Category Archives: Poetry and Photography

Monday Night Poetry – Unquietness

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March 9 2024

We had a guest last Monday Night Poetry. Ashley Vargas, Ms. AyeVee, from Vegas. She and her poetry are fire! ❤️‍🔥❤️‍🔥❤️‍🔥 It was such a fabulous night.

Unquietness

Silence

The absence of sound
Censorship of oneself
Staying quiet

In searching for a quote about silence
I was reminded of the multifaceted nature of silence

Depending on the context,
Silence can offer welcome respite from the
Noise of life
Silence can be used against someone
As punishment
Silence can allow space to focus
And be mindful
Silence can be used as a
Form of protection
Silence can be welcome relief to one who has
Difficulty quieting the mind

Early in my life
I learned that silence
Was a way to reject attention

I learned to censor myself
My brain became the staging ground
For deciding which thoughts to release
And which thoughts weren’t allowed to leave

Staying silent meant safety
When I disagreed
When I had input on a topic
Silence was my knight in shining armor

I didn’t have to worry about others disagreeing with me
Disagreements brought forth an immediate learned response
Within me that I was wrong, that I was being stupid

I didn’t have to worry about others thinking
I was weird
Silence was the shield that protected me
From others thinking this about me

This shield was my instinctive response
When as a teenager I naively got myself into a bad situation
Of being alone in a car with someone I did not know
I thought we were going to someone’s house

As the car entered a wooded area, I begin to think
This was going to be the night I died
I guess I was lucky because he didn’t kill me
Instead, he raped me

I feared for my life
Thought if I fought back
If I screamed
I would die

So I used my shield of silence
Along with something else I learned as a child
I disassociated from what was happening

A similar scenario as this came into my life
Two additional times in my late teens

I never told anyone
I stayed silent
I mean, what would people think about me if I told them
I had been raped
Once
Twice
Three times

I buried that shit deep, telling no one.

Until my silence was broken
In the year 2017
With the sexual assault allegations against Harvey Weinstein
Thrusting the 2006 Me too movement into popularity

I was motivated, uplifted, and inspired by
Other brave humans
To break my silence

I shared on social media
That I was also part of this movement

I no longer remain silent
About this or any topic I am moved to speak about
I replaced my shield of silence with a shield
Of unquietness

For there is power in the many voices
Who decide to stay silent no longer

For those of us who stayed silent
For fear of what they would think about us
Fear of them saying it was our fault
Fear of not being believed
Fear of attention being drawn
To those who would shrink and wither
under the weight of this attention

I moved forward, using all my strength
The silence of my decade long spiritual journey
Empowered me to break a different type of silence in 2017

No longer being silent
When voices need to be heard
By those who have built walls of ignorance,
turned deaf ears,
To events, to fellow humans
They have deemed less than

The silence is broken
Never to be quieted again.
Camilla Downs

**Please note. I do not need comforting, nor sorrow about this. These events happened over 30 years ago. After doing my own internal work, and working with an EMDR therapist, it’s just something that happened. And I think we should talk and share about these things.

This is simply the poem that came forth to our prompt of, Broken Silence.**

This is simply the poem that came forth to our prompt of, Broken Silence. At the conclusion of Monday Night Poetry a much younger participant came up to me, thanking me, and telling me my poem meant very much to her. That’s reason enough to have shared this poem.**

Camilla’s Birthday Party – My Heart is Full

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March 8 2024

Jesse, Rachel and Alex, Isis, Joelle and friends, Schae, Iain, Thomas, Gigi, Amy, Nico, Paolo, Anthony, Ashley, Gene, Vernon, and anyone who I may have missed.

Thank you so much for coming to my party last night. I understand how valuable everyone’s time is these days. Thank you for the hugs, the dancing, for buying me drinks, for sharing in my joy. I appreciate all of you so very much.

That some of you took time to not only write a poem, with a couple of you speaking an impromptu poem, meant the absolute fucking world to me. I learned that one of the qualities that everyone unanimously loves about me are my hugs. It was hard not to let my eyes leak liquid love. I cherish these relationships.

Ashley was amazing with her sick DJ’ing! Love what she did with the playlist I gave her! And thank you to Anthony for the ride home! My heart is so full today.

Thank you Black Rabbit Mead Company, and their bartenders for being so awesome!❤️❤️❤️

This birthday is landing differently.

I feel free, uninhibited, ready to let loose.

I feel on the other side of a part of my life that was monumental.

