**THROWBACK POST**
(Cloud Angel – Taken by me during a 2016 or 2017 walk)
August 25 2017
Friday, August 25, 2017, was the day “lightning” struck my heart. It was intense and was the culmination of a month long journey of confusion, worry, discombobulation, frustrations, and dead ends.
Tempered with moments of knowing that this was the work of my psyche and being an observer to the pure madness it was stirring up. (Just to be clear, I am not speaking literally of lightning striking my heart. It’s simply a metaphor for the culmination of a series of events which opened my heart and lightened it.)
The day began by waking with mild anger within me that intensified as the morning progressed. I made my way to the grocery story early. I could feel the anger growing within me.
Next, I made my way to the used book store to pick up a book they had on hold for me. Turns out they re-shelved it two days earlier as I didn’t show up to get it and now it was on hold for someone else. Somewhere along the way I lost a day or two. That was the straw that broke me and made way for the lightning strike.
As I drove away I began sobbing and I felt an urge to scream as loud as I could. I could hold this baggage in no longer. So, I did. I screamed so loud and for so long, “Why, Why, Why”, over and over.
For a split second, I feared I may bust my ear drums with the sheer volume of the screaming. I’m quite sure I have never yelled that loud before. My face felt like it would explode! Then there was a lot of cussing at everyone and everything that came to mind. Sealed with lots of sobbing, sobbing, sobbing.
I felt like I had let myself finally feel some past and current emotions and released them. There was still some releasing to process and it climaxed around lunch time with a full blown potty mouth smack down of the food I was using to make lunch. I felt more of the anger release after that.
Then I sat down and saw I had a new email titled, “Starting, Over and Over Again.” The content of that email guided the release of the remaining anger. A sweet wave of Pure peace and relief embraced me at that point. I had finally connected with and let myself feel and process old and new emotions.
Next, This Happened
One, beautiful, kind, loving gesture. If you have the opportunity to share loving kindness with someone, I beg of you to do it.
You never know what they carry on their shoulders and your act could be the one thing that offers them much needed relief; before they explode or implode. And also restores their faith and knowing in themselves and others.
Someone saying, “yes” to you when it’s been a month of “No” and negative events. That just happened this afternoon. It landed on this heart with such gratitude and relief.
And, from all places, an employee at the Reno Social Security office. I had requested a waiver of an amount owed to Social Security due to an error (having to do with Lillian’s SSI). I felt the two items required to be met for the approval of the waiver, were met.
I had received a letter denying it, and a conference was automatically set for today so that an uninvolved third party could review with me. He agreed with me, and with a few strokes of the keyboard, waived the amount.
That landed on a heart that is parched and thirsted for relief. I hope I didn’t embarrass him. I blessed him and left in tears. Relief, Dear God, Relief from one issue. Thank you, Thank you, Thank you!!! Thank you to Happy, my Guardian Angel. And, thank you to Ram Dass as I sat reading one of his books while waiting. And, And, Thank You to my Mammaw, Elnor Downs, whose presence I felt with me while waiting.
I Let Myself Connect and Feel
This is what happened the day lightning struck my heart. I let myself connect and feel, the new and the old. The shell around my heart was split wide open and warm Divine love poured into me. Deep relief and peace were with me the rest of the day … and still are.
I acknowledged the yearnings of my heart and soul. I let them know that we will have that which we all desire. Just not yet. And I asked for patience while I fully unearth, connect, feel, release and transform into that which is needed for the light I am to fully shine in this life.
The Beginning of the Month Long Emotional Roller Coaster Ride
This actually began back in mid-June when I applied for a Library Assistant position with Washoe County Library System. My deep love of the written word and the mission of library systems is what led me to this and with encouragement from the Librarian at our local library. I also knew that I needed some relief from the pressure of financial obligations. Yet, I feel strongly that whatever I do must be aligned with my heart.
My application was accepted, I was scheduled for and took the test in mid July. I learned while at the Chromosome 18 conference that I passed the test within the needed percentage to be called in for an interview. I interviewed in mid July and felt sure I’d get offered a position as there were four openings. I received the results of the interview on August 2nd.
Wait, Let’s Back Up
The lease for our apartment was up on August 19th and the renewal lease came wrapped with a pretty significant rent increase. If we were going to move, I needed to give a 30 Day Notice to Move; which would land on July 19th. I had calculated that we would not be able to stay here if I did not have some type of part time income flowing our way.
I had to decide, without knowing whether I would get offered the Library Assistant position, whether or not to give the notice. I asked the management if I could back out of the Notice if it turned out I was offered the job and they said, “Absolutely!” So with that, I took a leap of faith and turned in the notice on July 19th.
On August 2nd, while on the Thomas and Camilla August Date Day, I received the email from Washoe County letting me know I was not offered an assistant position. I thought I had been doing a good job at staying detached from the outcome.
Yet, when I received that message, it felt like my entire world came crashing down around me. I kept thinking, “What the heck just happened?” And, of course, my psyche was full of commentary on what I had done wrong during the interview.
Fortunately, Thomas and I were at Sand Harbor, Lake Tahoe when I received the news. Her precious waters soothed me and absorbed some of the disappointment. I was in a foggy, confused, mess of a state for the next couple of days.
Once the fog cleared, I began simultaneously packing more, looking and applying for part time work, and looking for a less expensive place to live. In addition, to exploring ideas that didn’t involve signing a year long lease; such as a motor home or a temporary place for a month or two.
And This Was Also Happening During The Month
I was notified that a small percentage of our current income was to be reduced.
Lillian’s craniosacral therapist left a message that we needed to cancel Lillian’s next appointment as Anthem Blue Cross has decided they will not pay for more sessions.
I received a few “no thanks” responses to jobs for which I had applied or interviewed.
We were denied for a place that would have been perfect! The population has increased so much in Reno that there are thirty or more people trying to get one place. The rental prices have increased beyond a typical increase. When already existing apartments had a vacancy, it was snapped up quickly. New construction apartments have waiting lists; for apartments that won’t even be finished for a year or more.
I had difficulties finding a storage unit that would be large enough that wasn’t overpriced. Those were also being snapped up quickly. Any size of U-Haul truck was not available between August 24 and September 3rd due to Burning Man.
All of these things happening within close proximity were extremely overwhelming.
**February 2021 Update**
It’s pretty wild having stumbled across this while housecleaning on my blog. I remember all of this like it was yesterday, with deep compassion for the 2017 Camilla. I’m shedding tears now for her, and the path she traveled. I did indeed keep the patience, and continue moving forward.
November 2019 brought much relief in the form of a new, affordable place to live. And, February 2020 brought relief by way of a steady income. I am deeply grateful to the friends who stood by me, during those years, and for The Romano Duo and my dad for all that they did to help us.
What a heavy load I was carrying. I’m grateful to be on the other side of it.
Blessings,
Camilla
See It. Share It. BE IT … Spread Love Everywhere You Go!
“Words of Alchemy”, published December 2019, is a free-verse poetry memoir covering the last 6 years of my life. The poetry of nature, the poetry of healing, the poetry of appreciation, the poetry of love, in one beautiful book.
Amazing news! My 19 year old daughter, Lillian Darnell’s debut book, “Where Would You Fly and Other Magical Stories” was published January 2018. Learn more and order here.
Wonderfully exciting news! My 15 year old son, Thomas Darnell‘s book, Biggest Little Photographer is published. Be inspired! Learn more and order here.