May You See the Beauty of the Internal Scars

August 25 2018:

“The thing we surrender to becomes our power.” -Ernest Holmes

This is a LONG post … May the force be with you … And may you enjoy and be inspired by it should you choose to read on …

This poem and subsequent writing was sparked by a phrase within one of Lalita Simon-Creasey’s August 2018, “The Authentic Self Energy Update” via her Soulful Insights page.

A phrase of Lalita’s flew on wings of love and landed in my heart. This was the phrase … “Pull the weeds to plant the seeds.” Thank you Lalita!

May You See the Beauty

Pulling the weeds of internal scars
and planting seeds of Truth, I am.

An instrument of the Divine Universe, I am.
A Universe that knows not of suffering and lack.

Yet, I must come to know for myself
that these are but illusions.

These are the weeds of the internal scars
Carried for this life and past lifetimes.

What to do with these weeds?

Either pull them so as to
plant what is perceived as beautiful

or

Shift the way the weeds are viewed
and see the beauty within the weeds.

Either way will have the desired effect
of seeing through the illusions.

For what matters is the intent behind the action.

In the midst of the illusion,
it feels as if the weeds
will suffocate and extract
the life essence from this body.

It is difficult, this is known.
It does not have to be difficult,
yet, this is the Way few Know.

Yet, one glorious morning;
And sometimes over and over again,
She awakens to discover that he has
indeed been pulling the weeds and
shifting her view.

And the illusion has lifted.

Pulling the weeds of internal scars
and planting seeds of Truth, I am.
©2018, Camilla Downs

*************

Internal Scars

I share this history of myself now as I wish to free my heart and further heal. For I believe when one person moves towards opening of the heart and healing; it heals and opens the heart of others.

I have been raped, choked, bitten on the nose, beat on the hand with a big, clunky cell phone, had things thrown at me, overpowered, and not had my wishes respected in regards to this body.

I have been manipulated, caused to feel I do not matter, emotionally abused, told over and over that I’m stupid and crazy, abandoned, locked in a confined space, made to feel unwelcome and unwanted in my own home, and rejected.

I’ve also dished out my own fair share of manipulation, controlling behavior, and unkind and unloving comments. I have hurt people with my words. I have been untruthful at times.

During my late teens and early twenties I abused this body with psychedelic drugs and booze (about 30 years ago – the late 80’s).

I lived childhood, teenage years, and young adulthood with anger, jealousy, envy, extremely judgmental of others and myself, and deeply disliking myself and my life; never feeling that I was worthy of or deserving of a love filled and kind life.

From my childhood days through to middle age I have lost everything many times over.

I learned at an early age to bury deep the unlovely and unkind experiences of my life. Throughout the past 6-10 years I have been letting them surface, connecting with feelings that I had not let myself feel at the time, telling the child within that she is loved and telling her all of the things she needed to hear as a child, and doing my best to release them to be transmuted … and when possible, to include forgiveness of those involved.

On the surface I harbor no anger towards others for we were all doing the best we could with where we were in our journey thus far. However, there does appear to be bits and pieces of anger and resentment still buried. I am working those to the surface in their due time.

In addition, my body begs me to release this lingering anger and resentment. It continues to speak from the gall bladder/liver area with aches of urging me to connect with and release this sludge.

Although there were some who knew of some of this; no one knew the entirety of it, for I kept it buried deep and hidden for fear of further rejection and abandonment. And somehow I taught myself if I didn’t think about something that happened, I would forget about it and it could not hurt me.

This is the first time I have uttered some of these words “out loud” to anyone.

Yet, there was also this ….

The Seeds of Internal Knowing and Beauty

I have watched the sun rise and the sun set.

I have watched and listened to the meditative ocean waves.

I have walked in the pure soft sand.

I have birthed two precious humans.

I have listened to the soul lifting giggles of these same two precious humans when they were wee infants.

I have grown to know my connection with trees and water.

I have touched, hugged and kissed the trees.

I have let water caress my skin and gently engulf this body.

I have walked barefoot in the smooth and gentle grass.

I have felt the deep warmth of the sun on my face as it sinks into this body.

I have smelled the intoxicating aroma of honeysuckle, lilies, lilac and roses.