I am fully emerging from the Team TLC cocoon of the past 12 or so years.

Those years were quiet, solitary, meditative, reflective. I’m no longer in that space.

Time for the next phase of life.

Yes, to the fun, the dancing, the music, the poetry, and more. All the things that set me on fire.

Me

I am a person who analyzes everything and hasn’t owned a television since 2008.
I wonder what my life would have been like if I had not been taught to conform, if I had not believed that by a certain age I needed to be married and have kids.
I hear poetry in music lyrics, and in conversation with others.
I see the way people feel about me between the words they speak, and the words that silently leave their eyes and enter mine.
I want politicians, religious zealots to fucking leave the transgender community the hell alone.
I am a Gen X woman who is questioning and exploring her sexuality.

I pretend not to be bothered when like-minded people don’t want to be friends.
I feel words in my entire body; they puncture my skin, drip into my veins, spread throughout my body, exiting through movement, tears, smiles, laughs, and raindrops.
I touch my silky soft hair, shoving it into my face, inhaling the scent and enjoying the feel.
I worry about my disabled daughter’s life once I no longer walk amongst the living.
I cry for the lives lost due to the rabid hate and lies spread by a portion of our society.
I am having the time of my life learning about myself, free of the shackles of conformity.

I understand that my neurospicy-ness is misunderstood by some, causing them to feel I am too much, too loud, too self-absorbed; that I share too much, that I always share the long version.
I say things that make absolutely no fucking sense sometimes
I dream of taking dance lessons and dancing professionally in front of an audience, at least once
I try to avoid people I know sometimes, if I see them in the grocery store, I will turn around, and go down an aisle I just left
I hope that we successfully make it through this next election cycle with our democracy in tact, and that those trying to take us backwards feel defeated enough to go the fuck away
I am living the second half of my life with eyes wide open, speaking up, and advocating like a fly who is determined to land on those damn fried green tomatoes.

Lillian’s two poems for me:

The mermaids of the sea bow down
To the queen of the oceans
Bravely dancing

In the seas of love and the heart of kindness
Dances the braveness of the mermaid
Of my heart of friendliness

Swimming into the dancing sea of stars
The mermaid dances to the song
Of life bravely and free
To the mermaids of sea
Lillian Darnell 2024

C – Creative Minds of A Mermaid
A – Adventures of A Mermaid
M – Mermaids Of the Ocean
I – Imaginative Mermaids
L – Land of the Mermaids
L – Light-hearted Mermaids
A – A Mermaid of the Sea
Lillian Darnell 2024

The Goodness of Laughter

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March 2 2024

The Goodness of Laughter

Who wants to meet for coffee?

Laughing til our faces hurt
Laughing til we can’t breathe
Laughing til our stomach muscles hurt
Laughing til the laughter spreads to the people next to us
Laughing til the laughter
Sprouts wings
Fluttering down the lane
Infecting all in its path
Taking to the skies
Bringing laughter to the clouds
The sun, the stars, the moon

When the wave of laughter subsides
We take a deep breath, sip our coffee
And think how good this felt
There is nothing that compares to this type of joy shared together.

 

Monday Night Poetry – Mermaids of the Sea – Camilla’s Birthday

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February 27 2024

My poetry friends sang me Happy Birthday last night, and treated me like a Queen. ❤️❤️❤️ Full house last night, with wonderful poetry shared.

Lillian wrote a poem for me; which I shared. It was a hit! (Lillian is my 22 year old special needs daughter) She totally understood the assignment. 😁

The mermaids of the sea bow down
To the queen of the oceans
Bravely dancing

In the seas of love and the heart of kindness
Dances the braveness of the mermaid
Of my heart of friendliness

Swimming into the dancing sea of stars
The mermaid dances to the song
Of life bravely and free
To the mermaids of sea
Lillian Darnell – 2024

I wrote a poem titled, “Me”. I’ll share that one in a separate post.

Sexy Grown Folks Poetry – Surrender

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February 25 2024

Last night was a freaking blast. Sexy, steamy fire was delivered by all!!! 🔥❤️‍🔥❤️‍🔥❤️‍🔥🔥 I wrote two poems. Here’s one.

Bones of it written in June 2023, with new material added February 24 2024

Surrender

I will not settle down
I will not behave.
I will give myself amnesia
For how I was taught
I’m supposed to be

I will begin to remember anew
Making my way
With Authenticity
Waking every day
Expressing myself real and raw

Let my gravity
Be the force
That pulls you
To me

I feel it.
It’s pure ecstasy.
As my body dissolves into yours.

