Nature is a Wonderful Guide

**THROWBACK POST** (Still housecleaning the blog. At least I’ve reached 2016 now!)


(Photos of us – Team TLC – 2016)

February 11 2016

“I think.
Lillian worries.
Camilla just is.”

Thomas wisdom shared last night as we were reading in my bed before going to sleep …

He had a rough day yesterday. He made a choice at school that caused an unlovely consequence.

On the ride home I let him know he could not use his digital time as he overused it in the morning. By the time we got home he was in much distress. He had a full blown meltdown when he got home and I knew we needed to go for a walk.

I shared how unhealthy it is to not let oneself feel and experience anger and other negative emotions. That we must find that place where we can let ourself feel it physically, being with it, and without hooking into the story of the negative emotion; which can cause us to be harsh with others.

Nature is a wonderful guide during times like these, times when we resist feeling the rawness of life. About an hour after our walk Thomas had settled into acceptance and we had a great night. May you take advantage of the gift of nature when needed. xoxo

*************

I needed this reminder today. I’ve been having a rough past two weeks.

I’m exhausted. My body aches. My back aches. My shoulders ache. My neck aches. My hips ache. I’m sad and I’ve been sobbing on and off all day. I’m deeply tired. 

And, I’d just really like someone else to take care of me and everything else for a week or two …

I know that this too shall pass … However, in the midst of this crud, is definitely an unlovely place to be. I’m glad I’m still housecleaning on my blog and that I came across this one.

Here’s to feeling all the feels … May they move on through …

Blessings,
Camilla
See It. Share It. BE IT … Spread Love Everywhere You Go!

Amazing news! My 17 year old daughter, Lillian Darnell’s debut book, “Where Would You Fly and Other Magical Stories” was published January 2018. Learn more and order here.

Wonderfully exciting news! My 13 year old son, Thomas Darnell‘s book, Biggest Little Photographer is still available. Be inspired! Learn more and order here.

Go here to see latest soul writings. xoxo

 

Always Hear the Children

**THROWBACK POST**

July 30 2018:

Found while walking Yonce, the french bulldog, this morning. To be followed by passing a bouncy young girl of about 7 years old walking with her grandma.

As I walked by the young girl, I smiled, made eye contact, and said “hello”. To which she quickly said to her grandma, “Grandma, I want that lady to be my mom.” Grandma swiftly replies no and they continue walking.

Sweet girl, I wrap you and your family in oceans of love and pray for grace, courage, and strength for whatever is going on in your lives; whether it be a small or big issue or whether you were even just playing a game. And I pray that your voice is always heard. xoxo …

May each of us always be open to seeing and hearing children as they need us to see and hear them. Their precious hearts need us to see and hear their truth.

Blessings,
Camilla
See It. Share It. BE IT … Spread Love Everywhere You Go!

Amazing news! My 17 year old daughter, Lillian Darnell’s debut book, “Where Would You Fly and Other Magical Stories” was published January 2018. Learn more and order here.

Wonderfully exciting news! My 13 year old son, Thomas Darnell‘s book, Biggest Little Photographer is published. Be inspired! Learn more and order here.

Go here to see latest soul writings. xoxo

 

Happy Birthday to Me – Reuniting With Someone Special

**I wrote this on February 27, 2019 … One day after my 49th birthday.

Just when I thought the really deep, tough stuff was all done ….

Around the 1st of February 2019, I began to feel anxious and restless. A knowing was woken within me that I had forgotten. Many, many, many years ago I had turned my back on someone who needed me. I broke loose from this relationship and built a strong, heavy door between the two of us. I wanted nothing to do with the sadness, envy, and jealousy she held within. I was sick and tired of being around this heavy, dark energy. So. I left without even an explanation.

In the midst of coming to this knowing, I experienced a series of three events in a one week period that caused me to view myself as a failure. A failure as a parent, a failure as a friend, and a failure at a work project. I sat with the emotions this brought forth and when I remembered, I invited it all with open arms and when I remembered, I loved myself during these harsh thoughts.

A pattern surfaced. I took notes, looking back at past events to round up as many events as possible that came back to this same pattern. Then, I had one of the most amazing aha moments.

I came to know that the feelings and emotions that were felt during and after these three events, were from within the one I had abandoned. These were her actions and her emotions.

