Facing Fear – I Welcome You

Thomas Cole (American, 1801 - 1848), The Voyage of Life: Youth, 1842, oil on canvas, Ailsa Mellon Bruce Fund 1971.16.2

Thomas Cole (American, 1801 – 1848), The Voyage of Life: Youth, 1842, oil on canvas, Ailsa Mellon Bruce Fund 1971.16.2

The Best Version of Me

I expect and know I will see the possibilities and opportunities in this situation. I will Know when to take action. And, I will be the best version of me that I can possibly be. 

I welcome this fear and I take it’s hand as I walk through the foggy illusion fear creates. As I reach the other side I gently release the hand of fear and lovingly whisper, “Thank you.”

Thank you for helping me to see and know the walls as an illusion. The walls I have felt trapped within, no matter which path I chose. Thank you for allowing me to see that even though I may outwardly seem to conform; within I know the Truth. I hold that Truth close to my Heart, so that I may freely and openly share the Gift of my Heart as only I can do in the Way I came forth to share. 

Break Free of Illusions

I thank you for helping me to see the opportunities and possibilities in seemingly difficult situations. I thank you for teaching me to expect opportunities and possibilities so that I may break free of the illusions of these Worldly rules. I thank you for teaching me that being Good and doing things how they are expected is not a requirement. Thank you for teaching me that fitting in is not a requirement of BEing on this Earth. 

Fear keeps us focused on the past or worried about the future. If we can acknowledge our fear, we can realize that right now we are okay. Right now, today, we are still alive, and our bodies are working marvelously. Our eyes can still see the beautiful sky. Our ears can still hear the voices of our loved ones. – Thich Nhat Hanh

Thank you for teaching me the Truth, my Truth. A Truth that at times, creates heaviness and an internal explosion so fierce I feel I may die from the physical discomfort it brings. A discomfort so unbearable I contemplate if leaving this Earthly body is the way to Freedom from these Worldly rules. Thank you for teaching me in the next second that these thoughts are a trick of the Ego. As are all thoughts that cause me to whither and hide the Light Within. 

Thank you for teaching me how to make a decision from a Knowing and Trusting place of Love. Thank you for teaching me the difference between this Knowing and being stuck in a sludgy tar filled pit of despair, anxiety, fear, and loneliness.

The Key to Freedom

Thank you to the Angels who have come into my life to Guide me in seeing the illusion of the sludgy tar filled pit. Thank you for showing me Where the Key to Freedom lay in wait. Thank you for not giving up on me. Thank you for holding space for me to learn and process what has been necessary for grasping this Key and using it as was meant.

Thank you to those who have given up on me. Thank you to those who have turned away from me. Thank you to those who have lost patience with this path I travel. For you have been an integral piece of my Truth as well. 

I expect and know I will see and act upon the possibilities and opportunities in this situation. I am no longer stuck in the sludgy tar filled pit. I am ready to live my Truth. I am ready to receive the slings and arrows that come my way as I live this Truth. I am ready to Love myself, and to give and receive Love. I am FREE. Freedom. Hallelujah! -©2018, Camilla Downs

Blessings,
Camilla
See It. Share It. BE IT … Spread Love Everywhere You Go!

Amazing news! My 16 year old daughter, Lillian Darnell’s debut book, “Where Would You Fly and Other Magical Stories” is published. Learn more and order here

Wonderfully exciting news! My 12 year old son, Thomas Darnell‘s book, Biggest Little Photographer is published. Be inspired! Learn more and order here.

And my book published in 2012, D iz for Different – One Woman’s Journey to Acceptance; which reached #2 in the Self-Help Category and #1 in Special Needs Parenting on Amazon.

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Alchemy: A Haunting Memory Reveals the Truth

A Haunting Memory

Tree Roots Walking Through Tunnel Post 8.4.17

Why does this memory haunt her? Why does it keep returning? She does not remember the exact age of when this happened. She would have been 5, 6 or 7 years old. The past couple of years when this memory surfaced she has taken the time to feel emotions she buried from that time …. sadness and anger. Event though she remembers not who was involved, she has forgiven whoever it was.

