Fear and Worry Nearly Stopped Me

August 5 2023

I have reserved a lake view room for myself in South Lake Tahoe for one night next week. Fear and worry nearly kept me from doing it. In fact, I lost the room I was going to reserve because I kept putting it off.

I will spend a morning at Nevada Beach, go to a live music at the beach event, and enjoy my day and night to myself. I’ll be reaching out to a few helpers to text with Lillian, making sure she’s okay. Thanks again to Matt and Julie Miller for sharing your method for making vacations without our self-advocates work for them and us. I’m a bit worried, but I will work on that between now and when I leave. 🖤💋🖤 (Photo of Lake Tahoe, taken by me in 2018 or 2019)

The Stanford Working Group – Finished

August 2 2023

5 months of working together
Brainstorming a new name
10 assignments
Reviewing 10 videos
Writing 7 scripts
Producing 7 videos
Generating many ideas

We just finished the last Zoom meeting for the Stanford working group in revising and updating job coach training. This work culminates with a ND Employment Community Conference.

The working group had members across the US. I think there were 30 of us.
🎉🎉🎉

Step Eleventy Billion Towards Independence

August 2 2023

Step eleventy billion on helping Lillian be more independent.

A fancy toaster with no knobs as Lillian’s poor motor skills prevent her from effectively using the toaster oven we have.

And most importantly does not make a loud noise, popping the toast up when done. It slowly rises, also having a button for checking the toast. My toast making duties are officially over!!

This is working towards our goal of me getting a vacation, with Lillian staying home alone, with helpers checking in on her. I haven’t had a vacation since about 2008.

Thanks to The Millers for sharing how they went through this process with Macy.

The Battle Born State and Liberation of this Soul – Monday Night Poetry

August 1 2023

@mondaynightpoetrynv last night. 💜💜💜

Prompt was Battle Born. I wrote this new poem and read an oldie from 2017 – Liberation of this Soul

The Battle Born state welcomed me into her loving embrace in 2006
I cracked, I fell apart, I broke into a million pieces
My body essence oozing into the soil, the rock, the sagebrush
My life fluids draining into Lake Tahoe and Washoe Lake
My veins melding with and becoming one with her roots

For 13 years I marinated within this Battle Born cocoon,
being pounded over and over by life
Marinated more, pounded more
Struggling financially
Living the day to day grind of advocating
For my special needs daughter, and her younger sibling
Until finally I was at peace within her embrace

She infused me with strength, sustenance, and knowing
Every walk taken, with the landscape, the breeze, the very air
Infusing me with life, populating my heart and mind with
The thoughts and words to write Words of Alchemy
to make decisions,
In fact, to carry on with this life.

In 2019 I emerged from the Battle Born cocoon into the cocoon of my home
Knowing I was to allow my physical body to rest, fall apart, and be healed.
With finally connecting to others who would finish what she could not.

And the day arrived in May of 2023 when the body became mostly healed
And it was time to emerge from the cocoon of my home,
Ready to create
Ready to live
Ready to continue appreciation
for this beautiful, stunning place
That I call home
Northern Nevada.

Photos by @sidewayseightprojects

Liberation of this Soul

She was tired.
Tired of trying to figure it out.

Tired of trying to make things work.
Tired of manipulating circumstances
to make things work.
Tired of trying to control situations to make things work.

Tired of living in confusion.
Tired of the suffering
created by way of her thoughts.

Tired of the chains that
bound her to the suffering.
Tired of dragging those
invisible chains through life.

Tired of not loving herself.
Tired of not being loved.
Tired of the responsibility of it all.

Tired of questioning her every decision.
Tired of hiding the Truth from herself.
Tired of running from her own self.

Tired of the darkness within.
Tired of the pull of the ego.

What she craved.
What she desperately needed.
Was … FREEDOM.

In desperation she dropped to her knees.
Crying to the all knowing,

Take this tired body,
Take this tired mind,
Take this confusion,
Take this suffering,

She let it all go.
She released it to the divine.

She asked for liberation
from her self-induced suffering.

Liberate this soul.
Liberate this heart.

Allow this heart to open.
Allow this heart to
receive and know unconditional love.
Allow this mind to know Clarity.

Liberation to the graceful
place of Knowing Freedom.
Liberation to the Place
of letting go.

Letting Go
And saying Yes
to Life. – ©Camilla Downs

Stepped Out of the Comfort Zone with Bright Colors

July 30 2023

Today I stepped out of my clothing comfort zone. I wore a colorful outfit that I like, just because I like it. 💥💥💥

I did not wear the same old mostly all black clothing I usually wear. Clothing I perceive to look best on me. With the help of my wonderful therapist I am learning to love this body, be okay with how it looks in whatever I choose to wear. Saggy arms, varicose, bulging veins on my legs and all. So I took multiple selfies to celebrate. 💋💋💋

I hope you take time today, or this week, to celebrate something hard you’ve done. 🎉🎉🎉

Film Festival Screening of 1946: The Mistranslation That Shifted Culture

July 30 2023

I had THE BEST afternoon. Ashley and I had coffee and lunch at a new to us restaurant. The pho was absolutely amazing and delicious. The atmosphere was perfect.

Then we attended the @ciff_nv Film Festival screening of 1946: The Mistranslation That Shifted Culture (@1946themovie) (1946)

Kathy Baldock ( @kathyvbaldock ) and I met in 2007. I have observed her years of dedication, research, and advocacy regarding this topic. This is a powerful documentary. I laughed, I cried, I felt anger, and I was inspired.

Please spread the word about this movie. Watch it, share it, help bring it to the mainstream. The world needs this. ❤️❤️

Thank you to Ashley ( @eralomusic ) for the beautiful company today. You are amazing!!

Throwback Post: That Time We Lived in a Tiny Home

**THROWBACK POST**

December 3 2015:

A full day of subbing in Stillwater, then home and cooking dinner while these two made homemade gifts. My heart overflows with joy at their excitement of making homemade gifts. I cannot wait to share with y’all what Thomas made Lillian!!

Wild n crazy dinner of a gigantic pancake turned more into a pancake crumble with apple smoked bacon. Oh well! They loved it, so what the heck!! And now they are playing with Thomas’ cars …. And I was standing right there washing dishes.

Here we are in this tiny 800 sq ft and they are right there under my feet! I looked down at them and thought, “I love this life. Thank you, thank you.” Sending that love out to you! Love, sweet love.