Who is this one I turned my back on years ago? She is my inner child, little Camilla. I had not realized when I brushed aside all of the harshness experienced in my youth and younger years; that I had turned my back on her and how she viewed life.

What I came to know near the beginning of this month is that I am needed by her. We need each other. She knows things about my childhood. I know a few things about this journey I’ve traveled and kinda sort of, a few things about being an adult. I realized she could give me back my childhood, help me to remember what my dreams were, what my interests were, what I loved to do as a child.

I also realized that I could help her to not view life the way in which she does. Not to her fault. She views life in the way it was modeled to her when she was a youngster and by way of just assuming things on her own. She was unintentionally neglected then and has been neglected by me ever since the day I left and built the door between us.

Once I realized this, I began the work of tearing down that door. I lovingly let her know how sorry I was for abandoning her. I let her know I would ever more be here for her, that I trust her, I believe in her, I see her, and I hear her. I let her know that even if she never trusts me and never reveals her secrets to me; I will be here, unconditionally loving her and acknowledging how she feels.

As often as I can remember, I will place my hand on my heart, and send the message to her that she is loved, she is seen, she is heard, that I believe in her. I will share the message that life does not have to be as she assumed or witnessed. Life can be as I have learned it can be, as I have lived it, as I have envisioned and as I know it to be. Once the two of us reunite, and join, we will know this as one and it can become our united path.

Such peace is with me knowing that I am reuniting with little Camilla. Knowing when I am triggered and these same emotions, thoughts, and feelings surface, that they are coming from her, the sweet child within. Now that I know this, I am able to comfort her and let her know this is not how it has to be. There is another way.

What a beautiful miracle it is to recognize from where these feelings of being left out, feelings of doing it wrong, feelings of only getting the scraps of life, what’s left over, and feelings of unworthiness, envy, sadness, and jealousy originate. I say again, what a beautiful miracle.

**************************

Being more than a month out from this experience, I have moved through it and am in a place of peace, beauty and joy. I accept these moments when they arise and move through them. For my own benefit and for the benefit of humanity. For I do believe every single bit of healing we do for ourself, goes towards global healing as well. Much love to all of YOU!!

Now, to share the birthday celebrations with you ……..

Just had to show off this lovely creation by my sweet friend Jessica Araus!! Sweet and perfect!!

And, my mantra for the day from sweet friend, Cat Murray …. “I am shiny” … Heeheehee!!

And, and this beautiful birthday blessing from my beautiful friend Lalita Simon-Creasey …

Happy Birthday to you dearest Camilla
I wish to ye with that most beautiful of smiles
Fall deeper and deeper in love with who you are
Seeing grace and beauty everywhere as you travel through the miles.

May today be the beginning of everything true
May you be fulfilled, cherished and joyfully happy
May you see always truest beauty inside you
May you smile as you read these words of prosperity.

With lots of love on your birthday and always,
Lalita

**********************

Photos of the 2019 birthday celebrations!!

We enjoyed a special birthday dinner at The Romano Duo’s place the night before my birthday.

It was a nasty drive from Reno to Dayton with extremely strong winds, gusting 80-90 miles per hour with the added bonus of big fat wet snow drops; which froze as soon as landing on the windshield! Took my time, driving as slow as I needed to feel comfortable, taking the least busy route so as not to worry about other drivers who may be in a hurry.

Frank had a virgin Bloody Mary waiting for me with a beautiful roasted, pickled asparagus spear and lemon stuffed olives! We enjoyed an amazing salad to go with our main dish. They made me my very own pot of vegan spaghetti sauce using Beyond Meat crumbles. And a lovely vegan Baklava for my birthday dessert treat.

Ahhhhhh …. Good stuff!!

On my birthday, 2.26.19, we had birthday cake for lunch!! Thank you to Thomas for catching the moment of my wish making. ❤️❤️❤️

*************************************

Birthday celebrations with a plot twist! Sparkling pink lemonade birthday toast in the dark!!! Power went out just as we were sitting for dinner. Stayed out for three hours. That wind packed a powerful message.

Thank you to my sweet friend and neighbor, Kendra Johnson for buying a package of C batteries for our flashlight! I just happened to text her asking if she had any while she was at the store!!