She used to ignore it. Telling herself either she imagined it or if it happened then it lives in the past and does not matter. Which she does believe to be partly true. It is in the past and no longer exists. Yet, she left something of herself in that crawl space, behind a locked door. Something that begs to be retrieved.

She bears no anger towards the one or ones who thought it fun or a game or just plain unkind to lock her in that crawl space. She has been patient each time the memory surfaces. Recently she wrote about it in great detail in a “written quilt piece” in preparation for an upcoming memoir. Well, the details she can remember.

The Meditation Alchemy

Perhaps that writing was the catalyst to finally retrieving what she had left there. She traveled to that crawl space once again on May 30, 2018. Not by a conscious choice. She was divinely led there. With eyes closed, seated comfortably and relaxed; she was invited to imagine herself in a cocoon. Her heart and mind took her straight to that crawl space behind the locked door. She found herself alternating between difficulty breathing and her breath quickening as she felt paralyzing anxiety.

She was invited to imagine two layers to the cocoon and that she was about dissolve one layer. The first of these layers appeared to be the lock of the door. The door handle melted into a silken gold liquid with the embrace of pure, divine love. The second layer to be dissolved was the door. As she watched in her mind’s eye the wooden door magically rotted and dissolved into the dirt floor of the crawl space.

She was also invited to see a symbol or word held within the cocoon that she was to take with her. She was guided to know that this symbol holds meaning as to why she is here on this Earth and here at this time, and that this is the message she is to share with others. Surprising to her, she saw a beautiful symbol that had come into her life at about the age of twenty.

Real True Sincere Tattoo June 2018

A Japanese symbol she had chosen to have permanently etched onto her skin. At the age of twenty she did not know the depth of why she chose this symbol. Well, other than the fact that it only cost $20 and that’s about all she had to spend on permanent body art. This is that symbol and its meaning is real, true, and sincere. Floating underneath the symbol was the word “write”.

The Truth is Revealed

Clouds May 2018 #1

She absorbed the symbol and word into the loving embrace of her heart as she emerged from the crawl space with a knowing as to why she had to keep returning. It wasn’t to torture herself, nor to stay living in the past, nor to have sadness and anger; of which the latter was long gone.

She now knew that she had left parts of her Worth in that crawl space, mixed in with the well packed dirt floor. Pieces of it dislodged from her heart and scattered amongst the dust particles in the coolness of that dark place. She now retrieved the pieces of Worth and became aware that hanging around her neck from a golden silk cord was an aqua colored pen engraved with the word “Jump”. She flew peacefully from that crawl space on gypsy wings inscribed with authenticity, truth, sincerity and love.

Clouds May 2018 #2

She continues to write to this day. Her writing has evolved and shifted over the years and ever remains authentic, true, and sincere. Watch for it. One day one of her writings may sweep you away to travels that excite, delight, or may even bring an alchemical experience of your own.

Please be kind with yourself should you be experiencing recurring unlovely memories of the past. Know you are not doing it to torture yourself. Be patient and the truth shall be revealed when you are ready. And so it is.

**Special thanks to Jessica Levity Daylover and The Alchemist Theatre members. Jessica’s magical meditations and the entire show almost always spark an amazing “story” for me. That’s where this one was born!**

It was pretty wild! Like, “Oh, now I see why this has kept coming up. Got it. Worth retrieved! Let’s do this!!” Definitely some alchemy happening!!

Blessings,
Camilla
See It. Share It. BE IT … Spread Love Everywhere You Go!

Amazing news! My 16 year old daughter, Lillian Darnell’s debut book, “Where Would You Fly and Other Magical Stories” is published. Learn more and order here

Wonderfully exciting news! My 12 year old son, Thomas Darnell‘s book, Biggest Little Photographer is published. Be inspired! Learn more and order here.

And my book published in 2012, D iz for Different – One Woman’s Journey to Acceptance; which reached #2 in the Self-Help Category and #1 in Special Needs Parenting on Amazon.

Latest Articles:
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Neither Side Holds the Answer

The Catalyst

This side. That side. Neither side holds the answer. That lies within.

….. from a recent walk …..