Pure ecstasy
I quiver with it.

You feel it.
It’s pure ecstasy
Pure ecstasy
You feel like you will explode.

You want it
I want it
I want your touch
A touch that makes the little hairs on my arm rise

I want your feel
I want to run my fingers along
every inch of your body

I want your scent
A scent that stays with me,
Lingers in my clothes, my hair
And on my body

I want the taste of you
In my mouth
I want my taste buds to
Memorize you
So my mouth waters when you’re near

Your beautiful soft skin
Deep dark eyes
Thick black eye lashes
Luscious, full lips
Warm, bright smile.

The more I get
The more I want
The more you get
The more you want
The more we get
The more we want.

You want my lips
You want my body
You want my eyes gazing into yours
You want to see my warm smile
You want me pressed against you.

Luscious, passionate kisses
Soft caressing of my body,
of your body,
Your touch, your kisses, make me lose control
My legs wrapped around your body
Makes you lose control.

Desire filled embraces
Hands intertwined
Gazing deep into
each other’s eyes.

Our plump lips
Gently touching
Mouths open
Tongues touch
Excites, ignites.

Every kiss
Reminding me
What it’s like to empty my mind
To let go

Kisses of molasses that leave a trail
Of rose petals scattered
On the trail to my heart

Clothes come off
Bodies become one
The heat increases
Hands sliding and gripping
The pleasure so intense
Audible groans of pleasure.

Bodies quiver
Bodies come together as one
Embrace, kissing passionately
Gazing into each other’s eyes.

Bodies climax together
They relax into each other’s embrace
They snuggle closely
Relaxing into each other’s touch.

I feel it
You feel it
The more we get
The more we want.
Camilla Downs

The Path of the Heart – Monday Night Poetry

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February 14 2024

Another fantastic Monday Night Poetry. I 🖤 these beautiful, creative folks. 🥰🥰🥰

I shared an oldie from 2018.

The Path of the Heart

The path back home seems littered with suffering and struggle.

What is this insane ability to cause
one’s self such suffering?

Suffering by way of the thoughts
that dart
here and there,
at times penetrating the soul as if they
were a cold, jagged knife.

When one golden day the tides of change
bring the knowing that the path
is also littered with Love.

A Love shining remarkably bright and clear,
suffering seems almost
not to have happened.

The path of Love
The path of suffering
The path of struggles
The path of Joy
The path of Harmony
The path of irritation
The path of guilt
The path of Peace.

All the same path
The path that we each travel.
Made to seem different
by way of the
degree of suffering we endure.
Made to seem different until that glorious day
that we learn
to love ourselves
and
to love one another through everything that happens.

For the things that happen will still be;
yet, the perception
of each will shift
the more the one
loves one’s self through the things.

The path of Love.
The path we all shall arrive upon one sweet day.
Oh, glory be. We shall see.

November 17 2018

Poetry: The Age of Pleasure

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February 10 2024

Written June 2023

The Age of Pleasure

Since the time she was a teen,
Fast and intense
Have been the path
For relationships, friendships or otherwise.

Born from messages
Received as a child
Taught, learned, observed,
taken as her own
Not seen,
Not important,
Her heart’s desires not honored.

At the young age that she is
She’s determined
To drain these old wounds
This old trauma.

She no longer wishes to live
This life from things
That happened to her as a child
Things that were done to her as a child
And the emotional presence withheld from her as a child.

With the help of a bad ass therapist
She’s doing it differently
She’s approaching relationships with fresh eyes.

Relationships in her teens and 20’s
Happened incredibly fast, unhealthy,
Withering on the vine of life.

She has learned that the part of her
That is impatient, wanting fast results
Fast results that make her feel important, seen, wanted, desired
All that nonsense is from her past, yet if feels familiar

And part of her still had been craving that,
The part operating from trauma.
She recognizes this now
And declares, “No fucking more!”

This declaration brings with it
Excitement
Anticipation
Lightness
FREEDOM

And Freedom’s just another word
For Nothing Left to Lose.

This is the time for new beginnings
The time for doing it differently
Meeting life in this moment
Not from hurts or trauma of the past
Not with biased future visions
Fully meeting this moment.
The Age of Pleasure.

New connections, built slowly, with patience
With intention, with authenticity, with clarity.

