The Gallery of Me – Monday Night Poetry

Posted on October 23, 2023 by Camilla

October 23 2023

Monday Night Poetry. Beautiful people. 🖤🖤🖤

I shared a work-in-progress.

The Gallery of Me

As you enter the gallery of my heart
Tread lightly
Viewing the exhibits with
An open mind and heart

Leaving judgments and criticisms
At the door
You are welcome to retrieve
Them upon your exit
And you are welcome to leave
Them behind to be discarded
With the trash and nonsense that
The gallery routinely ejects.

Let’s cleanse the senses before entering
Close your eyes
Take a deep breath
Inhale the scent of this lemon
Touch your legs and your arms
Run your tongue along your teeth
Listen to the sounds in the room

Now step into the gallery.

Observing the first exhibit

You see what looks and smells
Like an apple pie
You pick it up
Sensing the sweet heaviness
Of apples, sugar, and flour
You look underneath the apple pie
And see and feel the discomfort
Of not being listened to
Ignored, mistreated, misunderstood,
You sense the longing of wanting
To fit in, to be liked.

You are looking at my childhood
A time of unbounded joy
Pure innocence

Intermingled with deep sorrow and trauma
You see a young girl who learned
How to dissociate
How to figure things out for herself
How to navigate her young life
Minus the emotional support of the adults around her
You see boundaries violated
A young girl who felt like she had no one
No one who understood and knew her true self

Moving on to the next exhibit

You see a field of honeysuckle vines and wildflowers
The scent is sweet and wild
Beyond the field you see
A dark tree-filled woods
mysterious with an air of loneliness

You are observing my teenage and young adult years

A time of wildness
experimenting,
Heartbreak
Violation of this body
Confusion
Escape
Living life from a mixture of my
Neurospicy mind co-mingled with trauma
Of my childhood and teenage years
Yet, not knowing this was how
I was living and responding to life.

Moving on to the last exhibit

You see a wildly colorful caterpillar
As it moves through all stages of
Transforming into a magnificent butterfly

You are observing
My adult life

A time of love,
Or what she thought was love,
Birthing
Loss
Grief
Struggle
Despair
Hope
Awakening
Knowledge
Discovery
Diagnoses
Growth
Healing

Finally learning who I am
Working through the trauma
Releasing it’s silent, yet destructive grip
On my mind and heart

Setting boundaries
Speaking the fuck up when moved
Embracing my
Neuro-differences
And my romantic attraction preferences

Enjoying these last
Moments with my youngest
As they prepare to create
The next exhibit of their own life.

May you tread lightly
As you exit the gallery of my heart
And may you continue to fine tune
And create the exhibits of your own heart.

2023 Camilla Downs

Photos by and facilitated by @sidewayseightprojects and @mondaynightpoetry

*** I often write about my childhood, and many times it sounds unlovely. There were absolutely fun and carefree times, too. I have written about those. I write what is currently in my heart and mind. And absolutely none of what I write should be received in a disparaging way towards my parents. I love them very much and know they were doing the best they could. ❤️❤️❤️

Poetry: Water Dance and The Space Within and Shining Star Bag

Posted on October 13, 2023 by Camilla

September 24 2023

Monday Night Poetry! I read some oldies, plus a work-in-progress. I’m not ready to share the WIP yet so here’s the oldies.

Water Dance

As the suns reflection
Becomes a dancer
Of the water,
She takes by the hand
the one who walks.

She whispers sweet reminders,
To the walkers heart.

She dances elegantly.
She dances of love and grace.
She dances unknown
To many who see her
Only with the eyes.

For those that catch
Glimpses of her water dance
Life loses the illusions
of trickery.

She dances to
Guide them in
Remembering what
Their hearts continue
To know.

She reminds them
They are all different.
Yet, they are all the same.
We are they.
They are we.

The hand she
Took the walker by
Melts into the Sun.
The Sun swallows her
And she swallows the Sun.
They become One.

The one who walks
continues her
Walk of life
Having been reminded
Of what the brain had clouded.
Yet.
What the heart always knows.
And lo, free and lighter, she continues to Walk.
-©️2018, Camilla Downs

The Space Within

There is a space within
A space occupied, it was.

Occupied with judgment
Occupied with harshness
Occupied with unkind thoughts
towards others.

There is a space within
where the darkness
of judgment used to live.

Judgment lives
here no more.
Evicted.
It has been.

There is a space within.

A soft space of love
of compassion
of empathy
of understanding.

For a journey
of a thousand miles has
been lived with
the understanding
that each one of us
has traveled a similar journey.