I have watched and listened as the wind causes the leaves of the oak tree to dance and create music.

I have listened to the bird song and calls of the robin, the chickadee, the black neck stilt, the duck, the goose, crows, killdeer, and the black-billed magpie.

I have listened to the pop and crackle of a camp fire.

I have smelled the refreshing scent of a pine tree.

I have listened to the croak of a bull frog.

I have watched a mama duck as she patiently guides the young ducklings up and over boulders and tight spaces to the safety of the water.

I have caressed the soft fur of kittens, puppies, guinea pigs, horses, donkeys, llamas, and alpacas.

I have experienced the grace, bliss, and deep silence of new fallen snow.

I have experienced beautiful friendships.

I have felt the gentle and kind touch of others.

I have tasted the invisible wind and plump rain drops.

I have walked bare foot in pure, sparkly, and inviting snow.

These are the Seeds that have and continue to guide me in healing. Alongside other humans who travel the same, yet different, path to Knowing.

I have felt called to share this for more than a year; yet fear of rejection still loomed like a dark storm cloud, threatening to shower me with the perceived consequences of having shared my Truth.

I share now from a place of Love in the Knowing that this will land in front of the person or people who need it. And for those it causes to turn away; that is their own Journey to travel and I have been merely a guidepost should they have been ready.

I had friends along the way who saw the True me. Friends that have stood by me. Some, many, know not of these internal weeds. Yet, they have stuck around as I have slowly revealed the weeds and pulled them to be released to the soil from which they came or transmuted to the Light that is their Truth.

The time has come to pull the remaining weeds and allow them to be exposed to the Light of others. I know I will continue to find and discover weeds as this isn’t a one time deal.

Pulling the weeds of internal scars
and planting seeds of Truth, I am.

****************

The Story Behind the Sharing

About an hour or two after I read Lalita’s daily update I began to write in my journal about something completely unrelated, or so I thought. I was having a free write about how I feel physically and was going to move on to how I feel emotionally and psychologically. I didn’t get past the physical when the previous poured forth.

I share with Lalita’s support and permission as it was sparked from a phrase that came from within her. I love Lalita’s updates as they seem to be so in tune with the journey I travel. I encourage you to have a look and see if they speak to you.

The exchange Lalita and I had after I asked permission to share what had poured forth was nearly indescribable. Two people whose initial responses were kind; although a little less than authentic. Yet, this quickly made way for authentic exchanges.

We were both nearly in tears from having noticed we weren’t speaking our Truth, coming back with Authenticity, connecting with what called for attention and parting having just helped one another pull weeds and plant seeds!! I actually got the benefit of pulling two weeds!

An old childhood wound was one of the weeds. The wound that causes me to feel that I have done something wrong and that I am bad. I was able to soothe that young Camilla and let her know that she had done nothing wrong. That, in fact, she had acted from the heart. And, I was able to do it with Lalita as my witness! I have NEVER done that before. It felt incredible!

The other was the realization of something I had been doing from a place of fear. I was able to see the action would be the same; yet, have a different feeling and outcome when done from a place of love. Amazing, graceful and miraculous even.

If you’re still here after reading this long a** post …. Oceans of love, healthy healing, and warm hugs to you!! xoxo

Blessings,
Camilla
See It. Share It. BE IT … Spread Love Everywhere You Go!

Amazing news! My 17 year old daughter, Lillian Darnell’s debut book, “Where Would You Fly and Other Magical Stories” is published. Learn more and order here

Wonderfully exciting news! My 12 year old son, Thomas Darnell‘s book, Biggest Little Photographer is published. Be inspired! Learn more and order here.

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2 thoughts on “May You See the Beauty of the Internal Scars

  1. What a beautiful and profound post Camilla. You’re so brave to share with us your past weeds, and I’m happy to read you’ve removed two of them, and that you are now planting seeds. This post resonates with me, and I have actually been wanting to write about “weeds” too. What a beautiful coincidence. You’re such a beautiful, strong, loving woman, and I am so thankful for having you as a mentor. Thanks for sharing with us the gift of your writing. Much love, healing, and hugs to you too. <3

  2. So happy it resonates with you Jessica. I am blessed by your trust and the forward movement you are making. Oceans of love and hugs to you too!! xoxo

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