Poetry and Photography: Unearthing the Hurt

Roots Unearthing Poem 2017

Unearthing the Hurt

She had a dream.
Walking through a
tunnel of books, she saw herself.
Look! Light at the end of the tunnel.

No wait, then … she had a vision.
Walking through a tunnel
of darkness, she saw herself.

She had chosen to
go deep this time.
Chosen to unearth
a hurt buried so
deep, she tricked
herself into believing
it never happened
and was gone forever.

A hurt that caused
her to not trust myself,
to believe she was at fault
for the hurt, and
to not unconditionally
love herself.

A hurt so deep
repetetive patterns
were embedded into this life.

A hurt so deep
a piece of her soul
did eject with the trauma
so as to protect her.

Move beyond this,
that is her truest desire.
Going in, Going Deep, she is.
The unearthing has begun.

What is buried
has tried to surface
in the past, yet,
she was not ready.

Ready, she is.
The piece of soul
retrieved now,
brought along the trauma
for her to process.

Heart pain, sobbing,
choking, suffocating,
bewilderment, why, why, why,
Anger, Anger, Anger.

The pain of unearthing
and feeling this hurt
was incredibly uncomfortable,
yet, short-lived.

The freedom and liberation
in welcoming and embracing it
are immeasurable.
Free, Free, Free!

The part of the soul
ejected, she had longed to
retrieve.

This is the present moment journey.

Retrieving.
Unearthing.
Feeling.
Observing.
Letting Go.

Feeling incomplete
she has always felt.
Now she knows why.

The cycle is nearly complete,

She loves you.
She loves herself.
She loves all of herself.
She loves the darkness.
She loves the shadows.
She loves the light.
She loves all of herself.
She loves herself.
She loves you. -2017 Camilla Downs, The Journal

Blessings,

Camilla
See It. Share It. BE IT … Spread Love Everywhere You Go!

Amazing news! My 16 year old daughter, Lillian Darnell’s debut book, “Where Would You Fly and Other Magical Stories” is arriving November 2017. Learn more and order here

Wonderfully exciting news! My 11 year old son, Thomas Darnell‘s book, Biggest Little Photographer is published. Be inspired! Learn more and order here.

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A Turning Point – The Primordial Awakening

Quick Note: While this story is about the power that comes with having a human life grow inside of you and the power of the birthing experience AND if you are not a woman or mother, don’t think this isn’t for you! If you are human then this is for you. As, most likely, at some point we all will deeply experience and connect with fear and pain. Think of whatever that moment was/is for YOU as you read this.

Author’s Note: At times I am intuitively moved to write in third person. This is one of those times. May you enjoy this “story” and may it ignite the primal within you.

A Turning Point – The Primordial Awakening

“It is a “journey without distance” because the journey is within our minds. We have never left our place on high. We are only dreaming otherwise.” ~ Lessons in Love by Brad Oliphant

September 14, 2001 was a turning point in her life. A time when she connected with an acceptance to feel fear and pain. This acceptance was a doorway that opened a primal portal to her awakening. She grabbed that opening and clung by a fingernail. This was the day she gave birth to her first born.

At the time she didn’t know this is what was happening for she had closed her heart years ago. She didn’t even know she had closed her heart.

She had been laying the foundation for this awakening since the night she could not sleep in 1998. The night that led to her deep hunger to learn about and come to know her self.

Layer upon layer of not being herself, of not speaking her thoughts for fear they would turn others away or cause her exclusion, agreeing with others without even thinking, taking on others likes and dislikes, years of “just handling” it, sucking it up, not speaking up when she had been taken advantage of ….. layers of fear, falseness, anxiety, comparison, worry that stretched back to childhood.

Each layer built upon the next in such a way that her true self was buried so deeply she could no longer remember her passions, source of joy, or unique talents. …. And this she did not realize either.

She lived in the illusion that all of life was outside of herself. All that mattered was without rather than within.

By outside appearances she was a successful, strong, and happy woman. She thought she was all of these too. She had gone to college, earned a paralegal degree, fallen in love, married, become pregnant, and worked successfully as a civil paralegal at the county prosecutor’s office.

There are no words to describe the magic and mystery of having another human growing inside of you. If one is open to it on some level, something shifts within a person during that time.  A doorway begins to open that fully opens at the time of giving birth.

She lived one of the most powerful experiences she had ever had up to that point in her life when she naturally birthed her first child, Lillian, and again 4 years later when she naturally birthed her second child, Thomas.

During her first pregnancy she read as many books as she could regarding natural child birth, including The Bradley Method. She even found herself reading books about chanting and childbirth (all the while thinking that this definitely was not her style and she would NOT be chanting during childbirth). She read how powerful an experience of natural child birth could be, and intuitively she knew she must have this experience.