And, thank you to another sweet neighbor for whom I’m cat sitting. I borrowed a couple of votive candles from her place. Cats were kinda freaked out from the wind and their music had shut off!

Lillian used coding on scratch to make me a digital card. Isn’t it beautiful??? I was going to have a birthday movie night. Hmmmm … Will see if I make it to it now.

This 49th year blew in with 60 and 70 mile gusts, eventually taking the power out just as we sat to eat dinner and have our sparkling pink lemonade toast last night. It was three hours later when power was restored. There’s an interesting message in there somewhere. Ha!!!

Blessings,
Camilla
See It. Share It. BE IT … Spread Love Everywhere You Go!

Amazing news! My 17 year old daughter, Lillian Darnell’s debut book, “Where Would You Fly and Other Magical Stories” was published January 2018. Learn more and order here.

Wonderfully exciting news! My 13 year old son, Thomas Darnell‘s book, Biggest Little Photographer is published. Be inspired! Learn more and order here.

Go here to see latest soul writings. xoxo

A Philosophy of Walking

And she walked.
And she walked.
She walked until
Arriving at
The home of
Peace and Joy.
Discovering once there,
She had been
Here all along.

I went for an hour long walk this morning. My body and mind did not want to go. I went anyway.

Just as a cool glass of water slakes my thirst on a scorching hot day, going for walks quenches the thirst of my soul and heart to know my true self, to heal, to release, to allow joy, and to be at peace. Walking guides me in the loving way to process life, to fulfill life, and to let life be.

For the past 18 years I have been going for walks. The meaning and depth of the walks have shifted throughout the years. What started as an activity simply to satisfy my desire to be active, bloomed into a walking practice. A practice to process healing, to release, to discover my authentic self, and to connect with nature.

Going for a walk at least three times a week has literally kept me going when I felt I could not carry on, and propelled me into bliss in times of joy. Each time I walk I have a different experience. At times, the walk overflows with peace and bliss and at other times, I’m ready to be done the second I begin. Those times are when I can’t seem to get out of my head. Worried about this, that, or the other; or lost in the past or distant future. Turning the worry over and over like one would a compost pile. Hoping a resolution will bloom from the compost pile of worry.

Most days the walking, along with nature as a helper, snaps me awake from tending the worry compost pile. My entire being melds with nature during these walks and reminds me what I already know. That the worrying only buries solutions deeper in the compost pile.

Going for walks and being amongst the trees, sun, clouds, grass, rocks, flowers, bushes, birds, wind, and weather nourish my heart and soul. Just as fruits and vegetables provide this body the nourishment it needs to continue; walking does this, and much more, for my heart and soul.

Going for walks is like being at an outdoor art gallery where nature changes the artwork every day, in fact every minute at times. Walking teaches the art of letting go of that which you find beautiful and meaningful. Walking teaches to quiet the mind, seize the moment, breathe and let soak in every morsel of beauty nature shares.

For the beauty nature displays while on a walk, is ever changing dependent upon the time of day, the season, whether clouds obstruct the sun, and whether it is near sunrise, midday, or sunset. Walking teaches the art of experiencing the continual changes of life as nature experiences the changing seasons.

Going for a walk opens the writer’s spigot and helps to flow the words of my heart and soul. I know it may seem I’m assigning much responsibility for these walks. In truth, my walking practice works in concert with a meditation and mindfulness practice, along with a writing practice. All of these practices to be held grounded by the practice of allowing myself to physically feel the emotions of life. This quintet of practices guides me in walking into the unlovely aspects of life and welcoming uncomfortable emotions.

I’ve been walking with my kids since they were infants. I cherish every single walk taken with them. They are 17 years old and 13 years old now. Once they were old enough for one to stay at home, I began going with each one of them for a walk once or twice per week and a walk as a family once or twice per week. I continued to have walks alone, one to three times per week. Now that they’ve gotten older, the walks with each of them has slowed a bit. Yet, it is my hope that I opened their eyes to the beauty and philosophy of walking.

When my daughter was seven years old and my son three years old; I discontinued paying for cable and eventually donated our television. Walking is one activity that took the place of time spent in front of the television. I was moved to incorporate picture making into the walks as well. I have thousands of photographs of our walks throughout the years.