Bridge Walk with Thomas Vintage Lake 5.15.18

Thomas and I spent quite some time in this spot discussing things that were on his mind. Approaching from the other side was a group of wildly loud and profanity spewing kids ranging from a toddler to teenager.

They stopped to throw huge rocks at the geese and goslings. I could not sit idly by and observe this. I felt anger brewing, yet knew this not to be the answer as that must be all these kids know to be behaving in such a manner.

The Response

They dispersed from scaring the geese and goslings as I approached. Fortunately, none were injured. I do not remember the exact words that came forth. Yet, I channeled my inner Buddha and asked them to search for the love and kindness in their heart. And I pointed out that the geese are living beings and should not be treated in this way.

Some scattered. Some stood tall and laughed. Yet, if my calmness and non-threatening communication touched just one of them. Then, that’s one. They need a different way modeled. xoxo

As I attempted to fall asleep last night I mulled over and over how I could have handled this differently, perhaps more effectively, and even woke up thinking about it. I finally “woke up” and let it go knowing that I did the best I could do. xoxo

The Reflection

** I shared this on facebook and the following are further remarks from me sparked by other’s comments:

The older boys were expecting me to be harsh. They were so shocked with what I said that the oldest one’s mouth actually dropped open in disbelief!

I was filled with an odd mixture of anger and compassion for these young men. My thoughts were that they must be on the receiving end of MUCH unkindness from the adults around them and have not been shown the kindness and love that is in our hearts … and never shown that it is in their hearts too ….

What I had within me was an odd mixture of anger and compassion for the one’s mistreating the geese. It is my hope that the words and energy I shared were like a ripple created from a pebble thrown into the water. Maybe. Just maybe the ripple stuck with one of them ….

I had the opportunity to do this once again a few days later with the one who continues to think harshly of me and speak harshly of me to Lillian and Thomas. Anger, sadness, and confusion were the first response, yet I was able to transmute that after morning meditation and journal writing into compassion and knowing.

The Knowing

To Know with the Heart is to Know that their actions and words do not come from the True Self. They are from fear. It has been TWELVE years and still continues. I harbor no anger. Sadness and confusion at times, until I remember what I Know in my Heart.

Blessings,
Camilla
See It. Share It. BE IT … Spread Love Everywhere You Go!

Amazing news! My 16 year old daughter, Lillian Darnell’s debut book, “Where Would You Fly and Other Magical Stories” is published. Learn more and order here

Wonderfully exciting news! My 12 year old son, Thomas Darnell‘s book, Biggest Little Photographer is published. Be inspired! Learn more and order here.

And my book published in 2012, D iz for Different – One Woman’s Journey to Acceptance; which reached #2 in the Self-Help Category and #1 in Special Needs Parenting on Amazon.

Latest Articles:
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Love and Hearts: Refuel and Nourish Your Body

Love Flakes Heart 5.23.18

Just as I refuel and nourish your physical body,
You must take action to refuel and nourish your emotional and creative body.

You cannot serve others if you are deeply depleted.

Creativity and improvising become clouded and stagnant when you are depleted.

You tell yourself you must continue, yet unless you give yourself time away from those who unknowingly drain you; your circumstances will not improve.

There are those in your life you simply cannot distance yourself and break free from due to your role as caregiver.

Yet, you can begin to schedule time to replenish and refuel so that you can be loving and compassionate in this role.

Take heed. This must be done for your mental and emotional health. And, it must be done for those you love.

Love,
The Cereal
xoxo

(Written May 2018)

Well, lately I haven’t. Hence, this mornings message. I actually received it last night but this brought clarity. I had hit the point of no return last night. It hurt to even walk. I have been completely overwhelmed, sad, and absolutely not creative. And, this message is why. I am beyond empty. Deeply empty!! There aren’t even fumes to keep me going. I’ve been on empty for probably 2 years. I feel so much better having realized what’s going on and I took time to write this morning. I’ll be writing a blog post to expand on this so stay tuned.

Blessings,
Camilla
See It. Share It. BE IT … Spread Love Everywhere You Go!

