On Wednesday, I watched my daughter, Lillian, as she got off the school bus, struggling with her backpack and walking to her destination in the back of the school. My heart sank as I stood watching all the other kids bouncing around running and walking normally with their backpacks with not a struggle in sight. Tears welled in my eyes; it was just one of those days. She absolutely refuses to wear a backpack on her back and thus ends up carrying it by the little loop on the top. It’s almost as big as she is.
As I drove home, it seemed as if time stopped for about 15 seconds and I felt so completely and utterly alone. I chose to feel sorry for myself for a minute and welcome a wave of defeat ~ sorry that I was not blessed with a “typical” little girl. A little girl that a mother can share life’s little moments with, talk with, have an actual verbal conversation with, hug and snuggle with, watch grow and blossom like most other girls.
I and moms like me have a different life with our daughters. We watch them struggle with something as simple as carrying a backpack to class, struggle to speak and talk in a way that can be understood with mounting frustration because their little mind is overflowing with all the right words and phrases; but, the mouth, tongue and lips do not work as they should so we can understand. We watch them struggle to dress themselves, struggle to open things, cut things, play on the playground. We must listen to their complaints of tummy aches, this and that aches and not know why and add that to our list to try and figure out. We don’t have the typical “How’d your day go and what’dya do with your friends today honey” conversations? Ours are “How was your day today?” And we get a thumbs up or thumbs down. Conversation over.
Only a minute though . . . .
I have a beautiful daughter who shines like no other. She has a warm loving heart. AND she is one stubborn hard headed little lady. I am blessed beyond blessing that she is stubborn and hard headed. This means she keeps on trying and keeps on trying and doesn’t give up as quickly on whatever she is trying to accomplish. I have had moments with her that made my heart feel as if it would burst with happiness and joy. When a speech impaired child tells you for the first time “I Love You” and says “Momma” for the first time, it is a feeling like no other.
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This beautiful little lady, who is a self proclaimed fairy, will and does touch the lives of whomever she encounters in such a beautiful way that cannot even be described. I am her mother for a reason and she my daughter for a reason. Lillian has a beautiful soul and had some lessons to teach me and will continue to teach me. She does at times help me to stay grounded. I find myself wanting and feeling I should be doing more for Lillian; but know that whatever I need to do will happen as it should and I should not force anything.
It is my belief that I need these 15 minutes of feeling sorry for myself and moments of defeat to enable me to come out on the other side stronger and more focused on the path I am on and headed towards. What about you? Do you feel moments such as these (for whatever reason) are needed and helpful?
Go here to read “A Moment of Defeat – Take Two” …
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And my book published in 2012, D iz for Different – One Woman’s Journey to Acceptance; which reached #2 in the Self-Help Category and #1 in Special Needs Parenting on Amazon.