Whenever my son or daughter had a tough day, I would be sure to have a walk with him or her after dinner. The three of us had many deep and meaningful conversations during these walks. Mixed with periods of silence to simply enjoy the beauty. Not to be left out, mixed with much fun and silliness also. Rolling down hills, playing with our shadows, catching leaves as they blow from the tree, hitting pine cones with sticks, running through sprinklers, playing in the mud, feeding the ducks, helping worms cross the sidewalk, and making nature photographs.

I was not only moved to photograph our family during these walks; I was moved to photograph nature herself. There are only a few occasions I’ve gone for a walk and not taken at least one photograph. These photographs helped to inspire poetry to flow forth from my heart. I had never read or written poetry up until about four years ago. This seemed to be an extension of the walking and other practices.

I fought myself on going for the walk this morning. It was 32 degrees outside and I was already cold. I wanted to get warm and cozy, sit and write this story. My heart knew the moment I stepped foot on the trail, I’d be grateful I listened to the call of the walk. May you be inspired to explore how walking could create a shift in your life; whether that be ever so small or ever so big.

©2019 Camilla Downs
(Photo made by me – 2016 – Geiger Way Lookout)

Blessings,
Camilla
See It. Share It. BE IT … Spread Love Everywhere You Go!

Amazing news! My 17 year old daughter, Lillian Darnell’s debut book, “Where Would You Fly and Other Magical Stories” was published January 2018. Learn more and order here.

Wonderfully exciting news! My 13 year old son, Thomas Darnell‘s book, Biggest Little Photographer is published. Be inspired! Learn more and order here.

Go here to see latest soul writings. xoxo

Listening to the Calm and Wise Voice Within

**THROWBACK POST**

July 7 2014

I feel it’s good for us to remember that we don’t always have to stay positive, happy and smiling. We must allow ourselves to feel the yin and the yang. Without the one, we wouldn’t know the other.

We each have our own unique journey to travel. We cannot compare ourself to others. They are on their own journey, for different reasons. The secret I have learned and am still learning is to listen to the calm inner voice. It’s that voice that has all the answers but gets drowned out by the noise of our thoughts, what ifs, worries, fears, judgments and wanting to control situations and other people.

It’s that voice that after you hear its call, you think, “why do that or where is that coming from?” In my case, the ego will pop up and rip me a new one about how I don’t deserve any of what my intuitive self knows I can, should and will have.

One weekend in 2013, I prayed to hear the answer I knew was within me. The calm inner voice said, “You will ask for help. And this is how you will do it.” Then, my ego stepped in and said, “Are you crazy?” and a bunch of other not nice stuff!

The calm inner voice so patiently said, “You will do this, not just for yourself. But so that others can be free from what’s holding them back, so that others will see that it’s okay to ask for help and so that they can witness the goodness, grace and generosity of others.” There was no arguing with that.

A wave of calm settled over me. After that, I felt empowered and free … No matter what the outside situation. I surrendered to the journey I traveled. It’s my journey to live. I am to live it for a reason. I now know it’s for my own growth, empowerment and freedom and to give back to others by sharing my journey.

This experience brought forth the thought that our kids learn from us by the grace we exhibit. Yet, we must remember that they are on their own journey, just as we are. All we can do is share wisdom with them, praise them, guide them, LOVE them unconditionally, tell them they can have, be, or do anything they desire and show them by example of how we live. What they do with all of this is ultimately their choice.

***************************

Update – February 2019

Still learning to quiet the stories and constant bouncing of thoughts. Yet, I’ve come a heck of a long way since this was written …. Here’s to the unfolding …. xoxo

Blessings,
Camilla
See It. Share It. BE IT … Spread Love Everywhere You Go!

Amazing news! My 17 year old daughter, Lillian Darnell’s debut book, “Where Would You Fly and Other Magical Stories” is arriving January 2018. Learn more and order here.

Wonderfully exciting news! My 13 year old son, Thomas Darnell‘s book, Biggest Little Photographer is published. Be inspired! Learn more and order here.

Go here to see latest soul writings. xoxo

 

Liquid Gratitude Spilled from My Eyes

I made fresh pico de gallo on the 5th of January 2019 to go with our tradition of every other Saturday nacho dinner.

