Why I Choose to Walk Into Darkness

**THROWBACK POST with an Update**

February 13 2015:

“Until your knees finally hit the floor, you’re just playing at life, and on some level you’re scared because you know that you’re just playing. The moment of surrender is not when life is over. It’s when life begins.” -Marianne Williamson

Camilla's Vision Board 2015
(2015 Vision Board with Meditation as a theme word for the year)

The year 2014 was a year of the knees slowly hitting the floor, culminating with a smack down slamming of those knees the last three months of 2014. Deep fears and negative emotions were faced and released like never before.

I began January 2015 with an intent to focus on meditation and love and have stuck to that. I knew that the solutions and answers were inside of me and no where else. I’m nearing the end of a 3 week intensive meditation exercise of meditating for an hour and a half every day.

A miracle has happened as I’ve been opening a heart that went into hiding as a young girl. Love is indeed a magical charm! Meditate on. Love on. xoxo

Thomas and Camilla January 2017 Date Day Part 2 1.31.17 #4

**Update** March 1 2017:  Just when I thought that 2014 was the culmination of the knees hitting the floor! There was more and deeper work to be done. Definitely not because it is fun. I had been harboring deeply buried hurts, pain, anger, and guilt from my childhood. I am currently in the fourth week of an intense five session reflexology and energy work course.

It has been literally kicking my butt. Seriously, physically painful …. Like, I thought I was dying two weekends ago. Holy heck! What webs we weave to not feel uncomfortable feelings.

Yet, absolutely, totally, amazingly, and miraculously freeing … FREEDOM. I have chosen to walk into the fear of my past, my personal shadows and darkness. So as to live my life from each and every present moment; rather than reacting from the past. And, thereby creating my future from the present moments and NOT from the past.

YES!

Meditation is like drinking water for me. It is simply something that is vital to my well being.

I still meditate about four to five mornings a week between twenty to sixty minutes a session.

Blessings,

Camilla
See It. Share It. BE IT … Spread Love Everywhere You Go!

Wonderfully exciting news! My 10 year old son, Thomas Darnell‘s book, Biggest Little Photographer has arrived. Be inspired! Learn more and order here.

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Why I Meditate and Journal Write

Meditating and Asking

This morning during meditation and prayer, I expressed that I was ready to release certain aspects of my life. As I was ready to face whatever needed to arise and be embraced.

During journal writing, I asked, “What am I to focus my attention on today?”

Basically, the answer that came forth was to focus on being present in each moment. That I am to give each person I am with my undivided attention. Also, that I am to fill my heart with love and send that to each person with whom I speak. And that the overall focus of the day was to listen, with the word of the day being … LISTEN.

Receiving

Not too long after the above, one unwanted action by Thomas towards Lillian, eventually erupted into full blown “disturbance of the peace”. The peace of our humble abode.

I felt my lower self hook into the unkindness being exchanged between Thomas and Lillian. Thoughts of, “Why does this have to happen? Why does this arise and ruin the quiet of the morning? Why …. ?”

There was much yelling, door slamming, and unkind words being thrown about. I remained to the side until I allowed that hook to pull me in and add my own string of profanities and demands into the mix.

Thomas chose to go for a walk; which was a wonderful choice to make in that moment. Shortly after that, something within switched and the thought, “Have you acknowledged how Lillian feels?” Did you LISTEN?

Ah, yes. Not just acknowledging with words, but with love and understanding. Did I listen? Well, crap! I did neither of those.

And, then … I did …..

And Lillian and I had a meaningful and healing conversation. One in which we talked about closed hearts, hearts turned cold and turned to stone, and the opening and thawing of said hearts.

When Thomas returned from his walk, Lillian had not fully released the hook of, “I need to get you back for what you did.” In other words, revenge. You did this to me and now I must do this to you.

This is a painful trigger for me. Not a trigger that causes anger or similar feelings to arise. A trigger of resisting, pushing against others need for this. I used to have this same need. I no longer do and it causes my whole being to wilt in the presence of it.

This is one of the reasons I teach and model for them to “let it go”, to not respond from the lower self, and that an argument cannot continue if one person refuses to engage in the argument.