On the day of delivery, with help and reminders from her husband, she focused on breathing through contractions. She visualized what was actually happening during each contraction as to not focus on the pain.

She decided to get into a warm, soothing, and relaxing tub of water. So relaxing, in fact, that the process began to speed. With each contraction she saw her belly roll, distort, change shape and intensely felt the pressure of baby making her way down the birth canal.

Each contraction brought a strange, heavy, earthy, out of body feeling to her. She had never felt anything like this before. Without any thought, she began deeply chanting the vowels with each contraction. Afterwards she had no idea where this had come from.

She continued to focus on her breath and visualizing her baby moving down the birth canal, feeling her move, and soon she could feel the baby’s head nearing the end of the birth canal. The nurse was beckoned and after only a few more contractions the daughter was about to enter our world.

The room quickly filled with nurses and doctors. Someone said to her, “Don’t push yet.” She said, “Are you crazy? My body says push and I’m pushing. Be ready.” With the next contraction, she instinctively pushed and the baby flew out so fast she nearly landed on the floor. She was still snuggled warmly inside the amniotic sac. Not yet ready to be here.

At this point something within her awoke and opened. A place of peace, beauty, joy, and love. Instinctively she knew she must not let it close. With that one fingernail she grabbed onto the portal.

Slowly and throughout the next 14 years, it would soon give way to a finger, then more fingers, then a hand ….. and eventually her heart emerged through the portal into a world of peaceful wholeheartedness and love.

The journey from one clinging fingernail to her whole heart was a long one full of judgment, feelings of superiority, feelings of inferiority, darkness, comparison, struggles, love, laughter, fun, and life lessons.

Immediately after and for at least 24 hours after the birth she lived in a euphoric, peaceful, joyful, love-filled world. A world in which she was a powerful creator who knew with full conviction and self-confidence that ANYTHING is possible. She had a similar experience with the birth of her second child.

Many times during the past 14 years she has called upon this experience when she needed a reminder of just how powerful she is … and that indeed, ANYTHING is possible.

Little did she know at the time; she had just birthed a being who would be one of her greatest teachers. And four years later, she was to birth another of her greatest teachers.

But, that’s another story …

Authors Note: It is fully understood that natural child birth is not for everyone due to medical reasons or simply personal choice.

And there are those whose path it was and is to not have children as part of their experience.

And there are those who wish passionately to conceive and cannot. My heart opens and wraps you in warm, nurturing love … you either have or will experience a deep moment that will serve as your own turning point.

This post is titled, A Turning Point, and not, The Turning Point, for these reasons. I don’t believe this is the only way to experience a turning point.

Any moment in time or an experience in which we embrace fear and pain in such a deep way can be the catalyst for this shift.

The Point:

Have you experienced your own moment in time in which you have deeply embraced fear and pain? Or do you sense it approaching?

Listen to yourself.
Listen within.
Do NOT discount inner urges.
Love yourself.
Release judgment of yourself.
Have compassion and empathy for yourself.

For if you EVER hope to love others, stop judging others, and have compassion and empathy for others; you must first do this for yourself. If not, you risk leading yourself down paths that take you further and further away from you true self.

The story behind how this blog post came to be is a story in and of itself. A story of listening, being aware, being in the present moment, and doing as I was guided to do. That will be shared in an upcoming blog post. xoxo

Blessings,

Camilla
See It. Share It. BE IT … Spread Love Everywhere You Go!

Did you know I wrote a book? It’s titled “D iz for Different – One Woman’s Journey to Acceptance” and you can read more about it here.

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Nourish the Soul

This past Tuesday, it was time to nourish my soul …. I went for a walk and sat for a while …

As the butterfly swoops by, as the last remaining leaves rustle, as the sounds drift by, as the sun shares it’s warmth with me, as the soft breeze cools my face…

Pondering, accepting, releasing …. Soaking it in ….

As we choose to believe we must always be “doing” so hard and “doing” so much and choose to believe in lack and that we need something or someone to make us happy, the belief and obsession to have more and more ….

All we need do is return to nature so as to feel and see and know the abundance that surrounds us …. The abundance that is ours once we choose to live a true and authentic life.

Peace is ours once we discontinue to identify with what we have and what we accomplish. The search for this peace is a worthwhile quest. Knowing that we are valuable just because we ARE and not believing that we are valuable only when we have accomplished something … This is a concept that brings instant peace when we truly grasp it and live our life knowing this.

Add the ingredient of resilience …

Add the fortitude to stay true to this thought pattern when old negative thoughts and thought patterns rear their ugly head …. AND

Joy, Happiness, Contentment and Peace is OURS.

This article is now part of my inventory in Inspired Living.  

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