Thomas had finished eating, Lillian was in the bathtub. I was alone chewing my nachos. A wave of emotions hit me like I imagine a tsunami wave hits land.

My eyes began to sweat with liquid gratitude for the miracle occurring in my mouth. I was chewing the nachos on BOTH sides of my mouth. I have not been able to do that in about two years. I’ve had to chew crunchy foods on the right side only.

I’m aware this sounds silly to some. Yet, there are others with which this will resonate. This is for anyone who has been stricken with gratitude, bliss, and joy over seemingly small things.

I alternated between laughter and eyes sweating the entire meal. I realized I had been given back something more than being able to chew certain foods using ALL of my teeth.

This had nothing to do with sadness. This was pure joy, gratitude, bliss, peace, reassurance, and LOVE. And that pico de gallo was damn good! ❤️❤️

To read more about the back story of getting one of my teeth fixed, go here and here.

Blessings,
Camilla
See It. Share It. BE IT … Spread Love Everywhere You Go!

Amazing news! My 17 year old daughter, Lillian Darnell’s debut book, “Where Would You Fly and Other Magical Stories” is arriving January 2018. Learn more and order here.

Wonderfully exciting news! My 13 year old son, Thomas Darnell‘s book, Biggest Little Photographer is published. Be inspired! Learn more and order here.

Go here to see latest soul writings. xoxo

 

The Depths of My Love

**THROWBACK POST**


(photo from our November 2017 Date Day at Washoe Lake)

August 7 2018:

This child knows not the depths of my love. And, that is okay. For I do not have and hold that love for it to be known or reciprocated.

Although there are times when our eyes meet and I Know that Thomas Knows and we Know that the other Knows.

At times, I may fall short of it being clear by way of my words and actions. Yet, it is there, within, where my soul holds it for an eternity, in all times and all dimensions.

It’s been a journey this past 20 years or so of remembering the True meaning of the word Love. I am blessed I get to do it with Thomas and Lillian by my side.

At times, I don’t feel strong enough or capable enough to continue. Yet, in the next moment I know that is simply a trick of the mind. It is only the stories I attach to what I’m experiencing that cause me to feel this way.

This afternoon was for Thomas. May the Love and support I hold for Thomas, and my desire to always make choices that are in Thomas’ highest and best interest, travel far and wide for any and all who feel in need of Love and support.

I’m feeling mushy and woo woo and the Love floweth over … xoxo

Blessings,
Camilla
See It. Share It. BE IT … Spread Love Everywhere You Go!

Amazing news! My 17 year old daughter, Lillian Darnell’s debut book, “Where Would You Fly and Other Magical Stories” is published. Learn more and order here

Wonderfully exciting news! My 13 year old son, Thomas Darnell‘s book, Biggest Little Photographer is published. Be inspired! Learn more and order here.

Latest Articles:
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The Beauty of All Individual Personalities and Souls

**THROWBACK POST**

February 19 2014:

(Thomas on a walk in 2014)

When I picked up Thomas from school recently, he told me he has been asking all of his classmates whether or not they like LEGOS. Only one or two say they do and the others tell him they don’t and they like playing the Wii. He said it makes him feel bad that no one else likes them.

I explained to him that I’ve had a similar experience with feeling bad when others don’t like or feel the same way about something I like. BUT, I have learned that I am choosing to feel this way … And I can choose not to feel this way also.

He said, “That’s so hard, though”. I told him I completely understand and it takes lots and lots of practice to choose not to let it bother you. I said this may help …

People are all different. We like different things. Some like the same things. Some don’t like the same things. Instead of labeling it as good when someone likes the same “stuff” as you, just look at it as “It just is” and when someone doesn’t like what you do, look at that as “It just is”.

(Thomas put this together for my birthday in 2014)

What would the world be like if we all liked the SAME thing? Nothing would ever get done! If EVERYONE liked LEGOS and only building with LEGOS we’d having nothing but little plastic LEGO food, LEGO furniture and LEGO houses, LEGO cars. We’d be these big giant people trying to live in a little LEGO world! We all three got a laugh out of that one!