Connections with kindred spirits
Ready to have fun together
Ready to share joy together
Ready to share sadness together
Ready to share all the feels together
Ready to share the ride of getting
To know one another.

Sweet friendships
Sweet connections
Sweet lovers
Sweet partners
Born of patience, honesty, openness.

Although there will be jolts
Of falling into the ways of old
She will know the difference of
Responding to old shit
And responding to the dopamine hit
Of kindred spirit connections
When of the latter
She will fully meet that moment
With wild abandon.

She’s decided to be in this moment
On its way, slow and gentle
Or fast and intense

While at the same time, holding space for those who aren’t yet ready

May those who are ready saunter on board
This Meeting of the Moment
As we sail into the mystic. – Camilla Downs

June 13 2023

**You’re 50’s**

Poetry – Feeling the Breeze

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January 6 2024

Feeling the Breeze – ( Written in. July 2023 for Pride month)

May of 2023 a series of
Positive, healthy changes came together.
Having to do with my mental,
physical and emotional health.

When that happened the part of me that I put
To sleep 15 years prior, woke up.
Wide open, burning, tingling, on fire,
Inviting the rest of me to wake the fuck up,
Get out, do shit, meet people,
Have fun, live life!

For a year and a half I sat in my car
For the hour long appointment that my teenager
Had every other Monday.
A 5 minute drive from the location
Of Monday Night Poetry

This new chapter of my life began the day
I chose not to sit in the car for that hour,
The day I stepped into
The door of Shim’s Surplus,
Attending my first spoken views collective poetry event.

For me, Pride means

I am a safe person
I am a safe space
If you need a warm, loving hug
I will happily share one with you

For me, Pride means

I have a little bit of anger
At times a lot of anger
About not being exposed to the full
Spectrum of relationships and sexuality
As a young person

Sadness over what might of been
With my life had I known
There wasn’t just one way to be
And one way to love.

For me, Pride means

Embracing my neurospicy,
Pisces, sexually diverse self.

A little bit chaos
A little bit edgy
A little bit shy
A little bit bold
A little bit gypsy
A little bit mermaid
A little bit hippy
A little bit witchy
A little bit enchantress
A little bit seductress.

Actually though, I am undefinable
And I will not define others.

Living life on my terms
Meeting life in this moment
Doing what I am moved to do
Saying what I am moved to say
Feeling whatever arises

My eyes wide open
I’ve broken free from the shackles
Of tradition
I’ve opened the windows

Feeling the breeze on my skin
Blowing through my hair
Blowing through my thoughts
Blowing through my heart

Breaking free from the conditions
Of a childhood of constraint
Of not being seen
Not being heard

In fear of rejection
In fear of doing it wrong
In fear of not being understood
Not being appreciated
wanted
desired
loved.

Feeling the breeze
I’m releasing the traumas of the past.
Knowing when I am responding or living from the old me.
Still falling back into those old ways
The old fears of not being wanted, desired, loved.
Yet catching it when it happens.
Saying to myself, Nah girl.
Your worth does not come
From whether or not they like your posts on the gram
Whether they text or not
That’s old shit.

So I take young Camilla by the hand
Reminding her she is loved, wanted, and desired
That this does not come from them
It is a given, already there.
And this brings liberation, FREEDOM
And Freedom is just another word
For nothing left to lose.

I’m letting it in
No one else can do this for me
Living my life from this point forward
Til I can live it no longer

Being attracted to whoever the hell I want to be attracted to,
Without feeling shame or feeling like I’m wrong.
Breaking free from the the traditional concepts of what it
Means to be in a relationship with another.
Ready to have fun with kindred spirts, be playful, hold on loosely,
Exploring, being open
Ready to be touched
Ready to touch
Sparking deep connections
Heart to heart conversations
Connecting with those kindred spirits
Holding space for those I love to be who they are, love who they love.

Conditioning, traditions, shame, being afraid to make a mistake
I’m treating myself to throwing those
Bitches into the ocean
To be liberated by her depths.

Feeling the breeze on my skin
Blowing trough my hair
Blowing through my thoughts
Blowing through my heart

Living life with my heart wide open
Words unspoken, flowing forth

Shared with chosen ones
Who wish to hear them.

**Note**

“I have a little bit of anger
At times a lot of anger
About not being exposed to the full
Spectrum of relationships and sexuality
As a young person”

This does not mean that this information was intentionally withheld from me. I was just not exposed to it. However, when I was exposed to it, it was ridiculed and mocked.