July 16 2023
Captivated by the clouds this morning.
July 17 2023
Stunning clouds during this morning’s walk.
July 29 2023
Clouds. This morning to this afternoon.
Category Archives: Poetry and Photography
The Number 18 – Monday Night Poetry
July 25 2023
Monday Night Poetry last night was so deeply moving. I am captivated and inspired by these beautiful people. I hugged, I laughed, I smiled, and I cried. That’s some amazing poetry (and people) that does that to you.
Since July is Pride Disability Month, I read the 2019 poem I wrote to Lillian when she turned 18 years old. Then I read some of Lillian’s poetry and I read a poem written by our 18p- friend, Hannah Belsterling from Oregon, titled Different Type of Heroes.
The Number 18
Today is your 18th Birthday.
Lillian Paige Darnell is 18 years old today.
I can still see you in my mind’s eye
as a wee 4 pound sweetheart
as I wondered and dreamed
about your journey to adulthood.
Wow! Did we take giant
twists and turns,
paths less traveled.
Little did I know as I snuggled
you close, sang to you (sorry about that),
and read, read, read to you;
that the number 18 would come
to be a powerful number for you,
for us, in more ways than we could imagine.
When you were 3 years old,
As we sat eating dinner,
As the phone rang,
As the pediatrician delivered
news – 18p-, she said,
missing the short arm of
chromosome 18, she said –
that rendered me speechless,
with tears sliding down my face
into a dinner I could no longer eat.
Little did I know at the time
that this was not the horrible
news I assumed it to be.
Oh, yes. Life changing, for sure.
Yet, not in the way my mind
led me to believe in those first few weeks.
There is no way on this Earth
I could have foreseen how
life changing this would be for me.
Life changing for me so as to
let you be who you came here to be.
For that to happen unconditionally
and organically, I had much learning to do.
Not just learning about genetics,
chromosomes, DNA,
and the effects of deletions of genes.
That was the small stuff compared to
the enormity of the path that lie ahead.
As you step into adulthood on this day
It is my deepest hope that
I have made more decisions for
the highest good, than not.
It is my deepest hope that the times when I have
remembered to share and be unconditional love
stand out and far outweigh the times when
I have not been at my best.
May the wishes you wish come true.
May the dreams you dream become reality.
May the sunshine light your way ever more.
May the moon teach you its secrets.
May the birdsong always sing sweet melodies to your heart.
May you step into adulthood
with iridescent rose gold fairy
wings of the highest and brightest
as you take flight on the next
greatest adventure of your life.
I love you
I honor you
I respect you
I am grateful for all that you
have taught and continue to teach me.
You are You
And You Are Perfect!
Love,
Camilla
Mom – ©Camilla Downs
Group photo & photos of poets by: @mondaynightpoetrynv
Poetry: The Garden of My Mind
July 4 2023
Last night was so much fun! The poetry workshop before the event was powerful! Thanks to Brennan Defrisco and his lovely partner. For my non-local friends, every July is designated as Artown by Reno. A full month of celebrating local artists. 🎉🎉🎉
Last night’s theme was “in my garden”. Here’s the poem I shared.
The Garden of My Mind
Wildflowers sprouting from every fold and groove
Each wildflower overflowing with ideas
Sharp
Heavy
Red Hot
Booming
At times the heartache doesn’t want to leave
Clinging to the familiar
The Garden of My Mind
Calm
Chaotic
Mysterious, Wild, Confused
Difficult to contain excitement
Loving those dopamine hits
Lit by listening to good music
Working on this
Oh, wait, I need to finish this
Wait, I need to start that
Wait, I need to run that errand
Okay. Working on this again
Crap! What’s that burning smell?
Damn. Forgot I put toast in the toaster. Every freakin’ time!
Saying nasty things to myself
Saying sweet, good things to myself
In the past, never knowing who this person
Named Camilla really is
The Garden of My Mind
The Neurodivergent Mind
The Traumatized Mind
In the present, learning who this person
Named Camilla really is
It’s beautiful
It’s fickle
Blowing with the winds of the present moment
Healing from childhood trauma
Memories of something horrible
Done to her as a young child
Which led to teen and adult trauma
Becoming what was later coined as
#Metoo
Learning at an early age
To dissociate when horrible things
Were happening to the body
A mind now processing
Healing from such horrid happenings.
A mind experiencing freedom
Like never before
Freedom like when she was a teen, a young adult
Minus the drugs and alcohol
A wilding of the mind
Learning how to be kind to herself
Learning how to let the mind
And she, be the shiny, weird, quirky, wild, chaotic
Human she came here to be.
The Garden of My Mind
A magical, colorful, place of sticky ideas
Some wild, some amazing, some nonsensical
Yet always lovely and fragrant.
The heartache becoming
Lighter
Softer
Cooler
Letting go
It’s never too late to take
A stroll, stay a while, and weed
The garden of our minds.
2023 Camilla Downs
Feeling Good While Waiting
June 26 2023
Waiting, waiting, and waiting.
As this view holds my attention
As the birds sing their morning song
As the blue sky covers me
As a light breeze dances through the window
As life blows me away
I feel good.