Thomas doesn’t even know what a Wii is … After he told me the above, he asked, “What’s a Wii?” … I don’t think these kids were being unkind. They were being truthful. I also want Thomas to know it’s okay to be truthful with others and not say things just to “fit” in or because it’s what others want to hear. I did not tell him one way or the other that either of these preferences was better than the other. That can be a conversation for another day.

He already knows how I feel about TV and video games. We don’t own either of them … Thomas is so into his LEGOs! He watches YouTube videos of LEGO tutorials and really wants to build his own creations. That’s BIG!!

The new LEGO sets come with detailed, numbered instructions and bags … one hardly has to think to put them together. YET, after you’ve put the designated item together, then you get to take it apart and think about making your own creation with ALL THOSE BRICKS!! We have a big bucket of over 600 random LEGO pieces on it’s way to us right now and he can hardly stand it!! (Something he got with Christmas money!)

(One of the photographs in Thomas’ book, Biggest Little Photographer, published 2016)

*************************

My 2018 thoughts …..

Four years later I still pretty much feel in tune with this conversation. I would add that when we feel sad or angry in these situations, it is a sign, an internal raised hand, for us to walk into that uncomfortable feeling so that it can be released.

The more we take the opportunity to do this, the more we release, the more our heart opens, and eventually our internal response to these situations will be completely different.

These situations will still continue to happen. Yet, our response will be from a place of love with the ability to see the uniqueness and beauty of all individual personalities and souls.

Regarding the bit from 2014 where I mention I want Thomas to know he can be truthful with others …. Well, I think that was successful; for the most part. At times, his truthfulness presents me with the opportunity to walk into and release uncomfortable feelings. Although it may not feel like it at the time, that is a true blessing.

(Thomas on one of our 2014 walks)

Blessings,
Camilla
See It. Share It. BE IT … Spread Love Everywhere You Go!

Amazing news! My 17 year old daughter, Lillian Darnell’s debut book, “Where Would You Fly and Other Magical Stories” is published. Learn more and order here

Wonderfully exciting news! My 12 year old son, Thomas Darnell‘s book, Biggest Little Photographer is published. Be inspired! Learn more and order here.

Latest Articles:
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May You See the Beauty of the Internal Scars

August 25 2018:

“The thing we surrender to becomes our power.” -Ernest Holmes

This is a LONG post … May the force be with you … And may you enjoy and be inspired by it should you choose to read on …

This poem and subsequent writing was sparked by a phrase within one of Lalita Simon-Creasey’s August 2018, “The Authentic Self Energy Update” via her Soulful Insights page.

A phrase of Lalita’s flew on wings of love and landed in my heart. This was the phrase … “Pull the weeds to plant the seeds.” Thank you Lalita!

May You See the Beauty

Pulling the weeds of internal scars
and planting seeds of Truth, I am.

An instrument of the Divine Universe, I am.
A Universe that knows not of suffering and lack.

Yet, I must come to know for myself
that these are but illusions.

These are the weeds of the internal scars
Carried for this life and past lifetimes.

What to do with these weeds?

Either pull them so as to
plant what is perceived as beautiful

or

Shift the way the weeds are viewed
and see the beauty within the weeds.

Either way will have the desired effect
of seeing through the illusions.

For what matters is the intent behind the action.

In the midst of the illusion,
it feels as if the weeds
will suffocate and extract
the life essence from this body.

It is difficult, this is known.
It does not have to be difficult,
yet, this is the Way few Know.

Yet, one glorious morning;
And sometimes over and over again,
She awakens to discover that he has
indeed been pulling the weeds and
shifting her view.

And the illusion has lifted.

Pulling the weeds of internal scars
and planting seeds of Truth, I am.
©2018, Camilla Downs

*************

Internal Scars

I share this history of myself now as I wish to free my heart and further heal. For I believe when one person moves towards opening of the heart and healing; it heals and opens the heart of others.

I have been raped, choked, bitten on the nose, beat on the hand with a big, clunky cell phone, had things thrown at me, overpowered, and not had my wishes respected in regards to this body.

I have been manipulated, caused to feel I do not matter, emotionally abused, told over and over that I’m stupid and crazy, abandoned, locked in a confined space, made to feel unwelcome and unwanted in my own home, and rejected.

I’ve also dished out my own fair share of manipulation, controlling behavior, and unkind and unloving comments. I have hurt people with my words. I have been untruthful at times.

