Why I Live Life with Abandon

Bench at Vintage Lake February 2016

Therapists, Teachers and Friends

I don’t even know where to begin and not quite sure how to put into words what I have experienced recently. As I was experiencing the below, thoughts of, “I have got to share this. I must tell someone. I feel like dancing and twirling with the wind, shining like the sun and sharing this with everyone.” were whirling within me. It was incredibly powerful.

In the past few weeks, I’ve been told by several how brave I am, how I am honored for my dedication to being a parent. I’ve also been asked not just recently but several times over the past 7 or 8 years, “How did you process all this, how did you do it? Did you have professional help, a therapist?”

My therapists have been the authors of the books I read. Two of my greatest teachers have been my kids, Thomas and Lillian. Other teachers have been the suffering brought on by my thoughts, beliefs, and ideas, and those with whom I have shared un-lovely moments. The friends I share absolutely everything with are nature, meditation, and my own version of praying.

I continually ask to see things differently, to question the thoughts, ideas and beliefs I have. I ask to unlearn thoughts, beliefs, and ideas that no longer serve me. In the few days before this experience, I had finally come to a point where I authentically released and let go of all that I wish for and want. I let go of it with tremendous love and with the knowing that I would absolutely receive once I let go of the longing.

Here is what I experienced …..

A Bayou Angel

This morning a bayou Angel and her Mom came to my assistance. One who feels I am a gift to her in how I show up and live my life. As I sat eating my dinner of a lovely, big bowl of popcorn, I simply stared into the bowl at each kernel before eating it. (I was enjoying my first night alone, with the house to myself, for the first time in a year.)

Popcorn Dinner June 27 2016

I was listening to Stevie Nicks on Pandora, feeling as if Stevie Nicks and I are soul sisters, like I could physically feel the the impact of the words she sang. As I scooped up and popped the last bit of popcorn into my mouth, the bayou Angel and I exchanged our last email for the day agreeing that our having re-connected was divinely arranged.

To See A World in a Grain of Sand

William Blake’s “To See A World … ” came to mind and it was as if the flood gates opened. Not only to let flow tears of knowing, tears of joy, and tears of love …. It was the flood gates of my entire life flowing out around me and wrapping me in the knowing that there have been no accidents in this life.

To see a World in a Grain of Sand
And a Heaven in a Wild Flower,
Hold Infinity in the palm of your hand 
And Eternity in an hour.

It has been divinely laid out. Every encounter, every relationship, every friendship. I saw the synchronicity of having lived 3 years of my life in Houma Louisiana, the deep unhappiness of my family life at that time, and how the friendships I formed were a saving grace. Not only a saving grace back in the mid 80’s, a saving grace in the year 2013 and 2016. Unbeknownst to me a mutual, symbiotic relationship of one inspiring the other and one becoming a messenger angel for the other.

Everything that I have experienced was laid out in such a way that I could choose a different path at some point in my life. If I didn’t choose that different path, I would most likely still have felt as though I was happy, moving right along side millions of other people doing life the way everyone else is doing life. Or I could have chosen a path on which I numbed myself so as not to feel my emotions and to drown out the callings of my soul; which I did do in my late teens and early 20’s.

Date Day with Thomas June 2016 #15

A Different Path

Yet, I chose the different path. The path that leads to a simple life, a life of ease, a life of valuing something completely different, of knowing the given talent within and of sharing that talent with others. Although it is a path that leads to a life of ease and non-struggle, the walk along that path has certainly not been simple and free of struggle, nor free of suffering.

**LOVE OFFERING** If you find this content helpful, I invite you to toss a tip in the love offering bowl. With oceans of gratitude … Camilla ….

love-cards-in-a-basket-october-2016

It has been a path of confronting feelings about my own self-worth. A path of knowing the deep intrinsic worth of simply BEing. A path of peeling back layer after layer after layer after layer of thoughts, beliefs, and ideas that have compounded throughout this life … and smothered the true me.

I felt as if I was breathing with all of life, all of the earth, and all of the Universe. Two hours time went by and it seemed like it had been 30 minutes.

In the whirling of my life through these flood gates, I felt divinely loved … a pure love so deep I cried sobbing salty tears of joy with the knowing that I am loved, that I have always been loved, and that I AM love.

The knowing sobs ended with a peace and a bliss like I have never felt before that no matter what happens in the next two months and from here forward; everything will be okay and my family will be okay. I will always be loved and be love no matter what.

… And that is what I experienced. These words don’t seem to do it justice. Yet, I have tried to convey the power and beauty of it.

Be the Change

In the past society has taught us (or at least me, anyway) a philosophy of, “If this, than that”. You are only valued IF you live your life a certain way, accomplish certain things, accumulate material items.” … Rather than teaching us as young, sweet, innocent beings that we are valued. Period. There is no, if and when. Period. You are valued.

I take Gandhi’s words of, “You must be the change you wish to see in the world ” straight to my soul. My number one main and most important “job” is ensuring that I “raise” two beings who live life from a place of loving-kindness, who retain peace and joy as they age and are grounded in the knowing of their given talents so as to share those talents for the benefit of others.

And one of the ways in which I carry out this job is to simply be me. To live life from a place of loving-kindness and come to know the given talents I had so deeply buried. And to do this openly with Thomas and Lillian observing and being a part of the process and watching me build a new relationship with myself. (Here’s a wonderfully inspiring, short and beautiful, post by a friend, Tania Marie, titled Portals of Possibilities, which touches on this.)

I single parent the two of them and this is a full time, almost round the clock job. It’s not really a job in the traditional sense of the word as I enjoy getting to do this. I am supposed to be doing this. It’s definitely not always easy or fun, yet those un-lovely times are when we are learning the most and making the greatest progress as human beings.

Crossing the Bridge

WAlk June 19 2016 #4

“And she said, I’m ready to live this life with abandon and joyful bewilderment … I’m crossing that bridge.” ~Camilla Downs

May you take this as you need to receive it. Perhaps a calling to begin questioning why you are doing what you do, what is causing you to make certain decisions. Perhaps to reinforce why you seem to be “bucking” the system, or going against what others think you should be doing.

Perhaps simply to be told that you are loved, you are loved, you are loved and to stop judging yourself.

Blessings,
Camilla
See It. Share It. BE IT … Spread Love Everywhere You Go!

Wonderfully exciting news! We’ve completed the first book trailer for my 10 year old son’s, Thomas Darnell, upcoming book, Biggest Little Photographer. You can learn more and pre-order here.

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2 thoughts on “Why I Live Life with Abandon

  1. Beautiful, meaningful words. Gorgeous photos. You are truly talented Camilla.

  2. Thank you so very much Debbie! I’m blessed that this was meaningful for you. Sending oceans of love and hugs to YOU! xoxo

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