Amazing news! My 16 year old daughter, Lillian Darnell’s debut book, “Where Would You Fly and Other Magical Stories” is published. Learn more and order here

Wonderfully exciting news! My 12 year old son, Thomas Darnell‘s book, Biggest Little Photographer is published. Be inspired! Learn more and order here.

And my book published in 2012, D iz for Different – One Woman’s Journey to Acceptance; which reached #2 in the Self-Help Category and #1 in Special Needs Parenting on Amazon.

Latest Articles:
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The Alchemy of Writing

“I learn by going where I have to go.” -Theodore Roethke

Walk Vintage Lake Path 5.30.18 #3

Why

I Know that I am supposed to share that which I experience, that which I live. I know that I am supposed to share it by way of writing, so I do. I release it to fly free …

In searching my blog for other articles I’ve written about writing, I came across this one from May 2016 …

I feel it is my purpose to openly share my own life experiences with others. I freely explain and share lessons I’ve learned and practices I use that work for me and my family. If needed, I listen with love and compassion and intuitively share thoughts and examples from my own life.

“The meaningful question is never what we did yesterday, but what we have learned from it and are doing today ….. No one can help with anything like someone who has been through the pain themselves.” – A Return to Love by Marianne Williamson

There is something inside of me that won’t let me not write. Something that gently nudges and says, “You’ve just got to share that.”

When I write I can hardly contain the emotions I feel inside. The emotions are as hot as lava and as sweet as honeysuckle – from the pit of my belly all the way up to my throat.

To read the entire post from 2016, go here “Why I Write“.

How

Everything I write has been experienced and lived by me. When I sit to write, at times I listen to music, and at others I write in silence. I lay my fingers to rest on the keyboard of my well worn laptop. I close my eyes, take a deep breath, and type a few words.

Camilla's laptop 7.14.18

Once the first few words appear on the screen, something within takes over. My heart begins to race with the excitement of opening a meticulously wrapped gift. I become lost in another dimension. My fingers and hands become warm, the veins in my hands rising like miniature mountains. Interestingly, forming a large H on my left hand and a large Y on my right hand. (Which happened as I was writing this passage ….. !!)

Left hand Typing 7.14.18 Right hand Typing 7.14.18

The words begin to flow as fast and smooth as water running from a faucet. I type as fast as my fingers and hands will allow. For which I am thankful for having had typing class in high school.

At times, I notice I have forgotten to take a breath for fear of missing the words that are streaming forth. Yet, I know the words I miss will return at some point or they will land with another to share in their own way. In the past I fretted over the words that go away. Now I know that it matters not. All comes forth in perfect timing.

The Alchemy

Writing is my witness, my alchemy, my soul song. Writing is my therapist, my medicine, my best friend, my parent, my sibling, and my lover.

It is the way I connect with life so that I can release it and to also receive advice, solutions, and be consoled. Writing alchemizes what I experience; guiding me to the lesson I am to learn, memories I am to remember and release, and to the Knowing of why I am experiencing whatever it is.

This is not to say that writing replaces any of these roles, it simply enhances them.

The Vow

I vow to write.

I vow to listen for what to write. I vow to write even if no one reads what is written. I vow to write even if it turns some away. I vow to write for the writing is the food that feeds my soul. I vow to write until the day I am no longer inhabiting this beautiful Earth.

I vow to write. And, I vow to let myself not write when the time calls for it; not feeling guilty or a failure for doing so.

Camilla at Damonte Ranch Trail Fall 2015

Blessings,
Camilla
See It. Share It. BE IT … Spread Love Everywhere You Go!

Amazing news! My 16 year old daughter, Lillian Darnell’s debut book, “Where Would You Fly and Other Magical Stories” is published. Learn more and order here

Wonderfully exciting news! My 12 year old son, Thomas Darnell‘s book, Biggest Little Photographer is published. Be inspired! Learn more and order here.

And my book published in 2012, D iz for Different – One Woman’s Journey to Acceptance; which reached #2 in the Self-Help Category and #1 in Special Needs Parenting on Amazon.