During my late teens and early twenties I abused this body with psychedelic drugs and booze (about 30 years ago – the late 80’s).

I lived childhood, teenage years, and young adulthood with anger, jealousy, envy, extremely judgmental of others and myself, and deeply disliking myself and my life; never feeling that I was worthy of or deserving of a love filled and kind life.

From my childhood days through to middle age I have lost everything many times over.

I learned at an early age to bury deep the unlovely and unkind experiences of my life. Throughout the past 6-10 years I have been letting them surface, connecting with feelings that I had not let myself feel at the time, telling the child within that she is loved and telling her all of the things she needed to hear as a child, and doing my best to release them to be transmuted … and when possible, to include forgiveness of those involved.

On the surface I harbor no anger towards others for we were all doing the best we could with where we were in our journey thus far. However, there does appear to be bits and pieces of anger and resentment still buried. I am working those to the surface in their due time.

In addition, my body begs me to release this lingering anger and resentment. It continues to speak from the gall bladder/liver area with aches of urging me to connect with and release this sludge.

Although there were some who knew of some of this; no one knew the entirety of it, for I kept it buried deep and hidden for fear of further rejection and abandonment. And somehow I taught myself if I didn’t think about something that happened, I would forget about it and it could not hurt me.

This is the first time I have uttered some of these words “out loud” to anyone.

Yet, there was also this ….

The Seeds of Internal Knowing and Beauty

I have watched the sun rise and the sun set.

I have watched and listened to the meditative ocean waves.

I have walked in the pure soft sand.

I have birthed two precious humans.

I have listened to the soul lifting giggles of these same two precious humans when they were wee infants.

I have grown to know my connection with trees and water.

I have touched, hugged and kissed the trees.

I have let water caress my skin and gently engulf this body.

I have walked barefoot in the smooth and gentle grass.

I have felt the deep warmth of the sun on my face as it sinks into this body.

I have smelled the intoxicating aroma of honeysuckle, lilies, lilac and roses.

I have watched and listened as the wind causes the leaves of the oak tree to dance and create music.

I have listened to the bird song and calls of the robin, the chickadee, the black neck stilt, the duck, the goose, crows, killdeer, and the black-billed magpie.

I have listened to the pop and crackle of a camp fire.

I have smelled the refreshing scent of a pine tree.

I have listened to the croak of a bull frog.

I have watched a mama duck as she patiently guides the young ducklings up and over boulders and tight spaces to the safety of the water.

I have caressed the soft fur of kittens, puppies, guinea pigs, horses, donkeys, llamas, and alpacas.

I have experienced the grace, bliss, and deep silence of new fallen snow.

I have experienced beautiful friendships.

I have felt the gentle and kind touch of others.

I have tasted the invisible wind and plump rain drops.

I have walked bare foot in pure, sparkly, and inviting snow.

These are the Seeds that have and continue to guide me in healing. Alongside other humans who travel the same, yet different, path to Knowing.

I have felt called to share this for more than a year; yet fear of rejection still loomed like a dark storm cloud, threatening to shower me with the perceived consequences of having shared my Truth.

I share now from a place of Love in the Knowing that this will land in front of the person or people who need it. And for those it causes to turn away; that is their own Journey to travel and I have been merely a guidepost should they have been ready.

I had friends along the way who saw the True me. Friends that have stood by me. Some, many, know not of these internal weeds. Yet, they have stuck around as I have slowly revealed the weeds and pulled them to be released to the soil from which they came or transmuted to the Light that is their Truth.

The time has come to pull the remaining weeds and allow them to be exposed to the Light of others. I know I will continue to find and discover weeds as this isn’t a one time deal.

Pulling the weeds of internal scars
and planting seeds of Truth, I am.

****************

The Story Behind the Sharing

About an hour or two after I read Lalita’s daily update I began to write in my journal about something completely unrelated, or so I thought. I was having a free write about how I feel physically and was going to move on to how I feel emotionally and psychologically. I didn’t get past the physical when the previous poured forth.

I share with Lalita’s support and permission as it was sparked from a phrase that came from within her. I love Lalita’s updates as they seem to be so in tune with the journey I travel. I encourage you to have a look and see if they speak to you.

