn more here.

**I separated from my husband in December 2006 and we were divorced in 2007.

You can learn more about this and my journey up through 2010 in the book, “D iz for Different – One Woman’s Journey to Acceptance.”

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Inspired Living: What Does Mindfulness Mean

I quite often toss around the word “mindfulness” on this blog. I sat down today to write a post with tips for mindful parenting. As I began to write, I realized that I had never researched and shared with you what mindfulness really means. I’d like to do that first. Then, I’ll come back to writing the mindful parenting post.

First, let’s see what you think about mindfulness. Does it bring up negative or positive feelings, or neither? Take a minute or two to write down what comes to mind when you hear the word, “mindfulness”. Then, read the research I’ve shared and see if your view changes or stays the same.

Mindfulness has its origin in ancient meditation practices. According to Dictionary.com the term mindful originated in late Middle English around 1375 and is defined as being attentive or aware. Before that, in 1200, was a now obsolete term of mindiness. It’s not clear from researching online, but the term mindfulness seems to have been translated from the Pali word of sati which literally means “memory” and from the Sanskrit word of smrti which means “that which is remembered”.

According to The Greater Good Science Center at the University of California, Berkeley: “Mindfulness means maintaining a moment-by-moment awareness of our thoughts, feelings, bodily sensations, and surrounding environment.”

Jon Kabat-Zinn launched the Mindfulness Based Stress-Reduction Program (MBSR) at the University of Massachusetts Medical School in 1979. Per The Greater Good Science Center, since that time, thousands of studies have documented the physical and mental health benefits of mindfulness in general and MBSR in particular.

Here’s a two minute clip of Kabat-Zinn describing mindfulness.

Now that we’ve got an idea of what people mean when they use the word “mindfulness”, what does it mean to be mindful? Here are a few examples:

  • When washing the dishes, bring your thoughts to what you’re doing. This one is difficult for me, but I still try to do it! Think about how the water feels on your hands, how the dish feels, the smell of the soap, the sound of the water. What are you feeling in this moment?
  • When preparing dinner focus on each step. If you’re cutting vegetables, put your awareness on the sound, feel, and sound of the knife cutting and chopping. What are you feeling in this moment?
  • Another I struggle with …. When someone is talking to you (in my case, one of my kids, Thomas or Lillian), focus on that person. Look into the person’s eyes (or near the eyes) and really hear each word they say. Try not to think about what you’ll be cooking for dinner, where you’ll get the money to pay that unexpected bill, or what’s gonna happen next in the show you’re watching or the book you’re reading. Sending the person love while listening helps to stay focused on listening to what is being shared.

Matthew Tull, PhD shares on About Health’s PTSD website 4 skills of mindfulness. They each require practice. Briefly described here:

  • Awareness: Focus your attention on one thing at a time.
  • Nonjudgmental/Nonevaluative observation: Look at your experiences in a nonjudgmental way. Don’t label as “good” or “bad”.
  • Being in the Present Moment: Don’t get caught up in thoughts about the past. Be an active participant in experiences rather than simply going through the motions.
  • Beginner’s Mind:  Be open to new possibilities and observe things as they truly are, as opposed to what you think about it.

The Greater Good website has a wonderful mindfulness quiz. It only takes about 2-5 minutes to complete. Once you’re done you’ll find out just how mindful you are and get suggestions for how to increase mindfulness. Go here ⇉ Greater Good Mindfulness Quiz for the quiz.

Here are my results:

“Your mindfulness score is 64 out of 100, suggesting you have a moderate tendency to practice mindfulness. This score reflects two key components of mindfulness: your moment-to-moment awareness of your thoughts, feelings, and environment, as well as your acceptance of these aspects of your life.

Your score suggests you sometimes feel accepting and non-judgmental toward yourself, which means that you allow yourself to experience a range of thoughts and feelings, even if they’re upsetting or challenging at times. You don’t always believe there’s a “right” or “wrong” way to think or feel in a given moment. However, you still occasionally seem to be self-critical, which can make you feel defensive, anxious, or sad.

Also, you’re not always able to focus your awareness on the situation at hand; you’re sometimes preoccupied with the past or worried about the future. When you do maintain this focus, you may notice that you’re more open and inquisitive and can savor being in-the-moment.

Research suggests you can cultivate more acceptance by practicing loving-kindness meditations that encourage you to be more compassionate toward yourself.”

Psychology Today has a great list of 6 mindfulness exercises that take less than a minute. Perfect for the person just getting started and who may feel there’s just no time for longer exercises. This article titled, Mindfulness in Everyday Activity, from National Federation of the Blind lists a great exercise with a cup of tea and gives a few more mindfulness details and how it helps with stress.

Also, I just picked up a book from the library titled, 10 Mindful Minutes, by Goldie Hawn. Can’t wait to dive in and start reading it! Seems like it will have some useful information. I’ll write a review of it when I’m finished.

What I find useful about this are the examples of exercises and the mindfulness quiz. What do you think? Will you try any of these or do you have your own tips? Do you have any other thoughts or questions about mindfulness?

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Heartfuly Inspired™,
Camilla
See It. Share It. BE IT … Spread Love Everywhere You Go!

Go here to subscribe to my blog to ensure you receive new posts delivered straight to your inbox!

My next newsletter is going out the week of October 20th! The newsletter will contain four basic sections with a short introduction. They are:

  • Mindful Minute – A quote, thought, or mini-exercise to inspire you, spark an “aha” moment, or to ignite your creativity.
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