Latest Articles:
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Have Patience When Dancing with the Shadows – The Urban Howl

“Life is a dance with the light and the shadows.” …. xoxo … Let’s Dance … xoxo

Much gratitude to The Urban Howl for publishing another of my writings …

The Moon After the Alchemist Theater Show 1.31.18

Slipped into the shadows
of your being, you have.
When sadness and lack
have settled within.
When comparison of
oneself with others
is the theme
of the day.

When appreciation …. click below to read further …

Have Patience When Dancing With The Shadows Of Your Being

Blessings,
Camilla
See It. Share It. BE IT … Spread Love Everywhere You Go!

Amazing news! My 16 year old daughter, Lillian Darnell’s debut book, “Where Would You Fly and Other Magical Stories” is published. Learn more and order here

Wonderfully exciting news! My 12 year old son, Thomas Darnell‘s book, Biggest Little Photographer is published. Be inspired! Learn more and order here.

And my book published in 2012, D iz for Different – One Woman’s Journey to Acceptance; which reached #2 in the Self-Help Category and #1 in Special Needs Parenting on Amazon.

Latest Articles:
[catlist name=blog]

Poetry and Photography: Knowing of the Heart

There’s nothing better than a walk with my loves – Thomas and Lillian. I cherish every walk taken with each one of them. Every walk …. Since they were wee tiny ones growing within me. Lillian and I have taken walks together for nearly 17 years! And Thomas and I for nearly 13 years! Love, sweet love. xoxo

Destinations and Experiences Poem Vintage lake May 2018

Thomas and Lillian

We have come together upon this Earth
to travel our own separate paths
Yet, traveling them together.

It has not escaped my attention
that there were and are places
and experiences we talked and
dreamed of experiencing.

Our lives together seem to
have become mundane and boring.

Seeming to have the same days
over and over again.
With little new experiences
by way of sights, sounds,
and experiences.

Sadness and failure encroached
upon these shoulders and heart
As the message of how
important it is to
travel with one’s family.

Travel so as to have one to one
time together … away from the
normalcy and sameness of
being in the same place and routines.

Yet, before the cloud could
fully envelop this heart,
the heart whispered to
the sadness a response
so profound and enlightening
the sadness and failure
did halt and lift to be
transmuted to peace and knowing.

The heart whispered …
Wait.

Each walk taken,
Each drive around
neighborhoods,
Each date day,
Each spontaneous trip
for simple life’s
necessities,
Each trip to the park,
Each drive to a lookout
to watch the sunset or
have a car picnic,
Each occasion you chose
to make special …
Each of those times was
a trip to a beautiful
and everlasting destination.

You and your chidren
have taken many trips.
They may not be the
actual destinations the
three of you envisioned.

No. They are not.

Yet, each of these trips
led to destinations
that many may never get
a chance to experience.

The trip. The destination.
Within you it is.
Take it with you
always, you do.
This is the alchemy
of the heart.

Glory be.
Take notice of
your profound ability
to make something
out of seemingly nothing.

Know this.
And be free.
Hallelujah!

Blessings,
Camilla
See It. Share It. BE IT … Spread Love Everywhere You Go!

Amazing news! My 16 year old daughter, Lillian Darnell’s debut book, “Where Would You Fly and Other Magical Stories” is published. Learn more and order here

Wonderfully exciting news! My 12 year old son, Thomas Darnell‘s book, Biggest Little Photographer is published. Be inspired! Learn more and order here.

And my book published in 2012, D iz for Different – One Woman’s Journey to Acceptance; which reached #2 in the Self-Help Category and #1 in Special Needs Parenting on Amazon.

Latest Articles:
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Poetry and Photography: The Silence

Goose Feather with Water Droplets Poem 5.23.18

The squark of the seagull overhead.
The beep and roar of the construction equipment.
The call and honk of the geese.

The thunder of the leaf blower.
The slow ripples in the lake.
The ever so gentle harmony of the song birds.

The blare of horns in the distance.
The melodic quack of the duck.
The squawking of the coot.

I close my eyes and I become one with all.
I lose the feeling of this body and meld with
the oneness of all that surrounds me.

This is life.
This is love.
And so it is.
©️2018 Camilla Downs

Blessings,
Camilla
See It. Share It. BE IT … Spread Love Everywhere You Go!