I made it clear in the most peaceful way possible that I would not allow this “revenge” by way of hitting or scratching. After much going back and forth, the matter was resolved with the two of them throwing a pillow back and forth to one another.

This entire episode lasted about an hour and a half to two hours. After this, and after everyone was calm and back to themselves, I went for a walk in the drizzling rain.

As I approached a tree, I felt the need to look up. This is what I saw and the message I received:

Tree Cradling Sun Cloudy Day Vintage Walk 2.7.17

I’ve got you.

You are never alone.

I am always here supporting you.

Further, as I was walking, I remembered what I had asked for in meditation and prayer and the journal message.

Realizing You Have Received

Aha! I see now. Yes, yes. So I spent much time filling my heart with gratitude for having experienced what I asked to experience and face.

In order that I may continue on this path I have chosen to travel ….

Blessings,

Camilla
See It. Share It. BE IT … Spread Love Everywhere You Go!

Wonderfully exciting news! My 10 year old son, Thomas Darnell‘s book, Biggest Little Photographer has arrived. Be inspired! Learn more and order here.

Latest Articles:

How to Be Peaceful

August Date Day with Thomas 9.6.16 #9

My life experience has taught the following for being peaceful:

  1. Meditation
  2. Intention to be peaceful
  3. Mindfully responding
  4. Nature

Meditation is at the core of being peaceful. I meditate between three to six days a week. My meditation practice is a mixture of different methods; which became much deeper and became more meaningful after I read, studied, and implemented the practices in the book, “Meditation for the Love of It” by Sally Kempton.

On November 9, 2016 I spoke on a parent panel at UNR to students in the medical field. The class is titled Serving Individuals with Disabilities and their Families.

I may falter at times, yet I will continue to do this. I will continue to live from my heart. Living from my heart means sharing my experience and point of view. Additionally, it means I will continue to meet anything that is the opposite of love with love and peace.

I will continue to spread love, compassion, and non-judgment as that’s the only way I know how to BE anymore. I may not always succeed at remaining peaceful, yet I know I did not come here to have an aggressive, hateful, and negative experience.

Even when I encounter others who have everything but kindness to share with me, I will leave my ego and mind and be in my heart. I will see past that person’s ego and see who they truly are. I will not argue. I will not go there.

I have two kids who watch how I react and how I show up in the world. I know that my words are meaningless without the living of those words.

The Monday before I spoke on the panel, I presented a “Peace Lesson” to a group of 4th-6th grade students. The first question I asked them after we defined peace was this: “Where do you think we find peace?” …

Only two students offered to answer. One said, “In a sanctuary”. I agreed with him that a sanctuary could certainly be a peaceful place. The other. The other. She knew. Her answer … “In our heart.” That wonderful girl read my heart …

Walk with Lillian Vintage Lake 11.14.16 #4

So … How to Be Peaceful:

I shared with the students that peace does not begin with “the other”. “BE the change we wish to see in this world” is not an empty meaningless quote for me. BEing the change does not start only after another person changes. We cannot force others to be peaceful.

One other suggestion I shared with the kids: When someone wraps a beautiful package and offers to give it to you as a gift, and you decline to accept that gift; who is the owner of that gift? The gift remains with the person who tried to give it to you.

What if you considered unkind comments from others as a gift they were attempting to give you? And you decided not to accept that gift? The gift would remain with that person.

I have taught Thomas and Lillian to respond to unkind comments with silence, or “Is that so?”, or “Okay” and to walk away. It truly, truly does not matter if that person thinks they are right. What matters is what you know in your heart and how you live and BE.

I gave an example from my own life. A couple of years ago, I was sitting next to someone who had been an everyday part of my life for ten years, someone I trusted and loved. That person chose to say over and over many unkind comments to me.

I finally turned to the person and said, “You know what? You are right about that. And you know what else? I have nothing but love to share with others and I will not argue. And, I am deeply sorry that you feel so unloved.”

Obviously, I didn’t and don’t agree that this person was right. I simply let him relax into the feeling that his ego so desperately needed. After that the “conversation” ended.