A Walk to Open the Heart
June 25 2023
Let your hair down
Open your heart
Feel the breeze
Meet life in this moment.
Yesterday morning’s walk. ❤️❤️❤️
A Lovely Day With Wild Beauty
June 11 2023
It’s wild looking out there right now. 😱
June 17 2023
The beauty of the morning’s walk. It’s a lovely day. 🖤💋🖤
Amazing Clouds With Shadows of Rock Love
June 1 2023
Amazing clouds in the walk last night. 💙🤍💙
June 2 2023
Shadows and rock love from this morning’s walk. 🖤🖤🖤
Vibrant and Gorgeous Colors
June 10 2023
This morning’s walk. There are so many vibrant colors. Gorgeous. 🤍🤍🤍
Wild Flower – New Poetry
June 5 2023
I went again. I absolutely adore this group of people. The poems shared were powerful, meaningful, and passionate.
I shared a new poem, written today.
Wild Flower
As a young girl she loved music,
moving her body to the beat
With her record player and 45’s
She was a Dancing Queen.
Music made everything better
The discomfort of Life melted
Leaving only the beat and lyrics.
She feels the beat, the words,
in her heart, her soul, her bones.
As a child and teen,
Soul Train, Solid Gold,
American Bandstand
Were her Saturdays.
Dreams of being a Solid Gold dancer, Being a Rockette.
She assumed these dreams to be out of reach.
As it went, as she got older,
Life took it’s twists and turns
With dreams of becoming a dancer unrealized.
As she became an adult, married, had kids
She hid that part of herself
Rarely dancing.
2023 has brought an emergence
After 8 years of withdrawing from Society,
Refraining from being social,
She says, No longer.
Fuck that!
I’m dancing.
I’m dancing when I go for walks.
I’m dancing when I’m in the grocery store.
I’m dancing in my seat while driving.
I’m dancing while working.
I’m dancing while at the gym.
I’m dancing while making out.
I’m letting the music, the beat, the words
Move my gypsy, Pisces soul
As I float into the mystic.
I’m here to let the Wild Flower Within,
bloom,
sharing my scent,
My colors, my vibrance with all I encounter.
Let’s put on our Boogie Shoes
And do it all night long
Let’s Dance!
-2023 Camilla Downs
Group photo from last night. Beautiful people. ❤️❤️❤️
New Poetry: She Emerges
May 29 2023
I attended the Spoken Views Live Poetry Night tonight. Second time and this time I read a poem I wrote today. I freaking, absolutely LOVE this group of people. This is my new Monday night jam!
Photo of me on stage, a photo with the two people who welcomed me last Monday, Mountain and Marleta, and two photos of my new shirt (which I LOVE!!!)
Here’s the poem I read:
She Emerges
It’s been 15 years.
The amount of time it takes
For one to blossom from infant to teenager.
During those 15 years
She dove deep
Exploring her inner world
Drawing within herself.
No more socializing,
No more attending events
Attaching herself to the walls
Of her inner life.
Safely around herself
She spun a secure cocoon.
Weaved with the essence of
Her two kids, safe friends, family,
And healing and inspiring books.
Within this protective casing
She dove deep into confronting
Past hurts, past trauma.
Sitting with the pain, the discomfort
Allowing herself to feel every
Emotion that appeared.
Sadness, anger, joy, happiness,
content, shame, guilt.
She dove deep into experiencing
The silence of nature
The silence of life
The beauty of nature
The beauty of allowing nature to bring forth
Healing words to share with the world.
She spent many years of her
Life within this cocoon
Radically changing how
She viewed the world
And her fellow humans
Nearing the end of this molting period
She knew the radical transformaiton
Of her inner life, her heart, her soul
Was complete.
She began shedding
her protective casing.
Only to realize that her physical body
Was not yet ready to emerge.
The years of financial struggle and worry
Had taken a toll on her body.
She spent the next couple of years
In search of what ailed her body.
Finally discovering and addressing the reason.
Once her physical body was on board
With emerging,
And after learning that she, like her kids
Is neurodivergent
She realized there remained
Something within that begged
For release, for transformation
She spent months in search of
Just the right therapist.
This is exactly what the trauma
Of her youth, teenage years, and young adult needed.
An outside force to clear the
Remains of what she alone could not clear.
With each session,
the protective casing she had
Spun all those years ago
Began to crumble
She emerged as her authentic self
Her shining self
Ready to share
Of herself without fear
That shining and sharing of her true self
Would attract unwanted and unlovely attention.
For so long ago, as a young child she
Learned that when she shined,
It attracted that which felt wrong
And that which she did not want.
She is helping that young Camilla
Has hugged and loved her
Placing her in a special
Nook carved in her heart.
Behold the awakening of all that
Could have been
If she had felt safe to
Be who she wanted to be
Explore all that life had to offer
Choose a path that fit her
Feel attraction for who she was attracted to
Love who she wanted to love
The transformation is complete
She’s 16 again
Ready to LIVE life
On her terms.
A neurospicy Pisces
Lover of olives,
Dancing, Walks
And passionate kisses.
Get ready world
With no fear
With no holding back
She has emerged. – Camilla Downs – 2023