To be sure,
not the same journey.
No, not the same.
That matters not.

Each has traveled a journey
of a thousand miles.

And each viewed not
according to their journey,
yet viewed with eyes
that flow from the heart.

A heart that knows the two
are connected,
viewed with eyes flowing
from the heart that only
knows unconditional love.

Eyes wide open to
the Truth of each one’s journey.

The Truth that judgment of another is
simply a reflection of judgment
held within one towards oneself.

There is a space within,
a space that was once filled with
the darkness of judgment.

A space that is now
available for compassion
and love for one self and others.

Space to breath easier
Space to live easier
space to live peacefully
Space to allow all to BE
and travel the paths chosen.

There’s a space within.
A Beautiful Space.

May we all release
and expose this space within
for the Beauty it reveals.
-2018 Camilla Downs

This poem flowed forth from the below words I had written at a different time regarding judgments and compassion. For some reason I saved them. Now, I know why.

” ……. The space within me that held the weight of so many judgments …

Judgments against people who thought and felt differently, judgments against single moms, judgments against parents whose kids act out and the kids too.

Every single time one of those judgments was released, a cushion of compassion took its place. There are still some wee judgments hiding in there.

Some that stay hidden and some that peek out to see if its safe. Within me is not a safe zone for judgments … You are released and a warm, soft, loving cushion of compassion takes your place.”

Shining Star Bag

You can take
All the hearts
Nature puts forth

And put them
All in a bag
Made of stars
Wrapped in a
Bow of beautiful
Green grass.

But there’ll be
Days when no
Matter the beauty
No matter the love
No matter the
Depth of knowing
How the Light
Shines within.

There’ll be days
When a heaviness
Envelops and that
Shining star bag
Full of love means.

Absolutely nothing.

There’ll be days
When the sweetness
And beauty of
Every breath
Is not felt or seen.

Yet, these days
Shall pass.
These days
Shall pass.

Pass, they shall.
And waiting will
Be that shining star
Bag of hearts
And love.

For Nature is
Patient.
Nature is ever there
With love and light.

Love,
The Seed Pod
xoxo
-2017 Lessons from Nature

The Number 18 – Monday Night Poetry

Posted on September 10, 2023 by Camilla

July 25 2023

Monday Night Poetry last night was so deeply moving. I am captivated and inspired by these beautiful people. I hugged, I laughed, I smiled, and I cried. That’s some amazing poetry (and people) that does that to you.

Since July is Pride Disability Month, I read the 2019 poem I wrote to Lillian when she turned 18 years old. Then I read some of Lillian’s poetry and I read a poem written by our 18p- friend, Hannah Belsterling from Oregon, titled Different Type of Heroes.

The Number 18

Today is your 18th Birthday.
Lillian Paige Darnell is 18 years old today.

I can still see you in my mind’s eye
as a wee 4 pound sweetheart
as I wondered and dreamed
about your journey to adulthood.

Wow! Did we take giant
twists and turns,
paths less traveled.

Little did I know as I snuggled
you close, sang to you (sorry about that),
and read, read, read to you;
that the number 18 would come
to be a powerful number for you,
for us, in more ways than we could imagine.

When you were 3 years old,
As we sat eating dinner,
As the phone rang,
As the pediatrician delivered
news – 18p-, she said,
missing the short arm of
chromosome 18, she said –
that rendered me speechless,
with tears sliding down my face
into a dinner I could no longer eat.

Little did I know at the time
that this was not the horrible
news I assumed it to be.

Oh, yes. Life changing, for sure.
Yet, not in the way my mind
led me to believe in those first few weeks.

There is no way on this Earth
I could have foreseen how
life changing this would be for me.

Life changing for me so as to
let you be who you came here to be.
For that to happen unconditionally
and organically, I had much learning to do.

Not just learning about genetics,
chromosomes, DNA,
and the effects of deletions of genes.
That was the small stuff compared to
the enormity of the path that lie ahead.

As you step into adulthood on this day
It is my deepest hope that
I have made more decisions for
the highest good, than not.

It is my deepest hope that the times when I have
remembered to share and be unconditional love
stand out and far outweigh the times when
I have not been at my best.

May the wishes you wish come true.
May the dreams you dream become reality.
May the sunshine light your way ever more.
May the moon teach you its secrets.
May the birdsong always sing sweet melodies to your heart.

May you step into adulthood
with iridescent rose gold fairy
wings of the highest and brightest
as you take flight on the next
greatest adventure of your life.

I love you
I honor you
I respect you
I am grateful for all that you
have taught and continue to teach me.

You are You
And You Are Perfect!