The exchange Lalita and I had after I asked permission to share what had poured forth was nearly indescribable. Two people whose initial responses were kind; although a little less than authentic. Yet, this quickly made way for authentic exchanges.

We were both nearly in tears from having noticed we weren’t speaking our Truth, coming back with Authenticity, connecting with what called for attention and parting having just helped one another pull weeds and plant seeds!! I actually got the benefit of pulling two weeds!

An old childhood wound was one of the weeds. The wound that causes me to feel that I have done something wrong and that I am bad. I was able to soothe that young Camilla and let her know that she had done nothing wrong. That, in fact, she had acted from the heart. And, I was able to do it with Lalita as my witness! I have NEVER done that before. It felt incredible!

The other was the realization of something I had been doing from a place of fear. I was able to see the action would be the same; yet, have a different feeling and outcome when done from a place of love. Amazing, graceful and miraculous even.

If you’re still here after reading this long a** post …. Oceans of love, healthy healing, and warm hugs to you!! xoxo

Blessings,
Camilla
See It. Share It. BE IT … Spread Love Everywhere You Go!

Amazing news! My 17 year old daughter, Lillian Darnell’s debut book, “Where Would You Fly and Other Magical Stories” is published. Learn more and order here

Wonderfully exciting news! My 12 year old son, Thomas Darnell‘s book, Biggest Little Photographer is published. Be inspired! Learn more and order here.

Latest Articles:
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A Piece of Myself Back – A Heart Opening Memory

**THROWBACK TO DECEMBER 14 2013 with Memories of 1989**

(I’m doing housecleaning of my blog and came across this post that got buried before I had the chance to go back to it and add more. Seemed right to share it now.)

My eyes popped open at 1:10 am. My thoughts were flooded with memories of 1989 and my first Christmas in Washington state with my Mom and Frank after moving there from Mississippi.

I vividly remembered my excitement over spending my 1st Christmas with my step-sister, Heather. Like a child in a candy shoppe choosing that perfect piece of candy, I pondered and searched for the perfect gift for her. I finally decided on a beautiful ring with an aquamarine gemstone. I put it on layaway and remember my excitement in talking with the sales clerk about who this gift was for and sharing my enthusiasm.

The day finally came when I was able to pay in full for it. I had a magical excitement as I wrapped it and wrote the perfect message to go along with it. I think my eyes were shining more than hers on Christmas day while I anxiously waited for her to open it. I don’t remember the full details of the message. It was something about how happy I was to have her in my life and that I’d always wanted a sister.

Immediately after recalling this beautiful memory early this morning, I felt as though something was gently placed back into my heart that had been missing. I will try to describe it ….

The wonder of life as a child sees it. The purity of life. The love. I thought to myself these words, “Thank you. Thank you. I had lost that somewhere along the way, hadn’t I?” Tears pooled in my eyes. I was wide awake. I then knew I must get out of my nice warm bed and write about this experience.

Something wonderful had just happened. I just got a piece of myself back. Thank you …

****************************************

My 2018 self looks back on this as a beautiful experience of my heart opening a bit when recalling this gracious memory. Although the gifts I presently give tend to be homemade and usually incorporate a poem or writing dedicated to the recipient, this was not my go to gift in 1989.

Much has shifted for me from that time. I place more value with a homemade gift than a store bought gift. I still buy store bought gifts for Thomas and Lillian. Yet, I also try to always make sure to hand make a wall hanger or card with a special message. I pour all my love and self into these home made gifts and receive incredible joy in creating them.

May you allow yourself to receive beautiful memories when they come calling and know that they have been recalled for a heart opening experience or or other love filled reason. I have also written about un-lovely memories (here and here). They each bear gifts to further our journey in this life.

(The photo of Lake Tahoe above is my idea of an incredible gem these days. I am deeply grateful to live within 30 minutes of her glory and beauty!)

Blessings,
Camilla
See It. Share It. BE IT … Spread Love Everywhere You Go!

Amazing news! My 17 year old daughter, Lillian Darnell’s debut book, “Where Would You Fly and Other Magical Stories” is published. Learn more and order here

Wonderfully exciting news! My 12 year old son, Thomas Darnell‘s book, Biggest Little Photographer is published. Be inspired! Learn more and order here.

Latest Articles:
[catlist name=blog]