A Moment of Defeat
by Camilla on May 22, 2010
in Camilla's Personal Thoughts & Opinions, Special Needs, Speech Impaired
On Wednesday, I watched my daughter, Lillian, as she got off the school bus, struggling with her backpack and walking to her destination in the back of the school. My heart sank as I stood watching all the other kids bouncing around running and walking normally with their backpacks with not a struggle in sight. Tears welled in my eyes; it was just one of those days. She absolutely refuses to wear a backpack on her back and thus ends up carrying it by the little loop on the top. It’s almost as big as she is.
As I drove home, it seemed as if time stopped for about 15 seconds and I felt so completely and utterly alone. I chose to feel sorry for myself for a minute and welcome a wave of defeat ~ sorry that I was not blessed with a “typical” little girl. A little girl that a mother can share life’s little moments with, talk with, have an actual verbal conversation with, hug and snuggle with, watch grow and blossom like most other girls.
I and moms like me have a different life with our daughters. We watch them struggle with something as simple as carrying a backpack to class, struggle to speak and talk in a way that can be understood with mounting frustration because their little mind is overflowing with all the right words and phrases; but, the mouth, tongue and lips do not work as they should so we can understand. We watch them struggle to dress themselves, struggle to open things, cut things, play on the playground. We must listen to their complaints of tummy aches, this and that aches and not know why and add that to our list to try and figure out. We don’t have the typical “How’d your day go and what’dya do with your friends today honey” conversations? Ours are “How was your day today?” And we get a thumbs up or thumbs down. Conversation over.
Only a minute though . . . .
I have a beautiful daughter who shines like no other. She has a warm loving heart. AND she is one stubborn hard headed little lady. I am blessed beyond blessing that she is stubborn and hard headed. This means she keeps on trying and keeps on trying and doesn’t give up as quickly on whatever she is trying to accomplish. I have had moments with her that made my heart feel as if it would burst with happiness and joy. When a speech impaired child tells you for the first time “I Love You” and says “Momma” for the first time, it is a feeling like no other.
This beautiful little lady, who is a self proclaimed fairy, will and does touch the lives of whomever she encounters in such a beautiful way that cannot even be described. I am her mother for a reason and she my daughter for a reason. Lillian has a beautiful soul and had some lessons to teach me and will continue to teach me. She does at times help me to stay grounded. I find myself wanting and feeling I should be doing more for Lillian; but know that whatever I need to do will happen as it should and I should not force anything.
It is my belief that I need these 15 minutes of feeling sorry for myself and moments of defeat to enable me to come out on the other side stronger and more focused on the path I am on and headed towards. What about you? Do you feel moments such as these (for whatever reason) are needed and helpful?
lovely Camilla. You’re right about it all. We have to feel the painful stuff every now and then to keep it in check. And in acknowledging that pain we again get to see all the wonderful things that having these lives and our children give us. It’s hard work but it makes us who we are, and for you that’s someone who shines as bright as the darling little girl you’re describing here. Huge hugs from me to you today x
Thanks Sara! I’m blessed and grateful to be connected with other Moms as beautiful, warm and loving as you to share in this journey. And I am determined to enjoy the journey I am on ~ No Matter What!! Great day to you across the ocean!!
Camilla,
You never know who’s reading your blogs! I was prompted by Kristy’s comment and read your beautiful entry. As our friend Cheri Hill says, “you just don’t know the whole story (about anyone)” and I have such empathy for you in your role. Our kids are our life, and that certainly holds true with me as it obviously does you. I fall asleep every night praying for the safety of my son, who is now 21. Two years ago he was diagnosed with Juvenile Diabetes, and like any disability, no one knows the truth until it lives in your own home. If we could take our kids’ disabilities from them and onto ourselves, we would. But the amount of silver linings grows each day as we see these kids and young people tackle something in which we are only familiar outwardly. It is so painful as a mother, yet the extent of joy our kids bring to us, I believe, reaches heights unimaginable! God blessed you with a noticeably high level to love and be loved, and that is priceless. I commend you for sharing such a personal, and touching story about your beautiful daughter. My nickname for my son, Luke, is “PC” for Precious Child.” Take care, it was nice to see you at Cheri’s party last weekend.
Hey Kathy! Well, I’m glad Kristy’s comment got you over here and I’m blessed to be on the receiving end of anything Cheri says! You have contributed so much with your comment and I thank you so dang much for taking the time to write such a thoughtful and loving response. Love your nickname for your son! If I call Lillian honey, dear, sweetheart, pumpkin etc, she asys “My name is Lillian and I’m a fairy princess!” Well, that just says it all! Thanks again Kathy ~ ya just never know who will be reading these things . . . .
Camilla,
What a beautiful blog. I love how you share your feelings! We cannot answer the why about many things in life but we can experience the journey – good, bad, hard, joyful. My sister has a child that is Autistic and I am amazed everyday with her Mothering spirit. I know, though, that she has thoughts she does not want to share…maybe afraid to share. My hope and prayer is women with your experience will come together and be a support, a safe place, and a place to share your victories. Victories are not as sweet without the struggles before them. Thank you for your courage and your calling to do this. Please keep it up.
It is up to the rest of us to share it with those who need to hear it.
Thank you so much DeDe! Your support means a GREAT deal to me. I absolutely will keep it up! Wild horses couldn’t stop me now! Attending the Chromosome 18 Conference and the eWomenNetwork Conference last week solidified for me what’s in my heart and where I’m headed. I’m one tenacious gal and am now more focused than ever before. Thanks again for our wonderful conversation and connection at the eWomenNetwork conference. I have a special blog post upcoming just for you and your family! Stay tuned and here comes the Turning Views Foundation and the Different iz Good movement!