July 24 2020
I’ve lived nearly all my life in fear of speaking up, speaking out for this reason. I’m done with it. My heart cracked open on May 25th and I will be silent no longer. Thank you to AOC for this powerful speech.
I grew up with a low self esteem instilled in me, thinking I was stupid, and that I did everything wrong. I’m still finding my footing. There are still things I don’t post, or speak up about.
I remember feeling similar when I began to post deep, spiritual content. I feared being thought of as crazy. I walked into that fear, and I’m still alive! Ha!
Now, I fear those who will shame me for what I say or share, or who will spew anger my direction. All of that stems from my childhood. I’m ready to walk into that fear. I know I’m not alone and I know I will not die from sharing my opinions, my views, and I will not die from being called a crazy woman. My ex-husband called me that enough times, my immunity is in tact.
It’s safe to say, I’ve had many unpleasant experiences. However, they’ve helped shape my heart and soul. That, and the last 15 years of deep diving to heal, have paved the way to trust myself, and to openly share my thoughts and opinions.
We don’t always have to be eloquent with our words. I rather like using the word fuck. It helps to channel the intense energy. Wait until you hit 50. Any remaining fucks will be on their way out the door!
When Lillian was 5 or 6 years old, I used to tell her that her differences would be to her advantage, that she could use her differences to stand out and for her benefit. I don’t know if she remembers any of this, but, I do know that she seems to have no fear in announcing to the world things about herself.
I feel I’m very strong in the areas of advocating for my kids, and certain areas for myself. Where I would like to improve is that I am incredibly thin skinned when it comes to criticism and being in the midst of confrontation and arguing. I’m aware that this comes from childhood and think the only way it will improve is for me is to walk into it. I’m game!
Now, I’ve been known to act crazy. That’s for sure. Seriously, though, from my experience, whenever someone resorts to “You’re crazy”, it’s because they don’t want to engage in a conversation, and in some cases gaslighting is involved.
**Update – November 29 2021** I have definitely improved with my ability to say “No”, to speak up for myself. One area I still continue to work, is not being concerned of what others think or say about content that I write, or other’s content that I share.
See It. Share It. BE IT … Spread Love Everywhere You Go!
“Words of Alchemy”, published December 2019, is a free-verse poetry memoir covering the last 6 years of my life. The poetry of nature, the poetry of healing, the poetry of appreciation, the poetry of love, in one beautiful book.