**I wrote this on February 27, 2019 … One day after my 49th birthday.
Just when I thought the really deep, tough stuff was all done ….
Around the 1st of February 2019, I began to feel anxious and restless. A knowing was woken within me that I had forgotten. Many, many, many years ago I had turned my back on someone who needed me. I broke loose from this relationship and built a strong, heavy door between the two of us. I wanted nothing to do with the sadness, envy, and jealousy she held within. I was sick and tired of being around this heavy, dark energy. So. I left without even an explanation.
In the midst of coming to this knowing, I experienced a series of three events in a one week period that caused me to view myself as a failure. A failure as a parent, a failure as a friend, and a failure at a work project. I sat with the emotions this brought forth and when I remembered, I invited it all with open arms and when I remembered, I loved myself during these harsh thoughts.
A pattern surfaced. I took notes, looking back at past events to round up as many events as possible that came back to this same pattern. Then, I had one of the most amazing aha moments.
I came to know that the feelings and emotions that were felt during and after these three events, were from within the one I had abandoned. These were her actions and her emotions.
Who is this one I turned my back on years ago? She is my inner child, little Camilla. I had not realized when I brushed aside all of the harshness experienced in my youth and younger years; that I had turned my back on her and how she viewed life.
What I came to know near the beginning of this month is that I am needed by her. We need each other. She knows things about my childhood. I know a few things about this journey I’ve traveled and kinda sort of, a few things about being an adult. I realized she could give me back my childhood, help me to remember what my dreams were, what my interests were, what I loved to do as a child.
I also realized that I could help her to not view life the way in which she does. Not to her fault. She views life in the way it was modeled to her when she was a youngster and by way of just assuming things on her own. She was unintentionally neglected then and has been neglected by me ever since the day I left and built the door between us.
Once I realized this, I began the work of tearing down that door. I lovingly let her know how sorry I was for abandoning her. I let her know I would ever more be here for her, that I trust her, I believe in her, I see her, and I hear her. I let her know that even if she never trusts me and never reveals her secrets to me; I will be here, unconditionally loving her and acknowledging how she feels.
As often as I can remember, I will place my hand on my heart, and send the message to her that she is loved, she is seen, she is heard, that I believe in her. I will share the message that life does not have to be as she assumed or witnessed. Life can be as I have learned it can be, as I have lived it, as I have envisioned and as I know it to be. Once the two of us reunite, and join, we will know this as one and it can become our united path.
Such peace is with me knowing that I am reuniting with little Camilla. Knowing when I am triggered and these same emotions, thoughts, and feelings surface, that they are coming from her, the sweet child within. Now that I know this, I am able to comfort her and let her know this is not how it has to be. There is another way.
What a beautiful miracle it is to recognize from where these feelings of being left out, feelings of doing it wrong, feelings of only getting the scraps of life, what’s left over, and feelings of unworthiness, envy, sadness, and jealousy originate. I say again, what a beautiful miracle.
Being more than a month out from this experience, I have moved through it and am in a place of peace, beauty and joy. I accept these moments when they arise and move through them. For my own benefit and for the benefit of humanity. For I do believe every single bit of healing we do for ourself, goes towards global healing as well. Much love to all of YOU!!
Now, to share the birthday celebrations with you ……..
Just had to show off this lovely creation by my sweet friend Jessica Araus!! Sweet and perfect!!
And, my mantra for the day from sweet friend, Cat Murray …. “I am shiny” … Heeheehee!!
And, and this beautiful birthday blessing from my beautiful friend Lalita Simon-Creasey …
Happy Birthday to you dearest Camilla
I wish to ye with that most beautiful of smiles
Fall deeper and deeper in love with who you are
Seeing grace and beauty everywhere as you travel through the miles.
May today be the beginning of everything true
May you be fulfilled, cherished and joyfully happy
May you see always truest beauty inside you
May you smile as you read these words of prosperity.
With lots of love on your birthday and always,
Photos of the 2019 birthday celebrations!!
We enjoyed a special birthday dinner at The Romano Duo’s place the night before my birthday.
It was a nasty drive from Reno to Dayton with extremely strong winds, gusting 80-90 miles per hour with the added bonus of big fat wet snow drops; which froze as soon as landing on the windshield! Took my time, driving as slow as I needed to feel comfortable, taking the least busy route so as not to worry about other drivers who may be in a hurry.
Frank had a virgin Bloody Mary waiting for me with a beautiful roasted, pickled asparagus spear and lemon stuffed olives! We enjoyed an amazing salad to go with our main dish. They made me my very own pot of vegan spaghetti sauce using Beyond Meat crumbles. And a lovely vegan Baklava for my birthday dessert treat.
Ahhhhhh …. Good stuff!!
On my birthday, 2.26.19, we had birthday cake for lunch!! Thank you to Thomas for catching the moment of my wish making. ❤️❤️❤️
Birthday celebrations with a plot twist! Sparkling pink lemonade birthday toast in the dark!!! Power went out just as we were sitting for dinner. Stayed out for three hours. That wind packed a powerful message.
Thank you to my sweet friend and neighbor, Kendra Johnson for buying a package of C batteries for our flashlight! I just happened to text her asking if she had any while she was at the store!!
And, thank you to another sweet neighbor for whom I’m cat sitting. I borrowed a couple of votive candles from her place. Cats were kinda freaked out from the wind and their music had shut off!
Lillian used coding on scratch to make me a digital card. Isn’t it beautiful??? I was going to have a birthday movie night. Hmmmm … Will see if I make it to it now.
This 49th year blew in with 60 and 70 mile gusts, eventually taking the power out just as we sat to eat dinner and have our sparkling pink lemonade toast last night. It was three hours later when power was restored. There’s an interesting message in there somewhere. Ha!!!
See It. Share It. BE IT … Spread Love Everywhere You Go!
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