Amazing news! My 16 year old daughter, Lillian Darnell’s debut book, “Where Would You Fly and Other Magical Stories” is published. Learn more and order here

Wonderfully exciting news! My 12 year old son, Thomas Darnell‘s book, Biggest Little Photographer is published. Be inspired! Learn more and order here.

And my book published in 2012, D iz for Different – One Woman’s Journey to Acceptance; which reached #2 in the Self-Help Category and #1 in Special Needs Parenting on Amazon.

Latest Articles:
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May We All Release & Expose The Beautiful Space Within – The Urban Howl

Another huge thanks to The Urban Howl for sharing one of my writings!!

There is a space within
A space occupied, it was.

Occupied with judgment
Occupied with harshness
Occupied with unkind thoughts
towards others.

There is a space within
where the darkness
of judgment used to live.

Judgment lives
here no more.
Evicted.
It has been.

There is a …. Go to the below link to read further …

May We All Release & Expose The Beautiful Space Within

Blessings,
Camilla
See It. Share It. BE IT … Spread Love Everywhere You Go!

Amazing news! My 16 year old daughter, Lillian Darnell’s debut book, “Where Would You Fly and Other Magical Stories” is published. Learn more and order here

Wonderfully exciting news! My 12 year old son, Thomas Darnell‘s book, Biggest Little Photographer is published. Be inspired! Learn more and order here.

Latest Articles:
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The Walk of Alchemy

Pink Tree Blossoms The Vintage 4.20.18

I went for walk this morning.

Not unlike many mornings over the past 17 years. The meaning and depth of the walk has shifted throughout the years. What began as a way to exercise and get fresh air has shifted to be much deeper than that.

I have experienced many mindful walks. Walking slower than usual, listening, feeling, and smelling in silence.

Yet, this morning I knew it was time to experience a truly mindful walk. One in which one step is taken with each in breath, and one step for each out breath.

I did this for 5 minutes during the middle of my regular walk. Five minutes doesn’t sound like that long. I know. In a world where we are going, going, going and going fast; a 5 minute mindful walk felt like a good 30 minutes.

When I began I kept having thoughts of what others would think if they saw me. Would they be thinking, “What is that woman doing? She’s barely moving!” Yet, I repeatedly brought my thoughts back to the in and out breath and each step. At the same time I was feeling anxious, almost like I was going too damn slow for our modern life. Yet again, I repeatedly brought my thoughts back to the in and out breath and each step.

Alchemy Happens

And something magical happened. I could hear the bird song with much deeper clarity. I could feel the trees. A Divine peace floated through me like a soft breeze on a warm spring day. I actually almost lost my balance a few times. I guess the body wasn’t used to going this slow with each step. I found I had to consciously tell my feet to hold up. Not so fast there!

Time felt slowed, the world felt slower. Mother Nature and her helper animals ever so gently took the worry, the sadness, the heavy feelings and transformed them into peace.

I went for a walk this morning. After the walk, I had a simple day of clarity, knowing, and peace. Peace within is a true gift. Peace within is like a decadent favorite food slowly savored, held in the mouth with patience so as to taste every hint of flavor.

This type of mindful walking will now become a part of my walking routine. I am eternally grateful to and for Thich Nhat Hahn for the mindfulness, peace, love, and non-violence he shares and teaches the world.

I went for a walk this morning. It changed my life.

**I have been meditating and taking walks of silence for nearly 10 years. Your experience may not be the same as mine the first time you take a mindful walk like this.

Thich Nhat Hahn Quote April 2018

Blessings,
Camilla
See It. Share It. BE IT … Spread Love Everywhere You Go!

Amazing news! My 16 year old daughter, Lillian Darnell’s debut book, “Where Would You Fly and Other Magical Stories” is published. Learn more and order here

Wonderfully exciting news! My 12 year old son, Thomas Darnell‘s book, Biggest Little Photographer is published. Be inspired! Learn more and order here.

And my book published in 2012, D iz for Different – One Woman’s Journey to Acceptance; which reached #2 in the Self-Help Category and #1 in Special Needs Parenting on Amazon.

Latest Articles:
[catlist name=blog]