I do not mean to say that we ignore when we feel worry, anxiety, and fear. Absolutely NOT. FEEL those feelings, physically feel them. This does mean to dwell on the reason for the feelings. That will not have the desired affect. Focus on how it physically feels. Sit with them. No matter how painful. Cry a river of tears if that’s needed.

For when we let ourselves physically feel these emotions, we then, and only then, will release them. Go stand barefoot in the grass, dirt, sand, or rocks and let Nature help you uncover the peace that is within you.

It is truly magical. Oceans of love and hugs to everyone … xoxoxo

*This does indeed take practice. I have been practicing for years .. and I still falter at times. Most of us are going against how it is ingrained in us to respond. Additionally, this is the way I have chosen to be peaceful. It may not be the way you choose to do it. 

Blessings,

Camilla
See It. Share It. BE IT … Spread Love Everywhere You Go!

Wonderfully exciting news! My 10 year old son, Thomas Darnell‘s book, Biggest Little Photographer has arrived. Be inspired! Learn more and order here.

Latest Articles:

Angel at the Farmer’s Market

(Every once in a while I receive a nudge to write in third person. This is another of those times.)

IMG_3518.JPG

She had been dealing with a headache for 3 days now. She felt as if her body, inside and out, was covered in a thick and sticky sludge. A sludge full of all the reasons why she is wrong, inadequate, a loser, and a downright horrible person.

She thought back to the dream she had two weeks ago. She could not get away from a giant sink hole. Everywhere she went, this sink hole followed! One minute she’d be free of it and then she would purposely re-enter the force of it’s pull. She knew this was not just a random dream. The sink hole was a metaphor for how she’d been feeling about her life these past few weeks.

Then she was brought back to the present when she received a message from a friend that landed on a heart that she’d been slapping around and wringing like a sponge. It was exactly what her heart needed to hear and was the perfect message for her to receive in that moment. The divine message: “I love your positiveness and your love of life and love. You are a true inspiration to me.”

After dinner she went for a walk as she had missed her morning walk. It was an incredibly beautiful evening with magical clouds decorating the sky. She felt light and at peace. She smiled at the adults, kids, and people she passed. She spoke with them. She shared love with Gus, the dog. What a happy fellow he is. She felt like a streak of joy passing by everyone with brief stops to share with one another. Peace was with her through the rest of the night.

While sleeping that night she dreamed she was trapped in a house that kept creating sabotage after sabotage. She finally escaped only to re-enter the house as she had left something inside. At this point she woke up and she knew once again that this was a metaphor.

During her morning meditation she focused on connecting with and releasing this sludge. Memories of being trapped as a child came to her. She decided that it’s time to clear her heart and soul of this sludge, return it to the ether. It’s no longer hers, she no longer needs it.

“The memories of the past are not part of the present moment,” she told herself. “I am not trapped. I am free. Free to live this life in peace and joy and free to release suffering. It’s time to let it go and let the light shine throughout my heart and soul. It’s time to have a heart and soul cleansing. A cleansing that will take with it the amnesia that has smothered the knowing of who ‘I Am'”.

She felt wonderful after meditation. She got everyone’s breakfast ready and went for her morning walk before taking her son to camp. It was a quiet, still, reflective morning.

After taking her son to camp she stopped by the Farmer’s Market to get a couple of fresh tomatoes. She walked right up to the stand she knew she wanted to visit. The wonderful farmer greeted her with a smile and compliments about her smile and outfit. She told him he could pick out two tomatoes for her, one for eating today and the other for tomorrow or the next day.

Tomatoes June 21 2016

She wrote a check as she had no cash on her. He looked at her name and tried pronouncing her first name. She let him know how to pronounce it correctly and he said both her first and last name out loud. He said, “That’s a special name. You should write poetry or be a writer of some type.” She looked at him, smiled, and with a warm heart said, “I am.”

They said goodbye and told each other to have a great day. And she left having just received a message, an answer to that for which she daily prays and meditates.

You’ll never receive answers if you aren’t expecting them. Ask for them. Expect them. You just may meet an Angel at the Farmer’s Market.

Blessings,
Camilla
See It. Share It. BE IT … Spread Love Everywhere You Go!

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